"parasite" being the OW. I know that not all OP's are parasites, I don't even think his previous OW was, but PARASITE fits the OW that he was with last year perfectly! but that's not the point of this post.

My husband has changed drastically since we have been back together. Pre parasite he looked me in the eye when he told me he loved me. I vividly remember times he held my face in his hand and said "I love you very much" not long before parasite came in to his life he was afraid that I was leaving HIM. I remember the tears he cried, I remember the love I could see and feel. I BELIEVED him with all my heart! His leaving was so abrupt! From talking about it to gone in only 2 weeks. He admits that it was a spur of the moment decision that once made, he just stuck to it. He planned it out with her in less than a month, never was any mention of it made prior to that. I was IN SHOCK! He had been saying and doing everything possible to make me feel secure in his love just before he dropped the bomb. At the time I thought he did that to be cruel though I had no idea why he would want to hurt me so. I just couldn't understand why just 2 weeks prior he told me he would never hurt me again and "it's just you and me forever, I promise" now I know that he said those things 2 weeks prior because he wasn't planning to leave me then.. his decision was sudden and way too easy.

He feels guilty over making me feel secure before he left. That might be part of the reason he isn't doing that as much now. He does tell me he wants to be with me forever, but the closeness, the eye contact etc is not there. I worry all the time that he will leave again. I worry that he is keeping his *distance* so that I won't be totally shocked when he does.

I feel like everything I'm doing is a LB. We had lots of talks about how things were going to be when we got back together, made plans and talked about what needed to be done. I feel like ALL of my energy is put into understanding (or trying to understand) what happened. Being here on this board too much is probably a LB. I wake up thinking about what happened and how much I hate his OW, I go to sleep thinking the same. I am CONSUMED by this!

Mine did not leave, but I know what you are going thru.

I am often confused by his actions and words.

I knew we were in a rough patch but had no idea until dday. I just kind of thought it was life stuff and nothing unusual.

Find out the affair had been going on for 2 years!

But during that whole time we were haveing a great sex life, vacationing with family, spending time with friends, holding hands, we were looking at new homes, bought a new car, he gave me flowers on a regular basis, always told me he loved me.

Since DDay he has done the NC, promised to stay, going to MC and IC but our sex life has dwindled, he is MUCH less affectionate. If I ask for hugs or cuddles he makes comments about not being good enough for me so why should he try.

I just plow thru this - most days I keep a smile and make a happy place.

NOT EASY.

I have LB'ed big time a few times. I am sometimes very confused by his actions. I am very frustrated that I am working so hard at this but his timetable is not as fast as mine.

Grit my teeth and smile.....

during last weeks session with our MC I told her that I am starting to think that I need to work on myself to become strong enough to let him go instead of hanging on. I need to get my life together both emotionally and financially so that I can give him what I think he wants. (I went alone, he had an appointment that couldn't be cancelled)

I have struggled with guilt since his affair ended and he and I began reconciliation. I know that I didn't do anything to deserve this, but I feel like he just can't love me the way he should and that's not really his fault <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> While the WS in an affair is being very selfish, maybe too the BS is being selfish by hanging on. What if I have taken all these years from him and he has been unhappy the whole time? He's not going to TELL me that, so I just don't know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by toomanylies:
<strong> during last weeks session with our MC I told her that I am starting to think that I need to work on myself to become strong enough to let him go instead of hanging on. I need to get my life together both emotionally and financially so that I can give him what I think he wants. (I went alone, he had an appointment that couldn't be cancelled)

I have struggled with guilt since his affair ended and he and I began reconciliation. I know that I didn't do anything to deserve this, but I feel like he just can't love me the way he should and that's not really his fault <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> While the WS in an affair is being very selfish, maybe too the BS is being selfish by hanging on. What if I have taken all these years from him and he has been unhappy the whole time? He's not going to TELL me that, so I just don't know. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is a scene at the end of the movie "Bruce Almighty" that really kicked me in the stomach! "God" is asking Bruce if he wants his fiance back (he has the power to control what she does and how she feels) Bruce said "No I want her to be happy" I watched that movie with my husband and I almost started crying during that scene but didn't want to ruin the evening so I held it back..but boy did it hit me hard.

dag nabbit! I did it again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I keep clicking the quotation marks instead of the "edit post" icon. Sorry

<small>[ April 01, 2004, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: toomanylies ]</small>

bump..hoping to get some responses from a WS or 2.

bump again. with 32 people here there has to be a few WS.

bump can anyone give me insight about the change in behavior?

I can't really give you an insight about what your WS is doing, but I see some similarities in our situation. My W has done pretty much what your H has done. The first time we seperated it was because she had been playing an online game(I play it myself) and met someone who was filling her EN's. We ended up seperating because I didn't help her with the housework. This was the main thing she complained about. The last few days I've been thinking about some of the reason she's wanted to seperate and some of the things she has said afterwards... I can understand getting upset when someone is not meeting the domestic support EN, but I don't see wanting to get DV for it. Especially when the other person isn't meeting the same role.

I've started wondering the real reason(Maybe I'm not being clear headed here, 2x4 if needed pls) that she wanted DV in the past. She has said things that led me to believe she just didn't want to be married to me and I over looked them because I didn't want to see them. After being seperated several times I decided to try and move on with my life(which to me dating seemed logical at the time, yes, it was fog) but afterwards when she got a job and figured out it was going to be a harder life without me she came around. I'm still not sure on that part, maybe she geniunely missed me and wanted me back in her life. But I screwed up and felt I couldn't tell her(Yes, I know, grow a set).

Sorry for the hijack.

Maybe I CAN add a little here. After my A's I looked my wife in the eyes and told her I loved her. And I did love her. But if he feels that he can't do that anymore because it hurt you then it could be a reason for him to stop doing it. That same feeling also allowed me to lie to her. I could look her in the eyes and lie because I felt it would be better to keep it from her and avoid the hurt. I know to most people this might sound foreign or a lie in itself, but that's the way it is. People do different things all the time to hurt people they care about and love. There can be a point when you worry so much about the feelings of the other person that you take thier hurt feelings from them and try to manage them. Yes, very unhealthy for both people(Note to self: IT DOESN'T WORK). But maybe your H is trying to do this to/for you.... It can also manifest itself as not being able to look you in the eye because if he tell you how he feels it might hurt you. Also a justification to himself. "If I tell her I'm going to get my head split open with a 2x4(proverbial or otherwise)".

Very complicated, that's my 2c I hope I haven't muddled things up worse <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

toomanylies...When did the A end? If it was just recently, your H may still be going thru withdrawal and CANT open up yet...That is how others on this board have explained it to me. My H's affair just ended 10 days ago and he is somewhat coming around. It is still all ME doing the touching and stuff...but I know in time he will be diong that. You have to "fall in love" all over again...Start from scratch. It's hard I know....It seems as though we as the BS are putting in ALL the effort and geting nothing in retrun, but in the long run it will be worth it. I know! I can see my H coming out of the FOG more and more each day. It will take time to get all that back. I will see if Dad will post on here. Right now I think he is a bit embarrassed from his actions the other day. But I will see if he will give you some insight. Hang in there!

He says PA ended April 03, I have reason to believe it ended June 03. "Friendship" ended around Oct or Nov 03 (I HOPE!)