<BR>How do you find out what makes you tick? How do you know what qualities are good in you and what you need to improve?<BR>Can a person REALLY change? I realize that all behaviors can be modified, but you who you are really change.<BR>I know that I need to work on me. I'm struggling on how to do it.<BR>I don't even know what I enjoy anymore. This past year my mind has been consumed with my H's affair and how to save my marriage. I have resigned myself to the fact that God alone can restore my marriage. I have done all I could.<BR>Any suggestions?

Well, I think the first thing as far as working on yourself is to find out what you really like about yourself and know that that is one thing you don't want to do away with. Keep looking at all the good things you like and then look at all the bad and say to yourself, "How would I want to do things differently if I had the chance?" Then try to change yourself in the image you wish. When you think about it, your not really changing yourself, your only doing the things you wanted to do to begin with. We all have to decide what good qualities about ourselves we want to keep and what do we haul to the curb. But then life is that constant process anyway, isn't it? Either way, Good Luck to you! Will be praying!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

I've been waiting for you! How're you feeling today? Good questions....Asked the same ones myself lately. You're tired today. the answers will come to you as time goes on. You're not the type to just say "whatever" and let them ride. Give yourself some time, Cheryl, OK?<P>Now, I don't have an answer to your question, but I had a GREAT talk w/ a really cool minister. She married my brother and SIL last October. I was impressed w/ her when we met in that she was amazingly spiritual, but SO grounded and aware of the realities of this world. Not only that, but when she heard about my problems and what a hard time I had coping at first, she called me twice - long distance - because of her relationship w/ my brother's family to see if she could help or if I needed someone to talk to. What an Angel. And what peace it brought me for a while after we talked. Anyway, one of her suggestions was to make a list - take DAYS or WEEKS to make it, if necessary - of things I wanted to do, thought I should do, needed to do. The list should be all-encompassing - everything from buying new clothes to moving to learning more patience, holding my tongue, keeping the house cleaner, cut my hair - nothing too big or too small. Anyway, once this extra-long list was done, make a list of the people who most influenced my actions - H, daughter, mother, boss, me, God...more if necessary, but shouldn't be too many. Most of the time our actions are influenced by very few people. Spend some time (maybe she was just trying to keep me busy!!! LOL) looking at each item on the first list. Ask myself, who would want me to do this? Put that person's initial by the item. More than one initial usually is beside each one. Once it's done, go through the list and make a new one, only including the items that have either MY initial or GOD beside it. I found my list substantially smaller. Things I thought I needed to change about myself, I realized that that was because SOMEONE else thought I should, not from me and not from God. I'm still not done, but it's giving me a new perspective on myself. From my future (?) plans, to what I'm doing now, to what I thought I needed to change or keep about my personality. I keep adding items to the list and then realistically deciding who would approve of this action. <BR>It's starting to keep me more focused on what's real and what's not.<P>Anyway - that's the only suggestion I've got. I think you're pretty good like you are, but, like we said before, we are ALL works in progress. Glad to hear from you today, Cheryl. I'm here.<P>Lori

Thanks for the advice. This will be a long road, but I know I will make it. We ALL will. Regardless if my marriage is saved in the 11th hour or not, I have to be proud of the person that I am.<BR>Chicks- You are absolutly right about getting rid the the bad and concentrate of the good. I think the more I think of my good qualities (I do have some) the easy it will be to let the bad ones go.<P>Lori- I'm here. Yes, I am tired. Yesterday was horrible. I couldn't sleep last night (go figure)<BR>I like the idea of writing down who and why you are influenced. I will need to do some serious soul searching. I don't want to fall back into my behaviors that got me here in the first place.<P>Cheryl

Hi CeeCee -<P>I've been watching you to see how you are coming along......don't think that I have forgotten you!!<P>I can help you with this part because I asked myself the same things.<P>You know what you have to start with?<P>Learning..........<P>What I did was sit down and being COMPLETELY HONEST wrote myself two lists. <P>The first was all the things I didn't like about my life and myself.<BR>I used things that I knew to be fact - like I procrastinate sometimes, and things that I thought I might like to improve - like how to help people.<BR>Other things I went on with instinct because I wasn't sure - like things in the marriage that Might have been better handled by me.<P>The second list was things that I liked about my life and myself. This one wasn't so hard - it was (to be honest) shorter than the first. Probably because of the state of mind with all this mess.<P>Then I looked at these lists and determined that the best starting place was knowledge. One of my "not likes" was that I didn't communicate effectively enough with H. So that's when I started researching and learning. That Included this site, books, communication sites, etc. <P>And you know - I really have to say that my thinking was correct as far as my marriage - it was just that I didn't know the correct way to pattern those thoughts and express my meaning in the proper way for the recipient's (H's) mindset. I couldn't get through on a lot of things because of the way I said what needed to be said. Once you learn to do this right, a lot of things - not just with H - but in general conversation with people gets so much easier.<P>Anyway, my point is that when people say concentrate on you and what you need. It is not only what you want to do or buy or enjoy. It is take this time to look at yourself and see what you need to become the person you want to be.<P>I am not you, so can't say where you should start. Perhaps these lists would be beneficial to you. I can say from just what you've communicated here about your situation, that perhaps you would benefit from a greater understanding of the specifics of your background and personality. Figure out your actions and reactions with H and the whole "aura" of the marriage and what might have been a better approach at certain times.<P>The reason I say to delve into thinking about the marriage instead of just yourself is that I believe in order to move past this point effectively, we have to understand what took place. I don't think that I could be very productive in a relationship again (with or without H) if I am confused, hurt, leery and angry about what I have just been through. <P>We must be able to see things from every angle - just have a better understanding of what to watch out for, do differently and communicate in a more effective manner.<P>Does this help you or am I just rambling? <P>One other side benefit from what I've suggested is that it helps with the healing process. <P>I hope I have conveyed this well, if you want to try this approach and need help with anything - just call for me cuz I'm here (that's for sure!!!)<P>Take care of yourself and the little one. Do what you can handle - when you can handle it.<P>Things will fall into place and time will help the healing also. It will also lift the fog!!!<P>BIG HUG and Strength to you,<P>Sheba

ceecee,<BR>Don't beat yourself up girl, people do change but to change for someone else is silly and a waste of energy. Your H has not changed he just has had someone near him who has eroded your relationship over a period of time. <BR>I suggest you change things about you that you would like to for you. I am going ot get my pilots license, work out like nobody's business and if I come into any money what so ever I am going to buy a Harley "Fat Boy". But more meaningful stuff, I am going to start laughing again. I am going to find Mike and bring him back. I am going to become confident in myself and most of all I am going to learn about God and what he wants me to learn from all this misery.<BR>Please look at yourself. Look beyond all those assinine things that your H tried to pile on you. You are someone special and no-one has to take that stuff. Take care you.... boy I have been on more soapboxes today.... but what the heck it's fun<BR>Michael

Sheba- As per usual, you are the voice of reason. I need to discover me, making lists is the way to go.<BR>You are also right in my approach to marriage in general. What do I want? What do I expect? What do I contribute? <BR>Thanks for your wisdom, Sheba. I know you didn't 'leave' me-LOL<P>mkn- I just read your profile. I live in NE too. You must not ski HERE (plenty of snow but nothing to go down ). I like that idea of a HOG. I think that I would like one too. I'd strap my wee one on and off we'd go......<BR>Thanks for the encouragment.<P>Cheryl

Cee Cee<BR>After all of this time almost a year now since I learned about H's affair I am finally coming to realize now that it's not only what is important him but what's important to me.I am a person with thoughts, feelings and emotions and when I stopped worrying all the time about how he felt and what he thought I got a better grip on what was really going on. My marriage vows meant so much to me and I did all that I could to show him how much he was loved and respected but after 8 months how much can one person take? <BR>When I realized at first that he was unwilling to give up OW I did what I could to show him that I was the one that was always going to be there for him, to take care of him and his feelings, Caught him in several more lies each time it got easier to emotionally divorce myself from him. Last time OW called the house and hung up, decided that I was worth more than that. No anger just told him he didn't have to explain anything to me and at that point I took off my ring and for me that was all I needed to let myself stop caring so much about him and start caring about myself. My ring meant commitment and love but that only works if there are two people who want to work at the same thing.I realized that I'm not responsible for how he feels(having a bad day, withdrawals, whatever) He's the one that left the marriage when he decided to sleep with OW not me. I let him know that I definetely love him, and would give him more caring and love than he could ever hope for but I wasn't going to be a slave to his emotions anymore. I will tell you that it has made a difference in our marriage. Maybe he realized that I wasn't going to sit around waiting for him to decide if he wanted me. I was going to decide if I wanted him. I find that he comes around me alot more now that he's not quite sure about me. I would never do anything to jeopardize what I have with H so don't get me wrong, but I am a good woman who is young and intelligent and fairly attractive and I am worthy of being loved. Remember that you are too. <P>I'm finally at a place where I am thinking more with my head and being careful of what I say before I say it. I don't know if it will ever get easier as I still get pictures in my head at times, but I'm not going to lose me anymore. I do believe also that he has stopped seeing OW but in the end it didn't matter because I became to myself. None of us will ever be the same again but I look at it as I found myself and that was truly important. Weve been changed forever but we can sit back and let it happen or we can embrace this struggle as a journey to find out who we are and we are pretty important.God Bless and Take Care CeeCee

Cherub- You are exactly where I want to be. As painful as this whole thing has been, I have always been the kind of person to find that silver lining. Sometimes it is not easy and it takes much longer than we hope, but it is always there.<P>I have started my list (just some things off the top of my head-need to delve into those hidden ones later)<BR>1. Do something to pamper myself everyday (even if that means I have to give myself a foot rub! )<BR>2. Listen, not just hear.<BR>3. Cry less and laugh more.<BR>4. Pick up pennies on the street.<P>Just a few, but I think I'm on the right track.<P>My H may think that what he is doing is the right thing. Maybe he is, I don't know. I do know that I will not sweat the small stuff and that what happens in my life is because the Lord wants it to.<P>God Bless,<BR>Cheryl

The lists idea hit me as a good one.....I'm going to try it. You see, I too am trying to re-learn who I am. I think when major life crisis hits (any life altering change) we mortals tend to lose ourselves. This is what I did. I became so focused on my H, and my kids I forgot ME.....<BR>Now please understand that I do not condone forgetting THEM, in order to find ME. and this is why I've had such trouble regain my sense of self....<BR>But two lists, one of the "things" about me I'm not happy with and one of the "things" about me (or even my potential) I think will help me greatly......probably will work for alot of us, no matter what we've faced.<BR>Being finally on my feet, but still shaky, I think I'll start with the little things, like I'm good with children and animals.....because I think that when a child or an animal warms up to you, it's because they sense the goodness in you...weird? yeh! <BR>Focusing our LOVE on our families and our ENERGY on ourselves........

Hi CeeCee. I was hoping to hear from you. I understand what you are going through. I have been (actually I'm still there). I am a Navy brat. We moved alot as a child, so I was always the new kid. I was very shy, and did not make friends quickly. I also have HADD. So I had problems learning. I grew up feeling stupid, ugly and that I could do nothing right. Those feelings became my reality. No matter what anyone said to me, I only believed that I was unworthy of a complement, I was stupid and ugly. Then one day at work, I got a new employee, I'll call her the devil. She spent two years verbally and emotionaly beating me down. Because she worked for me (I'm civil service, so to get her fired takes an act of congress) there was so much I could do. I became severly depressed, but I did not know that is what was wrong with me. I bacame very ugly to my family. I would push my husband and child away. I did this for two years. I finally went to the dr. and found out I was clinicly depressed and began taking meds for my depression and I also bagan seeing a therapist. I am still taking my meds. and seeing my therapist. I found out May of 1999. One of the assignments my therapist gave me was to ask my friends to write down what they liked about me. It was very weird to ask this of them and very hard to read. But you know what, they all wrote about the same things, which showed me what my good traits really are. I started working from there. Seeing my dr. and seeing the therapist has been the best thing I have done for myself. My H moved out a month ago, but everytime I see him he tells me that I am not the same person he married. I tell him I agree, I am a better version of that person. Give yourself time to moarn the loss, and then start to work on you. You can change, I am proof of that. <P>------------------<BR>To Thine Own Self Be True<BR>A.K.A.<BR>PondVJ<BR>

cee cee:<BR>I'm glad that you read my post, and I'm sorry if it sounded as if were so easy as it is not easy when you love someone. I guess what made it easier for me was the fact that he was still living in the house. I had to go through all of the pain and grieving so that I could see things that were going on. I really did give it everything I had for a long time. After a while it just starts to change you. The lies, the excuses and what ever else. <BR>One thing that did help was that I had a chance to see the OW. She wasn't just a ghost. Although it was hard I'm glad that I did. I never confronted her, I have more grace and dignity than that and I figured that eventually she might hang herself in the end anyways.I know that it probably drove her crazy and to me it's what she deserves as she had been through the same thing with her own H. You know what they say about every thing coming full cycle and I do believe that is true. How could she possibly think any good could ever come from what she was doing? I loved him enough to let him go and find out but if she had truly loved him as much as her letters professed than why wasn't she willing to let him go and find out if his marriage was worth saving? <BR>You are stronger than you know cee cee and all you need to do is start little and move on to bigger things. Believe me, your H will stand up and take notice. It is really okay to go through all of the stages and you have to, to really be okay. You have had probably one of the biggest hurts of your life and it takes alot of time to heal that wound. It will happen and I hope you will keep posting so that I can see all the wonderful things that are in store for you because there will be. Once you find yourself you will never ever be the same and that's a good thing. Remember that in the end you will have no regrets because you were always there and you gave it everything you had-in the end that alone will make it a little better in time. Hang in there-I'm rooting for you!!!!

Hi Ceecee<P>Good thread because it is so important to fully understand yourself before trying to understand others. In crises like infidelity we really lose our self worth both betrayed and betrayers.<P>One thing I did was I took control of my life. Try to fully understand what you have directly control over, this can be your looks, your attitude and daily routine. Work on what you have control over and make yourself a better person. Attitude seems to be the easiest and best thing to work on. Everything else seems to fall in place after a positive attitude adjustment. Appreatiate everything you love and your time in this world helps keep a positive attitude. Once you have complete control of what you have direct access to then you can venture off and manipulate your environment. This can include your job, your home, your spouse and kids. When I say manipulate what I mean is because you now know yourself, then you know what you want and you can communicate these wants/needs to other who have an effect on you. If you are a great person (because thats what you are now) then for some reason people start to do things for/with you. All of a sudden you have people working with you instead of against you.<P>Good Luck<BR>_____________________________________________<BR>"Better to die on my feet than live on my knees"

Thank you for all your replies.<BR>This is very encourageing to me, since I have not been able to concentrate on anything but get my H to come back home.<BR>I am now learning that I CANT make him come home, but that I can get myself back together.<BR>Today at work, I was nominated to be the lead of a new group, called 'Healthy Lifestyles'. This is a new group that my company has implemented to encourage employees to take care of themselve. It involves eating habits, excerise, spirtuality, being happy with who you are. So, I will be busy trying to come up with healthy behaviors. This couldn't have happened at a better time.<BR>FYI, it takes 21 times in a row to start a new habit (but only 3 times of old behavior to get the old habit back!). <BR>I am writing down what I need to change and make a consciece effort to change. <BR>My h may never come home, but, I will be a better person anyway.<BR>Thanks for all your support. I love you all!!!<P>Cheryl