i realize H and i are at much different places with recovery. for me, it really started back in nov when i finally decided that i would not continue my destructive behaviour. it still took a while, but i have had many months to get stronger and stronger.

For him the entire 2 1/2+ yrs has just become clear 8 days ago.

i fear i am not allowing him to express his anger adequatley. it's not that i am asking him to not be mad at me, but because i am so remorseful, i think that deflats his anger before he can express it all and i realize he must have extremely intense anger. i wrote this concern of mine in our journal (although, he is not reading the journal right now). does anyone have any thoughts on how i can help him express his anger so it does not fester inside of him?

FL,

A BS also goes through stages of grieving. Anger is one of those stages. Your H will go through what is according to his personality.

Do you both have access to a good MC? Can you both do counseling with Jennifer or Steve here @ MB? Phone counseling is available and easy to do.

You can't hurry his healing. This will take patience on both your parts. You realize your healing is at different stages. This is good to know and will help you be patient.

Let him know you are available if he has concerns or questions. Then step back and let him dicipher it himself.

Share with him some examples here. If he reads here, he will find that your sitch is not as bad as what some of us are facing.

Don't tell him you understand. It may make him mad. Don't make promises right now. Just let him know you have learned your lesson and realize how important the family is. Then stop trying to make him feel better. He needs to grieve.... a bit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

JMHO,
L.

thanks for the reply Orchid.

we are not in MC at the moment. We were before when i was still having the A. I am certainly open to going, i hesitate bringing it up to him. The fact that I had told the previous MC about the A and she did not guide me into confessing bothers him very much. Same goes with our pastor. I had talked to him months after it all first started, about 3 months into it, i tried to break free and confessed to pastor and asked for advice. he told me to not tell.

we had been in C for a long time during the A, i don't think he wants more C. I feel i have to wait until he decides. I have considered asking him about phone C with Steve, but i have not brought it up yet.

He has not really made a decision about the future yet. He tells me he cannot talk about the future until test results come back (hopefully this morning!)

I understand what you are saying about letting it be on his timeframe. patience, patience and more patience. i just want him to feel better. but i can have patience because even more, i want him to truely recover, not just stuff it in.

FL, I just want to echo Orchid's statement that you shouldn't tell him you understand. But you can say you are desperately trying to understand just how bad you hurt him. And you are doing that by visiting this board. There's a big difference. I can tell you I very much want my W to understand the pain but she can only do that through counseling or reading or visiting here. But when she said she knows it hurt my pride I almost hit the ceiling. My point is he needs support and not information. Take a team approach to this and I think you will heal faster. I kinda look at it like somebody got very sick and we need to be there for eachother. It could have just as easily happened to the other person in the marriage. I always believe this and deep down your husband knows it could have just as easily been him. So take comfort in the fact that he knows you are also very, very sorry. He knows that. I think most BS's know that. You took a major step in the right direction to heal your marriage and don't lose sight of that.

woe, thanks for the advice, i will keep that in mind.

H does not know too much about this board. I had mentioned it a few times over the past few months but he did not take much notice of it or show any interest. i am hesitant to say much about it know because 1) it is still the internet and the internet is how i met OM 2) as i have mentioned, i am not so sure i should be pushing him to work on our relationship, he has already been doing that for 2 yrs!! and the works has really paid off, in fact that is why i confessed, ya know?? i don't think all that work should be discounted due to this, but i do think a new can of worms has been openned and i don't want to just ignore that.

i can't believe how stupid i am!!! if i had only openned up to him earlier, he would not have been doing all this by himself for so long. so much wasted time!!!!!

FL,


You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if i had only openned up to him earlier, he would not have been doing all this by himself for so long. so much wasted time!!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, the time was not wasted. It was not used as productively as it could have been. But, it was not wasted. He turned you around. He showed you he loved you. You learned what it takes to make a marriage go.

The sad reality is if you had known enough to really productively used the time, you and your marriage very likely wouldn't been in the shape it was and you would never have had the A. So what you must face is that it was what it was.

The goal is to take the good from this situation (what you learned) to help your H now, and then the two of you take the knowledge and make a better marriage. He is just into dealing with this, barely a week. No way can you really help him, other than to be there.

You need to guard against the wanting to move on. You have dealt with the A, his efforts, you changing perspective for YEARS now, he has had only a week.

I agree that you don't understand his pain, but you do understand that he will need more time to handle this. Comfort him and let him know he does NOT and should not make any decisions for a long while now (the normal number by the way is 6 months to a year). I am not sure you tell him this, but if he asks tell him that is what is normal.

But, mostly urge him to have patience with himself and his feelings. He has time to heal and THEN MAKE DECISIONS. Urge him to take the time.

Also, ask him to talk to you about how he feels. He may get angry, but often he will just feel pain, or loss, or uncertainty, or fear. Discuss it with him. Discuss your fears but don't lay anything on him. Just assure him you will do your best, and keep reminding him that it was his efforts that completely changed you, and that you have a lot of respect for him. Hence you will do all you can to help him as well.

Gradually, introduce the idea that you two are still a team. I read and heard something recently that might be of use to you. I cannot recall where I heard it, but it was in several places. A person who had been asked how they had remained married for 50 years responded: We never fell out of love with each other at the same time.

I sense in your marriage this is exactly the case.

Hang in there FL.

God Bless,

JL

thanks JL. I will try not to rush him. I know this needs to be at his pace and i am ok with that. your advice is very good, as always. for me so much of the crisis is finally over, for me i see only better days ahead because of how much turmoil i have been in. i realize for him, he is at the beginning. i intend to walk his path with him as long as he needs. for the most part i do feel very optomistic, but still also very sad because of the pain he is in.

i look forward to him coming home tonight. H was very relieved to hear the tests all came back neg.

JL and FL, I heard the same thing and it was inspiring. I was with my W when I believe we heard it on Dr.Phil's show. Not quite sure but I know it was on TV and we were together. It was comforting.

I also heard once on this board a young man was waiting in the doctors office and his W was in the middle of an A. He asked an older couple how they had stayed together so long. The W responded that they had been through everything but during the toughest times they always held onto eachother the tightest.

Simply be a friend to him and offer support. If you feel he wants to be alone, let him be alone and have space to think and grieve. Do not put pressure on him of any kind. But do not forget yourself. You also need some time to reflect and pray. Unfortunately, I learned this too late and I am about to lose my H through a divorce.