My story is long. So much has happened in my marriage <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> a lot of it has already been posted so hopefully some of you will already have an idea of what I'm dealing with.

We are "reconciling" sort of. he's here but he isn't. The love I once saw in his eyes for me is GONE, he gave it to her and he can't get it back for me. The problem for him is that he fell in love with OW and she didn't feel the same. The problem for me is that I am deeply completely in love with a man who loves a woman that tried to destroy my life (and succeeded really)

He tries. He TELLS me he loves only me and that he is over her. but I can FEEL the truth! Her *ghost* is effecting every aspect of our life together, including our sex life.

I can feel the truth <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

he told me that lack of affection from me is what hurt our marriage (no hugging, kissing etc) I am being affectionate now.. not just because he wants me to, because I want to! I came so close to losing him, it was a wake up call. There was so much pent up resentment in our marriage that it caused a huge wedge between us. Now I feel like all the affection I am showing him is smothering him. I don't think he wants it. I just don't know what to do.

TML - Have you tried talking to him about what he's going through? And maybe discuss with him what the future of your marriage looks like? Paint a picture for him, make him realize that the best is yet to come.

Start with radical honesty, and openly discuss your feelings with one another. Are you spending recreational time with each other? Are you giving him a chance to fall back in love with you?

I'm trying. I'm trying very hard. He won't open up to me. I know he's going through things but he just tells me that she means nothing to him and that it's over.

Radical honesty is what I wanted most when we talked about getting back together. He told me he would do his best to give me that, but he hasn't.

We spend time together but doing fun things is a bit hard right now. His affair and the fall out put us deeper in debt than we have ever been. We are seeing a MC (not a good one unfortunately, but she's the only one in the area)

I try to make sure he knows how much I love him. I just sent him an "I love you" email, he's at work right now. I leave him love notes a lot. I painted "I love you" on the mirror in lipstick. I give him a hug and kiss before he leaves and when he gets home. I do things like rub his neck, back, shoulders while he's on the computer. I'm trying, but I don't know what else I can do. If he doesn't love me I can't make him.

I have to say that he is doing all of this too.. but I feel the lack of sincerity.

I think you should be patient. I wish i can have someone like your H to do all these things. I know it is hard. It is easy to say than do. But keep trying.

Indeed, keep trying.

You might be surprised one day down the road to find that the insincerity that you feel now has faded and that it's become real.

At this point, the fact that you are both making the effort is sooooo important and something to be truly grateful for.

Does he post?

(I haven't read your other posts, or maybe I have but my sleep-deprived, stressed out memory circuits have shorted out...)

dewt

no, he doesn't post or read here. I'm doing good to get him to go to a counselor. He was very willing to see a MC, but I don't think I could get him to spend much time other than that on fixing us. He doesn't stress over our problems like I do (that's part of the reason I don't think he cares much) he stresses a lot over finances and the fact that we need new tires etc.. but he spends very little time working with me to fix us. He much prefers the "sweep it under the rug and it will all go away" approach.

Problem with that is good rugs are expensive. And eventually you need to get a bigger one...

dewt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dewt:
<strong> Problem with that is good rugs are expensive. And eventually you need to get a bigger one...

dewt </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">true <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Add to that the big elephant that is always in the room with us and we probably need a new rug everyday.