I posted this in my other thread. I wish to get some response from those who know or not know my story.. Thanks.


Ok, here is some new development, every body please pitch it to help.

This morning, D acted the same, whining and complaining. After sending her to school, I told H that I need to talk to him about D. BTW, he didn't come home till 3am. He put a movie ticket Passion of Christ, time 10:50pm in the kitchen. I said that we need to put D back to Zoloft, he agreed. Then silence.

All the sudden,
he said, I broke up with OW. No more contact, I am going to call her H today to appologize. But you and me are over too, I am going to move out, let's seperate.

I just couldn't swallow all of these in one. I took a deep breath and said, I appreciate your honest, it is not easy to do that, it takes a lot of courage.

Then again he said it is over between us.

Me: why?

H: you are becoming stranger and stranger to me. You prentend nothing happened in front of me, in my back, you did so much. You are so deep in your mind, i even don't know what you are thinking.

Me: Can you be more specific by this?

H: How many phone calls and e-mails did you have to him(OW's H)? What did you do? What did you tell my mom? You said I went out with the Indian girl, I never did.

Me: I asked you many times, but you did tell me.

He: I just don't want to hurt her(OW).

Me: What is the relationship between you two.

He: Just like what you said, it was inapproriate. But it is no more.

Me: We can work it out.

He: You are very deep. She is a very good-hearted person. We have a lot in common. We just started as friends, but it got deeper.

Me: I appreciate you told me.

He: I rented an apartment already. I will not come home T, Th, you can take care of the kids.

Me: Where is your apartment?

He: You don't have to know. (Do I believe that? he will still have contact with OW)

Me: You don't have to move if you don't want to. This is your home. But if you are happier that way, you can move.

He: Look, you are so cold and calm. Why didn't you scream, yell, and whine? You have that right.

Me: I don't want to fight with you. That is not the right way to solve our problem.

He: You didn't care about me for the last 14 years, why do you care now?

Me: I did care about you.

He: Maybe. You didn't care in the way I like. That is why we are incompatible. We have nothing in common. OW is so nice, she is right for me, but...

Me: She is your friend's wife. Compatibility is something we work out. It doesn't come in with no effort. Should we rent a car in CA? (I mean the MB weekend)

He: Ok, go ahead. It is getting late. You get S up.

Me: Ok.


Please help with me what to do next. I don't believe the relationship is over. He doesn't want to work on M.

don't know what to say, but it looked like you did really well and i'm sure lots of people will be proud of the way you handled the situation. I think (because i don't really know) that my H is waiting for something like that to happen, my yelling and screaming and making the first moves to D. But i'm done w/that, i did too much of that during our M and right after I found out about the A. Obviously i've learned what DJ's, AO's, and LB's can do and did and i'm trying to do those things as you are.

bravo to you for sharing w/us. i've wanted to relate some of the conversations i've had w/my H but they are just too long and besides a lot of what is said is i guess so typical from a WS. things like "i don't feel those things for you anymore, i can't get them back, i'm sorry i hurt you but i don't want to hurt her, that's my problem i don't want to hurt anyone. i realize i may not be happy down the road, that this is what it took for you (me, the BS) to wake up and it never had to come to this. i just want to be happy, i can't go back, if you love me, let me go.

this is just some of the things he's repeated several times. anyway, i hope you get lots of responses because i know it helps others. prayers to you.

roughroad, thanks for your reply. All those word from your H sound so familiar. Guess they all abducted by the same alien.

Go to the MB weekend and see what happens. I do not believe for one minute that it's over between him and the OW, though.

Continue to be calm and collected. If it makes him nervous, that's fine.

If he moves out, it will be time for Plan B.

Just J, Yes, I will Plan B if he moves out. I've been waiting him to tell me this all the time. I don't want to kick him out, just let him move out volunteerily. I don't want to give him an excuse for D. I don't believe the relation is over in one minute either.

lostnhurt...

you and yours husbands communications leave me so confused...

he's denied denied denied in one sentence...and then in the next sentence he says it's over with the OW....?????????????

But if you are happier that way, you can move.
Is that fog speak coming from you???

Are you listening to him..
there is a difference between avoiding LBs and appropriate emotional response....

does he think you don't care about him???

are you cold??
(just a question....)

what would happen if you were to go to him telling him you don't want him to leave you..
that you love him...
that you believe in him and your marriage...etc etc etc...

You didn't care about me for the last 14 years, why do you care now?
why does he think that specifically...??

you have me soooo confused....
but that's not difficult to do...

ark

lostnhurt, I think you did really well. I dont think it is over though between him and OW. It is just an excuse to see her more...may not be what you want to hear, but that is what my WH did.

Also, why would you have to Plan B if he moves out? I did not plan B the whole time mine was out of the house. I plan A'd my butt off and he is back home now. Maybe I dont know your whole story...

I also dont think that he would be going to the MB weekend if he didnt' want to work on the marriage. That is like my H saying he would do SH sessions, but the marriage is still over. Why on earth would he want to do the sessions if the marriage is over.


Your husband is still very much in the FOG. I think you should let him move out and go on. Eventually things will start to come to a head.

lost -

I had a very similar conversation with my WH when he found out about my snooping. I think their initial reaction is one of betrayal (huh???) that we invaded their privacy. He was SOOOO angry with me. It's a knee jerk reaction, and one that he got over. After a few weeks, when the dust settled a little bit, he understood why I did what I did. He still didn't like it, but understood it.

Give him some time, and keep Plan A'ing.

Ark,

I don't blame you about the confusion. I am very confused too. I tried to apply the principal here to let him go. But i did tell him that I love him, want the M work. I really don't believe the A is over at all. It is just him said it, he is been denying, and all sudden he siad it is over, it is just his excuse to move out. I don't know Plan A or B next, that is why I post this.

Mom and WHB, Thanks for your advice. i already predict how sneaky WS are. I can control anything, I will let GOD handle it. I am just so tired.

bump

You did beautifully. You kept the ball in his court. Let him move out. Let him know that you only want to be married if both of you can be happy, and you'd appreciate it if he'd test that possibility by going to the MBW.
Cherished

Cherished, thank you for your encouragement. I don't know what to do now. I feel so nervous and bad. I don't like him to move out. I still feel I love him so much. This whole thin is just a big mess.

We've spent maybe $6,000 - 8,000 on counseling. I think I am approaching 100 session of either marriage counseling or individual counseling, and THE best advice I got was from a woman at a cosmetics counter to whom I told my sad story of a broken arm and an affair. She said, "If my husband had an affair, I'd stand back and see what he'd do. If he broke my arm, I'd be done."

The reason why I bring this up is that you are doing just a great job keeping the ball where it belongs, in his court. Be calm. Be courteous. Tell him that you will work on meeting his needs if he gives you a chance. Encourage him to go to the seminar. If he doesn't, tell him you are going. Then you'll get the material if and when he decides to participate.

I ran around like an idiot -- harassing Sophia until I got a harassment order, screaming and yelling at him, even getting upset at his father's wake which was two weeks after D-day -- and it did no good at all. He needed to realize himself that what he was doing what all his choice, not Sophia's, not mine. I was a fool to react to statements like, "I had no choice but to have an affair."

He had plenty of choices, and he chose an affair. If you are calm and go about your daily business as well as you can, that is your best chance to recover the marriage. He'll come back when and if he is ready, and the best thing you can do is not run interference for his conscience by running after him. I remember while dating the saying, "He chased her until she caught him." Well, it may be the same in marriage. If you chase him, he'll run. If he goes to an apartment, let him be the one to contact you or move into Plan B with contact through third parties only. I do have some idea of the pain you are going through, and all I can tell you is that people on this board realize more than anyone who hasn't gone through the experience of being a BS that it is beyond belief a horrible experience. Hang in there --

Thank you Cherished. I know that I won't chase him. It is just hurt so much. I can control himto move out or not. But this pain is just hard to bear right now.

He needs an excuse to justify what he is doing, and you aren't giving him one. No demands. No disrespectful judgments. No angry outbursts.

If he moves out, that's his choice. It sounds like he is planning to go to the MBW. That's good. Let him float other ideas, like the apartment. From what he is saying, it sounds to me like there may not be an apartment, only an attempt to rile you up.

Let his actions be his choice. Then he won't be able to blame you for what he is doing.

^

Somebody help, just talk to me!

LNH,

What a confusing day! I read your post earlier but am just now getting a chance to respond to some people on here.

I would say don't do what I did and push your WH out of the house. I sort of did that, because he kept saying he wanted his space, and then chickened out at the last minute and wasn't going to sign the lease. I forced him to, and now I sort of regret it because I feel we've really grown apart in that time.

But if he leaves on his own, I'd agree with the others--let him. It's hard, but really I do sleep better at night when I'm not expecting him to come home. As for going to Plan B, I'm not the one to ask. I tried it and failed. I wasn't strong enough or ready enough.

I also agree that if he's still willing to go to the MB conference, that is in your favor. He wouldn't go if he didn't care at all about you or the marriage. My WH won't even think of MC.

I guess if it were me, I'd try to stay as calm as possible (easier said than done) until the conference, and see how it goes, then make my plans from there.

Have you ever counseled with SH or any of the others? I can't remember. I've had one session with Dr. Jennifer Chalmers (Dr. Harley's daughter--she does mainly evening sessions). She was very upbeat and very good. I have another scheduled for 4/14, but can't afford but maybe one more after that.

I'm praying for you. Please be sure to take care of yourself.

LL

Keep the ball in his court. It's his choice to go to the MB seminar. It's his choice to move out. It's up to him.

Thank you my friends. But I hate him. When I put the kids to bed, he just left without saying anything. It just hurts. I know that i should not let it hurt me, but how can I not?

I am conseling with SH. I just call today, I got one next Monday. I feel so hopeless now.