Hi. I have been reading posts here for awhile now. My story is that in the fall of 2002, I was taking a class in which I became attracted to my professor and he to me. I was thinking about getting divorced from my husband at the time; I was very unhappy in my marriage. I was too friendly to this prof, I am sure, and we smiled and joked and talked a lot. It may have been an emotional affair or maybe one in the making. I know I was attracted to him and developed an attachment even just from talking over the quarter. It's strange how that happened because we didn't talk about feelings for each other or about my marriage or personal stuff, but I think still we were meeting emotional needs just by talking and encouraging one another.
Some things that helped me later were praying and asking God for help me out of this temptation, changing teachers, talking to my husband about what had happened, telling some friends what happened, avoiding this prof, working on our marriage, and reading posts from here. I go to a different college now and have had no contact with the prof since the last day of class in Dec 2002. I wish I could say nothing physically happened between the prof and me, but one day he came up to me in lab and stood so that his arm touched mine. I should have moved my arm away immediately, but I didn't. I left it there for awhile. I feel really guilty about that and everything that happened. However, I think that moment woke me up though. It helped me see how dangerous things were getting- how I was playing with fire.
I have read a lot of Harley's material. My husband and I are communicating much better now. I am employing SH's suggestions from his books. I am not excusing my behavior with the prof or blaming my husband. I take full responsibility.
From what I described, did I have an emotional affair? Did any of you who wandered feel afraid of the opposite sex now, or of repeating the same mistakes? I find myself afraid of men, and it is challenging because I am in school and have male teachers and there are other male students.

Married 22 years
me - 43
husb- 50
2 children

Hmmmmmm.

Are you comfortable printing out what you posted and showing your H?

If not, then perhaps you have some more work to do to build that REALLY good, affair resistent relationship.

If so, congrats, whether it was an affair or not, you're ready to put it behind you and chalk it up to experience.

One low threshold affair litmus test some use is to imagine their spouse standing next to them whenever they interact with someone of the opposite sex. If they wouldn't be doing what they're doing, then they're treading on thin ice.

It's hard to draw a line in the sand and say HERE is where the A started.

I think Dr. Harley sums it up pretty well when he says In the context of marital infidelity, an affair is however the offended spouse defines it. He goes on to say it's not the definition that's important, it's understanding how and why it happened, and why it hurts the spouse.

You may want to read his entire article.

Rayann,
First off let me say that relatively speaking you are much better off than most FWS on this board. You stopped the R from going physical.I wish my W had stopped at the point that you did. Oh well can't change history.

Did you have an EA? Probably. At the risk of sounding sacraligious here on the MB site I never read Harley's SAA. Instead because I originally thought that my W had had an EA I bought and read "Not Just Friends" by the Shirley Glass.

In her book Dr. Glass states that in her opinion an EA exists if all of the following three items are present: secrecy, intimacy and sexual chemistry.

Secrecy....yeah I'm not sure you ran home and said to your H," hey Honey guess what happened at class today!"

Intimacy....in your post you said that you and the prof both felt close to each other because of the deep conversations that you had. The intimacy was created eventhough the two of you didn't necessarily talk about intimate topics ie the states of your marriages, the foibles of your spouses etc.

Sexual Chemistry.. only you can be the judge but it sounds as if that one touch in class communicated to both of you the sexual chemistry. You yourself knew that "you were playing with fire" and you then avoided the situation by doing the following....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> asking God for help me out of this temptation, changing teachers, talking to my husband about what had happened, telling some friends what happened, avoiding this prof, working on our marriage, and reading posts from here. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As far as your comment is concerned of "being afraid of men." I think what you are saying is that you are worried that you may be tempted again in the future. Are you afraid of this possibility? If so continue to work on your marriage with the tools here on MB.

As far men are concerned, it's all about boundaries. Discuss the boundaries with your H. Waht do you feel comfortable with and what makes your H comfortable? Everyones different. Communicate so ther are no misunderstandings.

If you set and enforce the boundaries most men will read the signals and get the hint. Of course there are the more dense types but that is for another post.

cwmac

Worthatry, Turtlehead, and Cwmac,
Thank you for your replies. I appreciate them.

Rayann,

Accoring to Shirley Glass in her book "Not Just Friends" a platonic friendship edges into an emotional affair when the following three elements are present:

* Emotional intimacy. Transgressors share more of their ''inner self, frustrations and triumphs than with their spouses. They are on a slippery slope when they begin sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage with a co-worker.''

* Secrecy and deception. ''They neglect to say, 'We meet every morning for coffee.' Once the lying starts, the intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage.''

* Sexual chemistry. Even though the two may not act on the chemistry, there is at least an unacknowledged sexual attraction.

Also read this thread. It will give you more insight on the topic.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did any of you who wandered feel afraid of the opposite sex now, or of repeating the same mistakes?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[Edited to include the following]:
Rayann, after my inappropriate friendship with OM I have learned it is not safe at all to be close friends with someone of the opposite sex if your spouse is not included in the friendship. Because of my own weaknesses and vulnerabilities, I know I will never allow myself to be close friends with someone of the opposite sex again except if it is a couple or friend of both me and my H. And still, if it is a friend of both me and H, I will still be very carefull and not allow any boundaries to be crossed again.

<small>[ April 02, 2004, 02:35 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

RayAnn,

I think you did great by walking away. Things were sneaking up on you and and even though you enjoyed the warm and fuzzy feeling, you were smart enough not to pursue it.

How does the saying go, "You can't stop the birds from flying over your head, but you can prevent the birds from building a nest in your yard". I am sure I misquoted that but I think you did exactly that.

You have nothing to be ashamed of and you should tell your husband your experience. He will support you too and it will probably strengthen your trust you have for each other. Like it was stated above, we wish our wives would have done the same.

Midwest,
Thanks for your reply. I told my husband about a week after it happened. I thought he would be so mad at me. He was glad that I had already changed teachers and was taking steps to get away from the temptation. I felt relief after telling my husband, and that the temptation lessened after he knew. It really helped that I had a new teacher because then I didn't have to have contact with the prof. All the credit goes to God because he really helped me in my time of need- He gave me a way out. And I am realy thankful for the way my husband reacted- it also really helped.

Suzet,

Thanks for your post. I think the same way about opposite friendships. Regarding Not Just Friends, there was sexual chemistry between us, at least for sure I felt it, which is all the reason to run. There was secrecy in the sense that I wasn't saying, "Hey honey, I'm attracted to my prof." The intimacy category is the hardest for me to determine. For sure, it was temptation! The Bible says to run away when we are tempted, and that is what I plan to do from now on, that and tell my husband, and of course, pray.

However, like has been said, I will continue to work on our marriage, especially regarding emotional needs, honesty, and communication, and be more alert and discerning to possible problems with men.

I'm really glad I don't have to see the prof at all. My sons go to the college he teaches at, but I only saw him from a distance twice in all this time. I don't know if he saw me.( Sometimes I have to drop my sons off or pick them up at the college.) It must be so difficult for you to have to work at the same place. If there is any way you can change work places, do!

I did go through a withdrawal, and I did feel addicted. It has helped so much to have no contact.

Worthatry,

I will keep in mind imagining my spouse is next to me. It makes sense.

Turtlehead,

How your offended spouse determines the relationship really makes sense too. My husband was glad it didnt get physical(more than the one touch). For him the idea of the physical bothered him more than the emotional. I read that men tend to react more to the idea of the physical, and it is true for my husband. That's not to say that the emotional didn't bother him though. For me, they are both difficult to think about, but I think the physical and emotional had such a strong pull (I felt very tempted), but the emotional was so subtle, so deceptively subtle.

I really hope none of this comes across as justifying or insensitive to any BS; I do not mean to say that at all.

Cwmac,

What you say about boundaries is similar to what my husband says. I need to have really clear boundaries and communicate them. He also says I don't have to be afraid or worry about another man's boundaries if mine are very clear and I enforce them. (He has always been better about setting boundaries then me.)

Thanks you all.