I am having a low day!

small summary - found out about sa in November, I forgave him christmas time - not that I was okay with it, but I forgave him as a person...he asked me to renew our vows, we did on Valentines, and I keep having horrible sick feelings about this whole mess! Some days I just feel like saying, "See ya!"

He had this SA with a person from another state (a bar fling who he kept in email contact for 5 months), and he travels alot, however, I thought it was with this bimbo that he works with and travels with. Anyway, in December, they traveled together (tough week), and bimbos MIL (who also works with husband) thought (like me) that husband and bimbo were having A also. MIL told bimbos husband, he talked to her, bimbo talked to MY husband about the situation, and so my husband thought that he should let her know that he did have an affair and I (yes get this) I thought it was with bimbo. He told her that, and after 3 months, I still am sick to my stomach about the whole thing, and I hate to go to his office, and I just want to cry about the whole thing. He betrayed my trust, not only with the affair with the out of town bar *&#&#, but with telling this bimbo that I thought she was having an affair with my dh! Can you imagine how I feel???

Now, they are traveling together next week, and I am sick to my stomache about it, because "I will NEVER, EVER know if they slept together, and I am paranoid!!!"

So, that is why I am in a low! I am taking it out on everyone in my family, and I don't mean to! I just don't know what to do! He really has been trying hard to make things work, but I am still so upset about the SA and this bimbo situation!!! Like I said, I forgave him, but I don't trust him (that is hard).

Rainbow:

Girl. First things first. Your WH had an A. You must be allowed to grieve this, work through this, and deal with the whole thing. It was a CRAZY breach of honesty, the innocence and trust of your relationship, and dealt a MASSIVE, atomic sized blow to your M. PERIOD. Don't make excuses for not trusting him at this point, for the hurt, etc. I would strongly encourage you seek counseling for this so you have an expert to hash this out with (not just your family). It is so helpful to get that third party objective view of what is going on here, and family really can't give you that.

Secondly, have you figured out together what ENs you were not meeting for your H that was a catalyst to his TERRIBLE choice? If not, I would HIGHLY encourage you to take the Emotional Needs questionairres that are on the site, and get a pulse of what he needs, he can learn what you need, and you can both get busy with MEETING THOSE NEEDS.

Thirdly, I believe that even really, really, really healthy marriages need to do the work of affair-proofing their Marriages. I am pretty sure that constant overnight travel with bimbos if your spouse is not cool with that on a GOOD day would make the list of what not to do if you are trying to affair proof your M. And, you are not currently in a really health marriage. Your marriage is sick right now, thus the term RECOVERY. With that said, you may want to really invest some thought and energy into this traveling with bimbo thing.

If you read the MB principles, there are two things that Harley is really passionate about. That is the policy of joint agreement, and the policy of radical honesty. Well, your WH already broke cardinal marriage rule #2, and now he needs to help refoster the trust and healing in your marriage. And I think if a WH is hesitant about letting you do this (have access to e-mail, phone mail, etc., etc., etc.) that is a red flag. He broke the rule, he has to do what he must for awhile to rekindle that sense of security for you.

Which brings me to cardinal marriage rule #1. Policy of joint agreement. You do not like this whole travel with bimbo thing (probably would not like it if your WH had NOT committed the A). So, you two need to get busy negotiating terms on this that would work for both of you. Look for tips on negotiation on this site. Maybe it is a compromise about taking along another colleague that you trust. Maybe it is cutting back travel with Bimbo. Maybe it is not traveling with her at all. Maybe it is him switching jobs. I don't know.

Also, are you sure that H did not engage in relationship with B (bimbo)? It seems confusing to me. You think it, bimbos MIL thinks it, and it is just strange how they are like "Look, how funny, everyone thinks we are hooking up. Ha-Ha." Something about that is not jiving right.

Good luck. Find yourself. Heal yourself. Get lots of info from this site. And wait for the real experts to chime in (as I, am not)! :-)