FL,
I hope you got a little sleep. I can really sympathyze with you. I can't remember how many sleepless nights I had, but I hated them all. I saw your latest thread and can't add much to it. Like I said before, I try to avoid bringing guilt to my W, because it just brings the A to the forefront. I am not saying you should ignore what happened, but I really beleive in creating a safe haven where both spouses can feel safe to talk to each other about anything. The real healing comes from God. If we continue to stay locked in the A, it will just cripple us.

I have read alot of various books on M. It seems many are trying to get couples to focus on creating the M you want as opposed to confronting the A. When building a new M, alot of the old problems will get solved.

My vision of M is very different than what I thought was okay before. First, I want a M that honors God. I want to love my wife according to God's command in Ephesians 5, that I love her like Christ loved the church and that He sacrificed Himself for her. That kind of love is without condition and without fail. Also, there are guidelines for the W. She is to love her H as she loves God. Both spouses are tied to each other through their love for god. The bottom line is mutual submission to each other.

Will my W ever love me like that? I don't know. I do know that she might if I follow God's guidelines for M. He won't force her, but He will lead her. Its up to me to create the atmosphere necessary for her to respond to my love. That means I have to forget myself and my needs for a time until she is ready to meet them. When I feel weak and angry b/c my needs are not being met, I can go to God to have them met. He will deliver the grace I need to endure. It is how we grow more intimate with God. It is how we encounter God.

My vision for M includes a deepening intimacy and a growing relationship. I want to be a giver in my relationship with her. I need to build a M where I can give even when it hurts, even when I am wronged. But I will not compromise my obedience to God.

I know you are thinking about your M all the time. Have you thought about your vision for M? Where does God fit in? Right now I doubt your H will be receptive to your vision, but over time he will be able to see it.

The way I see it, we have an opportunity to do things better now that our lives are changed. I will not waste this experience and settle for a lesser M. I won't do it. I will do everything to save my M and strive to have a better M. It will take time and most likely years. We did everything wrong before and I won't go back there. Just think about what you want and how you will influence your H to join you. It won't be easy and it will take resolve. You have that resolve.

I know the changes you make in your life will bear fruit. The principle you reap what you sow is true for relationships. I never intended this post to be this long, but I guess I had alot to say. Stay postive and keep moving forward. Oh and don't for get to smile.

Christ's Love
Roman

thanks for checking in with me roman.

i'm doing ok, much better today actaully, sleep does help. i came to work late today, i woke up at regular time, took shower but then went back to bed. the extra hour helped.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have read alot of various books on M. It seems many are trying to get couples to focus on creating the M you want as opposed to confronting the A. When building a new M, alot of the old problems will get solved.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i was actually thinking about that this morning. a big part of me feels like i should not be happy around H, i cheated on him and he is in great pain, if i acted happy right now, wouldn't that make him feel like i don't care? and i was letting my actions be tainted by that thought. Driving in I starting thinking maybe he needs me to be happy around him. he needs to see how glad i am that all this is out and we are really moving into a future that is brighter. because although i do feel so sad about his pain, i am very happy this is all out and we have the chance to move into a brighter future.

Where does God fit into a marriage?... Something I always missed about our old marriage is that we did not go to church regularly together and we did not talk much about God or our faith. Over the past 2 yrs, H has made an effort to come with me now. We also started holding hands during the service which is very meaningful for me. H will always be on the more private side but I feel we are making progress.

i just talked to H on phone and asked him "is it ok for me to be happy, i am so glad this lie is no longer between us, i feel happy, but i am also very sad due to his pain and i feel conflicted." he said YES, it is definitly good to feel happy.

FL,
I wanted to comment on part of your post to Roman.

You mentioned that you are reticent to appear happy around your H right now because of his pain.

I'm in sales and one of the interpersonal techniques that they teach is for a person to "mirror" the client. In this case you're right you probably don't want to dance around the house acting as happy as the village idiot. He'll react negatively to your non-empathetic ways.

Having said that try mirroring your husband but with a 10 percent more positive attitude. It'll take awhile but it may eventually pull him up to your level. Of course slowly over time as he improves you can increase the degree of positive attitude that you display around him.

Just a thought. Probably worth a try. Remember patience. Try not to get frustrated and start spouting the "get over it quick" attitude.

The one thing I can't get my W to understand is that even when there are back slides we are still slowly making forward progress. She just gets upset due to the guilt and thinks we are back at square one.

Hope my experience can somehow help.

cwmac

R - great post!

FL - Happy? Perhaps "grateful" is something your H wants to see. You are grateful to have released this terrible burden, to have turned to him (although it was painful to him for you to do so), and are grateful he is there for you. Grateful he is there to help you grow beyond this.

Not grateful for a "second chance" but grateful for a "new beginning"

Displaying your true emotions is being honest. Honesty in your M is one of your primary goals, right? I agree, you shouldn't be going around doing the happy dance, (I don't think you're doing that anyway), but it's more than ok to be yourself, be real.

He knows your "happiness" lies in your relief of no longer keeping such deceit.

cwmac, thanks for the suggestion, it is a good one. regarding "Try not to get frustrated and start spouting the "get over it quick" attitude." I am no where thinking he needs to "get over it quick" I am still in the, "thank you so much for being open to working this out" phase.

But, in case I start to feel like he needs to "get over it already" i'll post here first and let you all remind me (with 2x4s if needed) that patience, patience and more patience is manditory for success.

uphill, i agree. grateful for a second chance.

ad, thanks for your continued support too.

I really am looking forward to a nice weekend. I'm leaving here shortly to start weekend early. the weather is very nice. H and I are going to hopefully get in some hammock time.

roman, a night or two ago, when we were posting at the same time in the two different threads, you said something about me sounding so defeated and you wished you could be of more help.

I am not sure if you saw my final posts in those threads and they are buried deep in the list now.

I just wanted to say. I was tired, and i guess a bit down, but i was not then nor am i now nor do i intend to allow myself to be defeated <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

AND, you (and all the other loving souls on this board) help emmensly!!!! and i thank you.

now i am leaving for the weekend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> love to you all.