Well I'm saying this will all honestly. I don't know if I love my husband or not. I've been with him 19 years... I was very young...I had a lot of self esteem issues going on and I've since lost tons of weight, gained confidence and get all these looks from guys that wouldn't give me the time of day. Well I had 2 affairs at the same time, husband found out and didn't throw me out. We've talked so much these past few months and at first I thought I wanted to stay married, now I'm not so sure. I still want to flirt and be around men that tell me these thing. I know I have issues I have seeked help for it but until I get that fixed - what do I do with my marriage? he's agreed to try to deal with it but I know it's not possible and he shouldn't have to deal with the torture! Am I suppose to be married any longer? Is it worth it to read the books and attend the seminar if I can't control my wandering eye?

Am I once a cheater always a cheater? Does anyone know what I'm going through. I don't want to make more promises I can't keep. I don't want to let him down again. He loves me SO much... we have 2 small children.

I mean he's agreed to let me go out and have some freedom - can you imagine what his state will be knowing that I've told him I can't make him any promises that I won't cheat again? I don't intend to sleep with anyone but I like the company and attention...

I mean I truly loved him how could I do this to him. I'm being so selfish...

Any advice would be helpful - any books or website I should check out...
I'm so embarrased...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

I suggest you give the methods described here a try - at least for your children. Just try. Stop any current affairs and try for 6 months. I mean REALLY try.

In the meantime, send your H here. He's part of the solution and he needs these methods, too.

I don't know what your religious beliefs are, or if you are believer, but a wise pastor's wife once told me...

SIN FEELS GOOD!

How else could the devil con us into partaking of it. The flip side to that is that there are always repercussions for our actions. The bill ALWAYS comes due.

Where do you see yourself 10 years from now? Still playing the field?!?

And 30 years from now?
Still playing the field??!!?

And 50 years from now?
All alone in a nursing home or alone on your front porch - still trying to play the field because you have no other fulfilling things to do with your life? Ever see an 80 year old woman very successful at playing the field?

What about your reputation? Your pride? Your self-worth? All that goes out the door when you become a philanderer.

I encourage you to consider your children. Put their needs above your own. That's the definition of a good mother. When we sacrifice our wants (and sometimes our needs) for our kids. Sure it's hard, but it's the right thing to do.

And I agree with the above poster - get your husband here. He could learn a lot. You obviously have a terrific man for him to have stayed with you through what you've put him through. Seek counseling. Maybe even talk to your OB/GYN. You could have a hormonal imbalance - who knows.

However, your husband, if he desires, probably has the power to satisfy you. He just needs to be taught how.

You are in my prayers - as is your husband.
God Bless,

Jamup

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

Try and put yourself in your husband's shoes for a minute. How would you like to hear he needs freedom and can't promise to be faithful?

You are supposed to be married if you want to be. It sounds as if you are looking for permission to skip out from us and from your husband. The fact is you are 100% responsible for everything you do, no matter how much you 'need' it.

Of course you can be faithful. Do you want to be faithful?

dilh:

Your name is a misnomer. The 2uestion you should be asking yourself is "do I love myself?" because you sure as hell aren't respecting yourself. Sure, you could go out and get this attention from guys that are all 2 willing 2 give it 2 get what THEY want, but what good will keeping that up do you? Sooner or later, you'll likely bring home something nasty and unexpected, like an STD or a positive pregnancy test result. And yes, you need 2 ask yourself if this is fair 2 your H and family, but most importantly, you need 2 start asking these 2uestions regarding yourself.

Who do you want 2 be? Who do you want your children 2 look up 2 as a mother figure? And finally, is the attention really worth the damage you've done 2 your own integrity?

Your H may appear 2 be willing 2 tolerate your behavior for now, because he loves you and doesn't want painful change himself... ...yet. But rest assured, his fear of the unknown won't keep him "in this place" forever. So, when he decides he's had enough and he can be much happier without you, what will you do in response? Will you try your hardest 2 save your marriage THEN, or will you seek empty attention from one of your boy toys?

Sorry 2 come across as harsh, but what you're doing 2 your family is far more cruel than anything I could say 2 you.

best,
-ol' 2long

DoIlovehim,

IMHO, you still have major self-esteem issues!!

Are you in counseling? Again IMHO you should be.

cwmac

I've been married 23 years... 19 when I got married.

Trust me when I say... even though you've now "found" yourself, the grass STILL ain't greener on the other side. The real fun is in knowing who you are, feeling confident about yourself and still being head over heels in love with your H.

That means he's gotta give you a whole lotta lovin' and you've got to recipricate.

The one thing I discovered in having my affair is that my husband is still my best freind. I own a whole lifetime of history with him. No new man is going to replace that.

What makes formerly stable adults suddenly change, and "want to go out" and "experience freedom" and act like a kid with no responsibilities?

I'd really like to know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Not a personal dig at anyone, more a comment on the dufus in my life, who needs to grow up and realize that childhood/college is GONE and no amount of slacking off will change that fact.

Thank you - Thank You - I read all your post and HARSH is what I need to hear... you are so right.. all your questions, all your statements.. I know it's not going to be easy as I have to work out my self esteem issues but I have to realize what is important and what am I going to be 10 years from now?

I'm going to keep posting and reading and seeking help... I can beat this...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jamup:
<strong> I don't know what your religious beliefs are, or if you are believer, but a wise pastor's wife once told me...

SIN FEELS GOOD!

How else could the devil con us into partaking of it. The flip side to that is that there are always repercussions for our actions. The bill ALWAYS comes due.

Where do you see yourself 10 years from now? Still playing the field?!?

And 30 years from now?
Still playing the field??!!?

And 50 years from now?
All alone in a nursing home or alone on your front porch - still trying to play the field because you have no other fulfilling things to do with your life? Ever see an 80 year old woman very successful at playing the field?

What about your reputation? Your pride? Your self-worth? All that goes out the door when you become a philanderer.

I encourage you to consider your children. Put their needs above your own. That's the definition of a good mother. When we sacrifice our wants (and sometimes our needs) for our kids. Sure it's hard, but it's the right thing to do.

And I agree with the above poster - get your husband here. He could learn a lot. You obviously have a terrific man for him to have stayed with you through what you've put him through. Seek counseling. Maybe even talk to your OB/GYN. You could have a hormonal imbalance - who knows.

However, your husband, if he desires, probably has the power to satisfy you. He just needs to be taught how.

You are in my prayers - as is your husband.
God Bless,

Jamup </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was a good post. I really never quite understood the notion of not considering the long term consequences of a life strategy....and playing the "field" in your 30's 40's and up is really stupid. By all means resolve your marital dilemna first(work on it, or end it)...but any other "dating" should be about finding a good mate, not being a party guy/girl.

dilh:

In addition 2 encouraging you 2 continue 2 come here, please go 2 http://saveyourmarriagecentral.infopop.cc/6/ubb.x?a=cfrm&s=244008616 and scroll down 2 "Reclamation" and sign up! You can get real help there as well.

best,
-ol' 2long

doilovehim,

i am glad to see you back. please do keep posting!!! i can relate to you very much. i read your topic when you first posted yesterday but i did not have enough energy to post to you.

i cheated on my H for 2 1/2 years after deciding i no longer wanted to be married to him. i concluded neither one of us really ever loved each other from the get go.

there is so much i could say to you, i don't even know where to start.

don't sell yourself out for this kind of attention. you deserve better than that.

please keep posting and i will try to support you. i am very tired today and having problems stringing together too many thoughts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by doilovehim:
<strong> Thank you - Thank You - I read all your post and HARSH is what I need to hear...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">doilovehim, allow me to borrow your thread for just a minute - and yes, keep asking questions.

Finally Learning, wasn't it you who chastised me recently for being too harsh (and scaring off "other woman")? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

WAT

Dear doilovehim, I think you have to be realistic - your husband obviously loves you - you are right you are being selfish, you need to stop and realize that these men will tell you what you want to hear. You need to learn to love yourself, to have enough self worth and realize you do not need to have your needs fulfilled by strange men saying flattery things to you, what your husband is offering should be enough to make you stop your wandering eye - did you and your husband do any of the MB emotional needs questionnaires? my husband and I did and it did help us open the communication. If you husband understands what your needs are and what needs these other men were filling that he wasn't that will give him the opportunity to be the husband you want him too.
Also think of your children, that would be enough incentive to try and make things right
Best of luck -
Sandy

what did i say that was harsh???

oh, wait, i get it, in this case, the WS is specifically saying that what she needed to hear was harshness.

well, yes it was me that said that to you.

but your post to other_woman was so sarcastically on the (i hate to even say this word) mean side.

on the other hand, i don't need to be critiquing anyone's responses.

What if you never thought you'd be thinking about cheating but find that more and more you're drawn sexually to other men? I've read the "Love Bank" and the "Emotional Needs" and I actually think my husband and I are reversed in our needs as I place a big emphasis on sexuality and I have felt very shallow b/c of the fact that physically he is not what he used to be. Don't get me wrong I know none of us are what we used to be but he seems to have gotten "comfortable" his quote in a relationship and doesn't care about his weight...I heard myself say to someone and I can't even remember who, He's turned into someone I wouldn't even have been attracted to. He says this is me and I say, yah but you admitted yourself this is what you do in a relationship and if you needed to you would go back to the good looking, nice dressing, taking pride and even strutting yourself to get into another relationship type of guy. That's the guys I married and now more times that not I have the plumbers crack, beer belly (but not from beer), no top teeth & won't wear a denture, throw a ball hat on my head guy. He can clean up nice but I also think his weight gain of at least 30 lbs. has changed his likes for recreation. We used to dance, not anything special, just go out and have a few drinks and dance, I love to dance, I find it very sexy and I don't think he feels very sexy when he dances now maybe b/c of his weight but he just doesn't partake like he used to. His come back to me is well people change, they grow up but I still enjoy the things I always have and don't feel you have to act old b/c you are getting older (by the way we are 43 and 42). I honestly thought I got it right this time, we looked good together, we had fun together and sex was great. Sex is still good, things aren't as exciting of course b/c life happens but we have built a good life together (7 years), we don't argue and fight (the odd heated discussion), we're not in financial straights.....what else is there? He is very passionate about work and always finding new ventures or interests that way, he's a hard worker, he loves to talk on the phone (more than any woman could ever be accused of), so much so that after supper, he'll get on the phone to one person, hang up from them and call another one (he can talk for hours to anyone)but we don't have big conversations anymore. We have a social life but other friends are usually involved, he tells me he loves me all the time, to the point where I want to say STOP you just told me that 2 minutes ago. It seems like the thing you say, you know like when you answer the phone or meet someone and they say how are you, but it's just what you say, it doesn't mean anything (and by the way he is so guilty of that habit, it drives me crazy, he phones me and says "how are you" and I know by the tone he's in that mode, so I don't answer him and then he catches himself.
Am I just all of a sudden looking for things that are wrong, it's not like this is new. I used to think it was fine and now I think it's still fine in fact, he bugs me so it's more than fine and I know this is all not good, so then I think maybe I should just act on my feelings of sexuality toward other men, maybe I should just have a little something on the side, not to fullfill any need other than to have excitement and enjoy it, no emotional attachments but.... Oh yah, I should probably mention that I'm not totally sure that he hasn't in the past had an affair or two of his own, although he denies it and says one person had feelings for him but he told her they were colleagues only (he just neglected to tell me, until I forced the fact that I knew something wasn't right). At that point he told me and I realized that for the past four months I had every right to feel what I had been feeling, I wasn't crazy and that he had kept it from me and made me feel like and idiot and also that nothing had happened so I needed to drop it. Before that, when we were just getting together, I found out that while fullfilling a previous committment to do something for parents of an ex-gf, the ex-girlfriend starts coming around her parents house telling him she made a mistake and wanted him back, again for about a month I felt him changing/pulling back, whatever, until I finally dragged the truth out of him and he told me he had been trying to work it out on his own. He says if there's problems the only way to make a relationship work is to talk things over but he preached that before the two episodes where he chose to keep me in the dark and even tell me "I was crazy for feeling like this, there's nothing wrong, you're looking for something to be wrong." I don't not love him and who get's everything, so maybe I should just be happy. I've been told "get what you want elsewhere that will keep you happy and content with your marriage". I know what that sounds like but I've almost started to believe it, like I said this isn't my first marriage (15 yrs)and even though the first was a case of age, irresponsibility, drugs and everything that comes with that in a partner, the second (5 yrs)was a rebound to a person so totally opposite to the father of my children and with my husband now I thought I had found the guy in the middle (and then he changed). Maybe I'm just supposed to grow up and change too.....?