I think I have mentioned this one of my other exhaustive posts (and GOD BLESS you guys for reading my posts...they are long, like novellas or something...clearly brevity is not part of my writing style)...anyhoo...back to topic, in one of my previous threads I spoke about this great book I am reading called "God will make a way, What to do When you Don't know What to do."

I happen to be reading the chapter on divorce or relationship loss (they generalize it to divorce for conversations sake, but it really applies to ALL of us here...holding on white knuckled to what is left of our M, our S, or trying to put the pieces of our hearts back together).

I don't have the book with me right now, so I can't quote verbatim (I can come back on tonight and update with some quotes), but one thing that struck me was that we had to allow ourselves to go through the grieving process, but with all of that OP in mind.

I read threads from MB friends (BS and WS alike) and it seems as if we try to focus solely on the negative as we try to heal our way through this, but in a way, that is counterproductive. So, you've exorcised all the negative things about your partner from your heart, mind and soul...but that just leaves you secretly attached to all the goodthings about them. They are still allowed to hold real estate in your heart (because you have only purged yourself of part of them).

In other words, yes, it is helpful to think about how the WS (for BS) or OP (for WS) may have lied, betrayed you, hurt you, etc. But allow yourself to grieve what never was. Allow your grief to cover the death of the fanatasy, the realization of reality, all the things that OP could never be for you. And allow yourself to grieve all the good things too. The things you will miss, the characteristics that did seem to click with you, the good qualities that on surface level drew you to them. Because we have to grieve the WHOLE person, if we hope to get them out of our hearts and move on. The whole package. All the evil and all the sunshine. Let it out. Then you will truly have freedom from it. Move on and know that you did the right thing (and are equipped to keep doing the right thing).

They say it more clearly than I can articulate, but I wanted to share. I will quote some passages from the book later.