Background:
My husband and I have 4 young children last summer while I was pregnant he subscribed to a dating service and had an affair with a woman. I left him and hurt him by revealing alot of personal ugly things about him to friends and the ow while I was in distress and by taking the children out of state. I returned after 3 months and we have been going to counseling which has not been that helpful. He is very busy working on PhD, teaching where doesn't feel fulfilled because he is qualified for a higher level job, and closing the business he started. We have also been in terrible financial straits since last March. He claimed that last time the dating sevice internet stuff was because he was depressed. We have read Surviving Infidelity which gave me hope that we can make things work. We both have been so busy that we have not taken the time to put alot of the concepts to work yet.

Yesterday I discovered that he started subscribing to a sex/swinger site and was beginning to email another woman last week. I feel devastated and attacked him with that information. I am devastated. He claims that he wants to work things out. I feel sick it isn't quite like just meeting someone at work and thing just happen. He is seeking out someone else by advertising. I feel worthless. He says that it is just that his sex drive is higher and he was just looking at porn. That I am being too negative and judgemental even though the website clearly states that it is a personal ad site. He had created a new email address that he kept from me. I do not know what to do

He says that he apologizes for his mistake and will only access the internet from home and then this morning Isee that he must have accessed it at Kinkos on his way to work because the email addresses were erased. What do I do? This feels like last summer all over again.

masc,

Whoa, what a blow <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> We all dread a deja-vu experience.

Fortunately his destructive behavior seems to have been intercepted pretty early this time so should be somewhat easier to address. You make several pertinent points:

He claimed that last time the dating sevice internet stuff was because he was depressed.
You also say he is working on his PhD (must be stressful), working at a job he's overqualified for, closing his business, and having financial troubles. BIG RED FLAGS!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I think you two need to sit down and figure out what positive things he can focus on. This is mostly about HIM and his own self image but you can offer support and encouragement and get him started thinking about how he can turn this around. Look at the closing as newfound free time. Come up with a plan to address the financial problems.

I feel devastated and attacked him with that information.
While you certainly had every right in the world to be hurt and angry, you did not have the right to attack him. You seem to have a history of hurting him - you hurt him in the past by revealing a lot of personal ugly things about him to other people. I'd suggest you read about Love Busters and avoid love busting, starting NOW. This will require lots of vigilance on your part because when we engage in LBs we feel so justified. For me the toughest is disrespectful judgements - I feel like I'm just expressing my feelings, when in reality I'm making statements and assumptions I shouldn't be making.

We both have been so busy that we have not taken the time to put alot of the concepts to work yet.
Your marriage has to be top priority. It can't sit on a back burner. You know this.

His lies show he knows he's doing something wrong. If you can get him to agree to it, purchase Surviving An Affair and sit down and read it together. Answer all the questions, do all the questionnaires, everything. MAKE TIME FOR THIS. It is important.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, and keep posting.