Yesterday, SH told me to be careful pushing WW towards this board. He suggested going slow we don't want to lose her. Well today we had probably the best dialogue on her A in a long time. I showed her two posts that I printed. Nothing real heavy but she read through both of them and didn't say too much. But it is definitely heavier material than I have ever showed her before so I feel some of it had to sink in. She then asked about how much this counseling is costing. She also started to tell me that her pool team may be breaking up and she'll have to look for a new one. All of this is very encouraging. She's starting to understand that we are no longer going to ignore the most traumatic event we have ever been through. She further recounted all the bad things I have ever done to her. I consider that positive because it tells me that she knows she is wrong and has to defend her actions by telling me what a piece of crap I was, and it also gives me a chance to apologize for past slights. I guess the point of this is that SH gave me the confidence of how far to push. My name is exactly how I have been conducting this recovery. And Steve feels my instincts have been correct. So I just want to preach patience to those who have been fighting for so long. And it's not over til it's over. And try to make a safe place for your WS to come back to. Screaming would not have worked in my case so you need to understand what you're up against and be able to adapt to your particular situation.

Hi WOE -

I am with you on the gentle prodding approach. My WH sounds very similar to your WW.

It is so helpful to have SH in your corner, isn't it? He is able to help me clearly see what's going on when WH does one thing or another. Going it alone, I'm not sure I'd have been able to hold on.

Congrats on your baby steps, and keep us posted!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She further recounted all the bad things I have ever done to her. I consider that positive because it tells me that she knows she is wrong and has to defend her actions by telling me what a piece of crap I was</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It also indicates she's moving from withdrawal into conflict. That's a good thing. A person usually doesn't go from withdrawal straight into intimacy, they go from withdrawal through conflict then to intimacy.

Of course, it's not a straight path and she'll hop in and out of the various states but it does show she's no longer stubbornly dug into the withdrawal phase.

At least not for now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, at least not for that moment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hey, I don't want us counting any chickens before they hatch!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Turtlehead I really don't understand the stages you are referring to but I have heard them around here before and get the general idea that it is the natural process of healing. I will take the time to learn more about it. But I agree with your assessment. She is more and more willing to talk about some things. She also is noticing more and more warts on the OM and the rest of the group. She comes home each week now reporting that she's tired of hearing about everyones problems etc. My goal and timeline with SH has been the summer season. I explained that I don't want to be in their company anymore. And while I'm not encouraged to come out to Pool Night I am supposed to appear as the loving husband at a couple of select events each summer. Well SH doesn't want me to draw the line in the sand but wait until we get closer. I think that has been dead on because I think W is losing interest in attending herself. The glamour of the entire group is starting to fade. The one thing I need to come to terms with is do I really need for W to understand how bad she hurt me or is that more punishment than loving behavior. But I want her to at least understand that we need to protect ourselves from this ever happening again. And that includes me even more than her. She needs to learn that we both need to protect each other. I definitely failed to protect her. Thanks for checking in.

WHB, I'm glad you also having success with Steve. Yes it's very reassuring to have that complete confidence in someone. Guessing at something this important is scary.

WOE

Walking,

Glad to hear your progress report and when I think back about your initial posts, you have certainly improved.

It is good to see how Steve and MB can help us deal with these issues and then learn how to help our mates. In addition to that there is personal healing that comes as a benefit.

Keep up the good work. Your posts are certainly encouraging and helpful to many. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

how long have you been in counseling w/SH and how often?