W decided not to speak to SH today so I took it alone. It was the most insightful call to date. He really started to explain his feelings about W. He also validated my inaction when I always felt I should have done something to intercept the ONS or the continuing EA. He told me you were acting out of love. You didn't do anything wrong, you did the only thing you could. And the reason is because I can see what is possible. That a life with her is much more attractive than a life without her.

Aside from the mundane and routine things I need to continue to do to bring the feelings back he went into a little depth about W. He explained she is very independent person and all about making herself happy. He also said infidelity is the most painful thing he has ever come across but he made it clear that he could never get my W to believe that. He assured me that if my feelings were changing I needed to tell him so we could adjust the plan accordingly. Until now much of the counseling has been with her. But the one thing that was the most reassuring he told me I took the right approach in handling her with kid gloves. He said if I had put too much pressure on her she would have ran. That's not to say it wouldn't have been a mistake, but rather it's simply her nature and her tremendous pride would have forced her to run. So it was my best meeting yet. I was very encouraged and feel I'm in very good hands.

WOE

Thanks for posting about the meeting with SH, WOE. I'm glad you feel like you're in good hands.

One thing stood out to me:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said if I had put too much pressure on her she would have ran. That's not to say it wouldn't have been a mistake, but rather it's simply her nature and her tremendous pride would have forced her to run.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I personally tend to try and make everything fit a formula, as if there were a "right" way or a one-size-fits-all.

It's good to be reminded that's not the case.

It's also good to be reminded that there are no right or wrong answers, but rather actions and reactions. To a great extent our actions are controllable but they are still based on who we are and how we are going to act given our histories and the tools available to us at the time.

Every time I read a post of how a session went with Steve or Jennifer I'm just amazed.

Turtlehead, you're right on with this. In my situation (and I told SH this) I know that everyone wonders why I stay with my W. Why I put up with certain things. And I now know even her own family realizes what I am dealing with. But you know what it really never occurs to me. I simply tell them that I love my W very much. That really is enough. It doesn't have to make sense to other people. I really love the end of the movie a beautiful mind. Where the W has put up with his illness for a lifetime. In the end when Russel Crowe accepts the Nobel Prize and points to his W in the audience and says you are ALL OF MY REASONS. That she was the wind beneath his wings. I mean, you kept wondering how did she put up with it, but in the end it wasn't lost on him. He always knew how much she loved him. It just works.

So anyway, yes Steve Harley is that good. I have been very impressed. He is able to differentiate between the reality of my situation and what is normal. He really made me feel good today and I needed that. He can adapt and told me my situation is quite different with regard to W's independent personality. He was quite candid and very flexible with his approach. I look forward to posting more positive counseling results.

WOE -

So glad to hear you're counselling with SH. I have been doing it since January, and find our talks to be exhilerating. I can go into a session feeling the lowest of lows, and SH gently gets me to turn myself around. And that's the thing - he doesn't tell you what to do, he simply asks appropriate questions to help you figure out what's the best thing for you to do.

And when I ask him questions about WH behavior, he knows exactly what he's talking about. He is able to profoundly explain my WH's actions to me in ways that never even occurred to me. He makes me feel like there really is light at the end of the tunnel.

The session fee is well worth it - if for nothing else, then peace of mind. That's how I feel after every session - calm. Like maybe my world isn't so topsy turvy after all. Like there's a rhyme and reason for everything that's happening, and so much hope for the future.

Anyone thinking of counselling with SH needs to make an appointment NOW. It will be the best money you will spend for a long time to come.

WHB, I wholeheartedly agree about couseling with SH. I have been wrestling with this for several years and now I feel I finally have a plan in place. Yes light at the end of the tunnel. I mean this with the utmost respect for my WW but the I can tell you the balance of power is turning in my home. W knows this just won't go away. She has grown weary of throwing up hurdles. She has no defense for SH. He tells her wouldn't it be better for your children if you were in love with your H? And wouldn't it be better for you if you were in love with your H? He makes it all about her happiness and who could argue with that. She feels sure there's an agenda (implementing NC) but that is still not in the forefront. Steve convinced me yesterday that he knows what I'm dealing with. And to ascertain that in the course of a few phone conversations is truly remarkable. I feel pretty good.

WOE,

I am so glad to hear how good C has been for you!! I admire your ability to keep loving. I agree that everyone situation is so different.

I think for my H and I, if the A was brought to the light of day at the beginning, i don't know if H could of put in the amount of effort needed for me to be able to finally believe in us again. Of course, I could be underestimating him. I'm just glad that I was able to break out of the A on my own and learn so much here before he knew about A. Now I'm not saying it was good that my A lasted so long!!! Continuing and continuing as I did was so very wrong. I do think everything is going to work out though.

So don't worry about what others might be thinking about your efforts. Keep being true to yourself.

hey WOE, i had my 2nd session w/SH this morning and we talked a lot about what he would say to my WH if he agreed to talk to SH. Yes, SH also said that he would talk to my H and pose questions to him about what would be ideal and make it about his happiness, and of course plant some seeds of doubt. i just hope that my H will agree to talk to him. haven't brought up the subject yet. will probably try to next week. i'm living in another state (not because of this) so we don't see or talk to each other a lot. I'm trying to be strategic in my conversations.

how often do you counsel w/SH and for how long?

i've gotta go, i don't have computer access where i live right now but will be checking back on monday! everyone have a good weekend and prayers to you!

RR, I have had 6 sessions with SH. It get better. He is impressive. I wish you well. Talk to you on Monday.

WOE

RR, to answer your question I talk to SH every week. I say another poster who is doing two per week. I think once a week is the right pace for my WW. I have been moving so slowly for the last two years that I have to be careful not to go into overdrive now. But I am very happy the way things are moving. Turtlehead brought to my attention that some of W's action are the fact that she is leaving "withdrawal stage" and entering "conflict stage". Not sure I understand these stages but I agree it's encouraging.

just ignore my question on the SH cause and effect post, didn't realize i had already asked it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> i'm starting to question my own stamina to see all this through. it's amazing to hear you've been doing this for 2 years. i'm afraid my sessions w/SH will be limited because of $$ but it doesn't keep me from writing questions down to ask him the next time!

RR, yes, in retrospect it is amazing that I have let this drag on for over 2 years. That says more about me than about WW. I have enabled this through inaction. But I have only been recently counseling with SH because I realize it won't go away by itself and we need professional help. I can tell you I have tried to drag my W into counseling before without success. But to give you another insight into the time it takes to recover I well understand even after we get to the point of NC we will STILL need more counseling to recover. I think that fact will absolutely knock my W over. I think she feels the goal of this is to get her to end contact. But that isn't the goal at all. That's just another hurdle on our way to the GOAL. The goal is to have a better marriage than before the A. I wouldn't be investing this kind of time, energy and money if the goal was only NC. I can pick up the phone at anytime and call OM and tell him I know. Within an instant he'll be gone from our lives. But I NEED W to make him go away. If I do it what has been gained. So keep your eye on the goal of having a better M than before. Just look at this as growing pains. In all fairness to my W, she stood by me and lived in an apartment for 9 years while I continued with a gambling addiction. So it may be easier for me to extend her all this patience and love, not because I think she would do the same for me, but because she HAS done the same for me. Hang in there it will be worth it.

thanks WOE and you're right the ultimate, long-term goal is to have a better recovered M. I guess us newbies just sometimes need to do the little baby-step goal thing. but everyone's situation is unique even if there are similarities. what worked for one may not work for the other and that's why i feel pretty good w/counseling w/SH. just wish he didn't cost so much!