LL, glad you survived the tornado. I don't watch much TV, so I don't get much news either.
I got it from Believer.

Well, your mutual friend is not doing any good to you, no matter what her intention is. As I read the Divorce Remedy, it was point out that you may get the worst advice from your close friend and family. If you have a chance, please read it. You don't have to dump her as a friend, but just don't talk to her about your M. Just talk here.

I tried not to think about WH, everytime I think about him, I talked to GOD and praise him. It is easy to say than do. But I need to do it. Besides, I am doing a lot of walking now. Today i walked to CVS to some eye drops and other items WH asked for. It made me feel good and tired, so I can sleep at night. If you are here, we can walk together. Miss you. If I have time, i will call you before leaving Friday morning.

Believer and LNH,

Thanks for your concern. Don't get too worried when you see all the tornado news. They are really bad--far more powerful than most hurricanes, but they hit such a small area generally, that the odds are very small that I would ever be hurt. I am just used to the warnings at this point, and usually only seek the recommended cover if the sky is that spooky shade of green overhead. (I say this with some hesitation, as about half of my 300-person home town was destroyed by several powerful tornados one night in the mid-80's, right after I moved away. It was very scary to see what they can do. They only blew the windows out of my grandmother's house and blew away a shed, but left only a center room standing in her neighbor's house. Very wierd!)

LNH, I'm glad you're getting out and walking and becoming more active. It sounds like you are succeeding in taking your mind off your situation.

I used to have a more difficult time on the weekends, but now since the weather was so nice for the last couple and I got out and did things, I'm having more problems during the week as I sit here and work. My mind wanders...and it wanders to WH.

I'm going to try and leave in time to make it to our Wednesday meal and Bible study tonight. I feel strange going, since I haven't been to it in almost 2 years, but I need to be around people, and those people need to be people who share my beliefs. Mutual person doesn't, and I think that is part of our problem right now. She has a very "worldly" view of what should happen.

LL

I've struggled a little more today than the last couple days. It's probably good that I made it to the church dinner and Bible study tonight to take my mind off it for a little while.

I did, however, eat the absolute worst broccoli casserole I've ever eaten. I took one bite and it took everything in me to swallow it. It was rancid--something was very wrong. The woman sitting beside me must have seen me make a face, because as I tried to take the second bite, she says quietly, "LL, don't do it." And she smiled and admitted she tried three bites and she couldn't get the taste out of her mouth. As I sit her three hours later, I can STILL remember the taste! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Blech!!

So I'm here at home. It's early enough to start stenciling in the master bath, but since I've been fighting off a migraine all day, I finally broke down and took my prescription med and am just killing time waiting to feel better, and then I'm going to bed early.

WH called tonight before I left work asking if this was the night I was making salmon loaf (I'd text'd him a couple nights' dinner plans and told him he was welcome to join one if he wanted). He had his nights mixed up. He sounded disappointed when I told him it was tomorrow. Tonight must have been "girls night out" for OW and her friend or something.

Then he said, "Well, I thought you had Friday night open." I told him I have both nights open and one will be salmon and the other, tacos. He's welcome to join either one if he wants.

So that's my attempt at Plan A. I can't make him come. All I can do is fix the food. But when he says little things, then I let myself have expectations, and then when he breaks his plans (which he does nearly all of the time), I get hurt again.

One of the ladies at church shared with me that a friend of hers husband left her a number of years ago. They could never tell that he was seeing anyone else--he just left. He was gone for 6 years and she never did D him. He finally died in his apt of an apparent heart attack. Her point, I think, was that this woman wasn't comfortable with D. She was just going to wait on him forever if she had to.

I can't imagine giving up and never having WH in my life anymore. But I told her I didn't think I could go six years like this either, and that even though I don't want D, I believe God allows it in this situation should it come to that. She sort of grimmaced and said, "You have to do whatever you feel is right." I have a feeling if things don't work out, there will be a number of people who feel I should stay single and never date or marry again.

Okay, I'm getting the cart MILES in front of the horse here. I think weird things when I have migraines. I have a little trouble thinking rationally. My mind wanders even more than usual.

I'll quit now...

LL

LL, I think about you all the time. I am sorry for what you went through. Like you, I used to get something what WH said and got disappointed. I learn not to do that. Please look up inon GOD. We can not put our hope in human, especially this situation now.

I wanted to call you so much last night. But I was so tired, I even did not pick up sis's called. She called twice, I finally told her that i had to talk to her today.

Please cheer up. I keep prayinf for you. Keep you in my mind.

Great job cutting out the LB's...that's exactly the way to handle it...leave the door open. Invite, but don't advise him as to what decision to make. Yes, it is hurtful...they are looking out for themself only.

These thoughts of 'never', 'always', and the future are a bit self-defeating, but sometimes they are important to help you get to a point where you can start to see yourself without WS, and that's when they get scared....

So, now you see yourself moving closer to Plan B. You know when it will be time, when the hurt becomes too unbearable, and you are losing your love for him. You will want to remove yourself from the hurt and drama of the pod-person's games.
And save your strength for the after party. There are no guarantees here, that's why many folks say, prepare yourself for the worst...but the situation looks good for him to come back...he's not happy with OW, won't M her, and misses you.

So, LB's have stopped...always put the decision making in his court...don't decide for him. And now time to lay on the charm. You have hinted around at one of H's biggest EN...he wants to feel needed!! He wants to be the KISA (Knight In Shining Armor). But he also feels burdened by it. What he wants is to feel needed and admired. Things that with the DJ LB's get taken away from him. Sooooo...things to say!!

I love you and miss you.

You were more than a H to me, you were the person I leaned on and helped me.

The house is not the same without you. We need you.

(Time to be specific here...some examples.)

I loved the way you would cook....and would love for you to come over and do it again...I really miss that.

......has not been the same since you haven't been here, it is broken now.

I miss spending time with you (and guys love this) you are my hero, and I miss my hero.


Just some ideas. Admiration, admiration, admiration!!!!!

I have tried to tell him how much I appreciate him lately. I've also mentioned that his doggies miss him. And told him last week that the yard is brown and ugly because it hasn't had his love and care that it's used to. I have a very brown thumb.

I will try to think hard before I make a comment that might be considered a DJ (and I'm full of them, so a few may slip through).

The hard part is preparing myself for what may happen on the 30th, when he moves out of the apartment. If he moves in with OW, that will be very difficult for me and I know all the pain will come flooding back. Right now, we're sort of just holding steady--not going forward or backward--so as long as I keep very busy, I've just had the empty ache most of the time, and not the extreme agony that I was having just a few weeks ago.

I will offer dinner tonight or tomorrow night. I was thinking of going to the Omaha zoo either Saturday or Sunday (I prefer Saturday so as not to miss church, but DD has something going on she doesn't want to miss, so wants to go Sunday). I mentioned it to WH, and asked if he'd like to join us, and at first his ears picked up. Neither of us have seen their new desert exhibit yet. But then I think it sunk in that he'd have to be away from OW on a weekend day and he's not so keen on it.

As for Plan B and preparing for the worst, that's what I've been not wanting to do. I just sit here in Plan Whatever and live in denial. But I can't do it forever. It's not really a life.

LL

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Sounds like you are doing a GREAT job!!! And don't take WH's unwillingness to do something with you on Sunday as picking OW over you, he may be afraid of what she would say. It's really ironic but it gets to the point where if the WH spends time with the W then he feels like he's cheating...yuk.

I would try to spend as much time as I could with him...drop by the shop with his favorite brownies. Write him a sweet note with your favorite bible verse. IMO it looks like Plan B is inevitable, and the sooner you get there, the sooner he can begin to feel the consequences of his A. Right now he is cake-eating, how long will you put up with that?

End of the month is a GREAT time to start the Plan B. Get your ducks in a row now. And time to sell the camper, that was the agreement, that is DS college fund after all...which is more important, H's fling or DS's education?

Maybe you can sit down with dear old dad and explain why you have to sell the camper. You can also tell him you don't want a D but that the situation is getting very hurtful. Ask him if he is planning on a D?

I see no way out of the stalemate right now. You are too special a woman to put up with a fog-bound alien that would only come home because he had nowhere better to be...

This is scary, but you are much better placed for Plan B than you were before...have you thought about when you will make the move?

Right now I don't know when I might have to Plan B. I thought about seeing what he decides for housing and doing it around the first of May.

But then we have DS's 18th bday on 5/2, his graduation open house on 5/22, and his actual graduation on 5/26. There's also the matter of the company trip I have to take 5/10-5/12 (the one where WH was originally going to ride down on the Harley and spend a few extra days with me). WH will now probably be the one who gets to stay with the kids at my place while I'm gone.

It just gets complicated.

And the camper thing is equally complex. If he lives in it, I can't sell it. I can't sell it without forcing his hand anyway, because it's in both our names. When he moves out at the end of April, if he doesn't rent another place, his two living choices for the longer term are the camper and home. He can't very well live at the shop for any length of time. There isn't even a shower. So if we sell it, it might force him to rent a place with OW if he's not ready to come back home.

I just depressed myself by reading the post about "Lora's" success story which is probably a success for her, but is not what I want. Her M ended in D. So did the person's posting. So have several other posters on the forum. I am feeling less and less like there's hope of mine turning around, and wondering if all this hype about A's eventually ending is just to make us hang on to the hope. Sure, maybe the one-night-stands do, but what about those like my WH and so many others are in. Do they really end, or do we eventually just let go?

Well, DS is working tonight, DD is going out with friends for dinner, and WH left a text in response to my dinner invitation that simply said "tomorrow". So I'm on my own. Once again, dinner will probably come out of a bag or box from my freezer. Yum.....

LL

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL, hang in there. Don't think too far. GOD will handle everything.

I am listening to a message. It said that GOD has his was to do things. He will not be like some moms, whenever the baby cries, then there is a bottle. He won't give us the bottle right away, he know when it is the right time. We just have to be patient.

I'm trying to be patient. Patience doesn't come easy for me.

I did have dinner out of a bag. From the freezer to the skillet to the plate in about 10 minutes. Quality cooking!

From there I actually forced myself to start the bathroom stenciling project. This the first time I've ever done it and I am NOT crafty or creative, so I was quite proud of myself that I finished one 5' wall and it looks pretty good. It may take another year to get the rest done, though.

The key for me is to just keep busy. Never let myself have a moment to think. If I have quiet time, I get myself in trouble by thinking too far ahead. I "what-if" myself into insanity.

I have managed to get through another day and keep myself busy enough that I've only had a few moments to really think. Now I'm sleepy from my Xanax, so it's time to read my Bible and go to bed and start the whole routine over again tomorrow.

My mind tells me that God has a plan for me and that it will be his timing, and that I have to just be patient and I will receive his blessings. My heart feels the pain of loneliness, though, and wants it to all be better very soon!

LL

Just read a very inspirational story

K's Story

This was similar to my story.

Found out about H's EA that progressed to PA in 3/2003. He had been seeking for years (since we were married?) and finally found someone that wanted to play. Went out on a few dates and I found out. I yelled, screamed, cried, said it was over...then I found this site. I read about the LB's and realized the mistakes I had been making...thought I'd change my behavior...if not for him, then for the next man. He said he wanted to work it out, sent her a NC email.

The next month was rough. Big-time withdrawal, and I tried to Plan A the whole time. There was NC, but he was just so grumpy and quick to anger. I finally told him the end of April that he didn't seem like he wanted to live with us and I thought he should move out to decide what he wanted. He had his clothes moved out the next day.

I waffled and kept in contact with him. Tried a Plan B, but it would never work out. He was a stay at home dad and had to come to the house every day to watch our daughter.

The day after he moved out he got back in touch with the OW. I caught them one night on IM and IMed her that I thought he was lying to both of us...she got off quickly. He had told her I was OK with them going out... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I had made plans for our vacation, it was going to be fun, and he wasn't to join us. His family lived nearby so he visited them during the week, and when the in-laws came to see us all, he came to... It was a very relaxing vacation, camping for a week. I came to realize how much I had depended on him, and I had worked hard at maintaining a camp the whole week, by myself!!!

After posting on here, I realized H and I were in a stalemate, not really in a plan, I was trying to Plan A, but hard to do when he had moved out. Would like to go to Plan B, but hard to do with him coming over every day. I knew I had to give him a clue how to come back to us and the M, what I expected. I wrote him a Plan B letter. I put in it guidelines for coming back to the M. I gave him five things to accomplish before things would begin to get better between us...1. NC with OW (a given) 2. IC 3. Check on Meds (A/D?) 4. Be accountable for time and money (be honest) 5. Give me and kids more time and attention.

Before leaving on our vacation I had given him the letter. At first he was angry, said I was forcing him to do these things. I very calmly said it wasn't up to me whether he decided to do these things or not. He could choose not to, I would deal, but that if he wanted to come home and back to the M these are the things he would have to do. I left for work with him being angry. He followed me out to my car and said, yes, he would do these things.

While on vacation he had a talk with his Dad about the A and what was going on. His Dad didn't seem to care (he's D). And thought H should have not told me the truth about A when I confronted him. H lost some respect for Dad that day. He also IMed OW and told her NC.

When he got home, things were different between us, we worked on a NC letter and sent it, he started IC, and started taking A/D's. He moved back in August 2003.

There have been some rough times...times when we've fallen into some old habits and I was ready to leave a few times. I hold out and things get better. We are both learning some new ways to treat each other and things are better now. We're a year past D-day, but not yet a year into recovery. I know last year it consumed my life...it is MUCH better now.

SHMI,

So you never really went to a Plan B. How long did your WH's A continue after you found out about it.

I'm being a worrier again today. I sent text to WH this morning to let him know that DD had school for sure and to let me know she got the message.

The text back: "ok"

I sent another text later in the morning asking him to let me know when DD was home.

Response: A quick call saying she's here and then he quickly let me go.

He also didn't leave his normal "good morning" message he's been leaving for the past few days again.

Do you think he's regretting committing to dinner tonight and is trying to get out of it or ignore me again? If I get stood up twice, I'm going to be really angry and pretty sure that he has no desire or intention to work anything out with me ever. More and more, I think he just doesn't want to give up his friendship with me, and thinks that if we keep making nice with each other, he can have his young lover and then his friend when he needs her.

But I don't want to believe that. I do want him back. I just don't want him back the way he is right now. But I don't want to be alone either. I even find myself thinking about whether or not I could date someone else, because I'm so lonely (I don't mean date while M. I mean give up on this whole thing and end the M so I am free to seek out someone who will love me.) But then I think of all the memories with WH and I can't get past them. I can't imagine vacationing with someone else, playing house with someone else, or being intimate with someone else. It just doesn't feel right.

Furthermore, I won't marry someone unless they're widowed, never married or D because their spouse cheated--slim pickins. And my entire social life consists of Bunco (with 11 women), Al-Anon (all women), church on Sunday morning at a small church, and now maybe church on Wednesday night at that same small church. No real possibilities there either, except maybe one recently-widowed guy about 10 years my senior who I barely know and who probably has no intentions of ever marrying again. (To his credit, he isn't a bad-looking guy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

So, I'm thinking WAY into the future, trying to figure out something I can't figure out.

Any of you Plan B'ers reading my thread? If so, how would I even go about doing a Plan B with the three major events coming up next month (DS's 18th bday, graduation open house, graduation ceremony--all different days)?

And do you think I've let this go on so long that it's too late for a Plan B to even make a difference?

LL

Hmm, I never thought about it, but you're right, I didn't Plan B. I thought I had...I guess I had tried and failed. It was difficult with the kid situation (heard that before, huh?)

What also helped is that after H moved out OW wasn't interested in romantic involvement, just friendship...but found out later she had recently gotten out of R where she was the OW before <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Soooo, how can you move to put the heat on OW and H? Do her friends now? Her parents? She is probably telling them that he is D or separated...not the case (there's no legal document between you two.) Who can you expose the A to that may not be hearing the whole story?

But, what about Jennifer's advice that you not call him unless he calls you....time to step back. Each text or phone call reminding him about something he is supposed to do is nagging and DJ that he is not going to remember something. Let the chips fall if he doesn't remember...it is not YOUR FAULT if he doesn't remember, stop trying to save him!!!

So what if he doesn't come by tonight? What time did he say he'd be by? 7? Then wait till 7:15, if he's not there then it's time for a trip to the sign of hte Bell or the arches and a good chick flick at the cheap theater (someplace you have to turn off you cell for) and home...no calls. If he calls you, call him back in the morning and tell him you waited but had something else you could do, so you did it.

If he comes by, treat him very cordially, remember the compliments, keep it light, if he wants to talk about the R, say...another time, let's just have a good time now...no questions.
Let him see the new LL!!

OW's friends know, they know he's still M, and they invite him to dinner and to drink with them. NO morals in the whole group. His coworkers know--they "just want him to find happiness."

OW's mom and dad both know he's not D, I think, but I don't know that they're unaware that he hasn't filed for D. I don't have her mom's name or number. Could call her dad, but doubt it'd make a difference. He took custody of her 8-yr-old daughter from her, so doubt he thinks highly of what she does anyway.

I think everything has been exposed that can be.

So far no response back from him as to if he's coming for dinner. I just called him and left a message asking if he was still planning it, and that if he wasn't, to please just give me a courtesy call. That's about all I can do.

I think something happened last night--just don't know what. Originally, when he thought dinner was Wednesday night, he seemed tense when he found out it was Thursday instead. So we picked Friday. He was very quiet last night, and has been very quiet today. I think he and OW must have done something last night that has affected his relationship with me. Maybe he made her a committment of some kind? Maybe they had a night of wild, great sex?

I do believe he truly feels he's cheating on her when he sees me. That does make me sick.

LL

Hey there, one thing you wrote struck kind of a nerve:

I do believe he truly feels he's cheating on her when he sees me.

My W was here for a visit over the Easter holidays and we shared a bed. We were kinda intimate but there were limits. I got the same kind of impression... that she felt she was cheating on OW.

I'm still not sure how I feel about it. One one hand it makes me feel sick, on another hand it made me feel kinda good, on yet another hand it make me kinda angry.

I always wanted to have three hands, but there's got to be a better way...

dewt

Well, he did agree to dinner tonight. So far I haven't been "officially" stood up, but he's not here yet.

First, there is this 40th bday of a coworkers (the coworker that started this whole mess by introducing him to OW). He wanted to go. Since I running a little late with dinner and he was running late leaving the shop, we decided he should just go there first, but call me or be her by 8:30.

He did call at 8:30--said he was taking the guy's son a ride around the block on the Harley and then would leave and would be here.

That was an hour ago. Coworker lives 15 minutes from my house. I text'd 15 minutes ago just a simple "coming soon?". No response. I also called--he didn't pick up his phone, so left a voice message cheery-like but just that I couldn't keep dinner warm much longer and to give me a call and give me an update.

So far, nothing. I worry that something has happened to him on the bike. I'm sure he's had a few drinks. More likely, is that he's back at coworker's house after the bike ride, sat down to shoot the bull, had some more drinks and is camped out there now.

What do I do? Just eat my dinner now and go on about my life and not get just a teeny bit angry. I've been very nice tonight, and actually he has been, too. But now...nothing....

I hate this. I hate it even more than if I just didn't do anything for him at all.

I don't even care now if he comes here to eat. I just want him to call me and tell me he's okay and let me know why he isn't coming.

LL

Okay, I ended up not being officially stood up. WH arrived at 11pm, after apparently giving half the city rides on his bike.

He ate. We made a bit of small talk. I asked if he'd take me on a short ride. Somewhere in there he was getting snippy and I must have said something he took offense to. He said "Fine! I guess we won't go." I quickly difused it and told him I wasn't trying to pick a fight--that it seemed he was the one feeling angry. He calmed. We rode in absolutely freezing weather to the shop were he switched the bike for his truck and brought me home.

All was well until something was said, not even sure what now, but struck a nerve with him and he said something back, and I said something back. Not fighting at all, but just hitting some sensitive nerves.

And then it happened: I knew he had heard something from mutual person (not friend AT ALL) that he wasn't divulging to me that was really bothering him, and it came out. It's about me--something about 8 years in my past, and now I need psychiatric care in a big way. Actually, it didn't come to him from mutual person, but from her nephew, so she's obviously enjoyed telling it around.

Confession:

I will share so everyone reading my posts knows the whole story, since it's now out to WH. This is not easy for me because it's something I have buried way deep inside me because it makes me ill and makes me hate myself. Feel free to 2x4 me until I'm unconscious.

WH and I have had marital difficulties for years off and on. 12 years ago when he was having his other A, I did counseling with my associate pastor. He counseled me for a couple years until he left the church to be a lead pastor at a new church. I ended up leaving the original church and joining the new church because I liked him as a pastor.

Fast forward to about 1996. WH was drinking at the time and had his eye on a particular Harley he wanted and was so angry that I wouldn't sign a loan with him that he was threatening to leave me. I was lonely and scared and vulnerable. My pastor had left the church by then to pastor a church in N.C. and we had a new pastor, but old pastor came back to visit family at Christmas.

He called to see how I was. I needed to talk to him about what was going on, because he was always so encouraging and so helpful. I was on Christmas vacation by myself because WH and the kids were in southern IA with my parents. I had gotten angry and come home after the cycle fiasco.

I started trying to talk but somehow he started telling me about his life, and how his mom committed suicide right before he graduated, and how his wife and him were having problems and on and on. And then somehow it came about that he'd stay and talk to me about ME if I did such and such. I don't even remember how it all happened. He was also a secret pot smoker, something I'd known for quite a while, and convinced me to smoke with him.

I am SO stupid. Yes, I used to smoke a bit in my teens, but changed a lot when I became a Christian. But I did it. And then I became even dumber and ended up doing something with him because I was so lonely and scared (and high), and I felt like he was the only link I had to get me on the right track and I wanted so much for him to talk to me (and I wanted to believe someone cared about me).

It was in fact, the wrongest track it could be. I did not "sleep with him", but it was more on the order of Clinton and Monica Lewinski. I was sick. Totally sick. I knew it had nothing to do with him caring for me or me for him. I finally told my new pastor after about 3 months because I had to tell someone and I was scared of HIV. He convinced me to get an HIV test in another 3 months, and also not to tell H at the time because it would only hurt him and us (and we were getting along better), and would also risk turning him away from God and church, even though it wasn't God's or the church's fault.

I have asked for forgiveness from God many times, and at this point feel forgiven by Him. But I had never told WH. It came up somehow accidentally in the very hurtful conversation I had with mutual person the night I kicked the hole in my bathroom door. It was an awful night and I think I said it for shock value because she was trying to hurt and shock me and I lost control. I begged her to never tell WH.

So, here we are now. He knows. He was obviously extremely hurt. Then he asked if either of us were drunk or stoned. I'd rather admit the truth, because to have done it totally sober would have been even worse in my eyes. I learned to very valuable lessons at once in a very painful way. Smoking weed is not only illegal, but it's just not good to do. And the other thing I did could have cost me my M 8 years ago, or it may be one of the final straws now.

When I first started telling WH, he asked me to just get out of his truck and not discuss it, that he had to leave. I told him he had time for everyone else--he had time to listen to this, too.

I ended up bawling and sicker than crap. I'm sure he's been pushed back squarely into OW's arms again, if nothing else, by my crying and ugliness. But now he knows.

He wanted to know why I lied to him all these years. I told him I didn't intentially. My prior pastor recommended not to tell him just to relieve my guilt and that it was in the past and telling him at this point would do no good. There was no kind of relationship I wanted to continue. I didn't even want to hear the guy's name again. I didn't want to hurt my H because I loved him so much. He said tonight, "if you would have told me, I would have gone and beat the s*** out of him."

The only good point in all this: He got his cell bill while he was here. Opened it and it's over $300. He was giving birth to kittens in my front yard as he read it. I said to him, "I already know the number to the cell you gave OW. Let me see the bill and let's see what's going on."

Turns out, his bill for his phone is barely higher than it should be. However, HER bill for the other phone is $281!!! Seems she's been talking a little bit TOO much and has blown all the minutes and then some. He was on the phone to her when he left, and did make hand motions for me to go upstairs and get some sleep.

Then he said he'd call me. Will he really? Can he ever look me in the eye again? I had a brief P/A 14 years ago right after DD's birth, again when I was feeling very unloved and he was out with friends all the time while I took care of two small children and begged him to come home. I thought that almost killed him and was what started his revenge A of 19 months. Now he's already in an A and finds this out. What will it do?

I can only hold on and pray. He was very crude and foul-mouthed tonight anyway, even before this, and even took God's name in vain which is unlike him. His personality has changed and he's walked clear away from God. I ask myself sometimes "why do I even want him back".

But after telling you all this, who would ever want me either??

I am feeling very low tonight. I took a full Xanax instead of the 1/2 I"ve been taking and chased it with a Benedryl. I may add a couple swallows of Zinfindel just to ensure that I can get a little sleep.

DD is out and has left no messages as to where she is either. She's done so good for the past month or so. Now she's blowing it again.

I want to crawl into a hole...a very deep, dark hole.

LL

LL,

While your actions way back when were not right, neither was the advice you received and based on how it was handled, well.... you have now brought it out. The truth does hurt but is NO excuse for your H's actions. So don't feel guilty about his current circumstance.

Funny how your H would have beaten the crap out of the OM. Ask him next time what that entitles you to do?

IMHO, you need to not ask him for the rides or demand his attention. Know that he will continue to give his attention to all but you because he is angry at himself and taking out on you. As long as you let him take it out on you, he will.

You have it within your power to stop that cycle of abuse he is heaping upon you. You have the power to give back his burden to him and you move forward. Confession is good but repentance requires action. You have already done that by not repeating that sinful act. Know that your conscience worked then and now.

Don't let him guilt you. He needs to miss his family and doesn't need you to remind him he is a jerk. He can see that when he looks in the mirror.

..... now it wouldn't be a bad thing to give him a mirror....doncha think?!?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

L.

LL -

I think you are very loveable. That pastor took advantage of his position and your trust. I blame him. It is good to have it out in the open between you and WH. You have repented and are forgiven by the Lord and it is over with.

Now what are we going to do about you? I would like to see you doing more fun things, and not concentrating so much on your WH. You can have a good life, with or without him. But start now, without him.

My WH and OW are in Laughlin now, at the river run. WH and I have gone together for the last 11 years. But I am going to have myself a great weekend and not think about them.

It was 8 years ago. You made a mistake. Show me someone who has never fugged up and I'll show you a liar. You obviously feel bad about it and have learned a lesson. Let it go. Forgive yourself. Forgive the other guy. It's over. Ancient history.

I think the advice your pastor gave you was a crock. Why a man of God would advise someone to lie is beyond my comprehension.

I don't think asking your husband if it would be ok for you to pound OW is a good idea. Big LB. And totally counterproductive.

My advice is to avoid any heavy situations with your H. If you see a conversation is going into uncomfortability, change the direction. Avoid pushing his buttons, and if he pushes yours, don't let him get to you. If he tries harder, realize he is subconciously trying to sabotage you or test your resolve. Don't play that game.

Times with you should be pleasant and enjoyable. If going out for a spin on the ride is good for both of you, do it.

When are you getting your own wheels?

Patience, lady.

dewt