My story is listed throughout this board under "My sad story--please read". I have a dilemma. My WW wife is seeing a pastoral counselor that she was very releuctant to see at first. She has only seen this woman for 4 or 5 sessions. I believe that my WW is getting some very "marriage destructive" advice. WWs mom died in Sept and our last child was born with developmental delay. This added to our stress but isn't the reason we're in this mess. Anyways, the counselor has been telling my wife that she has spent her whole life putting other peoples needs ahead of her own. My wife agrees and now says that she needs to do what makes her happy. After all, life is too short. My wife told her of the A and at no time did the counselor tell her to come clean. Also, the counselor says that MC at this time would be a disaster since it's designed to work on specific probs and we don't even know what those probs are. Huh??

What can I do here?? She won't see my counselor (a Christain) and if I tell her that she's getting bad advice, why would she believe me. It would seem that I'm protecting my own interests so to speak. It was amazingly hard just to get her to take this step. Help.

InGreatPain, IF your wife is accurately describing what her counselor is saying, I agree with you, it's bad advice. It's ludicrous to say everyone who enters MC should have a clear picture of their problems. Many times there is confusion, and the therapist has to help the couple find some clarity. You're in a tough spot if the therapist is feeding W what she wants to hear. What is a pastoral counselor's qualifications? I'm a mental health counselor and there was much schooling and internship hours. I'm must curious.

I also wanted to comment on your W's mom dying and your child being developmentally delayed. Don't underestimate the power of stresses in a M. My H and I were in a very loving place in August/2002. Then we experienced MAJOR life stresses. I wasn't able to fully be there for H when his dad died one year ago, but his office manager was there. I wanted to turn towards my H, and he chose to gratify his ENs and cover his grief through the high of the affair. Within one month of his dad's death he was starting his EA. So I believe there is a connection between not being able to cope with difficult life circumstances and As. Good luck! CV

ditto CV

Yep, that counselor isn't doing anybody any favors - except making it easy on your wife.

I think you've assessed your situation correctly - you can't criticize her counselor for the reasons you state.

I have two suggestions. Have a session with Steve Harley. I'm sure he's heard this before. He'll likely know better than your counselor how to handle this.

Second, or maybe next, consider an individual session with your wife's counselor. Who knows what your wife has described to him/her about you or your situation? Could be vastly different than what your description would be. Take along a print out of this post and a copy of Surviving an Affair to discuss with this "counselor."

<small>[ March 31, 2004, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Our first sesssion with the last MC wnet great. She told my WH to go pack up and come home. He then said "I'm keeping her (OW)" and never made it home. The second session WH told MC that he had given up on the marriage and was going to keep the OW. THe MC said to him "well, WH it sounds like you ahve made up your mind already" then she looked at me and said "BS, how do you feel about this" WHAT??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> How the HE** do you think I feel about this lady! She advised us that there was nothing I oculd do to change his feelings and that he had already made up his mind. I argued that "THIS IS NOT MY HUSBAND LADY....THIS IS AN ALIEN"...but she would not buy it. We never went back to her again.

We are now councelling with Steve Harley from this board. And so far it has saved my marriage. I just got off the phone with him not an hour ago and he is very hopeful about our marriage. He feels WH is doing the right things.

I would highly recommend you guys find a MC that both of you can agree to see or ask your W to talk to SH. He is wonderful. But you need to find a pro marriage counselor an dnot one who advises to not come clean or hide things. JMO

I can top that. I wanted my H to take me to the movies one Sunay afternoon and he refused (he was pining over ow) so I went on my own. Well, guess what was in the theater with me..ow with another married man!!!! I came home and told H what I saw. Later in the week that counselor let me have it as I told my husband something that "hurt his feelings!" Stupid me took it but soon wised up that this man was a nut case! My advice is to do whatever you can to get your WW away from this person. Seems like she has an agenda.