Greatbear,

Please know we DO care!! YOU matter! And you CAN and will make it through this!!!

GB,

Read Surviving an Affair, then read it again. There's so much great advice in there about how to rebuild your marriage.

You can survive this. But there are things you must do.

1. Be completely honest with your wife. If you're always honest with her, it becomes impossible to cheat. Honesty includes telling the truth even when she doesn't specifically ask things. Answer all her questions. Tell her if you even happen to see OW across the street. If you hide these things from her, you'll cause further damage.

2. Do the No Contact letter and stick with it. No contact for any reason.

3. Make your life completely open to you wife. Give her full accountability for every moment of your day. Be available any time she calls.

4. Take a very hard look at why you gave yourself permission to go outside the marriage. Then figure out how to fix that.

SAA has more great advice, but those are a good start. Keep posting here and there are people who will do our best to help you.

GB its quite common to have thoughts of suicide when you face something like this.

Please understand your wife could be having those same feelings as well.

Would you want her to end her life?

Feelings of suicide are actually stronger in a betrayed spouse compared to a wayward spouse.

So imagine what will happen to her when you add the pain of suicide to the pain of the affair.

If you love her you will NOT DO THIS TO HER.

That's right you would be doing this to her. You would be gone and she would be stuck with the pain. The pain of the affair and not being able to come to terms with it. The blame she will feel for insisting on telling OW's husband. She will blame herself for your death.

I hope you love her enough not to do this to her....you might end your pain but you will triple hers.

dear GB----i need to ask for more than anyone has. i need the whole story. i dont want the readers digest version. you need to explain to us in more detail what happened and why you are where you are.

quite honestly up till now you seem to have been fine---now that it may come out to all to want to end your life. im not buying it. your wife has been through the worst hell you can imagine. now because of embarrasment and shame you want a way out---how do you think your wife feels in all this?? have you thought how abandoning her again is gonna affect her, and the two families?

if you truelly want a way out we can give it to you. its not easy.....but it does work.

give us the story and let us help. and also....if your wife doesnt know about us...direct her here.

GB:

Suicide.


It is a stark and brutal word.


I know the pain you are feeling. I disagree with the poster that said the BS has stronger feeling of suicide, some may, others no. Some have their anger and there need to punish and that becomes a new direction for their lives. Others have terrible hurt, but want to recover and go on with life . . . it seems that your wife is one of the latter. Good for her, and you.

During the mess that was my life I had these feeling of self-destruction too. I just wanted it all to end. I wanted to feel nothing at all. This is going to be one terrible, painful ride.

Don’t go out of life a suicide. Think of what your wife will feel when she finds your body. Do you really wish to do that to her?

Talk to her about this. She is your wife . . . your best friend. What would you do if your wife approached you with thoughts of suicide? You would try to help, no? Let her help you.

Update, please.

Ok Greatbear, where are you??? Check out the time on this post! I am up and thinking about you and not happy you didn't check in!! You'd better be snoring in bed. Life's has it's ups and downs and this is downtime for you right now. We've ALL been there, buddy. So, GB please let us know even if it's a quickie that you are okay. Thinking of you, KB

GB - please let us know - I am a BS, and if my H had done what you are threatening to do, it would have been even worse. I know from personal experience that the suicide of loved ones is NOT something you ever "get over". Please don't do this to the people who love you - not only your wife, but your parents, aunts and uncles, and your brothers and sisters (if you have them).

Shame is something you can lay to rest by rebuilding your own self-respect. You have the power to do that - you have already shown the willingness to look at your own life - and that is the most important thing. You are not powerless in the face of temptation, either - you are in withdrawal right now, and it will take some time to get through this phase. But you can make it.

On this forum, as you have seen, many of the posters are former WS - many have posted to you - they know what you are going through. There are people here who can help you.

Please let us know how you are.

LIR

Allow me to tell you that in a very special way, each one of you expand my points of view and thank you for that, I´ll quote some of your shares and let you know what I felt and how it change my decisions:

Last_Straw
______________________________________

Suicide only adds more pain to an already painful situation and you don't want to do that to your wife! She's already been through too much.
________________________________________

redhat
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I challenge you one thing. I would like you to give your life to your W. You told us that you love your W so give your life on your W hand. If she told you to kill yourself then you could do it but your life is not on your hand.
________________________________________

stunned-dad-fast recovering
________________________________________

Please understand your wife could be having those same feelings as well. Would you want her to end her life?

So imagine what will happen to her when you add the pain of suicide to the pain of the affair.

That's right you would be doing this to her. You would be gone and she would be stuck with the pain. The pain of the affair and not being able to come to terms with it. The blame she will feel for insisting on telling OW's husband. She will blame herself for your death.
________________________________________

Comfortably Numb
________________________________________

Don’t go out of life a suicide. Think of what your wife will feel when she finds your body. Do you really wish to do that to her?

Talk to her about this. She is your wife . . . your best friend. What would you do if your wife approached you with thoughts of suicide? You would try to help, no? Let her help you.
________________________________________

Thank you, all of you make me realize that it will end my situation, but I will multiply my wife feelings (not only in quantity and timeframe)

Susan, You are right... I was not been completly honest and I am absolutely exhausted...

Once again, here is an update of our situation:

Yesterday we went to our first IC this year, it was very tought but I almost sure it will help us. This doctor recommend us to have a psyc. profile and we both went yesterday. Now we have our next meetings this next monday.

W and I agree on that I will find her OWH information and she will tell when W will call, and that day I hope to be more focus and thinking clear, I know with all your help I will.

Knewbetter, thank you for your follow-up and support. Redhat thank you also your open a direct channel of communication, I promise when I need it, I will use it.

To all, I believe is time to re-think again and start building upon our relationship, most of you are the proof that it is possible, also as you mentioned, it is a hard road... but it is absolutely worth it.

I´ll keep you post it, and once again... WE WILL BE IN CONTACT....

GB

PS: my W told my about this site, and now I believe how much write, read and share can help.

GB -

Please stick with us. This program does work. I have been going through this for a year. I went from throwing WH out, to hating him, to being numb and not caring about him, to caring about him again.

But after all this time, we are both happy again and hopeful for our marriage. It is a real rollercoaster, but worth it in the end.

im glad you came back--shows strength.

now start giving us the whole story. we all have to start at the beginning. i believe you can heal this. the hardest part is having a willing partner. YOU'VE GOT THAT!!!! your wife is still home, she is doing counseling, and sounds to be trying to save the marraige also. that is the biggest hurdle, having a willing spouse. build from there.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Susan

P.S. It took me a while to learn this lesson, but when you are feeling sad and lonely, contacting the OW really does not help anything. She is not a solution to any problems and feelings you may have.

It is not worth it.

The truth always comes to light and it really, really causes more permanent pain, hurt and setbacks than any temporary pleasure you may receive.

Blessings to you in your recovery.