<small>[ April 12, 2004, 10:09 AM: Message edited by: craving_peace ]</small>

Please I need someone to respond..bumping this up

craving_peace, I think we need some more info. How long did A go on? How long married? Did you confess or did husband find out on his own, or neither? Was it EA only?

WOE

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 10:10 AM: Message edited by: craving_peace ]</small>

Craving, this info helps. OK everyone here is going to tell you that you need to confess. If EA only H will take it much better but if more to it you need to confess that as well. Understand your H has known for a long time that something is very wrong and he doesn't know what to do about it. You are witholding crucial information from him that could effect the rest of your lives. Correct me where I'm wrong but isn't your A a cry for help? Isn't there a big gap in your marriage. This younger man represents something to you. I mean at the beginning he must we making you feel special in some way. The right way to heal is for you to get your husband to understand how this happened and to protect it from happening again. That is the reason to confess; to prevent either you or your husband from this ever happening again. Consider is you're miserable chances are your husband may be miserable. What if he ended up having a full blown A. They are very addictive and he may be vulnerable because he's is a bit of a disfunctional marriage right now. And finally you are going through the most traumatic event of your life. You don't have to go through it alone. Although you're husband will initially be devasted, as you well know if you visit here enough, but he'll also appreciate that you came to him as hard as it was. That is the most precious gift my W ever game me. She still doesn't realize it but someday I want to make that clear to her.

I can't tell you how long it hurts but my W has been in this EA for 2 years but has weekly contact so she is very slow to come out of the fog. I know she grieves for me and our marriage but she doesn't grieve for OM because he's still there. No contact is the key for you. Stay strong and of course this will get easier. Really think about telling your husband. And consider this; HE ALREADY KNOWS.

WOE

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would appreciate any ideas from former WSs. When does the pain end after NC begins? How do I initiate NC.. email or phone?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did it by phone, my H listened, saying I could no longer have any contact AT ALL. PERIOD. Not even a "hello" in the hallway when we passed. I told him it was out of respect for my H and I didn't want to be put in a postion to have to keep anything from my H and I would no longer hurt my H. He was angry and his true colors came out.

Yes, it was hard to see him every day for 4 more months until I changed jobs. Once I no longer saw him, it was very easy.

Just be strong. You will miss him for a while, but remember what you had with him was not real, even though it feels as though it was.

I'm so glad you're here. Keep reading here on Marriage Builders and be sure you truly understand what needs to be done to recover. Read Surviving An Affair. It will help tremendously. And you must tell your H. He will be hurt, but will appreciate your honesty and coming to him before it becomes a PA, and believe me it would, mine did.


My H and I never truly recovered from my A. And 5 1/2 years later our M is in turmoil, my H has had an EA for a year and no longer is sure he wants to be with me. Don't let this happen to you, it is not too late. I wish I had found this site 5 1/2 years ago. . . .
Good luck.

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: craving_peace ]</small>

You need to be upfront and honest with your husband. It is unfair for him to be living a lie. If you have a good marriage, why did you allow it to happen? Is your husband abusive, disrespectful, a womanizer, etc.? These are questions that he will have. It will be difficult to tell him, but you have to do it. You may want to think what to say and be prepared to answer his questions with all honesty.
Being betrayed is perhaps one of the most painful experiences in life and many people compare it to losing a child. The betrayed spouse is going to feel devastated, torn, insecure, unloved, and will question his or her own existence. You will need to be supportive in spite of your own feelings. The most important thing is to stop all contact with the other man. You said he is married. Imagine yourself being the wife of that man and how you would feel if you are the person being betrayed or worse yet, imagine it was your husband and not you who is having the A, what would you feel or do?

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: craving_peace ]</small>

craving_peace,

I think everyone here will advise you to tell your H because:
1. If you don't tell him he will never know how truly devastating your arguments and his drinking were to you. This means he won't be properly motivated to make the changes necessary to avoid another A in the future (yours or his).
2. If you don't tell him you won't have a marriage built on complete honesty and trust. What if OM's wife finds emails and sends printed copies to your H? (This happened to a friend of mine over a year after the A had ended).


That said, I'd end communication via email. Phone is just too personal. Don't say you're sorry for hurting OM or you'll always think of him or anything like that. Just say the friendship is wrong, it's hurtful to your marriage, and you love your H. Ask him to please never attempt to contact you in any way at any time in the future.

Then put a rule on your email account so all emails from him are deleted before you ever see them.

Change any phone numbers that he knows about.

Get rid of any "secret" email accounts and IM nicknames.

Delete all emails from him and get rid of anything else that has to do with him. If he mentioned a certain candy bar is his favorite and you have a wrapper tacked to your corkboard at work, throw it away. Get rid of EVERYTHING.

Post here often - the withdrawal is going to be very difficult and it will go through phases. At first you will find it hard to not call, text, IM, or email him when something happens that you want to share with him. You'll find yourself looking for his name in your Intray. Then things will ease up a bit. After that, when the permanence starts to sink in, you'll panic again and it will get hard again. Post here and others who have been trough it will offer you encouragement.

CravingPeace...Your screen name says it all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ! I am a FWS and was in a PA with the OM for about 11 months. D-day was 10 months ago. I absolutely am convinced that an EA is just as damaging to you and your marriage as my PA was. I struggled with the EA part of it for months after the physcial part ended. As everyone here will tell you, you must tell your H. It doesn't do any good to rationlize that it was just an EA and not PA to yourself.

You are just as obessed with OM as I was. The emotional part of it is what gets into your heart and mind and absolutely consumes you.

Can you tell me a little bit about how this all started?

Craving_Peace, this won't go away by itself and we hope you don't go away. You're insight is invaluable on this board (and so is this boards).
We can all learn lots from eachother so please hang in there and understand the spirit of the replies.

My wife had an EA for about 7 months too. We too have been married 20 yrs. The OM was also substantially younger than her. Her ego was being filled daily but she was torn between her real family and her fairytale. It got so bad for her that she said she had no good memories of me in the last 20 years. Her mind became very distorted due to the fairytale romance. She declared her love for the OM to me and was very torn.

She was ready to get an apartment and move away from the kids and I. The OM was young enough to be her son and was very immature. He actually began battling for her love as if he was in a competition. He didn't want the package for keeps, he just wanted to win the battle and to have sex with her. He didn't love her enough to tell her to protect her family and to tell her to not hurt the kids. He wanted her to move away from them and move in with him.

Slowly but surely, the OM began showing signs of selfishness and she started seeing his self-serving attitude.My wife finally started to realize she was in love with the fantasy and not with him and that is likely happening to you too.

Your relationship is a sham and built on lies and deciet and it can only be more damaging if it continues. Your husband will not leave you so break off the relationship 100% then tell your husband what happened. Admit your mistakes and ask him to forgive you and work with you. Show him MB and let him learn about what steps he needs to do to go forward.

Seek out MC too. You both are going to need it. Do not continue with any contact for it will only screw you up and delay the recovery process.

Keep us posted.

MW

Craving,

You want to know why you have to end this A AND tell your H. It is in your words and the also in what you imply. I will illustrate as best I can. Allow me to quote a few things you said and let's see if they sound the same to you as they do me. Then I will tell you really why you need to tell your H.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
My husband doesnt know anything is wrong.. he seems very happy with me and we still have a good marriage believe it or not..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, my husband is not a womanizer or abusive but we did argue often and his drinking had escalated, which I believe made me distance from him in the last months.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The EA has gone on for about 7 months and the intensity is somewhat diminished but I'm still crying every day ..even though we still are in touch.. I miss him because things have changed and the contact has been drastically reduced because of his job change..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just have no energy and I know its all because I got involved online. Why should I hurt him?.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I dont know why I need to devastate him because I plan to stop and end things and not have further contact.. I never planned to meet this person so I dont plan to tell my husband about him. What good would come of that as long as this is ended and I continue NC? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The other thing is I have put myself in his W's shoes and that is one of the reasons I plan to end this EA.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For that I am happy one day and upset the next. I do want this to end but I'm having a terrible time letting go.. I feel so addicted to this relationship.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So let's see you don't think this is hurting your H and that he does not know, but his drinking has increased in the last few months. You are crying all of the time. You have no energy. You are happy one day and upset the next.

AND YOU DO NOT THINK YOUR H HAS NOTICED HUH?

Got a hot flash for you Craving, he has and it has affected him. The only thing he does not know is why.

But, you not telling will continue the downward slide of the marriage for several reasons. You will be unlikely to let go until you or your OM is caught. You will not deal with your failures until you are accountable to someone, and guess who that someone must be. You say you are addicted and all here would agree with you, but what is the most successful plans for handling addictions? AA, and the require disclosure and accountability, and guess who that is.

But, let's say you don't believe me and let's say you both end this without the BS's knowing the details, they know something is very wrong, but not the who, how, where, and when. Then you have a secret you must keep. You will have to make sure you don't call husband by the OM's name when in deep passion, so you will avoid that. You will have to make sure you don't indicate you have done something you haven't done with your H, so you won't do it. If you have any conscience at all and you may not, you will have a hard time looking him in the eye. And you can forget those deep talks about how each of you feel about each other, life, your children having affairs or being married to someone who cheats on them.

In short, you will find that your secret will eat at you and your marriage like a low level acid and it will just be a union with little under the surface. You don't think so now, but too many WS's have come here saying the same thing and have tried not telling their H's. But, ulitmately things fail or people tell.

Check out Cliff's post in Just found out. His W had an affair a few years ago. The guilt forced her to tell. If you want a long running one, look for posts by "Jill". She posted here a year or more but gradually the marriage was failing and she felt she had to tell. There are many cases.

None profited for the secrecy. There is a thread by StupidGirl (I hate that name) in GQ II that you will find interesting, read her posts and those of MrsX.

You will have a difficult time ending this without your H's help. You will have a difficult time overcoming the distance that has built between you two due to your A, if he doesn't know. He cannot help you rebuild the marriage because he doesn't know the nature of the damage. So you will get to do it alone.

Craving, the reasons to tell far outweigh the reasons not to tell. Finally read FinallyLearning's post. She did not tell her H based on her councelors and her Pastors recommendations, but these two people allowed counseling to continue. See why she told and what he is struggling with now.

There is NO EASY WAY OUT OF THIS MESS. All avenues have pain, but only one can lead to complete healing and rebuilding the marriage, and that path takes honesty.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

i am new today to this forum. i am hurting today & everyday. i miss my lover even though he hurt me. i cant get thoughts of me & him out of my head. i feel like a terrible woman. i have not talked with him in almost 3 wks even though it is all i can think about.pal

<small>[ April 12, 2004, 10:16 AM: Message edited by: craving_peace ]</small>

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

Craving, the decision to disclose is of course all yours. There are certainly experts on both sides of this. Here of course the theme is full disclosure. But as you have seen the pain is devastating. Here's something to think about; does your husband already know or suspect something?

Also this is a big secret between you. Let's suppose he has an A years from now because he didn't learn the precautions necessary to avoid one. He then confesses to you and is overwhelmed with guilt. In your zeal to forgive him and help him heal you blurt out "I've been there, I know what you're going through". How is that little bomb going to sit. I understand there will be no contact and that is critical but also this will be a huge secret for you to be keeping. Are you up to it? Think and pray on this one. It is a very difficult decision but again, I repeat, it is the best gift my W has ever given me. I say that with all sincerity and we haven't even begun to heal yet. I imagine I will be even more grateful if we can fall in love again. She at least gave me the chance. I'm not trying to guilt you into this, it only seems this way. After all I have never confessed any errors in my life so maybe I shouldn't be giving this advice. Just some things to think about, that's all. Good luck.

Craving,

If you think your husband is living in blissful ignorance, you are going to be in for one BIG surprise. My WW tried to keep the truth from me, but it did not work. Too many little things didn't add up. To many clues were left around. To many suspicions were aroused. To many things just didn't make sense.\

I found out the truth by snooping about. My wife taught me to do that! By withholding information and acting strange she taught me that I must snoop in order to find out the truth about her activities. She taught me well.

You are fooling only yourself.
Tell the truth.

Craving,

I can understand that you don't want to tell your H of the EA and I think you'll admit that it's not just that you want to spare your H the pain.The same reasons you got involved with another man while married leads you to be dishonest again,at best,and not give your H the opportunity to make the decision to leave or stay in the marriage.That to me is selfishness rearing it's ugly head again.

Look,I think most of us here that are BS's would tell you that if the EA is truly never going to go any further and you are going to end it,then DO that and then tell your H about what has happened.From my experience,I would have loved it if my WH told me his A was over and wanted to work on our marriage beforehand.

What do I have now,a WH that is STILL in an EA with the homewrecker and it hasn't ended.But for you,it will be over and you can then clear the slate and not have that burden in your heart the rest of your life.Can you REALLY endure that? Don't take the EASY way out.Make a decision that is honorable,dignified and worthy.Would you want anything less than complete honesty in a marriage? Are you willing to settle for less?

O