Hi all,
This is my second try to get your opinion. I am a new member and not sure how to start…I am 41, and mother of 14 and 8 years old. My H is 39…we were married for almost 15 years. Marriage was OK with normal up’s and down’s but nothing serious. We moved from Europe to CA in 1994. It is needless to say that we had a very rough period because of the move but we did well. We had to sacrifice a lot in order to be where are we today in the terms of our careers.

However, two years ago my husband and kids went for vacation alone. For the first time we were apart. The reason for separate vacation was kids. We wanted them to stay in Europe as long as possible and agreed that I’ll go later to bring them home. He stayed only a few weeks there and came home as a strange person. We were alone for a 2 weeks and I noticed a sudden change and wall of silence between us. I tried to talk about this behaviour but got rejected. He never opened his heart to me again…Yes, he gave me a some kind of the explanation about his feelings. To make it short, he had lots of time to think about our past during his vacation. He realized that he doesn’t feel for me what he used to feel (Who knows if he ever even felt anything?).

That was one of the most difficult periods in my life. I was devastated. I couldn’t work, sleep or eat…I couldn’t accept that 3 weeks could change someone that much if there was no good reason for that. I noticed that he has tendency to spend time alone on the computer. I started to think about infidelity…what else I could think about!!! I know that things happen but if it was only one nightstand and transparent for me I could go over it. However I found out that he is chatting and exchanging emails with someone from Europe. I know that it sounds absurd that someone in that age can live for those letters. I approached him and tried to talk about it but he refused to admit infidelity (he never admitted).
After that I did something really bizarre…I just couldn’t let it go after so many years. I found out what was his password and broke in the hotmail account. He was exchanging messages with 2 ladies form our town home. I would never make such a big deal about it if our relationship remained normal. One of the ladies was our cousin’s wife and neighbour’ wife back home. I was shocked and tried to talk to him. I said that I could understand that he is writing letters to his friends but I couldn’t understand why is that secret. I never had a chance to see what did he write but I could see replys from our cousin’s wife. They were very close in these letters as a friends but never mentioned anything about them doing staff together. Actually, they spoke about my “jealousy” and other things…I was devastated with a fact that my H could do something like that to me after so many years. Obviously, they were going out together I was not supposed to know about that. I was monitoring these messages for a few days. Some of these were original jokes with sexual context and addressed to my husband like “Only for uncle….”
I was heartbroken…I tried to find some support from my parents but my mother was not very supportive.
We had a big fight after I told him that I know about his emails. He said that I am sick and it is only in my mind…he is only trying to make a friend with people, and other bla, bla…He put all blame on me for what ever went wrong in our marriage. At the same time, he was very protective about his new friends when I mentioned that I might write them back. He continued with his emails but used other account (I kept checking history even though I didn’t know other password).

He said that the main reason for the sudden change was a fact that I was not around and he could go out like he use to go when we were not married. He is a different type, more relaxed and inert for the actions and I am opposite (or at least I use to be). He spoke about nostalgia and wanted to move back. I considered that as a suicide after all we’ve been going through to have what we have today.
My life turned to a nightmare and I believe that he felt the same way. We spoke about divorce and agreed that it is not solution for us. We are both family oriented and will do everything for our kids.

Somehow, we continued to live like that. The next spring he wanted to go back home for the visit because his mother didn’t feel well. Later, I found out that his “new friends” and him were making fun of me believing that he is going there only because of mom. When I approached him and asked for the explanation he said it was only a joke and I am taking things to serious. When he came home from his trip I tried to be more relaxed and trustful. We went for vacation as a family but he was never same again. Like I said once, he never came home from that vacation!

We continued to live together but I felt very bad, unwanted, unloved, betrayed…I felt so alone. The good thing is that we started to talk about us. We agreed that we’d try to make it work. I explained to him how I felt about everything and asked what was his major concern in our relationship. He said the same things to me…We spoke about letters, lost trust and love. He said (I haven’t asked) that he doesn’t keep in touch with these ladies anymore. It started to kind of work…at least we were open with each other.

After a few days I found out that he is still writing these letters. Needless to say how disappointed I was. In the other person response I could see that he was the one who initiated these letters. Again, they spoke about me. I am going there next summer and they are all scared that I am going to make a big deal about the whole thing. The person said she hopes I am not that stupid…. I was hurt so much that I almost lost my mind. Needless to say how sick I feel after all…He knows that I know about these letters but said it doesn’t matter. He still cares how do they feel, what is going to happen if their husbands find out and so on. I asked if he cares how do I feel. I think whatever he is doing to me he is also doing to himself…? By reading your articles on this site I personally think that he is in phase of withdrawal. He wants to work on our marriage but never wanted to admit to me what happen to him there that summer of 2002. We’ve never fully recovered after that…He doesn’t have passion and interest for me…Our sex life was never same after that and he keeps telling that it is normal for couple’s who are in their 40’s (to make love once on a week or once in a few weeks). My feeling is that my H wants to make it work better but doesn’t know how.

Please, help me with your wise advices. Do you think my husband is involved in some kind of emotional affair or other? Considering fact that other person lives far away how is that possible that it didn’t stop after 2 years?

What should I do? Should I divorce?

Yes, your husband is having emotional affairs, and you are understandably upset by his disrespectful behavior and his emotional intimacy with other women.

Should you divorce? No. There are lots of things you should do first.

This has been going on for a long time, so I would suggest that you consider the following:

- Continue to tell your husband the things you know, and how you know them. "I looked through the Web history and saw e-mails to these people. I am very upset about it. I want you to stop."

- Talk to your family about this.

- Write to the women involved, AND THEIR HUSBANDS. Let them know that this is having a bad effect on your marriage and ask them to stop.

- Talk to other members of your family and ask for their support of your marriage.

- Get ready to separate. NOT DIVORCE. Look up Plan B and understand what it means. That's what I'm talking about. Again, this has been going on for a long time, so I would say that you should consider separating in the next month or so.

Start in Plan A. Here is information -
Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.

In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended. Another common cause is a wayward spouse's failure to take the betrayed spouse's feelings into account. The betrayed spouse's inconsiderate behavior sometimes leads the wayward spouse to believe that he or she has the right to return thoughtlessness with thoughtlessness by having an affair. Willingness of the betrayed spouse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward resolving the issue of thoughtlessness.

A third possible cause of an affair is a lifestyle where spouses spend much of their leisure time apart from each other, and form leisure-time friendships with those of the opposite sex. A plan to avoid being away from each other overnight and making each other favorite leisure-time companions goes a long way toward creating a passionate marriage that is essentially affair-proof.

In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery. It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan.

But plan A, an effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.

Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B.

Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis?

While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s pouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day (being revealed to their family and friends), and almost all affairs end without leading to marriage. Even those few that end in marriage have only a 25% rate of success. That's because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion. Marriage, on the other hand, especially with children, has many factors that motivate couples to restore their passion for each other after passion has waned. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice.

But what about marital separation when an affair is not the issue. In your letter, you did not indicate why you had separated. It may have been for reasons other than infidelity.

In general, I recommend separation when at least one spouse cannot control destructive behavior. An ongoing affair, of course, is one of those situations. Hence, plan B. But other situations such as physical and verbal abuse, where one spouse's mental or physical safety is as risk, are also grounds for separation. As in the case of infidelity, if one spouse is abusive, I often recommend plan A first, where, through negotiation (without anger, disrespect or demands), an attempt is made to overcome the abuse without separating.

But in some cases, the safety risks are so great that plan B should be implemented immediately, with no time for plan A. In these cases, treatment for the abusive habit must take place during separation, and some evidence must exist that the risk has been greatly reduced, or completely eliminated, before the spouses should return to each other. Then, after being together again, the formerly abusive spouse should be held accountable by others for his or her behavior to assure the other spouse's safety.

In other cases, such as annoying behavior or failure to meet important emotional needs, where thoughtlessness does not reach the level of physical or mental abuse, plan A should be given quite a bit of time and effort before resorting to plan B. Remember, plan A is negotiating (without anger, disrespect or demands) to eliminate the annoying behavior or improve the meeting of emotional needs. A blanket agreement between spouses to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward eliminating these thoughtless acts, and can also help couples learn to meet each other's needs with enthusiasm. But without that policy, couples often find that they cannot get anywhere with each other through negotiation, and sometimes separation can eventually lead to mutual recognition that they need the Policy of Joint Agreement to help them resolve conflicts.

But, as I mentioned earlier, the risks of separation are great. It should be used only as a last resort to help resolve a fatal flaw in marriage. Once separated, couples often never do reconcile, remaining separated for life, or they eventually divorce. A fact unknown to many is that fifteen to twenty percent of all married couples end their lives permanently separated. These, who are not included in divorce statistics, usually feel that they should not legally divorce for religious reasons. But for most practical purposes, they are as divorced as those legally divorced. Their separation did not create the opportunity for reconciliation, but rather, created an even higher barrier between spouses.

So whenever spouses separate, I usually encourage a plan that moves them toward eventual reconciliation. From your letter, it sounds as if you are moving in that direction, and you simply need to know when it would be the right time to move back together. And you may want to know more about full marital recovery after you have ended your separation.

The four rules to recovery that I recommend after an affair are marital rules that every couple should be following. So they should form the basis for any plan for recovery after a separation. Since the four rules cover every conceivable problem that married couples face, they would address the issue that led to your separation. If you were to follow these four rules as part of your plan for recovery, I guarantee you that you will not only eliminate the problems that led you to separate, but you will also resolve many other conflicts that have prevented you from having a successful marriage.

I encourage you and your husband to make a commitment to follow the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage: Care, Protection, Honesty and Time, and once the commitment is made, end your separation and begin a marriage that will last a lifetime.

Betrayed Lady I wish I could help you or point you in the right direction but hold tight people will look at your posting. If it goes off the main page you could just add a reply like "bump" to get your post back to the top so people will read it. I wish you luck in your situation.

Thanks for the advices...

However, it won't be easy since my H never admitted about emotional affair. He keeps telling me that it is only friendly e-mailing and nothing else. I asked if it is so, why is he so protective about these emails. He could exchange message on our regular e-mail account and not private. Again, I was the one to be blamed...He said that he couldn't tell to me everything because I wouldn't understand and there were things he could share with our cousin's wife and her friend. As per my husband, they kind of opened their hearts and souls and spoke about marriage problems and dilemmas...and it was nothing else.
He complained that I was very jealous and demanding in the past. He said that I never listened to him and I could only hear myself.

I made my points regarding the whole situation...Honestly, I think that he was (or he is still) in love with someone there and these complaints are only excuse for what he did to our marriage. I told him that even if it was friendly chat, it was not with good reason to help us resolve our problems. It is so easy to chat over the coffee about someone's entire life, criticize and make personal judgements but it is so different to fully share your life for a years. He kept telling that it was nothing there but I think I know why is he doing that. Knowing my H I believe he thinks our marriage is over after he admits that he was involved with someone there. He said no matter what happen I’ll be always his wife and he can’t imagine different life.
It hearts so much and I believe that our kids could feel that too. Also, our son is going through the puberty and it is making things even more difficult. I am worried that our problems have an effect on them even though we don’t fight anymore. They could feel that I am very worried and unhappy.

What should I do to make my H admit emotional affair (or other)? He doesn't want to stop writing these e-mails telling to me that it has nothing to do with our problems. Should I try to e-mail cousin's wife?

Please, remember my background and cultural differences meaning people are not open-minded there and won't cooperate in this case so easy. I appreciate your opinion and advices.

If I remember right, Italians are very opposed to infidelity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Let's see. "Just Friends" is an important phrase. It means "I have something to hide from you about this person."

And "you wouldn't understand" means "I'm doing things that I know would hurt you, and I don't respect you enough not to do that."

Yes, you should get in touch with the folks in Italy. You can say, honestly, that you don't know what exactly is going on, but you're not comfortable with your husband e-mailing women and refusing to share the contents with you. And you want that to stop.