First of all, let me say that I am a WH, I had an affair during a very stormy situation with a work colleage from late ´02 and ended in Feb´04.

I ended because I realize to things: (1) the one loosing everything was me, she still married, and not planning to divorce. (2) I start to have strong feelings about my BS situation, at the end I still love her and don´t want to hurt her anymore.

But yesterday, I spoke again with OW, there was only a conversation, up to midnight, there was nothing phisical, just talking, we still work together and.... I don´t know.... It was my fault and accept all what will happen.

After I came home W and I spoke and after a few lies, I told her... She was very calm, but visibly affected.... I feel myself smashed.

We took a decision, I will quit my job next week, we will look (already planned) for professional (and also spiritually) help and try to continue our recovery.

Now here is the situation: She asked me to give the name and phone of OW husband... and I don´t know why am I so afraid of that, nevertheless I told her that I will do it tomorrow...

I AM TO COWARD... and I am not going to live thru that situation, so I have some thoughts been organized about what I will do, and end my life is one of it, I will try to make her understand that I WILL NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN and try to convince her not to make that phone call, but internally I think that will make her happy (at least for sometime)... and I accept it.

If that happen, I am not very sure how I will react, but I´m affraid that end is my only option.

Best regards
GB12267

<small>[ April 01, 2004, 07:05 PM: Message edited by: GB12267 ]</small>

Greatbear, NO BUDDY!!!! You cannot do that!!!!! Get off this computer NOW and call 1800 SUICIDE (784-2433) NO NO NO it is not worth it plaease!!!!! You need to talk to someone in person NOW!! I'm begging you to call this number, my hands are shaking please greatbear you'll be okay we will all be there for you it will be ok!!!!!

GB,

The other woman in our case did not have a husband but a steady boyfriend for years. When I told my husband I wanted to call him to let him know what the other woman had done with my husband, my husband told me that he is a violent guy and I could see that my husband was very afraid of me doing that.

You need to tell your wife about your great fears of this.. If my husband told seriously told me he was considering suicide if I told the guy, I definately would not do it, but instead get some kind of help for him.

Suicide only adds more pain to an already painful situation and you don't want to do that to your wife! She's already been through too much.

Yes, you have to work it out so there is NO MORE CONTACT and stick to it. There are solutions to these problems if you are both willing to work at it and NOT give up.

They say to tell the other person's spouse the truth around here, but since you are feeling suicidal over this, THAT must be helped first.

Your wife does not want you to die over this, trust me on that one. Tell her how you feel/your fears and get some professional help FIRST.

Call that number the last poster suggested,,,,immediately!

Salut.

First of all, there are many options. Don't do anything that will remove them. You mentioned that you did not want to hurt your wife anymore. Se suicider? That would hurt her a heck of a lot mroe than your affair.

For me, the pain I caused my wife when I cheated on her was like a major kick in the butt for me that helped me change in so many profound and meaningful ways.

Mon ami, pain hurts, but it can also be a sign that you are going to change some things. It's not easy. No way is it easy, but I'm telling you that it is very much worth the effort.

Four years ago I had an affair and felt very much like you do now. I came here with my wife to try and rebuild my marriage. Below is part of one of my first posts. I'm telling you that what you are feeling does not last forever and that you can heal and not only that but become a better person through it.

This was posted in 1999:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My problem is this;
How can I EVER hope to regain my Love's trust?

My integrity has been pissed away and cannot expect to have my words taken as truth.
I have lost every shred of self respect I ever had. I've jeoprodized my Marriage and Family. Cruelly hurt the Woman of my heart. Despite the probs we have had, she has been a good wife, caring for me and my children (one from another marriage) and put up with me even though (since my Mother's death three years ago) I have been a pathetic loser. In return for this, I have been a LIAR and a CHEATER. And I'm finding it very hard to bear. (some of you are probably saying "GOOD!" and I don't blame you.) I can't exactly turn to my Love for sympathy, so I'm hoping to find others who feel as bad as I do or perhaps have already overcome their probs.Gawd, this has turned into a long introduction. If it seems rambling and disjointed, well, welcome to
my head.

humbled and ashamed </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm telling you that after a few years I found I could hold my head up high. I found that I had learned the true meaning of devotion and love. I'm telling you that I will never cheat again. Nor lie to the one I love. Have hope, mon ami. The road is rough at first, but it gets better. After a while it gets so good that you realize you are a new person.

Have faith.

dewt

great bear you are afraid of the ow's husband? I'm not sure I'm understanding what you wrote but if fear of him could push you to suicidal thoughts, I'm confused! What is the worst he could do? KILL YOU right? So how would killing yourself be better?

I think that everyone is afraid of what the reaction of the betrayed spouse will be, but homicide is very very rarely the end result.

You don't want to cause your wife further pain? Then DON'T even think about suicide! What greater pain could there be for her?

GB ---- Your feelings are understood. A lot of us have been where you are. There is a lot of pain right now and there will be a lot ofpain for a lot of people for awhile; but time will heal the wounds. Believe me. Where there is life there is hope. When I ended my affair I was terribly depressed. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't work, and I was ashamed of what I did and thought my wife deserved better than me. I wanted to die so she could move on to someone else; but that would have been a terribly selfish thing for me to do. Killing myself just to end MY pain was a crazy idea. It's a crazy idea for you too! Call 1-800-SUICIDE or a friend or stay on MB and we'll be here for you.

LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE. IMAGINE YOUR LIFE 5-10-20 years from now and how happy you'll be, how happy you can make other people. THE AFFAIR is NOT the worst ting you could do to your wife ---- KILLING YOURSELF is. Don't worry about the other man. Write a NC letter to the OW and suggest that she and he jump on MB and we'll cool his heels. We'll chill him down. Beliebe me, he's not looking to screw up his life by doing anything to you.

Chill, my friend. Chill!

GB,

I think you need to stop right now and think. Then call a help line to address your feelings. Your W knows the worst, and yet she seems to be willing to move on with you at her side. I don't know if you have children, but leaving them this way will harm them for the rest of their lives.

I know, I have a friend that did commit suicide when he found out about his W's affair. The children although teenagers at the time have never recovered.

So stop, set down, and think. You are through the worst, don't hurt anyone else.

Please call and get help.

JL

Greatbear,

You could reach me via Yahoo IM inside_hacker@yahoo.com then I could give you my cell#. or just Call 1800Suicide. I am on PST time and busy but you will reach me after 9:00PM PST.

You know the consequence of contact and so does OW ... the only way to separate you & OW is to inform OWH to help out.

I would like you to list also what the worst could happen if OWH find out ?.

I challenge you one thing. I would like you to give your life to your W. You told us that you love your W so give your life on your W hand. If she told you to kill yourself then you could do it but your life is not on your hand.

Could you at least do that ?.

-rh-

GB,
Call a crisis line, hospital, 911, police, or talk to any adult at your home. You need to talk to someone. People can help you. Suicidal feelings are temporary. Do NOT act on these suicidal feelings! Suicide is never a good way to go. Praying for you.

Ok Greatbear, It's only been since Feb that you ended with OW. You feel miserable. You are trying to do the right thing. You say that you are the one losing, OW will not leave her H for you. You are sad.You feel guilty. I understand.

I am a FWW myself. The days and weeks following the end with OM were so hard I couldn't believe it.Everything was out in the open and there was no place to hide. I felt horrible about what I had done but at the same time I was so dependent on OM that I felt like my head had been ripped off. In a way it had.

There is a period of time we go through as WS called FOG. It means we are not thinking straight. This is were you are now, Greatbear. I have a feeling it's not the husband you are afraid of, but the OW's feelings and thoughts toward you if she is exposed.

It has to be over, Greatbear. You know that. It wasn't good for you to be in the relationship anymore just like it wasn't for me. Even still,you feel you still love her. There will be a time that you will feel differently and question yourself for even thinking you gave this so much importance in your life.

Do you have children Greatbear? You need to think about the big picture here. This is a crappy time, I know, I know! Don't do anything rash. You may not be able to convince your wife not to expose but even if she does, YOU CAN HANDLE IT! I'm in your corner, Greatbear, we all are. This is a good place to be and we want to hear from you, ok?

GB - you are showing strength by stating your thoughts.

We can help you AND your wife AND the other woman through this time.

You ended it because you are rational and realize the obvious consequences. That's a sign of logic.

I and other BSs here have survived worse than your BS's situation. She can survive and you can help her.

Please talk to us.

Greatbear,

Your value to the world around you is greater than you know.

Pain is temporary, shame and anger abate, time is the great equalizer and time is the one thing you will not have on the path you are considering.

You are a good person who has made bad decisions, there are things that you don't want to do to make it right but ending your life will never give you the chance at growth and renewal.

The pain will end in time.

The courage to face the problem will make you stronger.

At the end of this pothole strewn road your on is a rainbow. Your S still wants you, they want to make things right. Thank your lucky stars and revel in their love.

You are a lucky person indeed to have such a caring and strong person at your side, draw on their strength and grow your own bit by bit.

You can face this demon and win!

Stay Strong, Enjoy your Spouse's love and help her heal

BrokenHubby

The first thing required for complete and total recovery is total honesty.

For total recovery, you must commit to doing whatever it takes to save the marriage.

You made this nest and now you are going to have to live in it. No it is not going to be fun. Recovery is not easy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But yesterday, I spoke again with OW, there was only a conversation, up to midnight, there was nothing phisical, just talking, we still work together and.... I don´t know.... It was my fault and accept all what will happen.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I almost laughed when I read this. Let's get real here... Only a conversation until midnight? nothing physical? Is this honest? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> From past experience, and believe me, I have plenty of it, I find this next to impossible to believe.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I ended because I realize to things: (1) the one loosing everything was me, she still married, and not planning to divorce. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If this is the case, what could there have been to talk about all that time?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I AM TO COWARD... and I am not going to live thru that situation, so I have some thoughts been organized about what I will do, and end my life is one of it, I will try to make her understand that I WILL NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN and try to convince her not to make that phone call, but internally I think that will make her happy (at least for sometime)... and I accept it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you ever told your wife before that you would not contact her again? And did you? So what makes this time any different? Why should she believe you now? You were not true to your word before. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Are you really too coward? Or is protecting the OW more important to you than your wife's feelings and needs.

Is this OW that important to you that you would end your life all because of her?

If you truly want your marriage, you have got to realize the enormous hurt you have caused....

And then comes doing whatever it is you have to do to make it up to your wife.

Don't be coward, step up and show your wife what a MAN you can be, the man she loves and needs.

<small>[ April 01, 2004, 08:23 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

Great bear you need to check in NOW! I know you are new here, but you really need to acknowledge that you are here and reading these posts. We want to help. WHERE ARE YOU?WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HAVE YOU CALLED ANYONE YET?

You will get through this. Where there is life there is hope.

Thanks to all, I could not tell either if I feel better or not... I just can tell you that we are going tomorrow to our first IC help and I will try to pull out this issue...

I will wait until tomorrow... and see what happen, we don´t have childrens and I understand about my W feelings after, and not only hers, also my family... It is just my only getaway!

I´m not affraid of OW husband, I just don´t want to live that situation!

I promise you all, that I´ll post during tomorrow my main feelings and possible reactions.

gb- NEVER threaten to take your life from God. or your wife. or your family. but most of all- from yourself. that is a final choice and the unforgivable one. stand up and be the man we know you were and can be again. you are NOT alone- reach out and accept what can be a wonderful life again with the mate of YOUR choice. you owe yourself more than you are giving- and you have got to stand up and embrace the woman who has given her best and still is giving her best- everything she has for YOU. how can you even think of hurting her more? and yourself! haven't you harmed yourself enough? she wants you WHOLE and together and is willing to do whatever it takes to help you- give that back to her- give that gift of life to YOURSELF and your MARRIAGE and do it now. you do not have the right to take your life- don't tell us you are a coward- STAND UP and do the right thing. so many people are now and have been praying for you.....read Philippians- I can do all things through God who strengthens me. I'll be looking for you tomorrow morning- posting a LIVE answer !

PEACE OUT ...and IN !!

Okeedokey, my friend, but we BETTER see you here tomorrow.

Listen , life sucks sometimes. That's just the way it is. Things don't always go like clockwork. Look at what happened to JOHN LENNON. He was shot down at 40 years old! He was married, had 2 children, and friends and a fmaily ... and one day he was gone. There was no turning back. Make a list of all the things you want to accomplish in your life and go after them. Look back on your life in years to come with pride and accomplishments. Let your present and future relatives be proud of you. This is a whole new day for you.

ACT II BEGINS TODAY! Be excited about all the possibilities in front of you. The road ahead is more exciting and interesting than the one behind you. Believe me.

My A drained me dry. The OW robbed me and my fmaily of my time, $$$ and pieces of my life. But now I am at the top o my mountain. I can look around at the landscape arround me and see what I have done and what is ahead of me. And I am looking forward to the future. The future is more important than the past because that is where I am going to spend the rest of my life. And that is where you will be too. All of us.

Thank you Greatbear, so relieved to hear from you. Try to get a good night's sleep, ok? This is real for us too, so take comfort that all who read and respond have you and your wife in our thoughts and prayers. Talk to you tommorrow. KB

Greatbear,
I am glad to hear from you too. We will be praying for you & your wife. Be sure to let the counselor know how you are feeling. We look forward to hearing from you tomorrow.

Lies are exhausting.

Aren't you exhausted?

I know I was. I had to have my life back. I couldn't deal with the lies anymore. I never considered ending my life, but there were plenty of days I wished it would end.

When you tell the OW it is over, and then contact her again, you are lying to the OW.

When you tell you wife there will be no more contact, and you do contact her, you are lying to your wife.

Everybody loses. You, your wife, OW, her husband...

Everybody is hurt

The truth will set you free...


the complete truth

all of it...

you can have peace

<small>[ April 01, 2004, 08:56 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>