his erection! Last night was our first time to be intimate since the A ended. He kept losing his erection right in the middle. We tried twice and each time he lost it. Please explain this to me and if this is "normal" after the A. Also, he kept saying "I'm not used to you"...I asked him to please not say that to me. He also kept telling me how to do things. I feel as though I am doing this for the first time with him and he is so experienced. how should I handle this..

Things have been going well otherwise. I can see him coming further out of FOGLAND each day. I touch him and hold him as that is what I like to do. When we are in public I hold his hand and put my hand on his leg. He doesnt do it to me thuogh. When he does, I tell him I like it. But I can tell he is uncomfortable in a sense.
I ask him if it bothers him that I touch him and he says NO. So I just keep doing it. I love to touch him and stroke him, and I crave it from him, but he will not do it to me.

Please help!

Oh oh. The same thing happened to me, but WH has still sleeping with OW. It was very bad on my self-esteem, and I felt like WH did not desire me anymore.

I think you should try to not focus on doing it. Just try to get him to hold you in bed, give each other massauges, etc. The more pressure he feels to perform, the more anxiety it will cause him.

This is a temporary thing, and will soon get better.

happened here too, a few weeks after dday and up to recently - i keep making like it is no big deal, cuddle, coo, purr, and ignore it.

sure beat my ego up.

I think (hope) it is the turning of guilt inwards, at a point where thy might stop using internal excuses for their straying.

It will return.

Kepp up the affection, make it a no big deal!

Yours is a difficult situations since you had stopped being sexual for quite a while pre-A. Obviously, the sex he had with OW was pretty hot and it will take time to withdraw from that.

I agree that you should take your time. It is almost as though you don't know eachother that way anymore. I understand that it can be hurtful if he is trying to instruct you in how she did things. Wasn't his A just 2 months. Wow, they must have had lots of sex during that 2 months.

When you used to feel good enough to have sex before you gained the weight, was the sex good for both of you?

I'd think that you may still need to give it time and some sexy playfulness to build up the desire level again. I'm guessing you have the desire for sex with him again but it is a bit incongruous to him since you didn't want it for so long before so it isn't computing to what he's known. Did you get to a point pre-A when you were more like room mates or brother and sister instead of lovers? It may take lots of spice to heat it up now or convince him and his parts otherwise.

I know I had a hard time convincing myself that I wasn't being compared to the OW. It is an awful feeling. I know I had the same thoughts that my H was now differently experienced and it is hard to not think of what he shared sexually with OW. You have to try not to allow your mind to dwell on that stuff.

It is almost like you have to get to know eachother all over again. Don't lose heart.

MT3B,

This is one of the most difficult parts of recovery, finding your sexual compatibilty again. What others have said is true -- you became like roomates and now, the fire probably seems forced (probably is on MT3D's part, sorry, but true), and he loses focus part way through.

The good sign, though, is that he made the attempt. That means there are good feelings that compelled him to try. And he is probably more disappointed than you in what he will see as a "failure."

My H is diabetic and even with OW he couldn't always perform (yes, I got comfort from knowing that). But when it came back to us, we, like you and Dad, had become more like roommates. Our love life had always been kind of, hmmm, routine. I knew what he was going to do, he knew what I was going to do, we knew how the story ended.

After the A, we both just kind of went wild. By that, I mean we departed from the "old" ways of doing things. Both he and I delighted in touching each other in new ways, taking longer here, lingering there. The touch was so important to us in our reconnecting. I became much more verbal, telling H what I liked as he did it, and he found that to be a turn on. I used to stifle my reactions to his touch, you know, keep it down in case the kids heard. Well, that went out the window. I didn't care if the kids heard the bed springs squeaking (and they did a time or two!!!!)

I figured there was nothing left to lose. My H's body was mine to enjoy and my body was my gift to him. We both had a new mindset.

And when I would get a thought like, "I wonder if he did this with OW," I just pushed it from my mind. It didn't matter. I was going to do it better. And I did. Soon, I no longer felt like I was in competition.

Now our sex life is very satisfying, varied, and better than at any other time in our 21-year marriage. You have much to dscover about each other. Go exploring.

~ Snow

It's a very good thing we are anonymous here, otherwise my h would kill me for this! We are having the same problem.

During our 10 month seperation I came back twice, just a *vacation* to spend time with him but wasn't yet ready to come back full time. While I was here for those vacations we had NO problem in that area! In fact we probably spent more time in the bedroom then anything else.

Now that I am back 100% and we are living together he has had problems keeping an erection and climaxing (not every time, but often) this was never a problem before though he claims it has been going on for a long time. I know it happened occasionally, as I'm sure it does for all men after 40, but now it happens pretty regularly and it's causing him to lose interest (fear of failure maybe?)

I can't help but think it's me. There are several reasons why a man might have sexual problems, he doesn't have any of the physical reasons so I know it's the big organ between his ears that's causing it. The reasons are either medical or "partner related" (I've been reading about it) I know in my case it's partner related and that's hard for me to handle. I haven't gained weight, I haven't let myself go, I do all I can to be sexy to him but I CAN'T be new after 25 years.

This is particularly hard for me because in all these years, if we had ever been asked to write down the top 10 things that are good between us SEX would have been the #1 answer on both of our lists! In fact, before he left and was telling me that things were so bad between us he said "we have always had great sex and I don't want to give that up, can we still see each other if I leave?"

This gets me so pissed off. I feel like for me it's just one more thing that was taken away from me because of the A. My H withdrew sexually from me when he became involved with her. Unfortunately I had a very good sex drive.

MT3B, this is my story in reclaiming sex. After the truth began emerging, H actually recoiled at my touch. I just posted this on another thread. I couldn't believe it. Slowly we began cuddling in bed. After the EA/PA was revealed, when the "B" was still working for him, there was a burst of passion. Some of it was for me, but recently he admitted that she was in his head too. Loved hearing that. No intercourse, just gave each other O's. I can tell you that I literally sobbed the 1st few times. I sobbed because of what he took away from me, and what he gave to someone else. Just at the huge betrayal.

Once oW officially left work, and H was in withdrawal, he had no interest in me again. The desire turned off. We still cuddled throughout this whole time. After he came clean about calling her his desire came back. I still am not ready to "Do it" with him. I actually thought I was the other night and he said maybe we shouldn't. It is such an intimate act that for me, I want to get her further behind us.

I did a nice visualization when she popped into my mind the other night while messing around. Now don't anyone get mad at me for this. It's my visualization, and it worked for me. I shrunk her down to a tiny ball of poop, and I threw her in the garbage.

MT3B, remember you Both, especially you, have been through something traumatic. Your H should be very gentle with you right now. Maybe you both just need to take a step back and take things slower. You don't have to prove anything. CV

How do you guys handle this? I'm sure that I'm not the only one who NEEDS to feel wanted and desired. Without that I am losing my desire too. I did what many of us do, wanting *it* all the time after reconciling (some call it "reclaiming what's yours" I don't know if that's it. I MISSED *it* and was so happy to have it back!) But I'm starting to feel like I can live without it if he doesn't really want it.

I WON'T have an affair to feel good about myself, but it sure sucks to feel unwanted!

Thanks for all the replies! It has been an exceptionally HARD day today! He has been very withdrawn from me and distant. He is mean to me and just feels as though he doesn't want to be here anymore. I am very depressed today. But I guess that doesn't matter does it...All about him, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I asked him this morning if he was ok, that he seeemed upset or whatever..he said "well, last night was a bit of a disappointment"...I wanted to talk about it, but he just yelled at me and from then on I didn't say a word. I feel as though he is back with her again...He yelled at me again when we were leaving the ball field and I just got in the car and said "why do you have to yell at me so much" he just threw up his hands like "here we go again"...I am just tired of it...

I am doing all I can to change my ways. NOT LB and here he is LBing me up and down. I am just dirt to him. I know he would MUCH rather be with HER today than me. He is in serious withdrawal, and I am very depressed today.

Please help us get thru this. I dont know what to do. He is mean to me today, I dont even feel like I can touch him. He basically has admitted he does't feel comfortable touching me.

With the sex thing, it seemed as though he always had the energy with OW, but with me he is either tired, not up for it or another excuse. He would wake up in the middle of the night and do it with her. I guess that is part of the fantasy land.

Am I just holding onto something that isn't ever going to be again. Is he just here cuz I want him here. I feel as though I am doing all the work and gettting treated like dirt. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Walk over to him, pat him on the back and say "honey, I am sorry you are feeling so bad today. If there is anything I can do to make it better, let me know."

If you can somehow be playful, sexy, and fun throughout the day. Did SH talk about spending at least 15 hours undivided attention with each other each week?

It may be good for the two of you to get away. Maybe go to a MB Weekend. Can you leave the boys with parents for a weekend?

I will say that in our situation we had several false recoveries before the 'real thing'. We were separated a couple of times. But, my H's A was much more than 2 months before D-Day. Sex was great with her. It wasn't until he totally moved in with OW and her kids for a month or two that he finally was able to end it with her. Fantasy and the illicitness drives a lot of the intensity of A's.

What helped your H was to imagine you moving on and being with another man. Having another man be in his house with you and the boys or having other men attracted to you . You need to still capitalize on that by being sexy, and maybe a bit naughty....but nice. No LBing.

Try to not react to his angry outbursts or DJ's. Let things that he says roll off you like water off a duck's back. Attract him back. Take your time. Be the woman he fell in love with and then some.

mom2, I know what you WANT to do! But don't do it.

I think "the fog" they are walking through is actually sh*t! (sorry) they have their heads so far up their a$$ they can't see straight! (sorry again)

What you WANT to do is walk over to him and punch him so hard in the face that you both see stars! You want to scream "Look I have been your best friend and lover all these years! I know things about you that NO ONE else knows and vice verse! I LOVE YOU and somewhere in that foggy brain of yours you know you love me too! WAKE YOUR A$$ UP!" The other side of you wants to beg and plead and cry (don't do that either, it backfires, trust me on that one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> )

So what you have to do is stifle all of that and TRY to get through to him CALMLY and rationally. I'm so sorry he is being like this. It's unfortunate that he can't seem to see that he has a much better woman at home than the one he is pining over, one that cares not that she is destroying his family, ALL of you, not just you.
Keep trying m2.

Mom,

I think you need to relax and take a deep breath. You're expectations of how long things are going to take to get better are too high, partly because of how well you both have been doing.

I think I said not long ago that you and dad are still on a roller coaster. Recovery is a slow process.

Someone mentioned the MB 15 hours of time spent together a few posts up. It's way too soon for that. SH will tell you when it's time to begin that process. He will be coaching you and dad soon in dad's recovery plan.

It's an individualized program that he will help dad create. SH's philosophy is Safety 1st. So you not LBing is your responsibility.

Same as dad's not LBing is his responsibility. Have patience, and you work on YOU! Blessings, CSue

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> He has been very withdrawn from me and distant. He is mean to me and just feels as though he doesn't want to be here anymore.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, MT3B, he is there. Means he wants to be there. The WS can be a real poophead when the withdrawal hits them hard. Mean, nasty, short-tempered. DT3B seems par for the course.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> I am just dirt to him. I know he would MUCH rather be with HER today than me. He is in serious withdrawal, and I am very depressed today. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, it is not an LB to sadly say to him that you are hurting because your thoughts are telling you that he would rather be with her and you are feeling like dirt to him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> I dont even feel like I can touch him. He basically has admitted he does't feel comfortable touching me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did he really say that or is that your interpretation of something he said? Perhaps he doesn't want a lot of physical contact today. But you need it. Nothing wrong with just giving him a quick rub on the back or a cursory kneed at the back of his neck as if to say, "I'm trying."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> He would wake up in the middle of the night and do it with her. I guess that is part of the fantasy land. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. It is. It's new, exciting, all of that. And I've been thinking about what you said earlier, that DT3B seemed like he was trying to instruct you on what to do and how to do it. Well, go for it, MT3B. Maybe he learned something while he was "away" but it could still be an added bonus for you. Some of the things my husband learned I wouldn't give up now for the world. I don't care how he learned it. It is being put to its proper use now, with me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> Am I just holding onto something that isn't ever going to be again. Is he just here cuz I want him here. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, it will get better. But you are on the roller coaster and its highs and lows are many and come out of nowhere at times. He's not there just for you. Or for the kids. He is there because he wants to be there, but he might be having some doubts today. Hang in there. Be yourself, the new you, the one that loves him and cares about what he is going through. You can fall apart later when he's able to be there for you. Right now, he just isn't.

~ Snow

Mom, I think I cautioned you in another thread that withdrawal sucks. When OW was still working for H I deluded myself into thinking he was withdrawing already from her. When she actually left did I get an eye opener. If the A is a love affair, which it was in my As case, it is really hard to get over.

I could be wrong here, so please experienced MBers jump in, but does no lBing mean putting up with Dad's crap? Since you actually are talking to SH ask him. I believe I read in one of his articles or book that sometimes it's best to just keep a distance while H is in withdrawal. My H liked me to touch him, even though I figured he'd rather it were Little Miss Thing. So I rubbed his head and his back all the time, especially when he wakes up at night panicking.

Give it time, but don't be a doormat. Sometimes I have used humor. Like when I think he starts taking me for granted, like whatever he does I'll be here, I might say, "Don't forget that it isn't only about YOU choosing me. It's also about ME choosing you. And right now you ain't the greatest prize out there." OK MBers, don't 2x4 me. It has worked for me at times to let him know this. It's also made me feel better. Of course MOM, always follow the wise ones' advice on this board.

I'm sending prayers your way. Keep venting. It has helped me tremendously! CV

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CV55:
<strong> "Don't forget that it isn't only about YOU choosing me. It's also about ME choosing you. And right now you ain't the greatest prize out there." </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely right on in my book, CV. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> In the early days, I often told my FWH things like, "Hey, look, right now, if you're confused, well, OK, I understand. Just don't be confused forever because I have a life to live. I'd prefer you to be in it, but that really is for you to decide. Let me know what you come up with."

Gentle directness, I like to call it. It was a way that I could remind him that I had choices, too, and I wasn't necessarily going to hang around until he got everything all figured out. I always said it matter-of-fact and with a touch of quietness.... always made him think. Kept me focused on what was right for me, too. I knew I wanted the marriage to survive, but not if it meant costing me my self-respect, my little remaining self-esteem, or my soul.

~ Snow

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> Walk over to him, pat him on the back and say "honey, I am sorry you are feeling so bad today. If there is anything I can do to make it better, let me know." </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, I'll try, but I dont feel like doing anything with him right now! But I know I mustn't be that way...he has been so distant and withdrawn!

Hi Mom -

Don't let my experience depress you, but I had the same kind of problem with my WH when he came home in December. Everything was great for about 36 hours - and we even managed to get in some great sex. Then, it was like he hit a brick wall. He was clearly disturbed when I touched him, didn't see the point of his being there, said he thought his life was with 'her' now.

Unfortunately, my WH was weak, and went back to OW. That doesn't mean I've given up hope. Your H sounds to me like he's got a solid head on his shoulders, but is deep in withdrawal right now. I think the other posters gave some excellent advice as far as how to deal when he is visibly depressed. And the fact that he's posted to this board even ONCE is such a good sign to me.

I did the best Plan A I could, and did everything I could to help him through withdrawal - never LB'ing. I was understanding and compassionate - but it wasn't enough. He needed to find out for himself that he is going down the wrong path.

He is taking baby steps toward the light (me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ), and although nothing is earth shattering, I can recognize them as steps in the right direction. Last night when he came by, he caught the kids and me dancing to my son's favorite song. He sat there and watched us for several minutes (without my knowledge). By the time I saw him, he was looking VERY wistful. And he's been mentioning how tired he is because he's not sleeping at night. Baby steps, but good signs, nonetheless. My point is, even though he did leave - and my heart was SHATTERED - he is starting to show me subtle signs that it won't be the last move he makes. It may take him a while to figure it out completely, but I'll be there Plan A'ing my a** off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Keep up the great Plan A, and try your best to meet his other EN. Have you tried doing some things together, just the two of you? Lighten things up! Go play some video games, go bowling, or go to the batting cages - live a little!

- WHB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Try to not react to his angry outbursts or DJ's. Let things that he says roll off you like water off a duck's back. Attract him back. Take your time. Be the woman he fell in love with and then some.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm trying not to react, but when we are both having a hard day...me depressed and him in BAD withdrawal...it is difficult. I always look my best in front of him and dress the way he likes me too. I'm trying very hard to attract him back!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think "the fog" they are walking through is actually sh*t! (sorry) they have their heads so far up their a$$ they can't see straight! (sorry again)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm not sure what is worse...Fogland DURING the A or Fogland AFTER the affair <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did he really say that or is that your interpretation of something he said? Perhaps he doesn't want a lot of physical contact today. But you need it. Nothing wrong with just giving him a quick rub on the back or a cursory kneed at the back of his neck as if to say, "I'm trying."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I touch him all the time. Rub him, put my hand on his legs, etc...I have asked him if it bothers him if I touch him and he has said no it doesn't...then I will say..."but you dont feel comfortable touching me, right?" and he says "no, not yet, but if you keep touching me maybe I will be able to touch you some day". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />


After we got home from the baseball park, he hasn't been as MEAN...but still very distant. I went to sleep for a while. Which is what I do when I am depresseed. I just shut down. Later, I asked him to come here and post his frustrations and he said he didn't want to. He said..."it is not a good day for that since I am in such enormous withdrawal and i want to be with OW"...I said "I think it is a good idea to vent on this board"..

I think he is very embarrassed about what he did earlier this week and cant face ya'll right now. My interpretation of course...

It is like he is here, but he isn't here. He has been on the computer the whole day and ahsn't helped with the kids..Feels as though he is out of the house again. I can tell he does not want to be here today or tonight. He is just way out in left field...or is that FOGLAND??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Part of me just wants to say "ok, fine just go be with her"...the other part wants to just grab him and hold him forever...THAT part is reluctant right now, cuz I feel I am just bouncing off a brick wall.

His exact words about last night..."last night SUCKED"

So tell me...how am I supposed to react to that one. Yea, it sucked cuz you were thinking of OW the whole time. He was nervous and he was expecting it to be like OW. Also he took viagra with OW, I wouldn't let him take it last night. He said "well after awhile, i didn't need the viagra anymore! Whatever.

I am just so confused today. I dont know where this is going or what he is doing.

Alright, Mom. I'm going to be a bit graphic, here - but it's all in the name of a good cause. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

When he's having trouble maintaining an erection, have you tried...ahem...'helping him out'? Maybe some rubbing or sucking? I've heard a lot of men say that it's hard to deny an erection when a woman's mouth is around it.

Has your FWH had trouble in this respect before? I think I remember reading from one of your posts that you hadn't been intimate in a while - how long a while was that?

Perhaps you're going to have to spice things up in the bedroom. I know if my WH comes back, that will be one of our issues as well. Things were "boring". Make it fun! I know it seems a bit contrived since you're both in a bad state right now, but if you can come out of it for just a little while - wouldn't that be great? How about creating a seduction scene for him - maybe some soft music and candles. How about a some new lingerie to show off that new bod?? What a release for the both of you! And imagine how close you'll feel afterword.

Anyway, just my $.02......

- WHB