Do you ever feel like it's just not your day, or your month....or your year?

WH decides to dump me last fall and go get cuddly with a jobless, moneyless, moral-less, 25-year-old. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

DD has ADHD, hangs out with bad friends, cuts classes, gets expelled, and ends up in alternative school. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> (although she is now doing okay there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

My father, already forgetful, gets pneumonia, almost dies in December, then recovers, except his brain doesn't. Diagnosed two weeks ago with Alzheimers and we're told he most likely won't be able to live independently for much longer.

DD--from everything that is going on and her inability to cope well with things--finds that taking a razor to her arms and making designs is the way to relieve stress. Dept of Human Services gets called on this two days ago, we take her to a psychiatric hospital where she is admitted. However, since she was only "hurting" herself and wasn't trying to actually kill herself, my HMO won't cover inpatient treatment, so she was discharged the next day.

Since I'm stressing from all this and from work being extra hectic right now, I decided after spending 2 hours this afternoon scooping dog poop from 1/2 of my back yard (the beauty of Iowa--when your yard is covered with snow all winter, it doesn't get scooped, but the dogs keep pooping anyway) that I apparently needed some comic relief.....

So I ordered carry-out Chinese food, then jumped in my car, opened the garage door, and proceeded to back into my son's car. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Yep, I'd say the damage between the two cars is around $1,000 or so, but since his is a teen's car, it's not going to get fixed. Mine was the one, unfortunately, that took the most damage. Since my insurance deductible is high to keep my premiums down, I'll be looking hard at my budget over the next few weeks.

Fortunately, since it's just cosmetic damage, they will both drive fine. They just look bad and I feel really stupid.

It will get better...won't it??

LL

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

lordslady,

Just for fun ... this is love life for Snakes in monkey years

Love
In the year of Monkey, ...  However, if you are married, you must not give in to any temptation or seduction.  Don’t do anything you will regret.  Meanwhile, be patient and trust your partner.  Do not listen to any rumors and learn to communicate better with each other.  Trust me, you will be happy that you listen.

Would it get better ? don't know but for sure it will pass <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-rh-

LL,

One thought/saying that keeps me going through times like this is:

This too, shall pass.

Time ticks. It never stops, slows down or speeds up, but ticks on unstoppably. While sometimes this isn't the most comforting thought, during times like this I cling to it like velcro.

Hold on there, LL, and in time, this too shall pass.

dewt

LL, your year sounds much like mine. People say it will get better, but I have my doubts...

My dad has cancer, isn't expected to live much longer...WH decides to go screw a 29 y/o single mom who lives with her mom. WH comes back home but is now so completley withdrawn, I wish he would just go back to her. I dont know if it is worse having him here now or worse with him out of the house knowing he is seeing her.

Hang in there. We are here for you..

Girls, girls, it will get better. This is a long war, not just one battle. So please have some hope.

I have been going through this for a year. When others told me it would get better I didn't believe it for a minute. I was miserable for months and months.

Now I am happy and at peace. So hang in here, do the Plans and have confidence they will work for you too.

Don't give up a day before the miracle.

LL, I know exactly how it is like. The most hurtful thing is our feeling. You know that my D has problems too. We do need to concentrate on ourselves. Just hang in there, believer is right, things will get better. We may not see it, but GOD up there already plan it for us. We just have to have faith on HIM.

It's a new day and I'm still around. Is this good?

Went to see FIL in hospital after church today. Actually had a good visit. He and step-MIL still tell me I am always part of the family and to never hesitate to call or come down if I need to. That was nice. Hugged them both good-bye.

But found out that WH brought OW to visit last night. They were even surprised at his nerve. It's like he's expecting everyone to accept her. They said she reminds them of something that just came off a barstool and they're worried about him too, because they could tell he is very confused.

So much for believing she's walking out of his life today like he assured me all week.

Do I call him tomorrow and ask? Or do I just go about my business?

I am really hurting today. I know it's because I got my hopes up that maybe this really was it, and once again it's just false hope. They even asked me how I could still love him, and said "doesn't he realize you'll have no problem finding another man?"

They said from what they could tell about him, it's like he's not ready to give her up at all--it's a physical thing--he even mentioned to them that she likes his body. (Okay, fine, so did I, because I was married to it--but I'll guarantee it's not the body of a hardened 20-something. It's squishy and out of shape and is 39 years old. She's doing just the right things to keep him firmly attached to her. How long can a relationship based totally on sex and the physical side last?)

My chest and my throat literally ache today from anxiety. I've been applying the "stop" principal every time I think about him as best I can, but to no avail. I simply don't know what to do next.

And now he's running short of money, and has asked me to wait to transfer this week's child support. I can see the spiral starting. We'll be floating me on child support, he'll still be seeing her, and eventually I'll be the broke one.

If this continues without end for much longer, I will probably have to pursue legal separation, even though it's expensive, just to keep the support coming. And I hate to do that, because it will likely push him over the edge.

But then again, why can't I just stop loving him and move on? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

LL

I'm hurtin' for ya, because I'm on the same kind of roller coaster. It was that more than anything that sparked the plan b idea. Anyway, I'm getting to the point where I can kind of see them coming. Of course this means my wife will have to change her tactics somewhat... not to let my bitterness hijack your post or anything... sigh.

Anyway, in my opinion, you should not ask. You'd just be setting yourself up for a let down. Maybe something unexpected will happen and she will walk. It doesn't sound likely. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I say focus on keeping yourself stable. Think long term. Think perseverance.

dewt

I'm having a bit of a bitterness problem today, too, and I'm feeling like it's not very Christian.

Just spoke with my sis (who isn't quite at the same level spiritually that I at least thought I was at one time). First, she'd see nothing wrong with me dating. Okay, I do.

So she said, "Well then how about you find someone and go on a 'fake' date? Uh...because I don't know anyone up to that??

Both my kids are all for me dating, and I've had to explain to them over and over that it's against my beliefs, regardless of what Dad is doing. I know if someone came over and picked me up, it's likely it would get back to WH. Would it help? Or would it just justify in his mind that what he is doing is okay? Probably the latter.

So, for right now I'll just hang on. I don't feel like I have much left for perseverence. It's not that I'm ready to bail or have no love left for him. I WISH I could cut some of the love out. It's that I'm just so darned sick inside, I feel like my mind is about to snap. I want the pain to end, but apparently that isn't God's plan yet.

I"m headed to Al-Anon in about an hour. I do feel out of place in a way because I'm going more to try and learn that I can't control his actions with OW, and it's a place to learn you can't control the alcoholic's actions, but I guess it's all interrelated since he is an alcoholic.

LL

Well, we are all human after all. Being christian does not make us immune to feeling things, nor does it make us super duper strong.

Having recently learned a couple of lessons in this arena, I'd highly recommend against dating. See this thing through first and if things don't work out, take some time for healing, then cast out your lines. Only pain, confusion and more pain can come from jumping the gun on this one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

dewt

I know...

Dating==bad.
Patience==good.

I really don't want to date (okay, I'm lonely, I DO want a companion--but I want it to be my H. I've never in my life since a month before my 15th birday been "companionless" until now.)

I just entertained the thought because I think he's expecting me to just be sitting here in a couple years if, in fact, he decides that sleazy OW isn't what he wanted and that a relationship isn't all about sex after all.

Of course, what am I doing? Sitting here waiting on him just like he thinks I am. This is why I was entertaining the idea--have someone pick me up, have kids aware that I left with a man, and then I'm sure sooner or later, it would get back to WH and he could wonder.

But I don't want to date. I don't want my own heart broken any worse than it already is. I don't need extra guilt from doing something else that is wrong. And I don't want someone else to be lead on.

I'm just very confused right now. I know Ark and Mel and all the other were on track when they said "Plan B", but I am now aware that I did not have the strength at that time to do it, and thus I blew it bad. I may have done more damage than good.

Al-Anon was good, if for no other reason than to just get me away and with a group of women for an hour of my week talking about constructive things.
This is my third week of going now.

I am just "psyching out" because today was the day that WH was supposed to be done with OW, and I'm about 99% sure he's not. No matter how I tried not to get my hopes up, I did.

Do you still think there's any hope for a M when the A has been going strong in the daylight for almost 6 months now? Is there ever hope that it will end?

LL

er... not sure I'm the guy you want to be asking about hope right now... hmmmm... just kidding. er... kinda kidding.

Seriously though, stay strong. Even if it's only for yourself. That's my attitude right now. If he comes back down the road, the fact that you held the fort and didn't lose faith in him will go a long way. (Sounds to me like he could use someone having a little faith in him... even if he doesn't deserve it.)

If he doesn't return, then you will be able to file this in the full knowledge that you handled yourself in this difficult situation with great honour. That will go a long way towards your own healing either way.

I'm maybe a little to much in your shoes right now to give good advice, but that's the way I see it. So much of this right now is about me... and how I handle myself. I have no control over my wayward wife, but I do have control over myself. Well, mostly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> When this is over, one way or the other, I fully intend to be able to hold my head up high, secure in the knowledge that I did everything within my power to save this family.

dewt

Dewt,

So much of this right now is about me... and how I handle myself. I have no control over my wayward wife, but I do have control over myself. Well, mostly.

A) You are right about how we handle ourselves. I know I have control over myself, but I let WH's actions control me. I hate that about me. I do WANT to be strong, and I WANT to let God control my life, and I WANT to quit worrying. But I still make myself sick with anxiety. Do you ever wonder if the sick feeling will ever go away and you'll ever feel normal again?

B) As for your "Well, mostly.." I know your dating was wrong. But I can relate--not so much now, but I was a WS a long time ago. The P/A was very short, but the E/A (though I didn't realize that's what it would have been called) lasted a long time, both before and after the P/A. I was with my H the entire time with no intentions of leaving, but I do know now how easy it is to become entangled in something like that when you are vulnerable. (My H was being faithful at the time, but was drinking heavily and I had two small children and felt very unloved and un-pretty. Along came OM who made me feel like as somebody again and I was sunk.)

So that is another reason I am being very careful about who I open up to right now. And I know from reading your threads that you also know how vulnerable you are right now.

Maybe we do think alike in some respects. And I should own up to also having my profile on a website a couple months ago--just because I wanted a penpal who might understand what I was going through. But I got LOTS of weird replies (most from guys over 55?!?) and I only wrote a couple back, and then decided it was not right to have it there and deleted it. This was before I found the MB forum.

LL

<small>[ April 04, 2004, 11:53 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Hang in there everyone. It does get better and soon you will feel good again, with or without your spouse.

You just have to go through the different stages of grieving. I've been through the denial, the pain, the anger, indifference, and now to acceptance.

And remember, the odds are in your favor, most come back to the marriage.

LL,

Good morning. Well, today's a new day. Let's pray it brings better tidings.

You said a couple of things...

and I WANT to let God control my life,

I think we control our own lives. God has a plan, and can give guidance, but he gave us (for better or worse) free will. It's what we do with those choices that makes a difference.


Do you ever wonder if the sick feeling will ever go away and you'll ever feel normal again?

I don't know what normal is. I'm recovering from more than my Wife's betrayal... there are just way to many alcoholics in my family for me to fall into that trap... I chose pot instead and have been a lifestyle-type smoker for close to 20 years. I've been basically clean since I got here (about 3 months) so I'm just kind of discovering 'normal' for the first time.f

I do know now how easy it is to become entangled in something like that when you are vulnerable.

Me too. That kind of helps me accept all this and is partly why the affair itself doesn't seem to have the devastating impact on my emotions that others talk about. I really don't have visuals or anxiety about the fact that she was/is with someone else. For me it's the abandonement.

I'm grateful for you that you did not get entangled through that site. I'm feeling huge shame over the pain I brought to an innocent woman through all of this. She did not deserve that at all.

You just have to go through the different stages of grieving. I've been through the denial, the pain, the anger, indifference, and now to acceptance.

I think I'm in the anger stage, but I'm not sure. Funny how they seem to overlap and jump back and forth, eh?

And remember, the odds are in your favor, most come back to the marriage.

Hmmmm. Not sure how I feel about this one. One one hand I love my Wife, and I'm rooting for the marriage and family, but on the other hand I'm not to impressed with her right now.

dewt

Sorry about your weekend. Sounds like you have the support of your in-Laws!!

Wow, from you last post I had a revelation, an epiphany.

I am a controller also. I have been battling with this...not sure why I do it, not sure how I can stop it. Your last post just gaveme insight.

You wrote that your H's actions effect you. That's what it is...I feel like everyone's behavior around me effects my moods and happiness, and if I could control their actions...then I'd be happy. If I was able to keep them from hurting me...by controlling how they treated me, then I would be happy! But that's not how it works...I have to stop giving them the power over my life...I have to begin to innoculate myself from the thoughts that what they do is making me unhappy! What they do doesn't effect me AT ALL,it's what I think about what has happened...it's how I wrap my brain around their actions that makes me unhappy...how can I change that?

Thank you!

Just another day in the life of LL...

Message on my cell this morning--"OW is moving out" (so when did she move back in anyway?)

Message left back on WH's cell--"does this mean N/C or just that she's moving out? Oh, and by the way, I backed into DS's car. Who was it who painted our car last time? I'll pay for it."

Call back to me--"What the F do you want? I told you to back off. If you don't, you're not going to like what happens." (click..)

Message to WH's cell--"I am tired of playing 2nd fiddle to the OW. As your wife, I am selfish and want you for me. I was hopeful all week that you were breaking it off yesterday, as you said you would. I am lonely while you are in OW's arms. I need a life, too. I can't wait like this forever. If you want her, fine, but let's discuss the logistics of what needs to be done so I can move on, too. And by the way, you never told me who painted the car."

Call back to me--"***'s Body Shop. You know, you are like a broken record. I don't need this s***." (click...)

Another call to me--"And by the way, you lived an apartment for 18 months once. I've only been out for 2 months! What's the deal?"

Message back to his cell (because he won't answer my calls)--"I was only out for 18 months because you were having an A. I wanted to be home. Your A was going on for 5 months before you moved out. I've been dealing with something devastating for 7 months now. It is becoming very difficult. We need to meet and talk about money. You are charging on the CC. I am concerned that you will get behind and won't be able to make support payments and then I'll be stuck. Can we at least meet to talk about this?"

Call back to me--"You charged your rent on the CC while you were living in the apartment.

I replied, "Yes, but that was because I wanted you back and we repaid it as a team. My fear is that you'll charge up the joint card, and we'll still be apart, and I'll get stuck with the bill. If you were breaking contact now and we were repaying it, it would be no big deal."

His last call to me so far today--"I told you before that we were going to try N/C when she moved out." I replied, "That's great--that's all I wanted to hear this morning, but that's not what you said."

I want him back desparately (therein lies the problem!). But I've contacted an attorney today and discussed financial protection and what I need to do. In Iowa, a legal separation and a D are about the same--they cost the same and have the same effect as far as defining who gets and does what. One just ends the marriage and the other one doesn't. He doesn't even recommend legal separations anymore. He gave me some other ideas for financial protection, and then we discussed what a D would entail.

It's not what I want to do. I don't really know what to do since I've messed it all up so badly --go to a REAL Plan B if he really doesn't do N/C? (I get the feeling that our being apart for 2 months already has caused him to lose most of his love for me--not sure going to total dark wouldn't just finish it off). I wish with everything in me now that I'd not forced his hand at signing that lease in February. If he were still in the house, I might be able to work with things.

I have in my mind today a list of dates that I'm sure are too short, but I'm going nuts. I don't feel strong enough to just sit back and be alone for 2 more years.

I'm thinking:
-------------
4/14 - my next appointment with Dr. Chalmers - if N/C doesn't happen, I'll ask WH if he wants to be part of the call. If he says "no", I'll go to Plan B as best I can without an intermediary for kid stuff, if that's what she still recommends.

6/30 - If I'm still alive and sane, and he's made no changes, I will file for D.

Sept or Oct - If he's still made no changes, I will let D go through. It only takes about 100 days in Iowa.

I know this is only a year from the time his A started, and Dr. Harley said it could take 2 years, but if his A has been exposed to the light of day for a year and still nothing happens, is there hope that it ever will?

I'm really losing hope because he keeps saying he's trying to end it, but seems just as much in the fog as he was 7 months ago.

LL

Message to you...
Message left back
Call back to you...
Message back
Call back to you...
Another call to you...
Message back
Call back to you...
You replied
His last call so far today...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Why, oh why do you keep taking the bait? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

He keeps telling you you are a broken record and he doesn't want that. You are giving him excuses to stay involved with the OW.

Is it not obvious by now you cannot reason with him while he is involved in this A?

Insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Do something different.

Susan

Susan, it's more than that. She is chasing him, which only makes it worse. She is the one baiting him.

I like to be supportive in my posts...

but...

You are sounding almost as bad as me... learn to recognize these cycles and pre-emptively stop them. You will have far greater control when you learn to stop giving it away.

It's starts with you, m'lady. I'm not saying that it's fair that you have to take that, er... uh...shoot from him... try to recognize his moods and avoid situations like the one today. You should never have called back that second time. Can't change the past or anything, but make mental notes for the future.

Hope you are doing ok.

dewt