Is it ever a good idea to confront the other woman? Making her feel guilty about what she is doing. Thanks

I understand what you are saying, but you cannot make anyone do anything. Usually the OP is as foggy as the WS.

SS

probably depends on who the ow is. My husbands ow never felt any guilt even though I cried in front of her. Remember that it takes a certain type of person to do this to another, guilt isn't likely.

I tried to appeal to whatever small sense of compassion she might have had and all that I got from her is "he doesn't love you, people fall out of love all the time" she said that with a smug smile on her face. then she casually went about her business (she was at work) smiling and talking with co-workers and totally ignoring my existance.

this is a topic that is spoken about alot .

LIKE said above you can not MAKE OP feel anything ,or think differently they are foggy as well as WS or they are one of those who truely think I owe you nothing I am not M to you .

SO with that said, JMVHO is this is a personal choice , I looked at as I wanted my presents known . I wanted to say my peace even if it would fall on deaf ears.

Some may feel they will get there CLOUSURE .

Some can't live with that FACELESS person , you know the I got to know about them .

So like I said , I feel it is up to the indivdual , there is good and bad that can come from it .

There is a thread sround here about confronting the OP . I think it is by "WORTHATRY "

I don't know how to do that link thing .

Is this an issue of yours or just want to know opoin thing ?

Well thats my 2cents .

Thanks alot for your insight. Since she is heavily involved in church, etc. I felt that maybe if she could see or hear the pain that she is causing another person, she would see her error. She is presently going through a divorce so I can understand how my husband's attention is welcome. I just want her to see the pain she is causing also.
Thanks

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Spider Slayer:
<strong> I understand what you are saying, but you cannot make anyone do anything. Usually the OP is as foggy as the WS.

SS </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not trying to make her do something, just a little encouragement in the right direction (smile) Thanks

I have been counseling with Jennifer from MB. I can pass along what she told me when I asked her the same question. She said that OP is just as addicted as WS. They both know they are adulterers...they both know (even if it is deep down) that what they are doing is morally wrong. Really there is nothing you can say to get through to OP. Jennifer does not recommend confronting OP. I have read from other MBers that felt they "needed" to confront the OP. I guess it depends on what you need to carry on. My thought is that it will only cause you more pain - you are bound to hear "fog" talk that will hurt you and it is doubtful anything you say will have an affect. Just my 2cents.

Thank you for that. When I read your message, it startled me at first because the OW's name in my case is Jennifer. It's just hard to believe that these affairs could cause people (OW & WP) to lose their minds; good sense. SH articles have really helped me, in particular when he talks of these affairs as addictions and how people go through withdrawals, etc. The bad part is you go from being compassionate to feeling stupid for even caring - since the perpetrators are causing you pain. It is such an emotional tug of war - constantly wondering what will be the results if I do this or that...sometimes it feels like it's time to pick up my marbles and go home. If it could only be that simple. (smile) Thanks

Jasmine,

Like everyone else here has said, the OP won't hear what you have to say. They have their own version of reality that they subscribe to, and you'll just be seen as a pathetic raving lunatic.

You say the OW is in the process of D. I still think it would be a good idea to contact OW's H and tell him that OW is involved in an A with your H. OW's H may not care, but he may be able to tell you how to contact her parents, and then you can expose the A to them.

You say she is heavily involved in church... get some concrete evidence (not just your word against hers) and go to your priest, pastor, elders, or whatever and expose the A to them.

REMEMBER the purpose of exposure is NOT to get back at OW or to "make her pay". It's to inform people who may be influential in OW's life, in hopes that they can encourage her to end the A so that you can work on your M.

Is it ever a good idea to confront the other woman? Making her feel guilty about what she is doing.
Actually, I was responding directly to your words. That is how you phrased it. You cannot make anyone feel guilt. That is something that comes from within. It is also a mindset.

If I could have made my H or OW feel guilty enough to leave each other alone, the A would have ended on D-day 3 months ago!

Maybe you are not entirely clear on what you expect to gain from a confrontation with OW.

Lots of love and support. Just sharing my experience.

SS

the OW in my case is 20 yrs old (never been married as far as i know) and still lives at home. i went to talk to her parents and hope to make sure they knew and appeal to their sensibilities (for lack of a better term). well i went to their house (didn't tell my H what i was doing)and found out they already knew. i ended up only talking to the mom. i made it very clear that what was happening was wrong, i was going to fight for my M and i loved my H. i didn't bash her daughter or my H. It was one of the most difficult things i've had to do but i'm glad i did it.

i'll agree w/turtlehead, it's an individual choice. i would be more inclined to go w/exposing to the church. i've had 2 sessions w/SH (the 2nd one was just this morning) and one thing you have to think about is that you (i assume anyway) want to paint a good picture of yourself to your WH, so that you can deposit LU when able, or at the very least not make anymore withdrawals.

it's a tough choice and i feel for you. i don't know if you are in counseling or not or can afford to counsel w/SH but if you can you should and he would be able to give you immediate professional feedback specific to your situation. good luck and prayers to you.

I appreciate your words. I was thinking about doing just that. My only concern is when I do contact a fellow church member or parents, I can imagine her first response will be to notify my husband. Won't that cause a withdrawal from the love bank with my husband. I'm sure he will be upset, "causing her discomfort (aargh!!)"

J

Roughroad,
Thanks for the words. My husband and I agreed to begin counseling with SH next week. H realizes he needs to get rid of OW before we can progress. H said that the only way he can see himself getting rid of her is if she somehow came to hate him. I'm trying to figure out a way to get OW to hate him ...

J

wow that sounds so great that is what he is saying, i'm sad to say i'm envious that you H is at least in that mindset. i'm going to be posting a topic on the OW here sometime today, not going to give away my title yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but i think it will get a lot of replies and maybe it might give you some ideas.

Roughroad,
It is good that someone can see some good in this situation. I guess it's a good idea to look at each step from more than one perspective - thinking that it is good for him to have even considered trying to get the OW out of his life is a step in the right direction instead of being totally frustrated with the fact that he can't go cold turkey and leave her alone.

J

I'm trying to figure out a way to get OW to hate him ...
STOP!
Stop worrying about her and what you can "do" about her. She may be part of the equationn but she is NOT part of the solution.

Also, remember that your h has some feelings for her and if you are the nasty towards her, then it may build a bit of resentment by him.
Let him see her for what she really is.
You NEED to be the bigger person here.