Hi peaceandlove:

I noticed that you posted to 2 threads on this forum but you didn't really give much information. Do you want to share w/everyone what's going on? I am sure that a lot of members here can help you if you can elaborate more on your situation.

mrsx <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

thanks for asking-
I had a EA & PA with an old friend.
my husband knows of EA, not PA. I feel guilty every day of my life. all the info I have read says to not break my H heart by telling. I know he would leave me & life would be ruined for my family and me. It is over w/ OM. I still think of OM ALL the time-my heart hurts - pal

<small>[ April 05, 2004, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: peaceandlove ]</small>

peace and love,
I don't know what you are reading, but as long as you are lying about having a PA, you are not making any progress, you are digging a deeper hole...A marriage is built on love and trust, you have violated that.

You say that you have read that the knowledge of the A will break his heart and destroy your marriage? I'm not about to get into telling you how wrong it was, you are here and you need help not a 2x4 over the head!

You need to understand that you are not protecting your spouse by not telling, you are protecting yourself. You realize now that there are consequences and they are not going to be easy, You OWE it to your H to tell him the truth and let him decide if he is willing to continue the marriage and work towards recovery. Whatever the reasons, whatever the circumstances of your A were, it WAS your choice, not his. You do not have the right to decide what might break his heart, that time has passed...

PLEASE read the MB home page and concepts, one of the most important is TOTAL HONESTY. Until you tell the truth, you will wallow in guilt and your recovery will be a false one. When your H finds out that it was a PA as well as an EA, you will be back to square one and whatever relationshiop you have worked to salvage will be over.

I know it's hard, ask the WS's here who are in recovery. Ask the BS's here if any of them would have said in advance that they would work to fix a marriage if their spouse had an affiar. Until you have been there, you just don't know. If you love your H you will give him the opportunity to deal with the truth. If you want to salvage your marriage, tell the truth and begin to rebuild. until you do you are swimming in circles...

peaceandlove,
I saw on another thread that you were asking about abbreviations etc. here on MB.

Go up to General Questions and read the New to MB thread. It has all the info. you need to get started and will help you. Keep reading, there is help for you here.

^bump for peaceandlove^

I am confused on what is good advice-because I have read both sides. It just seems like it is more info than H needs. OM is in another state, I dont have to worry about seeing him or anyone telling my H, because OM never will. OM denied any PA to his W. so, I stick by not telling my H, I cant, I just cant. Not now not ever-it would kill him. We have both been on medication thru this mess, and he has a father that committed suicide-it is all too risky. I just try to get by one day at a time, and things are so good between us now-keep advising-it is all appreciated. I lose myself in threads, and don't know where to look when I log back in, do I always stay in same place? I want to see what everyone is saying to me-but it is confusing with all the pages just in GenQues-any help? Thanks-pal

Dear Peace.
What I do with this MB site is go to General Questions, right click on it, and save to 'Favorites'.

That way you can just click on 'Favorites' and marriagebuilders.com will come up, click on it, and it will take you right here...
You generally do not have to log in again which makes it very convenient.

I know lots of people will advise you to tell your husband.
I think 'timing' is important and have even read in MB advice books, that sometimes not telling but keeping an open mind that someday you MAY tell is the right option for your marriage.

It would be different if it were an on-going affair.
But it is over, he has moved away and there is NO CONTACT.

And like the recovering alcoholic, SURE you will still 'crave' the feeling of being SPECIAL, that you had with this OM...It will take lots of time to get to the place of indifference, if ever.

But you can live with that.
In life we all have to live with things that are unsettling in our minds.

Hang in there, give it a lot of thought, and just be the best person you can be.
There is a saying "Only you can be the kind of person you want to be."

And you come off to me as a good lady that made some bad choices...I am sure at the time, you just wanted to experience this romance, true?
And now the consequences come and they aren't fun!

Sincerely, Julie

Peaceandlove,
I'm sorry for your pain, but you are reacting out of fear for yourself, not love for your husband.

Maybe right now you are not ready to tell him, but until you do you are cheating him of each day that you pretend to be in recovery. I know this from experience, PLEASE listen! When the details of my H's affair finally came out, I was more angry and hurt by the amount of time that he covered it up. I felt like the years we spent pretending to be working on our marriage had been erased from my life, we had to start over.

You are justifying your continued lying by saying that the OM is in another state, his wife does not know etc. etc. etc. It would kill your H, his father had a heart attack, it's more than he NEEDS to know? This is justification in it's worst form and continued deceipt.
If you want to stay married, you owe it to your H to let him decide if he also wants to stay married. You are playing with someone's life here and playing God. YOU do not get to decide how much he can handle, HE does.

I know this sounds harsh, but affairs are harsh, they are real and they ruin lives. That is a decision that you have already made. The only way you can begin to redeem yourself here is to tell your H the truth and tell him that you love him and want to work on restoring your marriage. I know you are scared and say you can't do it. If you can't do it, you need to look inside yourself to see if you really love him.

MANY here are bS's who can tell you that they have been able to work together to retore marriages, it IS possible, you CAN do it. It won't be easy, but the easy road that you are taking now is a dead end. You are burying the truth and living with guilt. Free yourself from it and regain some dignity, PLEASE!

peaceandlove,

I am so glad you are back. I am a former wayward spouse (WS) and I know exactly what you are going through. I invite you to read my original thread so that you can see the replies that I got from many of the wonderful people here at MB. If not for their brutal honesty, I would still be having an affair and most likely my marriage would be ending by now. I had the opportunity to repair my marriage and end the affair and this was possible only because I told my husband the truth.

I really thought that if he found out, he would kick me out and want a divorce. Well, I am here to tell you that not only didn't he do that, but he is more loving and devoted to me now than I can ever remember. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have a second chance at a happy marriage and I realize now that the only way to truly make a marriage work is for both spouses to be totally honest and accountable. There is a long hard road ahead of us but I really do believe that things are going to be ok as long as we continue to work at filling each other's emotional needs (EN's) and loving each other to the best of our ability.

Please read my original thread: HERE
and my most recent posts: HERE
to see how things have changed over the past few months in my life.

The reply I received from MelodyLane sums up why it's important that I tell my husband the truth, and maybe you can see why as well..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes, it will hurt him if he doesn't know. He is being destroyed behind his back and doesn't know it. He needs to know what is happening so he can protect himself from YOU.

He may also choose to not be married to someone who cheats on him and that is his right. It is because of that, that you have no right to withhold information from him.

To do so is cruel and manipulative beyond words. You will only be keeping him in your marriage WITH A LIE. He has a right to know what is going on in his own life. To withhold this information is only compounding the cruelty.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stick around and you will get a lot of support and good advice from the more experienced MB'ers here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

of my gosh- julie - i just read all that. i am feeling so sick now. i thought i was doing everything right. i think i am protecting him. i still stand by that. i say there is such a thing as too much information. i am going to say that someday in the future when the time is right - i will confess.
during my friendship with OM- i revealed to H about a friends H that put moves on me in my 20s (i am 43)& he BLEW UP! i thought ohmigod-how can i ever be unfaithful-he would kill me & the OM-& i do believe that.
there is always more to story than anyone knows.
i am in this forever with my H-but i am still hurting-sorry-i know you all want to help-i think of OM all the time-i tried to call him today & hung up- i am still trying to stay connected to him-what do i do

i was reading again-mrsx
sorry julie- not your threads
mrsx thank you- your words were what i
needed to read-
why do we all feel like we are the only one when we fall in love-that intensity is a drug-or it is satan, tempting us-making us lust for someone outside of the sacred trust of marriage. i have been married for 26 years-at the age of 17- & i had NEVER been unfaithful until 11-10-03-i can only say it was lust & i thought it was love-i fell hard- & i am still healing & continue to feel my bruised heart every moment of every day-pal

Here is my info:
I want help from all of you-
and I am open to listen to all comments.
Prayers to my MB friends-pal

pal,

You said something that you really need to consider. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i am in this forever with my H-but i am still hurting-sorry-i know you all want to help-i think of OM all the time-i tried to call him today & hung up- i am still trying to stay connected to him-what do i do </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are still trying to stay connected because you can. You are not accountable to anyone for what you do, therefore you do whatever you want. That is one reason for telling your H the truth. He will help you.

But, further, in ways you are still in the A, it is called withdrawal. If you read MrsX's thread again, you will see while she was in withdrawal, she did NOT really work with her H, and she had a hard time deciding to tell. But, the H can help you.

You and you alone made the decision to have the A. You have not told us the circumstances that led to the A, but I would bet you were looking for some excitement in your life. Your marriage seemed pretty dull, midlife crisis and all of that.

So how is your marriage going to change when your H doesn't know what is wrong, and what you need? How are you going to open up to him while you are hiding your secret? How will you truely protect your H, your family, your marriage and yourself by yourself, when you have already failed. Your H is supposed to help, but he doesn't know there is a problem does he?

If you want to read the ultimate in denial go read "Sarie's" posts. She is still in her affair, because she has NOT told her H. She lied to him as you have with your H that the A was a long time ago and only an EA. He has no clue (according to her) that the A has been hot and heavy for a decade.

In the short term there is mucy less pain if you don't tell. Many counselors use this approach because their main focus is on making YOU happy and not facing this would make anyone happy. But counselors that really focus on rebuilding marriage most often counsel to tell. Harley has a very long track record of saving marriages because when honesty is in place, the bedrock of the problems, the love, the marriage can be addressed. He will NOT marriage counsel some with an addiction, why? Because honesty, truth, and focus are not hallmarks of the addicted person.

So when you decide to rebuild your marriage, not just stay married, you will come to see the need for truth. You cannot expect it from your H, if you will not give it to him.

So first, no contact with OM. Second get through withdrawal, and then really look at your marriage. When you decide to rebuild, come ask, the people here will help, good counseling will help a lot, and the truth will be very very important.

please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I understand what you are saying. I felt like OM & I were unique and totally resisted the MB ideas when I first got here. But as time went by, I kinda just allowed myself to have an open mind and really pay attention to what was being said here. I then realized the A wasn't so unique after all, matter of fact it matched almost every cliche that is considered "fog" here.

PAL, don't beat yourself up and don't let the guilt destroy you. Take your time to read up on all the MB principles and the stories of the members here and decide how you want to go about this. Believe me when I tell you I totally understand what you are going through. I am still pretty new here so I don't have lots of great advice to give, so just really pay attention to what the very wise old-timers here have to say. They really know what's up as far as A's go and as far as rebuilding M's go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by peaceandlove:
<strong> i was reading again-mrsx
sorry julie- not your threads
mrsx thank you- your words were what i
needed to read-
why do we all feel like we are the only one when we fall in love-that intensity is a drug-or it is satan, tempting us-making us lust for someone outside of the sacred trust of marriage. i have been married for 26 years-at the age of 17- & i had NEVER been unfaithful until 11-10-03-i can only say it was lust & i thought it was love-i fell hard- & i am still healing & continue to feel my bruised heart every moment of every day-pal </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

PAL, you got to tell him. You think your hubby doesn't know. You are wrong. He knows something is wrong. MY WW thought she was pulling the wool over my eyes. In the end I smoked out the truth. I could tell something was wrong, too many subtle changes that could not be ignored or wished away.

after reading the other night, I came so close to confessing PA. I had been to a funeral visitation & was looking at pictures & flowers & noticed a bouquet tdat had OM & OMW name on, it was too much-seeing their name together right there in front of me. (the deceased was a gma to his 2 sisters-in-law, married to his 2 brothers) It brought it all back to think about again & again. That night my H & I went for dinner & I was quiet, & told him what I had seen earlier, & started crying, he asked how it made me feel, I said like I am never going to get past all this sh**. When we came home, we dialogued. (we have been thru 2 weekends of United Marriage Encounter, 2-93 & 3-04, www.ume1975.org )I wrote in my notebook, "I am protecting you, from details that would hurt you" he said "what kind of details?" I said "intimate details" & he said he wouldnt push or pry only what I want to tell him, I said "thank you" So maybe in his own way he knows. I told myself if he ever asked directly, I would confess. I still cant & I stand by it not being necessary when A is OVER.
This is my A story---
OM is back in hometown for gma funeral 3-03
(we grew up & graduated together-had not seen each other in 20+ yrs) My family was friends with his-we all went to visitation, he was talking to my younger sister (that he dated out of high school-& slept with he later told me) & he did not recognize me-I said my name-he said "wow, you look great!" I said "you too"-no time to continue talking at funeral home, so next nite my sister & I went to local bar where he was with brothers. I was not looking for A. I had a old college sweatshirt on, tennis shoes, my glasses- not working it at all) he was shy I could tell, we talked a little here & there throughout eve-but not a whole lot. I talked to him about upcoming class reunion & we exchanged email addresses etc & that was it. I emailed him-sorry about gma, nice to see you etc. he responded with a very touching email, I called my sister right away-to read what he said, it seemed thrilling-I told my husband how much I enjoyed catching up with him etc. emailed apr may 03, he said to call him sometime, so mid June I called his cell #. he was self-employed, so we talked & talked. By July 3, we both said we loved each other. By August started having phone sex, he came back in Sept to help his mother move. W came too. We met again at bar, my husband there too. OM acted weird-nervous, wouldnt talk to me directly. Kept touching his wife & focused on her. He went to bar & I followed him, I said what is going on, he said he couldnt talk-she was jealous of him talking to me-he said "I will make it up to you Tues," he was going to come to my house so we could talk, he never showed up. I called his mother's, he was ?gone?-I found out later from my sister who talked to OM mother-he refused my calls because of W-so it would look like I was pursuing him. He returned to his homestate-I gave up on him-thought I am better than this. He calls gives me excuses, I fall for it. I need to finish later-thanks all-pal

PAL:

I'm trying to get a better understanding of your story. Please finish it, OK?

whiteknight-you care-thanks.
OM calls me after not following thru with promise 9-03 of seeing me alone. I fall for his excuses & justifications. At the time I was working in an office where I was alone most of the time-so he called me at work or I called him. I would come home on lunch hour & we would have phone sex-disgusting I know-I had never done this before-but it was very sensual. By Oct. I felt like my life was starting to fall apart. I was very unhappy in my job & was feeling suffocated. I told my H, I needed a getaway. I have an aunt that lives in Honolulu that was going to be gone from her apt for couple weeks in Nov. She agreed if I flew to Hawaii, I could stay there for free. I have been there few times before, & know my way around island. My 2 cousins live there also-this is where is gets twisted. I decided while shopping online for my flight, I would do a layover in city OM lives in. OM was thrilled. He would pay for hotel & tourism meals etc. He & I couldnt wait to be together. Then I had to break this to my H, I was not going to lie to him, I told him I was going to OM, just as friends to work out a solution for keeping our relationship as "just friends." It was hell the 3 weeks before I left for me & H-he couldnt take it, I made all the promises to him, & ultimately he said he trusted me, this whole time we are in MC. I go-OM picks me up at airport, & from the moment we saw each other we could not keep our hands off each other. We did some driving & sightseeing-then to hotel, I had ONLY been with 1 man my whole life, my H, I was a virgin at 17 when I met him, so with OM, I was curious and excited to be with someone else-someone who confessed his love continually for me, it was a beautiful experience & he said he was glad I shared it with him. He came back to hotel in middle of night-left his bed with his W-& came to be with me. Next day, he takes me to airport & off I go on my "me" trip for 2 weeks. My cousin, single & 5 yrs younger picks me up, I had not seen him for 1 yr, since our grandfather's funeral. He is my driver, tour guide & dinner companion- ohmigod can you guess where this is leading-I admit it-I slept with my cousin, hows that for demeaning & humiliating myself. I told this to OM, he thought it was great experience for me, no one to judge me & just living life in paradise. My cousin did not want me to leave-but I did, and yes, took 3 days back at OM city to spend with him. It was mad mad crazy passion. We shared everything & I felt like I was 18 again. I was in such a serious fog that I was not even aware of the ramifications for what I was doing. OM knows my 1 terrible secret about my trip. I had 4 days, where I had been with 3 men. & you know what-I thought I deserve to be FREE-just me-no apologies-so how is that for 1 f**ked up woman! say all the horrible things you want about me-but this is the ONLY place I have EVER been completely honest, my bestfriend does not know about my fling in Hawaii-how could I explain that one-I give up on me-it is hopeless, so now here I am in my happy little home living my happy little life with the weight of the world on my back-whatever-pal

PAL,

I'm not the biggest advocate of telling no matter what. But you really have to ask yourself if you've actually closed the door on this kind of behavior.

If you haven't taken solid steps to understanding why you did what you and coming to terms with the past, then you're going to find yourself in this situation again.

So what's different that you'd never find yourself doing this again?

Low

PAL:

Thanks for sharing that story. You should never have any fear of sharing anything here. For crying out loud read some of what I wrote!

If it makes you feel better, I used to have the hots for my cousin. She and I never did anything, but I sure did think about it a lot.

Unless there is something missing, a lot you are still not revealing, it sounds like you have more of an infatuation than anything else. I mean, you definately had an A. Two! But how much of your life was really consumed by OM #1 before it ended?

Incidentally, what is your relationship like with your cousin now? Do you think about him as much as you think about OM? WHat does he expect if and when you see him again?

If and when you tell your H about the A ---- I guess you have to tell him about your cousin too, huh?

Don't sweat it. We're here for you. Holy cow, that's quite a story, but not much weirder than some of the other stuff people have gone through.

<small>[ April 16, 2004, 11:56 PM: Message edited by: whiteknight ]</small>