This subject has come up here a few times and recently I stumbled across a website where WS were talking about their A's and several men where sharing their experiences how their BS's tried to change their behaviour etc. once they found out about the A. There were also several OW's on the board and most of them told the WH's that their spouses are only doing this because they want their H's back and once they are sure they are back, then everything will go back to where it was before. I was really shocked to read this because I do not feel that this is true.

I have to admit that my H's EA really caused me to look at myself and how my own behaviour has contributed to the problems in our marriage. This has been extremely painful for me, but in a way I am glad that I was in a way forced to take a good hard look at myself. Within the last 8 months I have made some tremendous changes in myself and I am so proud of that and I would never want my marriage to go back to where it was before or even my own life without hubby.

Do you think that an OW has much power of the WS's by telling him things like this, therefore no matter what the BS does, it is going to be very difficult to get the WS to believe anything the BS is saying or doing. I do honestly NOT believe that many BS's would want to undergo all of these changes just to go back to the way things were.

Please let me know what you all think.

Kati

Well it's been 2 1/2 years for me and very little has gone back to pre-A behavior. Of course he had changes to make too, and as long as neither of us wants to go back or wants the other spouse to go back, then we serve as gentle reminders when pre-A behavior rears its ugly head.

I daresay the changes that revert back for BSs wouldn't come close to the number of changes that would occur in a relationship if one of these WHs married their OP!! Reality would then set in!!

Just like an OP to put that fear right out there: "Ooooh, if you go back it might be better for a little while, but soon enough, he/she will be right back at it and you'll be miserable."

Manipulative talk, that's all that is. Because they really have no earthly idea what will happen in the future. None of us do.

I can only speak for FWH and myself, but our marriage has changed for the better and we are both committed to making sure it never goes sour again. Going on two years. I believe we will be successful. So I guess the OW in our story are out of luck.

~ Snow

thought provoking post Kati, thanks for writing it.

My husband really thought I didn't love him when he met parasite. He says that once I learned of the affair and that he was leaving I did a 180 on him. He didn't think my efforts were sincere. He thought (and she was probably telling him) that I was just trying to keep him here, but didn't mean any of it.

The truth was that I loved him very much, I always have and always will. Realizing that I was losing him was a wake up call! I wasn't "acting" just to get him to stay. I was telling him all the things I should have been telling him all along.

That was over a year ago though we have only been officially back together for just over 3 months. Things haven't and never will go back to how they were before parasite. I LOVE my husband and I will make sure that he knows that for the rest of my life!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think that an OW has much power of the WS's by telling him things like this, therefore no matter what the BS does, it is going to be very difficult to get the WS to believe anything the BS is saying or doing. I do honestly NOT believe that many BS's would want to undergo all of these changes just to go back to the way things were. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely! While the WS is in his/her fog induced drug of choice anything the OP says he will believe. Just like anything WS tells OP, they believe.

My H's OP told him over and over again...
"if go back, it will NEVER be the same, it will only be worse" OR
"once you fall out of love, you cant fall back IN LOVE"...

Isn't it sooo nice of the OP to educate OUR WS's on OUR marriages! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Plus, as my FWH has pointed out...OP does not have the benefit of MB! They dont know the steps! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />