2 months ago, my H read my diary containing my thoughts of another man. (A casual acquaintence of both of ours.) I've never taken actions to meet or be with this man, but H treats it like he caught me in bed with the OM. I've tried to explain that a diary is a way for me to eliminate my strange thoughts and that I never planned to start an affair with OM. Now I feel like my privacy has been violated and although I'm not proud of my thoughts, I really didn't do anything wrong. He won't let this go. Our marriage is not the best but now it is worse. Is it odd to have thoughts of another man?

hi julie,

good question. how do you feel about it?? i would think at the very least it is a bad sign, don't you think?? do you think it scares your H and that is why he is not letting it go?

I think this could be a great opportunity for you guys to look at what is going on in your marriage. what do you think?

Most people say it's normal to have fantasies about other people. I don't think that's necessarily so. I do notice good looking men, but I don't have "thoughts" about them. The only man I want to be with is the man I married.

Your privacy was violated, but I'm thinking he probably felt something was wrong and needed to find out. His reasons for being upset right now are bigger than yours imo.

Hi Julie,

I have to agree with the other's.This just might be YOUR wakeup call that something is very wrong within your marriage.I can certainly understand that you feel violated that H read your journal but perhaps it happened for a reason?

You are thinking about another man enough to put him into words and on paper so there is something there that needs addressing.Take this opportunity,before things really unravel,and talk to your husband about it.

I have noticed attractive men before but I have not had "thoughts" about them either.I guess it depends on what *you describe as "thoughts".If you find yourself thinking about that man repeatedly then do take it seriously.I don't agree either with the notion that it is ok to fantasize about other people although this may just be a personal view for each of us.I have been with my WH for almost 20 years and always thought of only him in a romantic,loving way(before A) so I think in a healthy relationship,there isn't a need to be thinking of other's.JMHO.

O

I have had 'crushes' on other men and only I knew.
(I would not have even considered letting the other man know!)

It makes for some pleasant thoughts to pretend (just pretend) what it would be like to be held and kissed by this other man!

I think it is normal for some of us.
Not normal for others.

I would NOT have written it down though, just kept the secret thoughts in a special room in my mind!

Sincerely, Julie

Thank you for your replies. How do I feel about having my diary read? Disappointed. I understand that marriage is unity but I think that people do need some privacy. If I had to choose between writing my thoughts down in a book or keeping them all bottled up inside, I feel like I made the right choice.

Oh how I wish that I could say that I've never had romantic thoughts about another man. Deep in my heart I know that no matter if I'm unsatisfied or upset with my husband, I won't jump in the arms of another man.

I am so glad that I stumbled accross this website. I've found many useful ideas and intend to utilize them.

Thanks again for your responses.
Julie

I have a different twist on marriage privacy:

The only privacy you get in a good marriage is that which your spouse decides to grant you because they love and trust you.

I'm very much a believer in "one flesh" and I don't think there is any place for selfish independence in a relationship. I see this crop up most often in finances, but your diary is a good example as well.

I don't get much privacy these days because I abused it. I understand that and I'm ok with it.

Anyway, it sounds like your marriage issues run alot deeper than a disagreement about privacy.

I just don't think you have any right to claim your H 'invaded your privacy' because I think you only get what he's willing to give you anyway.

Low

Low

Interesting take on my situation. I am a human being after all and have many rights (not given to me by my husband.)


Julie

Ok so where is this whole issue going...and where does it leave you...and where do you want to go from here....


you and your husband can lock horns in a power struggle over the reading of the diary vs the energy you put in to thought over a man other than your husband....and nothings getting better or solved...

Can you see his pain
can you see his fear of losing you...
or is all you can see is that he read your diary...

Our marriage is not the best but now it is worse.

so what are the real issues in your marriage...
what are you doing to contribute to the "not the best marriage"...
what can you change or do to fix what you can.

YOu two can really get stuck in this one issue and never address the real issues...

and here is the answer to your question...
I think that it is unavoidable that people run through our brains or past our vision that are attractive to us.....
it's a mix of human nature, and neuron and electron wiring...

BUT
when we actively give energy and thought to these originally fleeting thoughts..then it is no longer just a natural thing...but it is somewhat of a betrayal on our spouses...
NOT in line with an EMA...but perhaps the beginning of one...

thinking that the UPS guy that delivers to an office every day...looks mighty fine in those shorts....becomes a whole new ball-game when we take those thoughts home with us and begin to write about them in a diary....it is ESPECIALLY an red flag when we say "my marriage is not the best"...

because when your marriage is the "best"...there's no need to write about the UPS guy in a diary....

and energy and emotion spent thinking and writing about the aquantance...is energy and emotion taken from fixing the marriage...and keeps it from being the best....

your actions hurt your husband...
if you can't see or feel his pain...then you got big problems...because team members realize that they can and do hurt eachother...and they feel remorse.....

if you are attempting to turn this all back on him for looking in your diary in the first place...you are not listening to him...and he's probably not listening to you as well..+

ark

It is so sad that you have had thoughts of another man. How would you feel if it were the other way around and you would have found that your husband was thinking about another woman? He is probably wondering and he has every right to be suspicious. You need to examine yourself introspectively and determine why you allowed those thoughts. Some say that many people, if given the opportunity, will be unfaithful by acting on their fantasies. My advice, be honest to your husband and make every effort possible to understand his point of view and his feelings. Consider counseling before anything happens.

I did feel bad about these thoughts, and had a hard time dealing with them. Writing helps in many ways (maybe that's why everyone writes here) and I have used writing to help with my emotions and feelings for years.


I don't mean to put the blame on anyone but me, I just hate that it hurts him and after 2 months, it keeps coming up any time. I realized how much my diary entry hurt him. We agreed to put this behind us and work at making things good.

How would I feel if my husband fantacises about another woman? I think most men do just that. It's human nature.

We work every day to make the "not the best marriage" better. By coming in this forum, I am trying to learn different ways to do just that.

Julie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Interesting take on my situation. I am a human being after all and have many rights (not given to me by my husband.)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lest you misunderstand my point, it IS a two way street.

Yes, you are a human being who voluntarily chose to merge her life with another person.

There are things about you that are uniquely you and always will be. Same for him.

The basic human rights of which you speak are the most basic...the right to personal safety, freedom of expression, etc, etc. But I think in marriage, you take some responsibility for protecting the rights of your partner as well.

I comes down to POJA...why do you need these rights and priviledges and how can we meet them in a way that works for both of you.

Any human being should have the right to come and go, to associate freely. But you choose to give some of that up in marriage. You consider the other's wishes. You voluntarily subject yourself to their desires.

To say 'I do' while maintaining separate lives strikes me as more of a contractual agreement than a marriage.

Having separate lives is completely different from being your own person. You can easily have personal sovereignty while being an open book to your spouse.

Low

Low

Thank you for restating your point. I can relate to your beliefs and agree that this is something I am trying to achieve.

Julie

<small>[ March 31, 2004, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: JuliePoolie ]</small>

Julie, your husband should be able to trust you completely. It is hard to have a relationship when there is no trust. I am glad you agreed to put it behind. To answer your question, not all men fantasize about other women. If you love someone, that person is always in your mind and in your heart. Why would anyone fantasize about somebody else when one is happy with the person who God put in your life. I think fantasizing is a sign of incomformity or unmet needs and is a prelude to emotions that may be innocent at first, but may grow unnoticed. If you want to fantasize, do it with your partner and both share in that fantasy, but do it in a healthy way. Best wishes to you both.