john, how's it going?

Well I went to OM W apartment and we talked. She knew long before I did. She said she was going to call me and tell me, but she didn't want to make her H mad. She makes 80% of their income and he thretened her with a big court battle so she didn't want to make him mad. She says that she hope's that they are happy together. She says she needs a reason to believe that their DV happened. I told her that I was going to fight for my W and that I'm glad she's happy now that she is getting a DV, I told her that I want my W back because I want her H to be left with nothing. So he can have his own pity party. I asked why they decided to get DV she said they just weren't happy he'd spend most of his time on the computer (which was one of my W problems with me). She also said that he is a control freak and really jealous he'd ask her all the time if she was having an A. She said she had to lose all of her friends because of him even her girlfriends. Well that should work well with my W she has no friends but if he start's LB by accusing her of cheating on him (isn't that funny) it will drive her away. Right now I'm not sure if I want to catch her when she falls apart. W called me, but she called our house at 10 in the morning so she wouldn't have to talk to me. She said "I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye but I was mad, I am mad. This is what I want and no matter what I say you're going to disagree with me. You told me you would respect my decision no matter what it was (this was before I found out about the A) so I wish you would do this. This is what I want. So I guess we wait." Now this last statement I don't get it was one of the most confusing message's I've ever received. I don't know I'm kinda depressed right now and I'm not even sure if its worth it. I feel so stupid for believing in anything right now. Oh one other thing I found out I gave my W permission to go to Vegas in Jan. and guess who she went there with and they had a special room together. Oh their DV is final on Monday. I'm not sure why my W would call it's like she's waffleing because I told her I was going to date again. I don't know I could over think this too much.

i think all of us BS think "too much" of course some more than others. but we weren't given a choice to not think about things. just when i think i'm thinking clearly somthing happens (that old rollercoaster analogy).

i'm sorry the talk w/the OM's W didn't go the way that you had wanted or expected (i definitely know how that feels because of my talk w/OW's mom). but at least (i know little consolation) you did it and you won't ever wonder "if i had just talked to the OM's W maybe that would have made a difference."

i wonder a lot aobut why i'm fighting for my M, probably too much thinking (again). i guess because i feel that because i didn't know just how unhappy my H was that for that reason (and of course the A) i deserve another chance, regardless of all the time he says he gave me to "wake up." maybe it's because i know how much i contributed to this situation and want to prove that if i had known what i know now (about the MB concepts) that this wouldn't have happened and doesn't have to happen again. but maybe most of all i want to believe that if my H gave us a second chance, even if its was just a month and he didn't even put his heart into that it would somehow make a difference and he would want to fall in love w/me again.

i guess what I'm kind of hoping at this point is that my H will agree to counseling w/SH and that will make a difference somehow. Also, that something will happen between my H and the OW that will make them both see that what they have isn't going to last and isn't real. for example, if the OW starts to really pressure my H to get a D, she gets frustrated w/his indecisiveness or continued contact w/m,and somehow start to make with drawals from my H's lovebank. even though i don't want to even think about it in the least that maybe if they move into together or he gets out on his own, things will clearer to them both.

now how do i make myself wait for those things happen? don't know, gonna call my H, wish me luck.

ChristyV and RR thank you for the great replys everytime I feel down or I did something bad you guys help me tremedously. Christyv I see your posts on Plan B I hope I don't have to go to that point eventhough I feel like I'm already there. I'm going to schedule an appt. with the counselors here soon I need it. I wish you luck.

I need some encouragement today, I came home from work early because I couldn't concentrate on anything. I am so bummed out. My big conflict is do I want to be here to catch my W when she falls or not? I want to believe so bad that things are going to work out but like I said I don't know if I have the patience to wait for a year to do this. I want to tell my wife that she's not the person I married that person is dead to me, because I don't know who she is now but I can't say this cause I don't want to do anything wrong. I want to be here to support her but I don't know if I'm going to feel that way here soon. I know I still love her and I still have some deposits left. I try to disreguard the hurtful statments she makes as fog but they just hurt so bad. I want to be here and just talk to her like a normal person and I get all twisted up inside and sometimes I speak before I think. I'm calling for an appointment today to see when I can get one so wish me luck.

One of the things I miss most about my wife is when I go to bed she used to ask me for my shoulder to lay on, and even though my arm would fall a sleep I would never move it because I could stroke her hair and then I'd fall a sleep. Just figured I'd share that it was the best and I want that back. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

i pretty much miss just being in the same room w/my H. i think about all the times i could have reached out to him and didn't and all the times he reached out to me and i just ignored or downplayed the "reach."

how's the no-smoking going? it was pretty easy to get scheduled w/SH if that's who you are going to try and schedule with. keep us posted.

<small>[ March 31, 2004, 03:15 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

I cracked under the stress so I will try again tomorrow and try to make it a week without one. I guess that's why they call it an addiction.

Just talked to my W just a little while ago. I asked her to decipher her message that she left me. She couldn't remember what she said. So I explaind it to her, but I told her I didn't want to talk about relationship stuff anymore cause it's like we're beating a dead horse. I told her that if she wanted to talk about it and let me know where I went wrong that would be ok I can take the constructive critisisem. I told her that I just wanted to be her friend and let her know that I would be here for her if she needed to talk. I also told her that if I did call her it would be just to talk and not about us unless she wanted to talk about us. I just want to try and be friends, if she wanted to try that. I told her it was her choice, but I was going to call her once in a while.

Tin:

I read your post. It sounded sweet. I don't think the "let's work on our friendship" course is a bad idea. It takes the pressure off her, and allows her to hopefully open up, and then you will have a better shot at trying to plan A and meet her emotional needs.

As far as smoking, there is always tomorrow. Keep at it. You can do this. Do it for you. You will be healthier, more marketable (to your wife, or god forbid, someone else eventually) and you will save some serious $.

Stop worrying about 1 year, two years, how long can you do this...day by day, my friend, day by day. If you would have told me I wasn't going to give up after 6-months, I would have said "You are CRAZY. No way." Slow and steady.

As far as work, you have to keep your head in the game. You don;t want to lose you job AND your M. That would majorly SUCK.

How I have not gotten fired yet (especially the way I was acting when the S*** first hit the fan) is a mystery to me.

Hang in there, and keep me posted! :-)

CV my boss is pretty cool it's my sick time anyway so I have days so it's ok I'm not going to lose my job. I have more of a chance of losing my job if I just sit there and do nothing. I'll go back tomorrow to the old grindstone. With the friend thing isn't that what it's supposed to be like you just want to let them know that your there for them, of course I want to be more then friends but if friends is all I can get right now I'm good with that. Besides his wife said he is a jealous person and I know that don't fly with my W so there will be withdraws from her LB by him I hope.

Just a thought...

When my spouse discovered my A in Feb., He inundated me with letters and emails. Not a single one of those letters was disparaging. He didn't call me names or put me down. He told me how much he loved me, and how much our marriage meant to him, how sorry he was for his behavior in the past.

Not to say he hasn't shown anger over the affair, he has, but I could see he was going out of his way to make sure he didn't lose me.

Our situation IS different from yours. While I'd already made the decision for no more contact with the other man before Hubby discovered the infidelity, and I'd decided to try and work on our marriage, I wasn't sure if I was going to stay. I was waiting for my daughter to graduate from high school (she'll be a senior next year) before I would decide to stay or go.

Those letters and emails have made a world of difference to me. I also appreciate that he's been incredibly careful not to tell anyone about my affair. He did ask me if he could tell one of his friends because he needed someone to talk to. He said he would never betray my honor.

I can't tell you how much that meant to me. He could have been mean and nasty and told everyone. I work at a church. If they were aware of what I did, I could lose my job.

My point is this. Keep other people out of it. This is between your spouse and you. Even if her family brings up the subject, tell them that the A is not open for discussion, that it is something between you and your spouse.

Write her love letters. Remind her of what made the two of you fall in love in the first place. Remind her of your history together. Of the good times you've had. Send her flowers. Court her.

People don't just fall out of love. Even though I've been VERY angry with hubby in times past, and he's hurt me horribly and I wanted to leave, I still loved him even during the A.

His courting of me since D-Day has turned us around. The fact that he wanted to court me even after he realized what I'd done was amazing to me, and made me feel so cherished.

Also, yes definately go to counseling! Even if she won't go, you need it!

Heidi_C the only reason I told all the family was to get the affair out in the open as was instructed by senior members here. They said tell everyone short of puting up a sign. It takes the fantasy out of the affair. When I told her family I told them that I didn't treat their daughter bad and that she was having an A but I still loved their daughter very much. I wasn't hurtful. Eventually my W will get over being mad about that. If it's to our benefit, I don't know we shall see. Her mom was close to figuring it out anyways,and she appreciated the truth.

i think more would side w/you that you did the right thing about talking w/her family. again it comes down to "what if this is what is needed to turn my WS around?" sometimes that's doing things that are against our better judgement and sometimes it's not doing anything at all. i really tried to plan and be careful about what i have said to my H, sometimes I listen to what MB members say and sometimes not because everyone's situation is unique to a certain degree even if it's miniscual (sp?).

maybe one of the things i have going for me is that my H has really talked to me and wanted to talk more once we got started. i tried to leave the conversation a couple of times but he wouldn't let me and i asked him to leave a couple of times and he wouldn't. what if these conversations make a difference down the road? yes it hurt to talk about how he just can't go back and how he cares and loves the OW but if I can show that i care and love him and that he can talk to me maybe that will be the one thing that makes a difference.

don't know, there's no miracle cure. i've even tried to think of what actually hurts me the most and i think it's the fact he doesn't want to try or give me/us a chance. of course it hurts that he had the A and that he cares for this OW but i know we can get past that but can't until he does give us another chance but i can't control what he does. we do so lovingly pick up the bread crumbs that our WS gives us and we always want more. At the same time i feel that's what my H had been doing w/me, just picking up the bread crumbs i gave him and always wanted more.

don't know if this helps. i have my second session w/SH in the morning. we'll see how that goes. get yourself an appt, prayers to you.

you NEED to read my post asking for the LOSTVA recipe/plan. it will be comforting, not sure how much but it couldn't hurt.

RR I read that post it was great gives me hope. I've been nice to my W. I sent her a Aprilfools card today, but she couldn't open it. So I just sent her an email don't get fooled today.

Had a good day today was real busy at work which helped alot. I think I came close to being the person that I was before all this happened. I didn't smoke today so that was good and it was a stressfull work day but I made it. I have an appointment with Jennifer on Tue. so I start my own counseling then and we'll see how many more I need to get to the place where I need to be in my life but I'm excited to hear what she has to say about my situation. My new saying it's easier to draw fly's with honey then it is vinigar. I try to keep this in mind now when I talk to my W.

just checking in w/you. i'll be posting how my 2nd session w/SH went this morning and it does go along w/your new saying, using honey vs. vinegar. congrats on the no-smoking! i'm going to really start having to do some work at work. i'm going to come in tomorrow and get some stuff done because i've pretty much been here this week. oh well, my M is my priority right now. prayers to you.

gotta go for the weekend, hope you have a good one (as good as you can), and i'll be checking back on monday. you are only human so do the best you can w/the no-smoking thing! prayers to you.