Well, I thought I'd be on next week writing my 2 month update but I'm really struggling this week so I thought I'd post a little earlier in hopes that maybe putting things 'down on paper' might help me better understand where I am, or more importantly, might help me get to where I need to be. This is sure to be a long post so I apologize in advance to those who try to read it. I posted a few days ago and managed to make it through the next day with a few smiles but they were short lived <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> so here I go again...

I don't know what's wrong with me but I just can't stop crying. I'm completely focused on something else, busy with the kids, or whatever and then I realize I'm crying. I'm just feeling so lost...so alone...so unloved and unworthy.

I just read a post that JustLearning wrote to someone:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> one thing that the WS needs to understand is that they have always been loved during the A, by one or perhaps two people. Whereas the BS knows that for a period at least they were loved by no one.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Jenny was a good woman, and Jenny is a good woman. Her H knows that. He struggles as you do with the inconsistency of the actions. The actions don't match what her H knew for many years or sees now. So what to do with this "burp" in behavior? How serious is it? Does it mean that things can never be the same or better? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So true to my life that I just burst into tears again. Other than my children (who are too young to hate me yet) my H is the only person who I think has ever truly loved me. Sure, there are other people in my life but no one who has ever made me feel special, wanted, or loved. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that my H's A has just totally blown my world apart. Our M was not perfect but I always felt safe with him. I always felt that no matter what it would always be me and him against the world. I always felt that no matter what I could count on him. I knew that things weren't 'right' while he was involved with OW but I just thought it was a bad phase of our M and that we would get through it. It's killing me that the man I gave my heart to...probably the only person who has ever seen it...could so easily put a knife into it and go to another. I thought I knew my H and I found comfort in the words he's always spoken to me...no matter what we would be together. Coming from a divorced family I found such comfort in knowing that he believed in the concepts of M and fidelity...for those who know my story you know that my H is the person who taught me about true love...unconditional love...forever. I didn't believe in it before I met him and...well, I guess I'm wondering if I believe in it now. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />


I will give my H credit where credit is due...he has chosen his family over the OW. It's been 2 weeks since NC (which means for 5 weeks he lied about NC) and he tells me he is committed to our M forever. He has sent me emails, bought roses, brought home gifts, and even bought me a new car. He has come home from work early, helped around the house, spent quality time with the kids, and has arranged for home improvements to begin. He has answered all questions I've asked. He has been everything that all of us BS pray for for the past two weeks...so why am I still feeling so alone...so broken...so lost? Why is this pain so deep when I have everything that we're all looking for?

I am trying very hard to meet my H's ENs. I don't know how well I'm doing. I want to say I think I'm doing well. He's not telling me otherwise and I'm trying to focus on his top 5. I've read SAA and HNHN. I'm working on the Love Busters book. I've read this site, printed things out and have reread. I read the boards and even have a notebook for some of the posts that have 'hit home' so to speak. I read and reread the success stories looking for hope.

Still...I just cry and cry and cry. My heart is feeling so cold...it's like it's withering and dying. I look at my H and I don't know who he is and that scares me. He tells me he loves me but why now and not 6 months ago when the A started? I realize the A was a fog and I believe the fog has completely lifted for my H but how do I know that it will not return...for her or someone else?

I'm going to include this from an email that my H wrote to me the other day. It's very personal so I hesitate to include it and I'll probably wind up deleting it in the end as I'm not sure my H would want to know I shared it but I really need some help here. This is the last paragraph of the email:

"Deleted by LosingFocus."

I want so badly to believe his words...who wouldn't? What's hard for me is that those were the the same things he would have said to me pre-A...even when times between us were bad he would have said those words to me...damn, we were talking about having another child round about the time his PA started. He and OW did their thing and three days later we moved 200 miles away into our 'dream' home, in our 'dream' neighborhood, to start our 'dream' life. 8 business trips with OW in the following 3 months blew that dream to bits...at least for me.

I don't know how to get over this. I don't know how to move on. I don't know how to embrace his words and take them as the truth. I don't know how to see our future without this pain. I don't know how to trust him when he tells me he has no feelings for OW...that it's all about me. I know I need to let go of the past in order to move forward but I don't know how to do that. My H tells me, and I know he's right, that this is my issue. It's no longer about him. It's about me. He's doing what he needs to do and now the ball is in my court and I don't know what to do with it. I grieve for my lost M, for I know it will never be the same...better some say...I can't see that right now. I grieve for my lost H, for I now know that he is not the man I thought he was...if true to his words...perhaps he is a better man. I grieve for the loss of myself...for I no longer know who I am.

For those of you who have made it to the end, thank you for reading. If you have a 2x4 and think smashing it over my head might help, I'm game. Like probably everyone on these boards I want so badly to be happy again. I've been told in the past that time and patience will help. Perhaps I'm looking for things to happen too quickly but I worry that they're not happening quick enough and that my H just might tire of me again...

<small>[ March 29, 2004, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: LosingFocus ]</small>

That was a beautiful e-mail note from your husband. He is sincerely trying.
What more can he do?

The past is over, and all you have is today and the future.

You will have a sense of 'well-being' and joy in your heart again, once you sincerely forgive him.
Until then, you won't.
Sincerely, Julie

<small>[ March 30, 2004, 06:17 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Hi LF!

I was wondering how you were doing.

7 weeks is so early yet. Your emotions are all over the place. Your emotions probably won't settle down for another 5 weeks or so.

Let me share something with you...

My H issued NC on d-day and didn't look back but fought recovery for 7 months. Continued lying, wouldn't express feelings, wouldn't talk..and definitely wouldn't discuss the A. Did not seem remorseful or sorry.

I hung in there, encouraged, tried to meet his EN's, tried not to LB, etc. but was quickly losing hope.

Then click! My H started acting like your H... 7 months later instead of 7 weeks later!

Once my H got it, I fell apart.

I LB'd. Cried. Fought recovery myself. Was depressed. Was scared. Did not believe it was true. Had myself convinced that he was just being nice to fool me, etc. That funk lasted almost two months.

I'm happy to say that I think we're both on the path to recovery at the same time now. I'm letting H win my heart back and enjoying every moment of it. Just like I'm winning his heart back and he's loving it.

There's still a hole in my heart that will never be recovered. I lost that on d-day. If I let myself really think about the A, I can easily get caught up in the whole thing and cry my heart out again.

I'm trying to focus on the positive.

I think things sound really good for you. Your H sounds like he is trying to win your heart back. Go ahead and grieve...you have to get it out, but try to focus on the positive. IMO, it sounds good.

Take care LF. Keep posting.

sss

<small>[ March 30, 2004, 06:57 AM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

LF- (((((((hugs))))))))) to you , I know you said, in your post that , there are others that feel as you do and your right.

You have writen words here that I have as well and the ones I never wrote .

I to have felt the same way exactly and this may scare you half to death , but I still feel that way .

I am much fearther along , and yet I still have those times inside me . LOST , not knowing if I can ever be hole again . And it has nothing to do with being co-dependent or any of those terms some may use .

It is who you are, I think you need to make sure your sharing them with your H as well . Cry when he holds you , just because . You need to have that . Yes I know that he is doing wonderful , but the thought of WHY did it take this A to have this kind of M ??

I don't have that answer and no one does . Yes we can all say different things to come up with something , but trueth be told there is no answer.

And when will or will you ever trust again and when will the pain stop or the empty heartbreak end ? NO answer for that either .

TIME & PATCIANCE ,,, they are words I hated to here when ever I asked the questions you are asking . I word fight that and say I want NOW I deserve NOW , I want to never feel this AGIAN .

But it is those very words TIME & PATIANCE that will happen for you .

Your H e-mail was wonderful and you knew that as well , but I like you say WELL you've always said those things and yet you had an A , so what makes it different .

Trueth is no garanties will ever be there. Trust will come little at a time and you need to take baby steps .

I want to post more later tonight I have more to say , so don't get tired of me yet .

Losing Focus,
Your post touched me and encouraged me. All the things your WH is saying to you right now are all the things us still in Plan A hope and pray for every day.

I know the hurt,the betrayal, and the fear. The anxiety of it all feels like it will blow you right over.

FORGIVE YOURSELF. I think with THAT, you'll be able to forgive your WH. You are beating yourself up over something. Think about what you've read, 7 out of 10 marriages experience an A. You're making it. And you've found this great wealth of information and support.

Be strong, stay on Plan A. Your WH sounds like he adores you, and sounds very remorseful. Put it behind you, if you let it keep haunting you, you'll fall off your Plan. Come here, cry, vent, scream, resent. But stay true to who you are.

I'm praying for you to feel better. I hope you will soon.

LF,

You aren't alone, I too cry all the time. Mostly late at night but I find myself at work with an eyeful of tears all the sudden.

Sometimes driving too, I don't have anything to tell you to help, I just wanted you to know you are not alone and not strange in any way.

I'm only 5 weeks along so I don't really know if or when it will stop.

Stay Strong

BrokenHubby

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I only have a moment on the computer as my kids are waiting for 'family time' but I wanted to acknowlege all of you briefly.

Blessed Time - I'm not sure if there is more my H can do. As I said, this is my issue to get through. Are you a BS? If so, how did you forgive? Also, if you would, I would appreciate if you would remove the part of your post that includes the words from my H. As I mentioned, I will probably delete it from my post as it is my H's personal thoughts. I would appreciate it.

SSS - I know I am so lucky that my H is where he is. I am in the funk you described and it's scaring the cra* out of me. Having that hole in my heart scares me also. My heart had many holes in it before I met my H. I did not enjoy life. I did not enjoy me. He patched up my heart and I thought it had healed for good...now I'm not so sure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

3 - talk on...after all we are twins? Right?

Betrayed in NJ - I so apprecite your prayers. I'm trying to stay strong but it seems the more I try the harder it becomes. You say, 'stay true to who you are' but that's part of my problem...I don't know who I am.

Broken Hubby - my thoughts are with you as we both go through this horrible time.

Stay in Plan A, you know who you are, it's hidden beneath a lot of understandable pain right now. You have FAMILY TIME... good for you and your family. THAT is who you are.

Make Plan A a part of your life, it will help you. I'm sure of it. You'll find strength in your efforts and the rewards you'll give yourself for having the courage to stand by your marriage will pay off.

Hang in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

losingfocus

I am going to say to you some of the same I said to 3isacrowd just last week...whom posted along the same line as you....

I believe that people can become so lost that they turn to others in an attempt to fill that loniless..

I believe that they are in a great war with theirselves and their souls when this occurs...

I believe that they can act and behave in ways that appear to bring them great joy and fun and excitement...and yet inside they hurt more than we can imagine if we base it on their appearance and the apprearance of their actions....

I think that people can find themselves again..or for some for the first time...
and those actions that appear to others so free and fun..bring them shame and embarrassment...
so that the person who is in front of you now is not the same person who was in such inner turmoil then...

I believe in GOD's infinite love...and humankind's ability to change and become someone else...

GOD hears your pain
he hears your hearts pain....
And I believe your husband has found his way home...

And yet you are forgetting something so very important...

you are forgetting that in this universe YOU hold great value and purpose...

you are not lovable because of your husbands love...
you are not valueable because of the value placed on you by others...
you hold great sovereignty because of YOU alone...

And you owe it to yourself and to your husband to find that belief in you...perhaps for the first time eh?

And as I told 3isa...I tell you also that you pray...set a goal to pray hard for even these next two weeks....

and I suggest you try to find some of the books out there on the lives of Saints...regardless of religious backing...from their stories much peace and wisdom can come...

The stories of saints are filled with people who faced great trauma...but are also filled with stories of those that were full self doubt and loathing....
and even those that were neurotic and quirky...
yet they all sought and found God's loves...and when they really let go enough to believe...
they let go of the pain...

I would offer Saint Francis as an example...who teaches that it takes brute strength and courageous determination to be happy...that sometimes it takes more courage to turn to God than it does to turn away from Him....

the OW is nothing to you and him...
in the big picture of this universe...

seek your blessings ..they are there...believe....

ARK

Hi 'Losing Focus'.
That was a thoughtful message from 'Ark', re-read it and grasp it to your heart!

I went back and deleted the sweet e-mail your hubby had written you.

You asked how I forgave my husband's infidelity.
After several months of crying, not just every day but almost every hour, I decided that I have a CHOICE!

I can be sad and carry this sorrow and keep nagging my H about it, or I can 'forgive' and be free.

I told myself that a person has a lot of capacity to love others (like parents love their children no matter how many they have) and maybe my husband does have love for the OW but that doesn't mean he doesn't still love me.

He is with me, not her.
So I think he loves me best; the OW is just a pleasant memory to him; that someone else in this world besides his wife, thought he was special enough to get 'smitten' with him.

I am just letting it go and being the best wife I can be. (Not forgotten, just put on a back burner in my mind.)

On the 'infidelity diet' I lost 20 lbs. in 3 months....I had been trying to lose that 20 lbs. for years!!!
But it is just hard to swallow food or have any appetite when the affair is revealed and our personal world is in upheaval!

We only have one chance at life, and it is our decision how we want to live it.

I CHOOSE to be happy and to have a forgiving spirit.
After 2 months of crying, I finally made an actual schedule and would try to go an entire hour without crying, then 2, etc.
I wrote it down.
And then came the day, that for 24 hours, I didn't cry.
That was a break-through.

Now, I only cry once or twice a week!
And only in private time with no one around!
Tears are cleansing to the soul, but too much crying keeps us in a depressed mood!
Sincerely, Julie

Thank you again for your responses. ARK - </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> you are not lovable because of your husbands love...
you are not valueable because of the value placed on you by others...
you hold great sovereignty because of YOU alone...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is very difficult for me to see. When I became a stay at home mom I truly lost my identity. I became only a wife and a mother...and, as we can see I obviously wasn't a very good wife. I hope I'm not screwing up my children too much...I guess time will tell on that one. When you haven't felt love...then it's given to you with no strings attached...and you're wondering why you deserve it now but never before...and then it's taken away, laughed at, given no value, forgotten...you wonder if it was ever true...and it's so easy to believe that it never really was deserved...that you never really were worthy in the first place... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now, I only cry once or twice a week!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Julie - It's been about 2 hours since my last tear was shed. I guess that's progress. How far are you in your recovery?

I just read this after I screwed up , and posted over in your other thread by mistake ! I hope ya read the other it says almost what you said, here .

And ARKS post is wonderful and words to keep reading over and over .

TU ARK I printed mine and read it every night !

NO MORE THREAD JACK ! BYE