Hi! This is my first post here so I'm not 100% sure what I'm doing yet. My H turned me onto MB and I have been lurking for a few days or so now.

About 4 months ago, I found out my H was having an A with a "friend of a friend". I was crushed to say the least. My heart was absolutely demolished. Here is someone who I vowed to love, cherish, respect, be faithful to in front of my family, friends and God. I was one of those ignorant "it won't ever happen to me" folks. I was told repeatedly that there was nothing anyone could do to make me leave my W. I guess that was wrong because we wouldn't be where we are now if that wasn't true.

I honestly don't believe my H went out looking for an A. But the fact of the matter is he chose to surround himself with so-called friends who make that kind of choice easy. I know that no one 'made' him do it...but I do think there is a certain truth to the 'made it easier for him to do'... It was a safe enviornment where he couldn not be judged for what he was doing.

I am in a hard way because I LOVE and am still IN LOVE with my H. I look at him and am overcome with emotions. This isn't everyday - but more often than not. I just think of being with him and am excited. So this to me was a total freight train. I knew that things were perfect, but I guess I never expected they would be. Real life leaks in and the mundane routine of bills, work, life overcomes. I know that's no excuse - you have to work at love and marriage. But I am realistic enough to realize that it's a definate reality that people fall into that comfort zone and start to take each other for granted.

I know I am just as guilty as he is on that one. I had let myself go and that wasn't fair to him because he has always been the same. I was in a funk and it wasn't due to him. There were a compilation of things I was dealing with and it all came to be too much to take. I was in a depression and just recently did I really admit to it. I sought help, unfortunately, too late I think. I am doing so much better now. I've been taking care of myself and started to lose the weight I've gained. I'm more energetic and happier (despite the A).

I want nothing more than to find that small path to recovery and build a better, stronger marriage than we ever could have imagined. The problem is... he's still in the FOG and is so confused and depressed, etc. The OW keeps contacting him for little reasons (much like MomTo's H)... the "I had a question..." or "I just had to tell you...". Anything to keep herself in front of him.

Worse than that, just as things are looking up and I see the H I fell in love with in the first place emerging, she calls or contacts him and we're back to square one. I've told him about No Contact and that you can't be 'nice' about it. But he says she's a good person and would want him to end it in person and he owes her that much. In my opinion, she's not a good person - a good person wouldn't seek their own happiness at the expense of others. She just wants what she wants and d*mn the cost.

I want nothing more than for him to send the NC letter to the OW and just be done. I know he wants to let her down easy, but I don't think she will take that for an answer. I am so afraid that we will get on the road to recovery and around every bend there she'll be waiting to kick us in the b*lls again. (Pardon my language).

We've been good together for many, many years. We have a lot in common and have common family values, etc. I don't want to lose my H... I want my M back - Can anyone help me here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hang in there Still In Luv someone with more Exp. will come along and give you good advice. Just one questions have you read the books His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair?

Thanks! I just picked the books up this weekend and started with Surviving an Affair this morning. So far it makes sense <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Still in Luv -

Sorry your post got somewhat overlooked. But that happens a lot. Mondays and Tuesdays are usually very busy. Also for some reason there are a lot of people in crisis right now.

So welcome to marriagebuilders. Your situation seems very promising. Is your WH reading and posting here too? That would be very helpful.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it here. Check out the home page "quick clicks" about infidelity, restoring the marriage, overcoming resentment, and reconciliation.

Your WH has to send NC letter to OW. None of the WS's want to send one. At first they seem to worry more about the OP than their partner. That is because they are still so fogged in.

Stick with us and we will help you through this. Also don't be shy about posting to yourself. I have had lots of posts that no one answered, then I just keep posting until someone answers.

SIL,

Do you know about Plan A and are you in a plan A?

Do you know your H's top 2 or 3 ENs and are you busting your tail to meet them?

Do you know what LBs you are prone to and are you taking precautions to avoid LBs?

<edited to add>
How long has your H been involved with OW?

Does your H say he wants to stop his A?

Is your H still in contact with OW?

<small>[ March 31, 2004, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: turtlehead ]</small>

I'm only going to comment on the NC letter:

It's more for the BS than the WS. This can be a touchy subject for some, but the reality of it is that all that matters is that no contact is established.

As Dr.Harley says in SAA that most WS would prefer to let the OP down 'easy', and if it were up to them, they would whisk the OP away on a romantic getaway, and have their last tada. (where's the puking icon? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

However, that is NOT practical, for anyone involved, and doesn't help any in the long run.

Still in Luv: please don't stress too much on the NC letter... it truly is only a miniscule portion of the entire healing process (although having been there, I KNOW it doesn't feel that way right now).

You'll be fine, believe it or not. If you find that you're getting overstressed with all that's going on, then please consider talking to your family doctor about going on anti-d's for a while.

In the meantime, read up on planA, and implement it. Fill out the EN and LB questionnaires, and use them as your guides for your plan A.

And of course... keep on posting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (remember: the more you post to others, the more they will likely reply to you).

Karen

sometimes i just don't know what to say because i feel i'm going through my own situation that i wouldn't be much help to anyone. i'm scared to death of what's happening in my M and that it's such a real possibility that my H and I will never get back together.

however, w/that being said, post questions and keep posting, and also post replies even if it's just "i know how you feel and i'm sorry your here but welcome." i was very discouraged in the beginning when i posted because i didn't get very many replies (still don't sometimes) but i just keep "bumping" my posts or post new questions, reply when i can. keep trying to learn and work on yourself. get into counseling if you can.

wish i could offer you more but everyone for the most part here "pulls" for everybody else. good luck and prayers to you and yours.

Ok so now you have enough responses to know that YOU GO ALOT OF READING ahead ...LOL

Don't get worried about the posts , they will come , just make sure you respond and follow up with answering some of the questions to you so that we know the situation even better.

Ok I am one of those BS that do not till this day have had my H write the N/C letter.

JMVHO ---- ITS IMPORTANT ! But and there always is You can't make someone do what they do not want to .

There are other approachs , you say OW is contacting H ,,, HOW ? CELL? WORK? HOME ? (I HOPE NOT)

IF cell lets start by changing that #. Work well if a secritary then have her say he is not avaliable . PAGER change that to .

I know all about the he wants to let her down "EASY" and theres the she will get fed up and stop on her own .

Well word of advice ,, its HE!! , I did that it took 17 months of the 26months he is home for it to FINNALLY come to an end .

Its he@@ and try not to fall for that path .

Ok the others touched on PLAN A read know it DO IT .

This is hard cause if theres contact you going to want to yell more then be nice a nice LOL

Ok thats al;l for me now and bump up your post if need be you need help someone to vent to SCREEM ! OK .

I spoke to myself for awhile around here in the beging , so much so that I thought no one would answer cause they thought I was crazy posting to my own posts . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I still do sometimes . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thank you to all who have replied to me. I have to apologize for getting frustrated, but you know how all this compounds everything else in life.

I would have to say we are in Plan A. He told the OW that it was over on Sunday (3/28). Of course she cried and carried on and such, but that was that... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He didn't do a NC letter (as I would have liked), he saw her in person. It was a setback for the contact, but since then he actually seems really good.

I posted that we had a great night and morning (Mon/Tues). I would say that we had a nice day yesterday too. My H knows there can be NC. I haven't said anything lately about it - I think it's a LB to keep 'reminding' him. We have been spending a lot of time together and it's wonderful. He has been very affectionate lately and I LOVE it!

We have done the EN questionnaire and the recreation inventory. I think he was surprised by how much we actually DO have in common <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . I think we've BOTH forgotten that. As for the EN we haven't actually sat down to discuss it, but we've both reviewed each others answers.

I took the LB questionnaire and he needs to do that too. I am about 60 pages into SAA and it's nothing too enlightening only because it's everything I've been saying to him for months. I think once I'm done with it, the book will do him more good to see it in black & white.

I have considered counseling with SH too, but wasn't sure how to go about it, etc. We had our D-Day in early November and he was seeing the OW for about 2 months prior to that. He moved out for a month in December and back in before Christmas. He's been home since, but a few weeks into returning home the *@%#$ e-mailed him and they had been talking ever since.

I found out about this while he was out of town training for work... I got an icky feeling about the way he had been acting and looked up our cell phone records and there she was!!! The A was actively back on for like 2 months. He was definately seeing her, etc. again. I found out mid-March. Since then, he hasn't really talked to her. She's called a few times and he just told her he was confused and couldn't really talk. Then, last Sunday she called AGAIN and wanted to meet him.

Get this... she said that SHE'S the only one who's gotten hurt by this!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Can you believe the b*lls of this woman? She knew what she was getting into - I got blindsided by both of their selfishness. Then she got mad saying that he had made his decision and that we'd probably end up getting divorced in 6 months anyway. She has NO IDEA what she's talking about. She doesn't know me or our M and has no room to talk.

I think it's easier for him to have her hate him though. Actually, I think it's easier on both of them. Not that I want it to be easier on her - as far as I am concerned she can die a slow painful death. But it also irks me that she can even be mad at him... they both knew the game and chose to play anyway.

She's part of the "single mom's" club - her and all her friends had kids out of marriage and have slept with married me and have SERIOUS issues. I only know this because she is a friend of a friend of my H & I. As a matter of fact, her best friend (single Mom w/ kid) had an A w/ a married man!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Sorry...venting... I am just so angry at them both, but I love my H so much that the anger is very subsided towards him. He know's he was wrong and has apologized profusely. She doesn't think she was wrong at all and I guess that's what really gets me. She thinks that my H fell out of luv with me and there's no getting that back. She thinks well she made him happy and I didn't so I didn't do my job and now I deserve to be fired.

She talks a big game but her fiance left her w/ their kid one year in... maybe he knew something???

I know how you feel right now. I seem to be going throught the very same thing. I am still in love with my H and can't imagine not having him. He told me a week ago that he was involved in an EA with someone from work. I had warned him about her when they were just "talking", but it happened anyway. He now says he wants to work out our M anyway he can. I said NC, but I have this feeling there has been. He puts his arm around me at night, but I'm not sure its because he wants to or he thinks he has to. I just have a bad feeling and don't know how to get rid of it. Best of luck to you...

Hi still in luv,

Since your WH contacted the OW again this month,almost two weeks ago,you are essentially back to square one.As I have discovered recently, my WH decision for the A to be over was not truthful,he contacted the homewrecker again by e-mail and I found out.

Did you do a good Plan A before? If not,then that is what you should be doing for now.Yes it's disgusting and dispicable that the OW is still contacting your WH but he is incapable of really ending things at this moment,at least it sounds like it to me.So you do Plan A for whatever time frame you feel you are able,such as 3 months,and then see where you are at then.Plan B was my saving grace when I needed it so don't be afraid that you may need to do that some day.I wish I could be in it right now and I am working toward that if not a D.

If at some point your WH decides to move out and live with the OW then for me,that is also a time to go to Plan B.

At this time,take care of yourself,try to meet your WH's EN's as you have said,look great,be outgoing as much as you can and try to put OW out of your mind,I Know,I know,that's hard to do.If you can push her out and make space in your brain for the other MORE important things,this can help with your sanity.The more I focused on the homewrecker,the more angry I was and that was just self destructive although I felt empowered.

Be the one with all the dignity and respect.Don't show your WH your bad side even though you may want to big time.When he comes out of the fog,you will want him to remember the best part of you,not the angry, bitter person that OW has helped to draw out of you.

A lot of what is going on here is out of your hands.You can change YOU but not WH.He is ultimately going to have to be the one to say "Ok I have had enough of this".If he doesn't come to the conclusion on his own,it will come back to haunt you both.That is his journey,you can only do what you can to be loving and supportive.

Regarding the NC letter.It is my experience that a NC letter is VITAL to any recovery as Dr.Harley says.I have gone through two false recoveries in which each time WH said good bye in PERSON and did it HIS way both of which have obviously failed.It was also a red flag that WH was not in the mind set to "DO WHATEVER IT TAKES" to make our marriage better.

Your WH,like a lot of other's,is in a big mess right now.There is a lot to go through and it is a long slow ride.That is why you need to stay healthy to endure it all.I have two daughters so I really needed to go above and beyond to keep them safe and help them too.There are no easy answers here,naturally,but there is a plan,a method to the madness and if you follow Dr.Harley's suggestions,that is your best chance.You may end up in a better marriage one day or at the opposite end of the spectrum and divorced BUT the plans here are designed to help you through it all.

Hang in there.

O

<small>[ March 31, 2004, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Octobergirl,
Thank you for your reply. I know in my heart you are right and I know what the 'right' thing to do is. BUT, it's SOOO hard! I think I've been good about not LBing and keeping myself healthy. My biggest problem is that my frustration with the OW and situation gets the better of me and I get short w/ my H... I don't want to, but before I know it, it comes out.

I'm working VERY, VERY hard on a great Plan A and hope that this is all it takes. I've asked my H if he's talked to the OW at all and he says no - but he says it like..."Well of course not, I told you I wouldn't talk to her and I've pissed her off enough not to talk to me." That makes me a little worried. It's too staged, ya know?

Some days I think I'm okay, most days I think I'm just plain crazy...