kati and heroswife, thanks for the replies and the encouragment, it's always so good to hear from you.

i am going to splurge and get a couple pairs of pants and tops. i really shouldn't because of the money factor. i really need to watch my $ to save for getting a new place and for counseling w/SH. but the short of it is i do deserve it and i really just can't wear the clothes i have anymore. i've tried and even w/belts they are just hanging on me. i didn't bring a lot of clothes w/me because i thought my H would be joining me up here around this time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> so a lot of my clothes are still at our house in another state. i have a lot of cute clothes that i haven't been able to wear in a long time so that's still a good incentive for me for when i finally get all my stuff.

i'm still going out w/friends and will be visiting my parents this weekend and i have to put money aside for those things too. don't worry, i'm not starving myself. i still have over 20lbs to go before i even get near my IBW for my heights so i'm not going to melt away. as far as the gym thing, i'm still trying to go at my pace so that i will stick w/it because this will have to be a life long thing for me. once i get where i want i'll need to keep w/it to keep it off. once i lose some more weight i'm going to start going to more of the classes and will try and start to get more friendly w/other women at the gym. not that i'm not friendly already but you know what i mean.

I did the boot camp thing once FOR REAL! and that was enough for me. course that was almost 7 years ago but i digress...thanks again ladies for the encouragement. i sincerely hope things are going well in your situations and that the more i learn i can start giving back to those who have helped me out. prayers to you both.

RR, miss you a lot. Thank you for your prayer. It took me a while to catch up reading your thread. I am so proud of you for everything you did. Lose weight is a difficult task, but you can do it. Prayers for you.

still waiting for chris-CA123 to pop in here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

^

Rough -

Just thinking of you and hoping you are doing well.

Sending my prayers and {{{{hugs}}}}}.

right back at you heroswife {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}
doing okay, going to see my mom this weekend and a lot of the rest of my family. they live about 5.5 hrs away so i'll leave after work today and be back sunday night. my dad has the weekend off so hopefully he won't mind if i hog my mom all weekend. i just want to sit in her lap and have her hold me, i just want to sit next to her in church and rest my head on her shoulder, does that make sense? anyway, getting teary eyed so need to get going.

after work i won't have computer access until monday but wanted to say i hope things are going well w/you and hope that you have a blessed mother's day. i'm still hoping that someday i will be able to have one, as the mother of my H's children. love and prayers to you, RR

POP! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

you stinker!!!!!!!!!! you just made me laugh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> so does this mean you're going to pop back in and comment? you are such a hoot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

RR,

I hope you have a good time with your parents, especially your Mom this weekend. I started crying when you wrote that you just wanted to be with your Mom this weekend and have her hold you.

I've been so homesick lately. It's been almost 1.5 years since I have seen my parents and my brother. I miss them so much. I wish I could go home right now, but tickets cost over $1000.00 and I cannot afford that right now.

It's weird, but sometimes I really feel like the little girl again and I long for my Mom. I can totally understand what you are feeling and wanting.

Being here alone is one of the hardest things, even though I have lots of friends and great neighbors, but it's just not like family. I miss them so much.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by roughroad:
<strong> right back at you heroswife {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}
doing okay, going to see my mom this weekend and a lot of the rest of my family. they live about 5.5 hrs away so i'll leave after work today and be back sunday night. my dad has the weekend off so hopefully he won't mind if i hog my mom all weekend. i just want to sit in her lap and have her hold me, i just want to sit next to her in church and rest my head on her shoulder, does that make sense? anyway, getting teary eyed so need to get going.

after work i won't have computer access until monday but wanted to say i hope things are going well w/you and hope that you have a blessed mother's day. i'm still hoping that someday i will be able to have one, as the mother of my H's children. love and prayers to you, RR </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I'm around. I'm not ignoring you. Your training wheel are off and I'm just watching you ride down the street.
You're doing just fine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

You mentioned earlier, "i guess me and SH didn't really go into a lot about the OW's family."
This is not really too much of a concern (yet).
The main point of this type of counseling (Solution oriented, brief therapy-SOBT)is to get the marriage back on track.
It doesn't help to analyze the past if you don't really want to be with the your spouse right now.
It's something which could (and maybe should?) be looked at later when both people actually want to be around each other and are actually concerned with what the other is feeling/thinking.

kati, thank you, you started to make me cry w/what you said in regards to what i said <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> i' sorry you do not get to see your family very often especially your mom. up until last september i have been connected to the military in one way or another my whole life. so i was very used to not being around my family. but over the last few years i have developed a closer relationship w/my mom and my sister (it's just me and my sister for siblings) and even my dad. where i live now is the closest i have lived to my family since i lived at home, almost 11 years ago. the state where our house is and where my H is, is only 9 hours away from my parents but still not as close to where i am now.

wish i could collect a love offering for you to visit your family but i hope at least that you are able to communicate often and i'm sure if she could your mom would be here in an instant to give you a big hug in person.


Chris, thanks for the reply, that really means a lot to me what you have said and how you think i'm doing. of course it always makes sense and that's why i always seek your comments. i'll continue to keep you posted as well as everyone else here and hope that people will continue to stick w/my story. hope things are going well in your neck of the woods where ever that may be. thanks again for taking the time to post in the forums and prayers to you, especially from a fellow capricorn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

RR, just check on you and hope all is well. I know that you can not use computer at night. Hope to see you tomorrow or may be next week? Have a great weekend. prayers for you.

thanks lost, for thinking of me, i posted to you on your thread and hope today is a better day for you. i have my next session w/SH in the morning, will let you and everyone else know how it goes by posting it here. hugs and prayers to you, RR

<small>[ May 10, 2004, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

just had my 6th session w/SH this morning and will post it. i emailed one of the moderators to find out how to edit the title to this thread but until then............

gave SH an update as to what has transpired since our last session. told him about the contacts that i have initiated (SH wants me to do something every other day), i've left a couple of messages at our house, i've emailed him, we've had one conversation since my last session w/SH, i sent a card to MIL for mothers day, i sent a box of dog treats to the house and asked H to give some to the dogs, my mom has sent the letter she wrote to my H and he should have gotten by saturday.

told SH that our anniv. is next month, H's b-day is in july and what i had planned on doing. i thought i would probably send a card to H and call him for anniv. and say something along the lines of remembering what we were doing and the way we felt 11 years ago and that if i had to do it all over again i would and that i loved him. told SH i wasn't sure when i would see H again but wanted to go to our house some time next month but didn't want to be there the same time as my MIL. so maybe a trip the end of june beginning of july and also a trip in august. the trip to august is to get my household goods. my deadline is september if i want to have the military do it for free. the OW's 21st b-day is in august and it just so happens that i planned my trip around that time, wonder what will happen?

I told SH that i still wasn't sure how to act, whether it was as a friend, loving wife, i didn't want to come off as too eager or desparate. if my H asks how things are going or how work is, do i act like everything is fine? and SH said to say that i'm not doing too good but tomorrow is another day. the idea behind this is not to give my H a "get out of jail" card, so that he thinks everything is okay and just re-inforces the idea that it's okay for him to leave. IF my H asks why i'm not doing good then i just say "because i'm not w/my husband but like i said tomorrow is another day." then i'm supposed to change the subject and bring it back to him and say something like "so how are you liking you time off (from school)?"

I asked how to deal w/comments about meeting someone else, like from my MIL or from my H. SH said to say that "that's not in my plans especially while i'm married." we also discussed how to handle interactions w/IL's if and when they should happen and what i should say if they ask why i'm not giving H a D or why would i want to be w/someone who doesn't love me, etc. SH said to come from the standpoint that "I believe there is a way to work togehter to change the future even if he doesn't feel that way about me. the ideal situation is to be in love w/your W and that because of that i can't in good conscience end our M and walk away from something that can be better."

we discussed again how i deal w/statements from my H when he says that he gave me years to change, that he can't go back, and that he doesn't feel that way about me anymore. SH said i have to still continue w/my statements that "i'm truly sorry for that but that person doesn't exist anymore and i believe that there is a way for you to get those feelings back." if my H asks how then that is when i should refer him to talk to SH because i shouldn't get in a debate w/my H due to it making me seem unattractive. we also talked about how to approach the subject of my H taling to SH again (first & last was on 4/12/04).
SH said to make it a request from him to talk to him and have a follow-up. that if my H says no, then i just need to say that i'll let SH know. if my H asks why then i just need to say that SH would like to get more information and that he is still trying to get a better understanding of me and making sure i'm following through w/the changes that i've made.

If my H asks why i'm doing the things i'm doing or why i believe the way i do now, why after what has happened then i need to say "did SH talke to you about conditional love? I had a different belief system that centered around the fact that no matter what i did in our M that you would always be there, i'm not trying to justify my behavior only that i'm sorry but that part of be is gone. it's not about right or wrong but more about how we are wired and that feelings are conditional. If i expect you to feel about me a certain way then i need to give you a reason to feel that way. i need and can create the conditions to be in love w/me."

i told SH that i have several mindsets right now and one of them includes that i can last longer than the OW, meaning will she still be around after 2 years of me not giving my H a D? that i'm prepared (at least i think i am) to fight to the end. SH said that this OW is dating a MM and that he sees this as a character flaw and that R has a shelf-life. the OW may be nice, feels like she is rescuing my H, that she has found a soul mate, etc but the fact she is dating a MM says quite a bit and that she is missing a large part of what R's are all about. SH said that's why dragging your feet and time is important. that when there are kids or financial situations then dragging feet can only be done to a certain extent. but aside from those then dragging your feet can be very effective in the long haul.

SH said to avoid any type of "what" questions and to not make this a moral issue even if it may very well be that. i should focus on the fact that if i and/or we follow a plan then we can alter our current situation. but i still need to be extremely guarded w/my h and not expect him to care for me right now because he can't. my H is still operating on the fact that he can't see the future i do, so i have to continue to chip away at the walls so that he can eventually see the same picture i do. I shouldn't worry about that my H could entertain the idea of working on our M but for the fact he doesn't want the OW to be hurt, SH said that is where he comes in and that it doesn't serve me well to think about that.

i asked SH if there were any other books that i could read other than what i have and he said that love busters maybe a good one but he felt i pretty much knew the LB concept that "i realize i could have done things differently and those things made me unattractive." but that i'm continuing to change 1) my physical appearance 2)bad habits 3)getting rid of my previous existing belief system about M.

so that's about it, i'll probably schedule another session for myself in a couple of weeks and do a lot of praying about when to talk to my H about talking to SH again. thanks for reading and continued prayers to all.

RR sounds like SH plan is good to me and I like that your share, it gives alot of food for thought. Stay the course. It also sounds like your doing well and strong today. Prayers to you RR. Sorry for reminding you about the date.

RR, sounds a good session. I get similar advice from SH. But the father and son seem a little bit different. The advice I got from Dr. Harley is more strict. Sh told me to hold on, his father told me not to tolerate with WH's behavior. Who do I listen to?

RR -

Just read your latest update about your recent session with SH. I'm glad to hear you sound good. I'm sure your H notices this as well in your brief contact with him. I believe your strength and endurance will show him that you are willing to change and make the M work.

I pray for you daily.

Sending you encouragement and {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}.

lost, thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers and i send you the same. as for an answer to your question, i would listen to SH because i feel like this is more of where your at but i would also discuss what dr. harley says w/SH and how you don't know who to listen to. of course that goes a lot of what is said here as well. many people say things and you just have to gleam from them what you can, sometimes you take their advice and act upon it and sometimes you don't. also, in my opinion, i feel that you are able to go more w/SH because it's more of what God wants you to do. now you can take that for what you will and maybe i'm reflecting on my own situation a little but i almost feel that my H tolerated my behavior for so long and now i'm not necessarily tolerating his behavior but doing what i can to change myself, create an enviornment that he will want to come back to, and continue to pray that we will be able to rebuild a marriage that's pleasing to God.

heroswife, thanks again for your words of encouragment and for reading my long posts on my sessions, i know that's not easy sometimes and keeps me from reading posts at times. i can't help but feel excitement for you for this weekend and hope you don't mind if a live a little vicariously w/you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . tremendous strength and prayers to you.

RR, just thinking of you. Hope you have a good day.

I did some gardening today. It feels good.

RR, you are not in whole day. Miss you, hope you are doing fine.