I am looking for responses in regards to the different marital states.

My H (WH??) is in a deep state of withdrawl. The only way he will go into state of conflict is if I initiate it via bringing up subject of our relationship (or lack of one for that matter).

H will go into state of conflict and bring up every single past mistake I ever made, state that he can't let go of the past and in his eyes our M doesn't have a shot. I apologize everytime for past issues and ask him if we can move forward together, his answer "I don't know, I just don't see it".

After the conversation is over, H slips back into state of withdrawl right away to stay until next time I bring up R talk.

My question is this: What is the best way to move from withdrawl to conflict to intimacy? We've been doing this since 1/06.

I am pretty sure that bringing him into conflict is an LB (he's sick of talking about everything to the point he avoids me) so I am really stuck on how to move forward.

Intimacy doesn't even seem possible.

Advise here please....

(ps. This forum has been hoppin lately)

bump

My WH was the same way. I backed off. The more I chased and tried to produce results, the faster and further he ran.

After a few weeks of very limited contact (only about finances and kids via email), WH started slowly doing very small things. Lingering when he would drop off the boys, calling me regarding things that were not necessary to ask me, etc.

Now that he is beginning to defog a bit, he has admitted that those small things were his attempt to connect with me, and that before he made those attempts, he didn't want to have anything to do with me.

He said those same things to me - "I don't see how it could ever work out, too much damage has been done, blah blah blah." He was totally in withdrawal from me.

So, if you haven't tried it, backing way off and giving him lots of space (I called it letting him stew in his own juices) just might get you the results you are seeking.

Just my experience.

SS

SS

Thanks, I am trying to back off. H still lives at home and I do see him doing things around the house he never did before.

When asked, H will say he is trying his best for co-habitation to work.

But as I am sitting here, backing off, I feel myself going deeper into withdrawl, detaching. I fear that I will come to a point where I won't have the want to pull (or ability) to pull myself out.

Hello....Anybody out there willing to give me their expert advise????

I think you got very good advice from SpiderSlayer. Is he still in contact with the OW? When was his last contact with her?

I do agree with SpiderSlayer that you should back off. It only pushes him away right now when you talk about your relationship.

In the meantime, I would try hard to meet his needs and avoid lovebusters. That may help bring down his guard.