Yikes. What a sucky day.

One thing you said, "(Actually, he probably had already decided he didn't want to take me out, and was just waiting on an excuse to turn against me and then blame me for making it happen.)" went kind of 'ka-ching' as I read it. Mine does this too in her own ways, although I'm not sure she's aware of it.

I've often enough felt manipulated into LBing. I'm not always sure it's not just paranoia. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Mostly I think it's subconscious. How do you spell that word anyway? The thing is, we win when we fail to take the bait. That's what my aborted Plan B was about. It's still a battle.

It usually happens right after a good period of time between us, almost af it's an internal rebellion of some sort.

I'm trying to learn to see these things coming. If I can avoid getting sucked in before I realize it, I can usually brace myself and remind myself not to bite.

This is going to take some practice. Thing is, unlike every other thing about this whole devastation, it's the only thing that can give me some instant gratification. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I can get off the phone and pat myself on the back and be happy that I didn't lovebust. Not only that, but because I'm so busy feeling good about myself, that I completely forget to feel bad about her.

Now I gotta learn to do it more often and accept with grace the times that things don't go the way I wanted them too.

Sooooo, apart from that, how YOU doin'?

dewt

Oh, I'm still here. Still breathing. The big, black hole I keep wishing for hasn't come and swallowed me up yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Maybe I should just go to that late-night place and get another tattoo. Seems to make WH feel all better.

After ranting and venting on here a few hours ago, I forced myself to go get some food. I am just now getting around to eating it. I took DD with me and we went to Target and picked up a few goodies, too.

She's being very nice to me this evening. Probably because I fell apart and bawled like an infant in front of her and her friend in the car on the way home from the lake today. I apologized to her later, but she said it was okay, and not to worry about it.

I am switching to a different A/D as soon as I fill the prescription. Not by choice but because my insurance is dropping my original from their covered list, but the new one is supposed to be good. Let's hope it levels the moods. I am not usually a cry-baby.

Yeah, and about that taking the bait and LBing, I have to learn to do better, if I actually get another chance. I was feeling really good after last evening, because we had an awesome motorcycle ride in the sunshine--enough so, that I was even contemplating maybe getting a Harley for myself someday and actually learning to drive one, instead of just being a passenger on someone else's. This is something that has come up before between us, and he always told me I'd look good on one of this little bright yellow Sportsters.

We left on such good terms yesterday. I felt like I really left him with a great little memory. And then I go and blow it all up today and push him right back to her and make myself sick.

You'd think I'd learn. Patience--that's one of the things I think God is working on with me--and I'm just not getting it yet. I am really losing hope of this thing working out, and I am blaming myself for being the cause of it still going on.

I can't fathom not having him in my life as my partner ever again. I also can't stomach the thought of being single for the rest of my life.

I need to just keep reading the statement on my little Al-Anon bookmarker:

"Just for today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime."

LL

Tattoo therapy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> $100/hour and you don't need to take notes.

Glad to hear your daughter is doing ok.

Ya. The patience thing. I'm like so up and down it's not even funny. Ok, well I guess it is funny, but in a sick kind of hysterical laughing kind of way. heheheheh...

It's usually after a really good time together. Like when she was here for a week, everything went so perfect and when she had to go back I'd almost forgotten that we were apart and wasn't prepared to be all alone again.

Speaking of alone... why do you seem convinced that you will spend the rest of your life alone? Plan A and Plan B have time limits. If worse comes to worse, you will come out of this wiser and stronger and more confident and whole... put you on a Harley Davidson... (not one of those bright yellow pocket rockets) and I say you'll be cruisin'! I know the confidence levels are pretty low right now. Mine too, thinking about what I got passed up for sure doesn't help.

But as my Mom used to say, confidence is as confidence does... ok, she didn't used to say that. I saw it on Forest Gump, and he was talking about chocolate or something... maybe I should slow down on the coffee... Well, ANYWAY... you get the point.

dewt

LL, just checking on you. how are you doing today? i called you twice, but you wern't home. I hope that you find things you enjoy. We need to dicuss more about that. Ii hope you day went well.

Dewt,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> put you on a Harley Davidson... (not one of those bright yellow pocket rockets) and I say you'll be cruisin'! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, no...nothing not made by Harley. But the big bikes are a little too much for me. I may be 5'9", but I only weigh 118lb (no idea how to convert to metric or whatever it is you use up there in the great white north). If I ever get one, I want a Sportster, but there is a particular year (1997 maybe?) that they did one with a bright yellow tank. Not good for a guy, but great for a lady.

LNH,

I have been home a good part of the day after I got home from church at 1pm, but it was a very nice day here today--cloudy but nice temps and a strong breeze--and I've been working outside most of the day. It keeps my mind off things and the exercise really does make me feel calmer.

I don't have a real garden because my back yard is rocky clay underneath, but have two garden boxes that I try (mostly in vain) each year to grow herbs and veggies in. I hadn't cleaned out all the old dead stuff since last year's garden, so spent lots of time pulling and weeding. Then I fertilized my yard, and watered all my landscaping. After mowing yesterday and now this, I should be good and sore in a day or so.

Once it got dark, I've baked some banana bread, cleaned the kitchen, done three loads of laundry, and paid my parents' bills, and cleaned my sink (just to make Believer proud of me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

I have had my cell phone off all day. (Sorry, if you tried to call it.) I didn't want to face the strong probability that WH hadn't returned my call yet, and I really didn't want to talk to him either today. For whatever reason, he usually doesn't call the home phone anymore unless he's really worried. I think he's afraid he'll get one of the kids and not know what to say to them.

Unfortunately, in all my busyness, I forgot to go to my Al-Anon meeting at 7pm. That's two weeks I've missed, since I was out of town last Sunday. I need to get back on schedule there. I'm also going to try to get off work early on Wednesday evenings so that I can start going to the weekly meal/Bible-study that our church has. My pastor was encouraging me to do that when we talked today.

Overall, I've felt better, but it takes keeping myself moving almost 100% of the time. I don't dare sit down and think for too long.

How are you doing? Was your weather any less gloomy today? Did you get out and do anything with the kids? How is your DD doing?

Only 5 more days until the cruise, right? Do you leave immediately from there and go to the MBW?

I haven't read your thread yet today. This is the first I've been on line.

Yes, do just keep trying to call me. I'm a little hard to catch sometimes. Also, if DD is on line, our phone will just ring and ring like we're not home because of our call-waiting. Normally I have the cell on. Just not today.

LL

<small>[ April 18, 2004, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL, glad you got busy yesterday. That is the best way to get our mind off. How are you doing today?

Yesterday's weather was good. But there was not much can be done in the yard, so I walked again. I kept reading different books and Bible.

DD's mood is on and off. I am praying for her. I will take her to conseling this afternoon. hoep she get a good one.

Yes, 5 more days to the cruise. I will come back home first, then next day will go to MBW.

Hey there,

Good to hear about your good times and sorry to hear about your dip in the rollercoaster ride. You are doing well, mostly, but that's still not good enough. You have to cut out ALL LB's. All of them, not a single one has to get through...

Your alien H's behavior should be ignored...ignored...ignored!!!

He is an alien right now. His body has been taken over by an alien pod...have you seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Rent it, he is a pod person. He is NOT your loving H, nowhere near resembling him, he is someone else. You do not want him now. It's OK to miss him, but do not miss the man he is now, he is another creature. He is in a heavy fog, and not just the alcohol, but that helps too. He is not doing these things on purpose TO you, he is just not THINKING at all...he doesn't have a plan...and you can't figure him out.

You are getting closer and closer to the point where you have to protect yourself and your love FROM him. Begin to preserve the memory of who he really is...

My idea about the reason why fewer than 85% of M from A's work out...because they M in such a fog, when they start showing their REAL selves, each of the partners looks at each other as though they are strangers...which they are.

Sooooo, what to do now? What are his top needs? Recreational companionship...excellent, you did that...keep doing that. Admiration, and affection. Play with him, have fun, you have about another few weeks to show him what fun you can be before you'll need to switch to a hard Plan B (for your sake, and when you're ready).

As far as the camper goes? Stick with the original plan...you had both agreed to sell it, it's time to sell it. He will either move in with her...probably the best...or move in with you...maybe not the best yet.

He will probably not come back until he reaches bottom. Don't put a mattress under him...let him hit hard. The harder he falls, the less he will want to be there again. And if he never reaches that bottom? Do you want him to take you down too?

Plan B is for YOU!!! To become stronger, to work on yourself, to work on YOUR end of the R, and if need be, to help yourself learn to live without him...

You are strong and loving...and no more LB's, they don't work on an alien...

I think I am getting closer to being ready for Plan B, even though I still DON'T want to do it.

Having my cell phone shut off all day yesterday and having nice weather so that I could work in the yard made for a pretty relaxing day. If they were all like that, it wouldn't be so hard, but I think way too far ahead and am already worrying about what I'll do when fall comes if he's still not back.

About 11pm last night, the home phone rang while DD was on it. It was WH. She told him I'd call him back on my cell. Well, when I turned it back on to call him, I had 21 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> text messages from him. Granted, about a third of them were just repeats--he'd sent them once and thought they didn't go through so sent them again.

The first messages were very angry and cutting. Lots of curse words and his vocalizing how he needs time for himself and that I didn't need to vent on mutual "person".

Then the messages got a little nicer. Then they went to "Booooo!". And finally, the last one said, "Please just acknowledge that you are getting my texts."

Well, we talked for a little while, but nothing has really changed. He's still with OW. He now doesn't think he's moving to the camper but may just live at the shop (like that's going to work at all?!).

He can't live with OW right now because she lives with friends. She's pushing hard again for him to rent an apartment big enough for her and the baby to live in, and he knows if they move in with him, he'll never have the guts to kick them back out. So, he'd just stay with her forever and be miserable.

As for recreational companionship with him, that's what I was trying to do Saturday night, but it is very difficult to get him to spend any time with me. And weekends are almost impossible because they're "her" time with him.

I originally thought maybe if he was out of the pod by June, he might want to come to DisneyWorld with the kids and I. I still have to decide for sure if I'm going to keep the reservations I made for kids and myself. But last night, DS asked what it would cost to add another plane ticket and Disney pass, etc. I think he's thinking about paying his girlfriend's way down.

All well and good except that the room will only hold 4 people, and if she goes, we have 4 before WH. So even if he wanted to go at that point, he really couldn't.

SHMI,

I am trying to remember he's a pod person and that he isn't the person now that he used to be. It just makes me very sad to think he may never be again.

So, I'm going to leave work at a decent time today, cook dinner for DD (DS and girlfriend didn't have school today so are on a road trip to Minneapolis and won't be home until very late), and then maybe get the stecils out and try to do in my master bath what I've wanted to do for 3 years.

Gotta' keep myself so busy that I just don't have time to think about him. But I need to do less physical things for a while. I'm so stiff from all the weekend yard work I can barely move today, even on Advil!

LL

So much for stenciling the master bath. I had to run back downtown, and asked DD if she'd like to go out out to eat, since it was just the two of us. Surprisingly, she agreed. We ended up at Outback. I came home too stuffed to care about doing anything else but sitting around.

DS and girlfriend made it home from Minneapolis in one piece a little while ago, so I can quit being such a mom and worrying about him. It was his first big roadtrip by himself.

I did actually see WH tonight on my way home the first time. He made mention on a text of something that mutual person said and said he had a "question" for me. I had a bad feeling about more of my words being twisted, so actually drove to the shop after work before he could leave. He refused to tell me what it was--said it wasn't a big deal and it was said when mutual person was drunk and he wasn't going to worry about it.

It was really starting to bug me, and then I said something about my argument with her about what I was spending on Jennifer's sessions and she accused me of wasting money to "validate my actions".

I'm not sure exactly what she told him, but apparently it stemmed around this subject. It caught his attention and he looked surprised. All I can assume is that she somehow turned it around and made it sound like I was plotting against him. I assured him that I was doing it for US and because I was willing to do everything I can do to try and save our marriage.

I hate to give up someone who has been a friend for almost 20 years, but right how she's really pi***ng me off. So I told him what I told her, that I'm not talking to her again until he makes his decision one way or the other. I refuse to have my statements misinterpreted and twisted. If I say something, I mean what I say. I don't need someone trying to translate it for me.

Oh, and during my argument with her, when she told me WH left, I said I was going to find him and would go to his apartment if I needed to because I wanted to talk to him. I specifically said I DID NOT want to argue, to fight or to cause trouble of any kind, but just wanted to understand what happened that day.

While that may have been a stupid idea in theory, my DD and her friend heard me say no argue, no fight. What does WH tell me mutual person did shortly after I talked to her? She picked up the phone, called WH's apartment because she knew OW was there, and told her she needed to leave NOW because I was on my way up.

What did she think I was going to do? Deck her? (Sorry, I value what looks I do have enough that I don't need someone coming back with a fist to my face.) So mutual person got everyone in a big uproar for nothing. She may be trying to help, but she's causing a bunch of problems. I told WH tonight that I've already had my face-to-face with OW, and that I will not stoop low enough to participate in some childish fight with her. I am not her caliber. I simply wanted clarification on why he stood me up. (And DUH! I know, I know---it's because he's having an A and he's in a fog!)

LL

It's raining here today so is gloomy, but at least it will water my fertilizer into my lawn so that I don't have to water it myself.

WH sent me a text this morning wishing me a good day. He does this every now and then. At least I know he thought about me for an instant.

Text'd me again about an hour ago asking how my day was going. Responded, and asked him the same. His last text back to me just said, "This weather and my situation are depressing the h*** out of me!"

I assured him that the depression was common and that maybe A/D's would help, and asked if there was anything I could do. Haven't heard back.

So, is this depression a positive sign, a negative sign, no sign at all, or just fog?

LL

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL, you are finally here. Miss you.

If you can ignore your Wh's message, i bet he will miss you. Plan B maybe good for you. I know how hard it is. But if you want him back, please do it.

LNH,

Miss you, too. The downfall of keeping myself so occupied is that I spend less time at home and posting here. I do miss that. I'm planning on being home tonight by no later than 7pm my time. And since it's raining, I won't be working outside.

I know, I really do need to Plan B. I am just holding out, for what reason I'm not really sure anymore, until after WH has to move out of his apartment at the end of the month. Then it's just a matter of deciding how to go about it, if nothing changes by then, since DS graduates from HS in May and WH will have to be around for the ceremony, the open house, and should also be for DS's birthday at the beginning of May.

I have been frequently reading the "we're doing great in Plan B" thread that Tinman started just to try and prove to myself that I will survive and may actually feel better.

I'm glad you didn't run into any cars today. That's very scary. I also know how it helps to be tired, because you can sleep easier and just escape things, and even when you're awake, your mind doesn't wander as much. I am glad to hear you are eating better.

I better get back to work, but will check in again later.

LL

LL, I am glad you are reading that posting. I do too, try to find peace and help from there. I don't know wheh to do it, but I am sure will do it. I found that posting here and praying give me a lot of peace.

The whether here is gloomy, I hope that it rain, b/c the grass started getting dry.

I am in the library now, just across from D's school. she wanted me to pick her up at 4pm. I also checked out The Divorce Remedy, and try to ge a cup of coffee and read it. After going home I may go for a walk.

Another not-so-bad day. I have again kept myself very busy. First, didn't leave work when I intended because it was a typical spring day in Iowa. Rain and gloom all day, and tornado sirens started blowing at about 6pm. I work on the 8th floor of an office building and have a nice west-facing glass wall.

Those of us still working turned up our nose at the thought of actually doing what we're supposed to do in this event (taking 8 flights of steps down to the basement parking garage) and decided we'd work and I'd be the spotter (since I'm the one with the window). It did get pretty ugly, but we didn't blow away.

By the time I got home, DS's poker group was assembing. I fixed dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, cleaned the trash from my car, and changed the kittys' litter boxes (tomorrow is trash day). Now it's almost 10pm and I don't have the energy to stencil. Maybe tomorrow night.

I did talk to WH today just before the storms. The wife of the couple that OW lives with had her father pass away suddenly last Saturday, so WH was taking OW to the wake. He didn't sound thrilled. I asked if he was going, too. He said "no" but I'll bet she roped him into it.

On one hand I think he's not nearly as happy and enjoying this A as he was in the beginning. But on the other hand, I think he's so stuck in the pattern and so stuck on his feelings for her that he is as frozen in his spot as I seem to be in my inability to Plan B.

LL

Hey glad to hear you are doing ok.

You said, "I think he's so stuck in the pattern and so stuck on his feelings for her that he is as frozen in his spot as I seem to be in my inability to Plan B." Which got me to thinking that from the sound of it, now is your time to shine in Plan A. Give him some steady and patient incentive to get unstuck.

dewt

Dear LL,

About your so called friend.

With friends like this you do not need enemies. This person is NOT YOUR FRIEND.

Please stop all contact with her. She is a drama queen and is feeding on causing trouble. She twists everything around and just causes more trouble than you already have or need.

Please stop all conversations and contact with her. At least stop giving her ANY information about your WS and ow. Just tell her you are getting along fine. Don't talk to her about your WS or any of the problems you are having.

It seems your WS listens to her drama and this is a big LB for you. Stop LBing by talking to this so called friend. NOT.

You are getting alot more support and good advice on this board than this person is giving you. This person is NOT helping your situation. Please try to understand that.

You really, really do not need people in your life that are not helping. This person is not helping, she is hurting you. Pleasepleaseplease listen to me.

This person is not helping you. This person is continuing the problems, adding to them, and you need to look at this in a different way. Is this healthy for your marriage? Is it helping you or supporting you? What good comes from talking with this person?

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ April 20, 2004, 11:55 PM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Miss M,

In looking at the situation as objectively as I can, I do think you may be on to something about mutual "person" being a drama queen and feeding on the trouble. She has spent $22,000 in legal fees trying to get her handicapped DD educated. While I do believe she has gained a lot in this, I think she has gone about it with the same attitude she deals with me in--she's always in someone's face threatening them.

I do regret 99% of what I've told her about WH because she does twist it. Whether she means to or genuinely thinks she's helping someone I don't know. I just know I don't want a M like hers where liquer bottles and punches get thrown at each other in drunken brawls, and yet she feels she has a healty relationship.

I've listened to her and taken her advice when I shouldn't because I know how often she sees or speaks to my WH, and thought maybe she really did have insight, but it's gotten me nowhere except in more hot water.

So I'm trying very hard not to communicate with her, and hoping she doesn't get so angry she divulges the few remaining things to him that aren't supposed to be mentioned.

Dewt,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Which got me to thinking that from the sound of it, now is your time to shine in Plan A. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am trying to Plan A until the end of the month when WH has to figure out where he's going. Problem is, when he's living somewhere else and spending all of his time with OW, and the only contact I have each day with him is a few text messages and maybe a short phone call, it's darned hard to Plan A. There is no opportunity to build up LU's with him.

LL

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 12:10 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Hey there,

Interesting friend there, and when I say interesting I mean that in a bad way. You have told her some things you don't want H to know? I'll bet you ANYTHING she's already told him. Time to come clean with H. Tell him you want to meet and tell hiim the things you've meant to say for awhile...time to steal her thunder. A M should be built on Radical Honesty...

One thing I wanted to whack you about though...so here comes the 2X4 (and beleive me, I've gotten this one MANY times, and still do, so this board has some dents in it). You and he have a pretty good text relationship going on until you interject your DJ into. YOU suggest to HIM he needs to be on A/D....excuuuuussse me? Did he ask for your advice? Are you his Dr.? I think DJ's permeate your attitude with him so much, you don't even know when you are DJing anymore. have you apologized for your behavior pre-A? Have you worked on making it a better M on your end? I'd say yes you have, but there's still more work to do. Who made you Queen? It's hard to be married to a monarch....remember that. Humble yourself and be loving and sweet in EVERY interaction with your H.

And the part about making excuses for him staying with OW? Puhleeze, he is staying there because he wants too. He is not trapped. He probably complains to the OW about you just as much as he complains to you about her. He was able to leave you and the kids pretty easily. He WILL be able to leave her too.

Please don't throw him any more lifesaving devices...he can swim!

Alright, 2X4 safely tucked away. Do you need it for your "friend"?

I thought about the DJ thing when I sent the text about the A/D's..but sent anyway. I know, I'm so used to giving him advice/help all the time it does come naturally. On one hand, he just expected me to take care of everything when we were together. He generally didn't even like to go to the doctor if I wouldn't go along. When he moved out, he asked me how he needed to go about getting the electric transferred to his name. He's never done these things ever before. I did all of them from the time we were first together.

But you are right. I don't need to give him advice he doesn't ask for. If he's feeling depressed, how should I respond?

And yes, he was able to leave the kids and I easily because he knows we can get by on our own (well, we need his child support, but we know how to take care of ourselves). I think I've shot myself in the foot over the years by not making him take care of me from time to time. He has this feeling of "responsibility" for OW. Especially since she has no real place to live and no car, she relies totally on him. He's afraid to walk out on her. (I think he's also very afraid to give up the sex.)

I'm having problems figuring out what I can do. I'm trying to Plan A, at least until the end of April when he has to decide his next move in his housing situation. But it's very hard to Plan A when you never see the person. Do I invite him to dinner again, or is that pushing? Will he feel "obligated" to come even though he really doesn't want to. This was evidentally the situation over the weekend. He originally committed to taking me out on Saturday night, then got to mutual person's house, had some drinks, played some cards, and changed his mind and was just going to stand me up from what I could tell.

I'm having one of those days today when I'm thinking more about him, probably because he's text'd me a few times--just goofy stuff. What if he never gives her up? I can't comprehend life without him in it. But what if he does come back, and he hasn't changed--and he's drinking and refusing to be honest and still not calling on time, etc. If I let him come back and then that happens, I'm stuck.

I'm frustrating myself right now, so better just find a way to quit thinking about it. I do better that way.

As for the 2x4 for the mutual person, yes, I do need it, I think. As for what I've told here, a lot of it has just been venting about WH (which she has probably already told him).

LL

LL - Glad to see you made it through the tornado. I have been worried about folks in the midwest.