Hello all. WH has been in NC with OW now for 4 days. He seems to be doing well. He has assured me that he will tell me if she contact him, and he has no intention of contacting her. I believe him.

So, my stage is set. WH has told me he is giving our M a chance. He is working on it.

We call each other several times a day. He is nice, warm, affectionate. We were moving along very nicely last weekend. Then last Monday I confessed to him that I told one of the Scout leaders about the A. He is very upset with me. Doesn't know if he can forgive me.

He thinks it is a deal breaker. But, he doesn't want us to stop doing stuff together, because he said if he gets over it, he doesn't want to lose all that time in recovery.

Which to me says that he is upset, but loves being around me and the boys again, and won't give that up for anything. Which is comforting to me.

So, we are doing dinners as a family, movies, hikes, lunches, just hanging out. We instant message several times each day.

I am showing him all the changes I've made with me. We rarely have conflict. We save those issues for MC that we do once a week. He still has feelings for OW. But he remembers his feelings for me, and thinks they are tucked away inside of him still - he doesn't think they were never there anymore.

I guess I want to know that I am doing the right things. If there is something that is lacking, could someone please mention it to me.

I appreciate all of you reading my lengthy posts and helping me in this critical time of my life.

Lots of love.

SS

<small>[ April 04, 2004, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

SS, I am so happy for you. I don;t see anthing wrong with what you are doing? Do you live togehter or seperately? Hope your recovery is full of joy.

SS-
You are doing just fine. Keep doing fun things with him to build some positive thoughts to replace the thoughts of the OW. Then her memory will fade away.

SS -

I am so happy things sound positive! Keep working on building new memories with H and your sons.

I am praying and thinking of you during my recovery process also! Sucks being "scout widows" but we can make our M's work!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks all for your support. I got frustrated earlier today. Something so small. When we did the tunnel after the soccer game this morning, WH came to put his hands against mine. He made a big point of not lacing our fingers together like we always have. He just put his palms flat against mine. I kind-of tried to slide mine in his, and he kept his fingers very rigid so I couldn't.

That just made me irritated. What is the big deal??? He just seems so warped to me. Like he is on his hi-horse.

And, he told me in an email last night that he does not regret his actions with the A. Because he loved her at the time. That pi$$es me off, too. He is foggy.

So, I will just keep keeping on, hoping that what I am doing will cause him to defog.

I hope I am doing things that will cause that to happen eventually.

SS

SS,

Anger is part of recovery. If he is still willing to work with his family, a good MC will help him work through this anger.

I saw a Dr Phil show and sometimes anger is used by some as a protection to cover over another problem.

In this case, it maybe embaressment. You need to be patient with him. In our case I told his family, friends, our son's school, daycare, my boss and few co-workers, God and even some neighbors. At first the WS was going to write me off for life.

Eventually he came around. I told him, the ones I told were told for my protecdtion and support. If he could not be a part of my personal healing then he needs to leave us completely.

He first said he could never face anyone again. Fogtalk. Anger more fogtalk. Bottom line is that he now wants to be with those very persons who 'know'. I did not tell everyone everthing. I told each enough so that they could help and support our family emotionally and sometimes physically (helping with some chores and things). I did ask them that for what I did tell them to respect my decision. We did receive their support. For that I am grateful.

I asked the WS (at the time) why he felt that way and he said he was embaressed (remember he was still seeing ow with and w/o her clothes on so 'embaressed'???). I then thanked him for telling me but clarified that his embaressment was not as important as our survival and that his actions embaressed me also. But as long as he was willing to be the PBR (OW), I needed to get my support and it included telling.

That made him angry but shut him up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Now he does not have that anger. He sees and deals the very friends that he vowed not to deal with. He is also working on his relationship with God. It is part of his healing process. I give him support in this area where and when I can but the healing is up to him.

JMHO,
L.

Spiderslayer -

Go to PlanA/PlanB and read meremortal's link on "I think I am folding". It is something you can try for a couple of days. It involves agreeing with WH. It might help break the impasse and open him up.

I used lostbird's advice about talking to my WH with sympathy, and boy did it change him. I couldn't believe it.

Orchid -

Thank you so much. That is almost exactly what has happened with my WH and myself. I told lots of people, because he bailed on me. He had an A with my "best friend," then moved out and told me he didn't love me (didn't know if he ever had) and told me it was over.

Hello!!!!! What did he think I was going to do? But he just needs time to get over it. If I can get over what he did, I have to believe that when he defogs more he will be able to get over this small speed bump.

Believer -

Thank you. I read that part of that thread you mentioned. Very applicable to what I am going through. Thank you. I needed to be reminded of that. It has definately worked for me. Along with the sympathy and agreeing talk.

Lots of love. Thanks all for the support.

SS

SS, you and H have come such a long way. Remember your posts just a week or two ago? As far as his lack of remorse about the A, I would want to string him up for that. I have taken on the role on this site to personally torture in my mind all WSs who say idiotic things like that. I will do it for you so his precious little love bank won't be depleted.

Hang in there! CV

Mine had no remorse at all, but now is very remorseful. However he is still with OW. Hmmmm, how remorseful is that?

I think you all are right about this script thing my W said all the things that have been said here. The only problem I have is that we have no kids to worry about so the only one she know she's hurting is me and I'm not sure that matters to her.

As you all can tell from the change in my topic, things are going well for me.

I spent the night with H last night. It was wonderful. He put his wedding ring back on this morning.

He also just called to ask what weekends we have free, because he is planning a getaway for us, just me and him.

I am in heaven. I am blessed.

Thank you all for all of your support and kind words. If I didn't have this place, I would have run him off a while ago.

He has been impressed with how well I have handled this sitch, and he has noticed the changes I have made with ME.

He noticed the weight loss (men ARE visual!), and that I have stopped telling him how he can "fix" himself, or the situation.

I have left him be, loved him, listened to him, had compassion for him, and now he is slowly returning all of that to me.

Wow.

The concepts here really work.

Lots of love and keep the HOPE!

SS

Spiderslayer -

You are doing just fine. Keep it up. It is so strange how this place can completely change you.

You know my story, my WH gave up a chance to retire with a bonus. I had a change of heart and called him, and talked to him about the plans and dreams we had.

Even though I have the D papers at the lawyer, I told him that if he wanted to retire, I would not hinder him. I told him he has always been a good man and I am here to be his helpmate, not to hurt him.

For some reason, he believed me and put in (late) for the retirement and got it. He is extremely happy right now and so am I. He still cannot get rid of OW, but I know that I have taken the high road. It gives me joy and peace.

Whatever happens, I know that I have done my best. Hang in there and do your best. It will be hard, but is so rewarding.

SS, I feel happy for you.

I wish someday I will be in your place. I still don't know what you've been through, and how long. I knew that you did not you SS before. I want to read your tread and learn what kind of change it is. and What kind of plan you went through. Best wishes to you. Love

Believer -

Thank you for sharing your story with me. In a way, in my lucid moments, that is what I did for WH when I could. I let him know I am his helpmate, and reminded him of our M "slogan" we had developed over years of hard times - When one is weak, the other is strong.

That kind-of became my mantra through this. That, and the saying from here - Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?

That snaps me out of my own fog pretty well.

H spent the night with me last night. It was wonderful. The boys enjoyed playing with him until bedtime, he got to use our high-speed internet connection for his school.

And I sent him off to work this morning with the first breakfast he has eaten since he moved out (Peanut Butter Captain Crunch - his favorite), and a good night's rest, which he doesn't get often.

He keeps commenting, "Why didn't you do all of this before?" Like doting on him, buying cute pajamas, becoming a better mother, better person.

I told him that I have asked myself the same questions! And all in all, especially since it looks like this A is not going to tear my family apart, I am grateful this happened.

I cannot imagine what else could have occurred in my life to instigate the types of positive changes that I have seen in myself, in such a short period of time.

And I credit all of you with that success. I credit myself, but so many people in my life have commented on how I have surprised them with my maturity and growth and the way I have handled this crisis - to include H.

If I had been left to my own devices, without the support here at 2 am sometimes, I cannot imagine I would be where I am today. One of the reasons H came back is because I impressed him with my actions. He has been watching, and he has seen the positive changes in me. He knows I am sincere.

He is willing to come back, not so afraid it will all go back to the way it was. Just like all the vets say is the reason to work on YOU! That is what the WS's are looking at.

Well, another long post.

L&H, I don't know where the heck my thread is at that tells my story. A quicky version is that on 12/31/03 WH went into ER with mental breakdown and confessed that him and my "best friend" had a EA and PA. He went to a halfway house, then moved in with his parents. Then got an apartment with a 6 month lease.

After major exposure on my end, OW got scared and dumped WH (she is single w/kids). I got all the usual - I never loved you, I married you for all the wrong reasons, this can never work too much damage has been done, etc. All the fogese.

We were going to MC and IC, and WH walked out of 3rd MC session. Then we both started seeing his IC as a MC, and slowly his defenses came down and we were able to communicate again.

It has been bumpy, rocky, and scary, but I stuck with the plan (which is another story altogether), and posted here, and got advice and calmed down, and went back in the ring and fought for my M the only way I could. I improved myself, got a support network going around myself - friends, church, gym, family.

I think we just might make it. H still doesn't say he loves me, but he snuggles with me, kisses my head, we have SF, and he holds my hand sometimes. I don't push, don't demand, just tell him that I understand, because I do.

I will wait as long as I have to to hear him say that to me again. I don't pressure him, and I don't say it to him all the time because I don't want him to feel pressured.

The only advice I can give is improve yourself. Discover yourself. Before this happened, when somebody asked me who I was, my first response was WH's wife, second response was DSs' mother.

Now I am SS first, second and third. All of those other things are a part of me, I am not defined by them. Does that make sense?

Anyway, lots of love and support. And HUGS!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> SS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ April 05, 2004, 08:25 AM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

SS

You are steel! You are the woman! You get the emmy this week! Oh you still need to see CV55 to give her emmy to her. She is having a rough recovery, with the bitterness and so on. I am so happy for you and so proud of you for making the changes in you.

I know you are a strong woman without H just from our many talks until late at night sometimes. I also would never have made it through any of this without all of these great people on this board. I owe my sanity to everyone here. I can honestly say that this board has saved lives and saved sanity in people. It makes you feel cared for and listened to when no one else will.

I hope things continue to go well for you. We are not aluminum, we are steel. I pray for you daily. Don't forget us now, you must lead us to the path home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

NY

Thanks SS for all you've shared and prayers to you and yours.

What an inspirational post SS! So glad all is heading toward recovery. WH is lucky to have someone like you and is probably realizing that for sure. Keep on keeping on!

SS,

I'm still here and have been reading your posts. I am really, REALLY happy for you. I'm glad things have turned around and that there is lots of hope for your M. I'm sure it will be slow going, but worth the effort in the end.

I just haven't posted much because my situation hasn't been nearly as positive. Twice in the last 2 weeks WH has said the upcoming weekend was the end, and then he and OW were breaking ties. The last time, it was supposedly HER choice.

I knew that wouldn't happen, and it was changed today to "she's moving back out of my apartment tonight". (I didn't know she'd moved back in to begin with.) So I asked if they were going to N/C, and he got very angry and said "You're a broken record. Don't start this s*** again or you won't like what happens."

So I told him (and LB'd I'm sure) that I did want our M, but that I had held hope all last week that this was it, and that now since he hasn't decided, that I'm going to move on soon and have a life of my own. I told him I was tired of being lonely for the last 7 months while he was in the comfort of someone else's arms. I said, while a D is not what I want, I won't live this way forever and if he choses to stay with her, I as his W am tired of playing second fiddle and will need to make choices of my own soon so that I can find companionship, too.

I don't think he liked that comment. He called back later and tried to use the "I've only been out 2 months; you moved out for 18 months way back when." I countered with the reason--I moved out because HE was having an A. I didn't want to be out.

Then he tried the "You charged your rent on the credit cards when you were out. What's the big deal with me charging now?"

Uh, it's a joint card. Back when I did it, we then got back together and paid it off as a "team". Told him I'm not so much against that if he's going to give her up now, but don't want to be stuck paying a bill and have him living as a single man.

His last call was to say, "I told you before that we were going to try N/C when she moved out." I replied, "That's great--that's all I wanted to hear this morning, but that's not what you said."

So I'm letting him cook, I guess. I want him back desparately (therein lies the problem!). But I've contacted an attorney today and discussed financial protection and what I need to do. In Iowa, a legal separation and a D are about the same--they cost the same and have the same effect, and he doesn't even recommend legal separations anymore. He gave me some other ideas for financial protection, and then we discussed what a D would entail.

It's not what I want to do. I don't know--go to a REAL Plan B if he really doesn't do N/C? (I get the feeling that our being apart for 2 months already has caused him to lose most of his love for me--not sure going to total dark wouldn't just finish it off). I wish with everything in me now that I'd not forced his hand at signing that lease in February. If he were still in the house, I might be able to work with things.

I have in my mind today a list of dates that I'm sure are too short, but I'm going nuts. I don't feel strong enough to just sit back and be alone for 2 more years.

I'm thinking:
-------------
4/14 - my next appointment with Dr. Chalmers - if N/C doesn't happen, I'll ask WH if he wants to be part of the call. If he says "no", I'll go to Plan B as best I can without an intermediary for kid stuff.

6/30 - If I'm still alive and sane, and he's made no changes, I will file for D.

Sept or Oct - If he's still made no changes, I will let D go through. It only takes about 100 days in Iowa.

I know this is only a year from the time his A started, and Dr. Harley said it could take 2 years, but if his A has been exposed to the light of day for a year and still nothing happens, is there hope that it ever will?

(I know, I stole your thread, but you asked if I was still around. Here I am!)

By the way, I love the refererence in your title to "arachnid annihilator". You go kill those spiders!!

LL