Dewt,

Patient Love wrote to you the following thing </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think she knows what yours are... I know she had struggled for years trying to figure out how to meet your need to be desired even when she didn't desire you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read this, and I read the rest of the posts, and then I think, and I reread this. I am not a marriage at any cost person. I have a strong belief in marriage and think it ought to be fought for, IF there is a chance.

Then I reread this quote, and I remember her posts here, and your posts here, and I must respectfully take a different tactic than the rest of the posters here.

I really respect the power of "radical honesty" and the POJA. But, I feel that "radical honesty" first must apply to oneself. I believe your failings recently are because you have not sat and applied "radical honesty" to yourself. You have not prayed on it, with your new found beliefs.

So I will ask you a very direct and honest question. Your W has cheated on you, intentionally hurt you, abandoned your family, and worse she could NOT </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> figure out how to meet your need to be desired even when she didn't desire you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would you want to be married to a woman like that? It is clear the word LOVE has not been applied in your marriage either as a verb or even a misguided feeling in some time.

You two even supported each others drug habits.

So I think it is time YOU looked deeply in your heart AND your mind and become "radically honest" with yourself. Then I would strongly recommend you pray on this for sometime. Your W will not do these things and it is hurting her, so she hurts you. When is it going to stop?? That is what I am asking.

Why continue this foolishness if you believe what Patient Love has said is true?

You cannot begin to fix this mess until you are "radically honest" with yourself. Dylan, has posted here to blow you out of the water, because I am sure she felt you were getting too much sympathy. She is a jealous woman these days, and apparently a mean one as well.

Unless either or both of you STOP and become "radically honest" neither of you will ever find happiness.

Start with that. Until you do, the plans mean nothing.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

I think you may have misunderstood what I meant in my post. I have spoken with Dylan a lot in the past, and although I am not fully aware of where she is "at" right now, I was refering to her desire to desire her husband even when she didn't.
She shared with me how much she loved Dewt and how important their marriage was to her and yet she didn't feel the "passion" that she knew she would need to desire her husband the way that he craved. It was not out of cruelty or hardheartedness that she didn't desire him.
What I was trying to point out to Dewt was that perhaps it may have been his failure to meet her needs that made it almost impossible for her to desire him - and yet she tried and yearned for it.
Don't get me wrong. I am not blaming Dewt for Dylan's affair ... not in the least bit, what I was trying to do was get Dewt to look at himself and maybe see how he could work on meeting those needs and then perhaps Dylan's desire for him would be a natural occurance.

Yes, you are right JL. I think that both Dewt and Dylan need to take a look at themselves and each other and become radically honest. That is a good place to begin and work from there.

Anyway, I just wanted to share with you what my intentions were with that statement.

JL,

This is very much the reasoning that had me deciding to date and move on. Your post has me shaking with a fear that nags at me pretty much most of the time. I'm working on conquering that fear, so I will tackle this rather head on, as best I can with my current mindset.

I read this, and I read the rest of the posts, and then I think, and I reread this. I am not a marriage at any cost person. I have a strong belief in marriage and think it ought to be fought for, IF there is a chance.

I'm not a marriage at any cost person either. If Dylan came to me and said, "After being apart from you and thinking about this very carefully, dewt, I definately do not want to be married to you." I would probably abandon all hope and walk away secure in the belief that I did every thing I could to fix things. Until that happens, or I fight for so long that my own desire to fix all this dies a natural death, I will stand strong and firm in my devotion and love for her and fight to save this family.

I really respect the power of "radical honesty" and the POJA. But, I feel that "radical honesty" first must apply to oneself. I believe your failings recently are because you have not sat and applied "radical honesty" to yourself. You have not prayed on it, with your new found beliefs.

One can only be honest with the information and interpretation one has... but go on...

So I will ask you a very direct and honest question. Your W has cheated on you, intentionally hurt you, abandoned your family, and worse she could NOT
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
figure out how to meet your need to be desired even when she didn't desire you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why would you want to be married to a woman like that? It is clear the word LOVE has not been applied in your marriage either as a verb or even a misguided feeling in some time.

I do not want to be married to a woman like that. Been there, done that and look where it's got me. It's been horrible, lonely, frustrating, dissapointing and generally lousy.

You two even supported each others drug habits.

Yes, well... yes. Big part of the problem, there.

So I think it is time YOU looked deeply in your heart AND your mind and become "radically honest" with yourself. Then I would strongly recommend you pray on this for sometime. Your W will not do these things and it is hurting her, so she hurts you. When is it going to stop?? That is what I am asking.

Very good question.

Why continue this foolishness if you believe what Patient Love has said is true?

Another good question. I'll answer in a second...

You cannot begin to fix this mess until you are "radically honest" with yourself. Dylan, has posted here to blow you out of the water, because I am sure she felt you were getting too much sympathy. She is a jealous woman these days, and apparently a mean one as well.

You forgot heartless and cruel.

Unless either or both of you STOP and become "radically honest" neither of you will ever find happiness.

Start with that. Until you do, the plans mean nothing.

Alright. What a great post. Nails hittem bang on the head.

It stops now. Now being a general term, specific to a period of time rather than a moment. Our marriage, though full of love and caring, was not a healthy environment. Our drug addiction (marijuana) created an environment where every thing was always slipping. We had great communication but nothing EVER came of it because we just never got around to it. People think pot isn't such a bad drug because it's considered 'light' and 'natural', but I'm telling you that when it's a lifestyle thing, it can have far reaching and slowly devastating results. The place never gets cleaned up because you never get around to it. The bills don't get paid because you never get around to it. The EN questionaires don't get filled out because you never get around to it, or if you do, you never get around to acting on your newfound knowledge. It's a pretty viscous circle because it's slow and if you get too stressed out, you can always smoke a joint and have a rambling conversation about everything and nothing. Or watch a movie.

The drug abuse isn't the only issue. But I believe it's a core one because it spawned so many others.

Since leaving Dylan, I've lived a clean life. I'm in a small town where I don't know any of the dealers and since I'm home with my son every night I haven't been in any situations where I am exposed to it. If I get a craving, there's nothing I can do about it. It's not like I haven't smoked at all since I got here. There have been a few occaisions but I found that I got an ill feeling rather than the familiar numbness and the next day I felt slow and out of synch. It has very quickly lost it's appeal, though I still get the odd urge.

Anyway, as a result of NOT smoking dope, I find that I no longer procrastinate the way I used to. I pay my bills on time. My appartment is spotless most of the time. My laundry and daily chores get accomplished and when I put together a 'to-do' list, one by one, items get checked off and before you know it, I'm done. My quality of life has shot through the roof and in a lot of ways I'm finding happiness and peace that has thus far in my life escaped me completely. I'm also finding that not spending the money on it leaves me with a surplus at the end of each week and I preform better at work which netted me a big fat raise after only 3 weeks at my new job.

That's another thing. I'm now making more money than any other hourly wage job I've ever had and I have a budget that actually works.

As my life here comes together, it's providing me with insight as to why my old life (icluding my marriage) didn't work.

As a drug addict, what kind of husband was I? To be sure my time here at MB taught me to be a devoted husband emotionally. But our lives together were a constant stuggle. Always there was a stress looming... always a situation that had no resolution. Is that the kind of environment that can foster love and caring and emotional growth together? I think not.

Please excuse that this rambles a bit. These are thoughts that have been swimming through my head for some time and now they all want to come out at once. The point is, I can hardly blame Dylan for wanting out of that situation.

The problem is, she loves me. She loves her son. She could never make a concious decision to leave me. But deep inside her, she wanted to escape from the hopelessness of our lives together. Deep inside, she held me at least partly responsible for our perpetual no-win situation. (as well she should)

I believe her affair was designed, by her inner self, to blow the whole thing up. The pain she inflicted on me was so precise, and attuned to my deepest insecurities, and when I reread the journal I kept through the whole thing, I can see how it increased incrimentally and strategically. If it hadn't have been so perfectly excecuted, I'd have thought she was doing it on purpose.

Anyway, it had the desired effect. Sort of... I left, but I still wanted her back. So her tactics changed. She couldn't do the same things to drive me away, so she found new things. Very effective things, considering the situation and my sore spots.

As for blowing me out of the water, she felt jilted and she doesn't want to accept responsibility for the marriage ultimately failing. It's important to her that I be the one to 'end it' in a permanent way. I was coming off as too clean and pure so she had to turn things around. You notice she hasn't been back since? I'd bet anything she's been lurking. I hope so, because I'd want her to read all of the above.

I agree it has to STOP. I'm taking radical steps to turn my life around. My sincerest hope is that she will see that, realize that she was right in throwing a big wrench into the gears of our life together, because someone had to. I'd have prefered a different sort of approach, but I bet so would she. I hope she would agree that love could never grow or flourish in the type of life that we led together but that it just might if our life together was a positive and progressive one.

I know she loves me as I love her. I just hope it's enough to bring her around.

It has stopped. It still is stopping. It will continue to stop until I'm on track for the kind of life I want to be living. The kind of life my son deserves to have as his environment. The kind of life that she would be happy and honoured to be a part of. If she chooses not to be, well, I'll deal with that when the time comes, but by then I might be more able to deal with it.

So that's why I'm still here. Maybe I'm deluded. Maybe there has been just to much pain, to much struggle, to many failures to recover from. I suppose that is possible, and I have to accept that as a risk I'm willing to take.

I already tried to move on and found that I wasn't ready. I also found that Dylan wasn't ready either. If really and truly she wanted it to be over, she could have just let me continue to date Mary. She could have encouraged me, even. But she didn't. She threw a big wrench in that one too. So what if it was mean and jealous. Better that than uncaring... in the greater scheme of things.

That is the state of my radical honesty at this moment.

God's lessons to me have been largely about grace. Over and over, he's thrown parallels and coincidences at me and they all point at preparing me to accept her back with an open heart, no matter how mean, cruel or heartless she has been.

I'm putting my faith in Him, and in my love for Dylan, and in her love for me. And because of that, I'm here, willing to do whatever (because I don't know yet) I need to do.

My failings occured because I lost faith. And without faith, all this is indeed insanely foolish. By all that is reasonable or logical, I hould have left her and gone straight to a lawyer. My failings occured because I thought I could not bear the pain of the loss any longer. I was wrong. I don't know how long I can go through this, but I know I'm not done yet.

Did I even answer your questions? I really need you to challenge me here, because I believe true faith can stand up to challenge and if I'm decieving myself I would want to know sooner rather than later.

dewt

Oh yeah, and the 'plan B' right now is entirely for me. I need the distance to keep my love and devotion to this ideal intact. She's still playing the 'drive dewt away game' and I'm still taking the bait. That had to stop. Hardly an ideal situation, but until a better one comes up, it's the best I've got.

dewt

Thanks Nicole,

I agree with you. It's time to address the core issues and act on them. That's what my previous post is about...

dewt

Dewt,

Ok here is the challenge. If you are radically honest and you feel love for Dylan, then why bring another person into this? You know the pain, you know the problems.

The real challenge to "radical honesty" is to know when to continue and when to quit. If you feel Dylan is continuing to try and hurt you and sabatoge (sp) your relationship with Mary so that YOU will divorce her, then you need to face the hard fact that she does NOT want to be married to you but is too gutless to do the dirty work. Short, you are wrong she does NOT love you.

If you beleive she does love you, then your explanation of her behavior has a few holes in it.

I think you are starting to get honest, and apparently acting on it with regard to your personal life. The hard question to ask is the life you really want to lead, a life Dylan would want? If you feel that drugs don't help, why do them at all?

Dewt, I see much progress, but I think you are still not as "radically honest" about your relationship and Dylans stated feelings about you as you need to be. You want to see the best, and that is admirable. I am not encouraging to see the worst. I am encouraging you to see what IS. Only then can you be "radically honest" with yourself.

You are right until you have Dylan out of your system you have no business in another relationship, and how will you know you have her out of your system? When you file for divorce and GET the divorce. Or she does. I am being "radically honest" with you. As long as you are married, then there is no room for dating, or other people in your life. You will never make the hard decisions to stay OR go, if you are constantly cutting corners with regard to who is in your life.

It was not good when you had your affair. It was not good to bring Mary into this. You cannot be a little married, you are or you are not. If you feel a strong need to date and meet new women, divorce Dylan. She should have done the same for and to you.

You are still "barginning" with this marriage concept, just as you are still "barginning" with the drugs. This is black and white stuff, you are either married or not, you are either clean or you are not. That is "radical honesty".

So you are right you are being challenged severely actually. But, you are the one challenging yourself, because you are still trying to "bargin", when you need to get really "honest" with yourself as to your goals, your marriage, your life, and then head in that direction. It may come to pass that you will need to become "radically honest" and change those directions, but do it with a plan, a thought out goal, and the realization that while you may want something, you may not get it.

I am being hard on you, but the point is you need to be even harder on yourself with regard to the "reality" of this situation and the choices that face you. Commit to a good life. Commit to be the best father, the best human you can be, and don't deviate from it even if it means leaving Dylan behind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

PL,

I understood what you meant, but the reality was she could not desire him and still does not. And apparently that is a big need for him. So given that she cannot meet HIS needs and has not from apparently before his A, I think it is time for him to become really "radically honest" with himself.

I realize that the saying goes that </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">marrige is made in heaven and lived in Pittsburgh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But it should not mean that he doesn't get his major needs met either. And there is a substantial question as to whether or not he could possibly meet her needs well enough to make her desire him.

This is a long standing mess as you well know and while Dewt seems to be getting his life together in many ways, it is not clear the Dylan is.

It seems she has done her best to drive him away. Now I realize we only have his word for this, but Dylan's short post was only to blow him out of the water, not to suggest that she had gotten her's together.

See what I mean?

I think it is time for radical honesty and people to decide to fish or cut bait. But, that is my opinion.

God Bless,

JL

Ah-ha... a challenge. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ok here is the challenge. If you are radically honest and you feel love for Dylan, then why bring another person into this? You know the pain, you know the problems.

Because I made a mistake. I was wrong. No justifications, no excuses.

The real challenge to "radical honesty" is to know when to continue and when to quit. If you feel Dylan is continuing to try and hurt you and sabatoge (sp) your relationship with Mary so that YOU will divorce her, then you need to face the hard fact that she does NOT want to be married to you but is too gutless to do the dirty work. Short, you are wrong she does NOT love you.

You may be right. I have no way of really knowing... not yet. But, I still have a choice to make, don't I? Remain true and wait and see, or move on. I choose to give Dylan and I the best chance I can.

If you beleive she does love you, then your explanation of her behavior has a few holes in it.

There be more than a few holes there, matey... If I had total comprehension of her actions, and mine, then all this would be a whole lot simpler, either way.

I think you are starting to get honest, and apparently acting on it with regard to your personal life. The hard question to ask is the life you really want to lead, a life Dylan would want? If you feel that drugs don't help, why do them at all?

Drugs do worse than not help. They destroy. The same way alcohol destroys. As for the life I want to lead being compatible with a life Dylan would want to lead... well, that is a question she will have to answer. For my part, I certainly hope so.

Dewt, I see much progress, but I think you are still not as "radically honest" about your relationship and Dylans stated feelings about you as you need to be. You want to see the best, and that is admirable. I am not encouraging to see the worst. I am encouraging you to see what IS. Only then can you be "radically honest" with yourself.

I cannot argue with you on this. All I can say is that this is a process. One that I am in the middle of... All I can see is that which is within my perspective. Dylan knows about this site and obviously lurks, she knows my email and my phone number. She knows that if she really wanted to talk, my Plan B would probably drop out right out the window without a second thought or a moments hesitation.

You are right until you have Dylan out of your system you have no business in another relationship, and how will you know you have her out of your system? When you file for divorce and GET the divorce. Or she does. I am being "radically honest" with you.

At one point, we were apart for almost a decade. In that time, she never got out of my system. A 'divorce' would definately prompt me to start moving on though.

As long as you are married, then there is no room for dating, or other people in your life. You will never make the hard decisions to stay OR go, if you are constantly cutting corners with regard to who is in your life.

Hence the vows of celibacy that I've taken.

It was not good when you had your affair. It was not good to bring Mary into this. You cannot be a little married, you are or you are not. If you feel a strong need to date and meet new women, divorce Dylan. She should have done the same for and to you.

Agreed. Mary and I are no longer in contact. It is over. There will be no repeat of this sort of behaviour on my part, with her or anyone else for that matter.

You are still "barginning" with this marriage concept, just as you are still "barginning" with the drugs. This is black and white stuff, you are either married or not, you are either clean or you are not. That is "radical honesty".

Yes.

So you are right you are being challenged severely actually. But, you are the one challenging yourself, because you are still trying to "bargin", when you need to get really "honest" with yourself as to your goals, your marriage, your life, and then head in that direction.

I don't understand. Please clarify... I feel that I am getting honest with respect to all of the above.

It may come to pass that you will need to become "radically honest" and change those directions, but do it with a plan, a thought out goal, and the realization that while you may want something, you may not get it.

Though not enthusiastic about the concept, I am not pretending the possibility does not exist. I've kind of had that idea shoved down my throat... sideways.

I am being hard on you, but the point is you need to be even harder on yourself with regard to the "reality" of this situation and the choices that face you.

I asked you to challenge me. That is one of the reasons I come to this site and don't just call my best friend. I need and want all the help, sympathy, hardness, insight I can get.

Commit to a good life. Commit to be the best father, the best human you can be, and don't deviate from it even if it means leaving Dylan behind.

That is my plan.

God Bless,

Believe it or not, I really feel that He has...

dewt

Hi Dewt... my story is at ... no really, it's here! Most of it, anyway. There are other bits and pieces strewn around all over this site.

<small>[ April 03, 2004, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: Just J ]</small>

Dewt,

I said and you responded </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you are right you are being challenged severely actually. But, you are the one challenging yourself, because you are still trying to "bargin", when you need to get really "honest" with yourself as to your goals, your marriage, your life, and then head in that direction.

I don't understand. Please clarify... I feel that I am getting honest with respect to all of the above. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dewt, the "barginning" you have done, should I date, should I not date, should I allow myself to be tempted on those "rare" occasions when there is something around to smoke,or shouldn't I is what is hurting your "honesty". You are placing choices in your decision making that should NOT be there, hence you are challenging your own "honesty" and commitment.

Stop that. You know what marriage means and how you should function while married. Do it that way. IF you find that really want to date, see other women, then end the marriage and do that. Don't "bargin" on it. It challenges you too much. It challenges everyone too much.

I think you see that your conscience will NOT bother you IF you will act married when you are married. If you feel the strong need to act otherwise, then you must decide to end the marriage first. It is your call, but you can make "radical honesty" easier, if you will function in one state or another (married or not married).

Dylan is doing the same thing and look how happy she seems to be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Finally, I had a thought last night. I am afraid that it is not very positive, but I think in your radical honest approach it should be mentioned. You have sort of taken that since Dylan has not ignored you, but has actually been pretty mean to you, that means she must care deep down inside.

I have used this quote many times. It is by Eli Weismann (I hope I got the spelling right) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Given that you have used some of her hateful behaviors as indicating that she cares permit me to point out the obvious.

The opposite of love may be indifference, but that does NOT mean hate is in any form love. You cannot argue that Hitler hated the Jews, so that means he cared. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It means he hated them.

You could infer by some of Dylan's behavior that she is still jealous of you and any woman you might be with. But, that does NOT mean she loves you or cares. It might simply mean that she hates you enough to do her best to make your life miserable.

My point, her actions are a data point for you to consider. They do not dictate what you should do, but they should be properly evaluated. You can and apparently have decided to remain married to her, and show her that you love her when and if you get the chance. Fair enough, do that. But, then do the rest: act like you are married, make your life something you enjoy, by happy with yourself and your son, be a good father to him, and yes be celibate until you get together with Dylan or until you divorce.

If you are in for a penny you need to be in for a pound. That is the "radical honesty" I think we are both talking about. I know you are getting this, and I also know it is a lot easier to sit here and tell someone to do this or that, than it is to live it.

You may not appreciate this, but I do have respect for what you have tried to do, and what you are doing. And that I think is what you are going to have to do for yourself. Live your life so that you can look in the mirror and respect the man you see before you. It seems to me you are on the path.

I wish you the best and I do hope that someday Dylan gets her act together, and appreciates what you have done, become, and you will be.

God Bless,

JL

Howdy folks,

Haven't got a chance for a long reply, but wanted to check in because I won't be around tonight. I'm off to a buddy's place for some good 'ol fashion bachelorizing. (We're watching the 'fights' this eve)

Just J, that link didn't work for me. If you can give me the name of the thread I'll do a search...

JL,
I'll reply in further depth when I get back. I just want to thank you again for your thoughts. Many of these thoughts about Dylan are what had me deciding to get over her. And BTW, as far as I was (and still am) concerned, we were no longer married. I still want her back though, and dealing with these issues is important. That was just a quick thought...

dewt

Dewt,

Sorry, you are married and just declaring you are not doesn't work. There is a reason there are funerals. They bring closure for the remaining people. There is a reason for divorce, it brings closure to a marriage. Nothing sort of that will do.

But, I fear you are missing my point. I am NOT trying to convince you to leave Dylan or divorce her. What I want you to decide and do is either commit to being married or commit to getting unmarried. You have been playing as if you are both. Make it clean Dewt. If you are married then be married and act like it. If you have love for Dylan and hope for the future, then stay married and committed as long as you can and YES plan B will help you do that IF you don't start dating.

The idea is not to just a bit of one thing or another, or you will never truely decide what is best for you, your son, and to some extent for Dylan. Even in these posts you are oscillating between these situations and you should NOT be in that place.

It will make your life much easier to commit to one or the other and stick with it until you decide to move on, or something happens that allows you to start to rebuild your marriage.

You need to be hard on yourself, by being "radically honest" with yourself. If You really don't feel you want to be married to her, then file and move on. IF you are uncertain, then remain married and behave as a married man should. If you are certain you want to be married, then remain married and act as a married man should.

It does get this simple. But, it is NOT easy. Dylan has much to say about this. She may decide she doesn't want to be married and file, OR she may decide to try again. Who knows? You don't. I don't. ONly Dylan does and she is very likely confused. Just keep your side of this clean and simple, you will profit from this in making future decisions.

God Bless,

JL

Fixed the link. The period at the end of the sentence had gotten attached to it and made it not work. Just in case you don't want to go back to page 2, here it is again.

JL, Okey-dokey, you're right. Thanks for hanging out on my thread and helping me get all this into perspective. I've had a couple of days for all this to sink in and you are right. A decision is/was neccesary and total, intentional commitment to that choice is essential. I am married. She is married. We are a family (that has hit a wee bit of a rough spot) and I will stay true to the ideals until... until... er, well, I'm not exactly sure until what, but we'll see.

Just J, ah, the link worked. What a story... can relate to so much of it. Hurting for you right now...

Thanks all for coming to this thread.

ttfn,
dewt

Plan B has many purposes. One of the major ones is to protect the betrayed partner from further emotional harm.

In the course of Plan B, other things happen. One of them is that it gives the betrayed partner time to consider, with increasing clarity, the nature and purpose of their marriage.

If you're in Plan B, dewt, then the thing to do is to STAY IN IT. Don't date, don't initiate divorce, don't contact Dylan.

You do not have to decide today whether you're going to stay married or not.

You are allowed a time of limbo, of reflection, of indecision. So long as you harm no others (see above regarding dating, divorce, and contact) during that time, you are allowed to have it.

Become still.
Remember peace.
Listen to your breathing.
Clarity will follow.

whhhooooooooh (the sound of a long, calming exhale)

Thanks.

dewt