I guess I am in Plan A, but I'm not sure what to do. My W has ended the PA (they were together twice), but she refuses to stop talking to him at work. They have stopped talking on the phone and e-mailing and going to lunch (I can monitor these things) but they won't stop talking to each other at work. The OM's W and I have both asked them to limit contact to "work only" and they pretended they were doing that for a while, but I have since learned from my W that they talk a lot during the day. She told me "I am not going to stop talking to him". I don't know what to do. I know that things will never move forward with us until she has NC with the OM, but if I insist on that she will leave me. For right now I have asked her to at least tell me whenever she talks to him. I think she probably tells me about half the time. Also, she has basically told me that if he decided to leave his wife she would have a hard time not going to him. She tells me that she gets very upset whenever he tells her that he and his W had a good night or weekend or whatever. So, am just supposed to work on Plan A while my W says to my face that she will not stop talking to him? I have read SAA but I guess I just don't get it. Seems like nothing good can happen until NC is established. So I just have to live like this for 6 months and then I can move to Plan B?

Card1 you need a NC in order for her show that she is comitted to your marriage. I'll make you feel better. I'm in Plan A and my W lives with OM now which to me seems hopeless. Yours is home so at least you have a chance. Tell your wife it hurts you when she talks to him, or try counseling with your W to see if that works. More people will come along with better advice then mine I just give basics. Good Luck

Cards,
As long as there is contact, your W is in the A. You need to make it clear that any contact is not going to be tolorated. I don't you and the OM's W realize that any contact just continues the A. You W will not commit to you until she goes through the NC stage. Even after NC is established, their working together is a problem. Does the company they work for have a problem with this? Potential law suits etc. The light of day is a powerful weapon that you can use. The 6 months is a good target, but with them working together, you have no chance of lifting the fog. Most affairs last 2 years. Are you willing to wait it out?

Please don't count on plan B. According to this site it is very risky and is a kind of last resort. What do you do. Tell your W you will fight for her and that you will win. Tell her you won't leave and that she must quit her job. The OM's W needs to do the same. If somehow the employer finds out, they may get fired. You need to pull out all the stops and do what it takes to stop contact. My w's fog did not lift for 6 months and there was very little contact, like once a month.

Above all think out every move and don't rely on your emotions. No anger or judgements. If you can't do that just stay quiet until you are ready again. You don't want to push her away, but she does need to see the damage she is doing
to you. It is entirely up to you to save your M.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Cards1,

Our DD was 1/16/03. WW just agreed to quit her job after constant complaints from me. The OM works with her and the contact never ended and won't end till she leaves. Don't give up. We lose our insurance and her income by her quitting but with the OM in the picture, our M doesn't have a real chance to rebuild. I accept the lost insurance and income at this point as damage control. Remember, there are no winners with these Affairs, just survivors and losers.
Try and survive.

Good Luck.

Midwest

<small>[ April 02, 2004, 04:35 PM: Message edited by: Midwest101 ]</small>

Thanks for the replies. Here's my dilemma. I know contact has to end, but she will leave me before she quits that job. So, I either keep her at home and she sees the guy every day, or I tell her she has to quit and she will move out, guarenteed. I will do anything. I will move to another state, another country, whatever, but she will not even consider transferring departments. Part of it is that she is not willing to have NC with the OM and part is that she is very career driven. I could probably expose the A and get one or both of them fired, but she would leave me and never forgive me. Sort of between a rock and a hard place here.

I tell her she has to quit and she will move out, guarenteed.
Nothings guaranteed.
Why couldn't she just ignore you about quitting?

I could probably expose the A
You ABSOLUTELY, positively need to do this.

and get one or both of them fired,
Maybe, maybe not. But you aren't the one having the affair, so telling is doing something wrong.
If you told on someone who was a murderer, does that make you a bad person?

but she would leave me
Doubtful. She would be upset.

and never forgive me.
Quit talking such absolutes when everything is so far from absolute.

Sort of between a rock and a hard place here.
Not at all. You are just misinterpreting the "rock" and the "hard place".
You seem to think that anything you do will result in "guaranteed" this or that.
Are you happy with things as they are now?How can it get worse than your wife continuing an affair with someone she works with and sees EVRYDAY?!?

<small>[ April 02, 2004, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Ok, so maybe I'm being a bit melodramatic. Do you really think it's better to expose the A to their boss and risk both of them leaving their families to be together? I talk to the OM's W and it sounds like he seems to be more commited to his family than my W is to me. What if he is about to commit fully to his family and cut off all contact but I jump the gun and cause unneccesary problems? Also, he is the sole provider for his family, so if he did get fired I would be hurting an innocent W and 2 innocent kids.

Do you really think it's better to expose the A to their boss
Absolutely. It should be exposed to EVERYONE who knows them, not just he boss.

and risk both of them leaving their families to be together?
This is a separate issue.
Will they be pissed off? Absolutely! But you are not doing it for revenge or the get even. Simply informing everyone of the facts.

I talk to the OM's W and it sounds like he seems to be more commited to his family than my W is to me.
And if he was put into a situation where he may have to consider being with your wife, he would run like a rabbit home to his own wife & kids.

What if he is about to commit fully to his family and cut off all contact but I jump the gun and cause unneccesary problems?
You are not "causing" problems. The problems are already created by them. Besides, if he is contemplating dumping your wife (how does this sound?). How will telling on them make him change his mind about leaving his wife when he sees the crapola it brings up?

Also, he is the sole provider for his family, so if he did get fired I would be hurting an innocent W and 2 innocent kids.
How would you be hurting any? They would not get fired because you told.
If they were to get fired (doubtful), it would be because they are having an affair.
As soon as they actually have to deal with life, they will see the affair is not a real smart thing to do.

<small>[ April 02, 2004, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris, thanks for the advice. You make a lot of sense. I'm not saying that I'll go out and tell everybody tonight, but I am starting to see the errors in my logic. One last thing. My W has seen two different counselors. I saw the first one also, but seperately. Both counselors said that we should not tell anybody and we should work on this on our own. Of course,the first counselor dumped us after one session each because she said she was too busy and we were not in crisis. She told me that our marriage was fine, my W just had to make up her mind to work on it. The second counselor is seeing my W only and says that it's not a good idea for me to come along because my W needs to figure out what makes her happy on her own. So, I'm not sure how much stock to put in their advice. Anyway, thanks again for your input.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cards1:
<strong> Ok, so maybe I'm being a bit melodramatic. Do you really think it's better to expose the A to their boss and risk both of them leaving their families to be together? I talk to the OM's W and it sounds like he seems to be more commited to his family than my W is to me. What if he is about to commit fully to his family and cut off all contact but I jump the gun and cause unneccesary problems? Also, he is the sole provider for his family, so if he did get fired I would be hurting an innocent W and 2 innocent kids. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">why are you expending all this energy trying to talk yourself out of taking action? If you are so busy looking for the easy way out of everything, you will get what you deserve: absolutely nothing. You need to take some action here and move forward and quit scaring yourself with all these WHAT IFs. Tell your wife if contact doesn't end, you will expose, expose, expose.

Lay down your boundaries NOW or you can look forward to living like this for years. Until she dumps you because she has no respect for you. Women don't like men they can walk all over.

The affair is being carried on right under your nose because you won't do a damn thing to stop it and she knows it. As long as she is in contact with him, the affair is still going on.

If he gets fired from his job, it will be for ADULTERY and nothing else. You didn't commit adultery, he did.

<small>[ April 02, 2004, 07:58 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Card1,

I hope you are listening to Chris and Melody. They are giving you the straight skinny.

Permit me to remind you of something, you don't have to do plan A for 6 months. Dr. Harley states if the WS sits on the fence, then it is time for plan B. Most go to it too late.

Further, in line with what Chris was mentioning. Let me ask you. If a year ago, I asked you what you would do if you found out your W had an A, what would you have said? If I then told you she would continue it after you found out, what would you have said?

If I told you that she wants to have her cake and eat it too, what would you have said or would say now?

Things are not a easy or clear are they? You are very likely doing things far differently than you might have thought you would a year ago.

So let's consider telling the work place. You could talk to OM's W, and explain that you have had enough, and that you are going to tell his and your W's boss about the affair. And you can point out that you see little change in the situation as they constantly have contact and essentially have continued their affair. So it is time to seek some assistance in ending the affair, unless OM or your W decides to do it. A threat? Perhaps, as statement of your willingness to seek more help in ending the affair, you bet.

If your W's career is more important than her marriage and her family ( I don't recall if you have children ) then you don't and won't have much of a marriage. She will continue to abuse you as long as you allow it as Melody says. WS's aren't big on respecting their BS's while the A is on.

So please consider your actions in light of what you have been told. I think the counselors are trying to see what makes HER happy, not what makes your marriage work. You need a new counselor.

Please think on this. It is a difficult situation, it has risks IF you thinnk you have a marriage now, but the risk is far less if you realize you don't have a marriage now and will not as long as OM is in the picture. In that light your risks are minimal.

I wish you the best.

God Bless,

JL

Cards1,

The fear of me exposing my wife and her bf at her work was the tool that caused her to tell me the detailed truth of her relationship with the OM. She threatened to leave me forever if I told her boss and co-workers. The WS's fear exposure the most but that is the tool to break up or disrupt the Affair. My case was a stair stepped approach. Get the information, find out what I am up against, and then try and break them up to save our marriage.

The strawbreaker for me which made me insist she quit her job was the day her and I were going to MC and her BF showed up in the parking lot. He drove his car in front of me slowly, looked at me, and drove away fast in a taunting manner.

He was still making a play for my wife and he wanted me to know he was still around. My WW told him the time, date, location, the the name of our counselor. I knew the A was not over even though she said it was. Prior to this, she told me she was only making small talk to him at work which proved untrue.

I couldn't take it anymore and said enough is enough, get away from him now or I am going to both of your bosses tomorrow and you will both be totaly exposed to everyone. She told me she hated me many times for this but she reluctantly gave her notice to quit.

You have to assume your wife's A is still going on or she would include you in the MC. You have to assume she is continueing to lie to protect her relationship. My wife tried like mad to negotiate her ability to keep her "friend" because they were so close. They will tell you anything to keep their relationship together but it will be at your expense.

Good luck.

MW

Cards, you got some excellent advice here. My W has been unwilling to stop calling OM for 2 years now. What I didn't do then, I'm paying for now. Whoever said 2 years for an A to die is probably right on. It is only now after constant pressure and counseling with SH that she is starting to come out of the fog. And I can tell you honestly I still love my W but we have absolutely WASTED two years. Her's was an EA leading up to ONS and then back to EA. I don't know if she's come out of it because of my efforts or it's dying on its own. But she still has contact throught pool league and still calls him. I have 3 children and 18yrs invested so maybe I was more committed than you can be. But if you don't do anything your love for her will wain and you need to monitor that very closely. But why wait? Two years is a long time to waste.