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I need some advice. I spoke with parents about being Plan B intermediaries. They seemed cool with it..until today, when they actually had to intermediate.
My WH was supposed to pick up the kids this weekend. He is going to NY instead (for this awards banquet, his company is awarding him for all his work overseas...I wonder if they will announce that he screwed some co-worker in India, bailed on his wife, and ditched his family as they are reading the write up of all he "did" there?) Anyways, he is opting out of his visitation weekend because of this trip. I asked my parents to verify that 1.) he is picking up daughter from sitters tomorrow for his Wednesday visitation, and 2.) that he will pay sitter early tomorrow while picking her up(since he won't be able to pay her Friday since he will not be here...and he is to pay the 1st and 3rd Fridays of the month, I pay the 2nd and 4th Fridays of the month).
He told my dad that he was not going to pay this week. His reasons were that he was going to be out of town (so) and that the kids were off on spring break last week so I was able to skip a week of paying sitter, so should he should skip a week (what?).
This is not cool. We are entitled to 2 weeks of "vacation" off of payments from the sitter a year (when daughter is home with us, usually during spring break and christmas). So I figured, I would enjoy one of the non-payment weeks, and he would enjoy one of the non-payment weeks. And if he doesn't pay, I will be paying 1st, 2nd, and 4th weekends this month. NOT cool.
So, I explain this to parents, and my dad said he does not want to be intermediary anymore. Doesn't feel comfortable going back and forth, etc.
SO NOW WHAT DO I DO???
E-mail him. Pick another intermediary (I haven't the first clue of someone else I could trust to be in this very uncomfortable situation...no one else).
HELP!
<small>[ March 31, 2004, 08:02 AM: Message edited by: ChristyV ]</small>
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Get another intermediary. Do you know anyone who would do it via e-mail? That expands it to the whole world instead of people who are close by.
If you can't find anyone, check over at SYMC. They have folks who do it.
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But I need to take care of this TODAY. I am thinking of shooting an e-mail over to him. How about below:
"Good morning!
I spoke with my Dad yesterday evening and discovered there must be some confusion with payment for Ms. Edy.
We agreed (in person and in writing) that I would make payments the 2nd and 4th weekends, and you would make payments the 1st and 3rd weekends (basically, to correspond with our visitation weekends). This is the 1st weekend, and although you are waiving visitation this weekend due to your trip to NY, I was fully expecting you to make Ms. Edy's payment.
You have seen my budget and know that I cannot absorb 3 daycare payments this month (the 2nd, 4th, AND 1st weeks??). If anything, we agreed that we would be counting on you to help fill the gaps (since there is NO margin in my budget, and I agreed to take on the lion share of the bills, did not ask for child support payments, etc).
I regret if this was not clear in some way, but I am expecting that you will make that payment as we agreed. Let me know if you have another solution in mind. :-)
By the way, the kids are really excited about spending some time with you tonight.
Thanks
P.S. I wanted to add something about "vacations" with Ms. Edy. We are entitled to two week vacation each year (where Cameryn is off and we are not obligated to pay). I assumed that I would take advantage of one "free" week and you would take advantage of one "free" week. Does this seem reasonable?
Christy"
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Christy - I can identify with your situation - Plan B with kids and a wacked out WS. Let's face it, Plan B with kids isn't very viable. No sane person in their right mind would be an intermediary. I didn't even TRY to use one. I specified in my Plan B letter that child-related or "business" communication would only be by e-mail except in an emergency. WS was not allowed in my house and pick up and drop off of our son would be in the driveway. With this setup, some contact was inevitable, but I was successful in minimizing it. I think this is the best one can hope to do in Plan B with kids. Of course, in my case, my WS wasn't clammoring to have contact. In addition, she "used" this setup as an example of how I was not acting in the best interest of our son. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Regarding the babysitter expenses, do you have a legal separation document?
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In the state of FL, there is no legal separation...so to make anything legal, one has to file D.
But we had COMPREHENSIVE discussion about all of this (which TOTALLY pisses me off, since I broke Plan B last weekend to sit down with him and hash out all the kids/$ stuff).
What do you think of the e-mail. Friendly yet informative yet detached?
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I would caution you over powerstruggling this...type of stuff... I would hard to make sure it is clear to everyone you are dealing with what the mode of operation is... Is the babysitter clear that which weeks to expect payment from you...and which to expect payment from him... and then pay your weeks only... do not remind him to pay do not tell him to pay.... do not mother him do not "control him"..which you can't...but he will turn that against you..... stay out of it...and let the person who he "owes" money to deal with that aspect... attempt to set aside an emergency payment as he may use things like this to keep you from being sucked in to the drama... It would seem to me that logically if one can not "afford" their child-care..thusly they probably can not afford a trip to newyork... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> You are getting to sucked into these details.. and none of it's fair...but the powerstuggling is inansity in motion.... document all of these types of occurances though... ARK
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He can afford it...he is just being an [censored]. NY trip is paid for (a company award for all his "work" overseas...too bad that included an A). I don't want to put sitter in a bad situation (because I have to keep her happy, good childcare is hard to come by).
I like your idea about documentation and a "emergency fund" ...maybe I should rename it jacka$$ WH fund.
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because he can afford it..then this is all a posturing power play to suck you in he expects you to respond... I would just pay the damn thing....I would consider borrowing from his parents... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> telling them I am sorry but hubby says he can't afford it this week and i am fearful for the children..I'm sure he will pay you back... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> OK that is just a fantasy... you could send him a telegram while receiving his award... or perhaps a warrant for his arrest for stealing babysit... Ok OK OK..I'm way off track sorry... I would pay it and NOT say a peep a squeak a murmer a sentence about it... don't rise to his bait... ARK
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ChristyV,
I've never done Plan B so BIG grain of salt here.
I have two thoughts:
1. I don't really know what the role of intermediary is, and I don't find it adequately explained on this site (maybe I missed it). I'll start a separate thread about that.
2. Yielding to the wisdom of experienced Plan B-ers, if they say it's okay to send the email, I'd cut a LOT of it out:
Good morning!
I spoke with my Dad yesterday evening and discovered there must be some confusion with payment for Ms. Edy.
We agreed (in person and in writing) that I would make payments the 2nd and 4th weekends, and you would make payments the 1st and 3rd weekends. end this paragraph here and leave the rest out; it's irrelevant. You have a written agreement. (basically, to correspond with our visitation weekends). This is the 1st weekend, and although you are waiving visitation this weekend due to your trip to NY, I was fully expecting you to make Ms. Edy's payment.
Leave this next paragraph out; he doesn't care about it.You have seen my budget and know that I cannot absorb 3 daycare payments this month (the 2nd, 4th, AND 1st weeks??). If anything, we agreed that we would be counting on you to help fill the gaps (since there is NO margin in my budget, and I agreed to take on the lion share of the bills, did not ask for child support payments, etc).
I regret if this was not clear in some way, but I am expecting that you will make that payment as we agreed. Leave the next sentence out; you're asking for communication in a Plan B?Let me know if you have another solution in mind. :-)
Leave this out - it's Plan A talkBy the way, the kids are really excited about spending some time with you tonight.
Thanks
Leave the next paragraph out. It just leads to discussion and if things have not changed by Christmas you can just tell him then that it's his free week since you had the last free weekP.S. I wanted to add something about "vacations" with Ms. Edy. We are entitled to two week vacation each year (where Cameryn is off and we are not obligated to pay). I assumed that I would take advantage of one "free" week and you would take advantage of one "free" week. Does this seem reasonable?
Christy
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You are right. I will pay it (I can...it will be a little uncomfortable, but I can do it). What a [censored]. I can't believe this man I loved and trusted has stooped to messing around with stuff that so directly spite's me and our kids.
[censored].
And so clearly the sign of a man who does not want to reconcile.
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No christy.. not clearly the sign of someone who does not want to reconcile... the sign of someone who is begging for contact and attention from you... someone who wants to interact with you sooo badly...they will be outrageous... soemone who is feeling that even negative attention is better than no attention... appears you have another two year old on your hands... don't go in the mud with him... ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> plan b ....
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Christy -
Why in the world are you going to pay it, or even get involved? If he's decided not to pay the daycare provider, that's between him and the daycare provider. You stay out of it entirely.
Others -
Plan B is entirely viable when there are kids involved. I finally figured out how to do it (too late for my own case, but that's another story), and am serving as an intermediary for a couple with kids. It's not only doable, it's sensible.
I do think, however, that a good intermediary is hard to find and that someone who's been trained to do it might be a better choice than putting a friend or family member in the middle.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just J:
<strong>Plan B is entirely viable when there are kids involved.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with Just J - and assume she was reacting to my earlier post. I shouldn't have used the term "viable." I should have said Plan B isn't very "practical" with kids - which is borne out by Christy's experience so far.
But it's absolutely necessary, nonetheless.
If Just J is serving as an intermediary, my hat's off to her.
WAT
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ChristyV this is Johns98ck I changed my name incase my wife comes here to read maybe, another little seed I planted in her head. Anyway just wanted to let you know that I'm proud of you for keeping your composure in this situation. Your doing good so far in your plan. I am praying that this works for you. I'm not a long poster like you but just wanted to let you know I'm still here for you. You can check up on me at TInman's on going saga. It's gotten a little better she called but only the answering mechine when I was at work but she called. I'm Mr. Positive.
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