If we're taking a vote here, my vote is DEFINITELY NOT let him come back right now...

So, he's having a hard time coming up swith the $14/night, let him borrow it from his friends or his girlfriend. I'll bet she hasn't paid any rent and has been sucking up the money for awhile...do not bail him out. Every moment he is beginning to appreciate your great money and business sense.

You stand strong and he will have MORE respect for you later.

OK, right now he's whining and manipulating to get what he wants....waaaaaahhhhhh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
And if you gave in? It would reinforce with him that this kind of behavior WORKS for you...that he doesn't have to give up ANYTHING and if he whined, complained, sobbed, made you feel guilty, then he could get what he wants.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! You have had no part in his troubles. Your work right now is making sure you are the best wife WHEN he comes home. And for his sake, do not let him come home until you see good M material there. You let him home now and you both are prolonging the opportunity for a good M.

Yes, you can have that M. The widower is a good ideal to keep focused on (from afar), but he is a fantasy, you are right, he is not that perfect at home. Without the OW and the drinking and for H to be truly committed to the M will give you both the opportunity to build a better M, but if any of those things are missing, my crystal ball says it would be less than a year before he finds another OW and leaves again...

Just checking in quick to say I've been pleasantly hanging out in denial today. I like it here... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I know--only 2 more days until WH has to move. Who knows what that will bring??

For now, he's sent a couple text msgs. The last one asked if I'd like to go on a cycle ride this weekend to KC for BBQ. It sounds great, except DS's prom is Sat nite and I want pics and video of him because it's his last one. We wouldn't be back in time. It's a 360 mile round trip.

And Sunday is DS's 18th bday, so that day is out, too.

I wrote back and said I love the idea, but could we go closer or to a movie Saturday, and then go for BBQ next Saturday.

Have't heard back. It wasn't that long ago that I sent it, but hopefully he doesn't see it as me blowing him off.

Other than that, no talk to him today.

LL

LL - I'm with you on denial. Very pleasant.

He called about 7:30pm to say he was on his way to the house to drop off a few boxes. I guess he is going to bring his stuff back home to store it.

He was here for maybe an hour. In that time his cell must have rung 3-4 times and then beeped with at least that many more text messages. At one point he laid his head on the table and made some comment about having died and going to H***.

We didn't fight, but we did discuss his drinking. I made it clear that I wanted him to quit before he comes back home. That ticked him off.

My theory: His heart is telling him that he wants to be on his own--no OW, and no me. But his wallet is telling him he can't do it. He has mentioned several things like "I'm 39, I've worked 20 years of my life for what? To have to move in with a friend?". (apparently mutual person and H offered him temporary housing.)

He was also ticked about my suggesting a different date for the cycle ride/BBQ in KC. I apologized but told him that it is very important for me to see DS and girlfriend and take pics before prom, but that if he still wanted to go this weekend, I could reschedule the dogs' vet appointments and we could leave earlier in the morning and be back in time.

He was unable to spend much of his time in our house. He had to be out in the garage or in his truck. He said the house was driving him crazy--that there was an extremely uncomfortable aura inside it. I asked him if he wanted to try and make our marriage work. He shook his head yes. He even started to cry at one point.

I don't think he's all that happy with OW. But I think the only place he's comfortable is at work or at mutual friend's house. She and H have even offered to let him move in down there for a while.

I don't think this will be good at all. I also am VERY worried that if WH feels so uncomfortable in our house now, that he'll never be able to come back. Is this common for the WS to feel?

Did I do the right thing by requiring no drinking to move back? It doesn't say in the Bible that you can divorce someone because of drinking. Adultry is the only clause. Granted, a big reason I want him to quit is because if he keeps drinking, I don't think he can ever do N/C.

I also told him that if we get back together, the cell and email records had to be open access--and that went for both of us (I'm the one who has actually been very private with my email in the past). Also, that he couldn't do cell call screeing on me but needed to answer the phone if I called, if we were to regain trust.

I don't know what to think, or what to feel. I feel empty and incomplete if I don't get to hear his voice daily. And I do NOT want to be alone for ever. I hate being single right now, and I'm not even really single! But I am becoming more and more frightened of going back with him.

He also made one cold reference to what I did 8 years ago. I don't know how to respond except to keep saying I'm sorry.

Well, I don't know what's going on with me, but my glands in my throat are swollen and killing me. They've been sore for the last couple days but they're really bad today and it hurts up into my ear. I can't even touch one side of my throat because of the pain. Hopefully it's a virus and will pass soon. I, being a bit of a hypochondriac, wondered this morning if it was cancer. But since it came on so quickly, I'm sure it's not. (Mono did cross my mind though, because I drink after my kids all the time and who knows who they drink after...or kiss?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

Anyway, I'm very tired, so think I'll now crawl into bed and back into denial.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

LL

Sounds like a very productive talk and you laid out boundaries and a path for him to come home...excellent.

The fact he's not comfortable in the house and the way he is bringing up the incident 8 years ago are sort of commingled...it's his guilt talking.

He feels incredibly guilty for what he's doing and what he's done. Nothing you have done could ever match the villainous activity of the past year by him. He knows this. He feels so guilty in the house because he knows he doesn't deserve to go back...and he won't feel comfortable again until he's back on track. He is trying but there are things he doesn't want to give up yet...

It's amazing how anxious the OP becomes when the spouse is visiting us. How many rings and text messages? Goes to show she is more scared of you than you are of her...

And that bringing up the past thing? Smoke and mirrors and justification. If he can wrap his mind around it and get you to feel guilty, he has moved attention away from his A, and made you feel guilty and bad (instead of him). He can also use it to justify what he's doing is not so bad ("She did it, she's no worse than me...") What a load of kaka. Next time he brings it up, don't let him pull the conversation that way...say something like "It sounds like my past actions have hurt you, and I'm sorry, there will be time to deal with that later, but you have an ongoing A with continual contact and sex which is the most hurtful to our R right now, at least to me, what are we going to do about that?"

Not give up drinking, can't say I'm surprised. He drinks because he feels so guilty and bad. Drinking will help him not feel withdrawal and remorse after the A. He knows it will be more difficult for him to give up drinking afterwards. Too bad. And what would happen if he doesn't feel the remorse or guilt? I think you're right to think N/C would be more difficult, everytime he drank he'd think of her, or someone else... He'll have to feel the guilt or remorse sometime if he wants to work on the M.

You're doing GREAT!!!

LL,

You did GREAT by sticking to your boundaries.

Definitely make him cease contact with OW *and* get into AA before allowing him to move home. More than a couple of weeks. It has to be a committed lifestyle change you see in him or you're going to be back where you were PLUS he's going to have learned all he has to do is outwait you.

Regarding the Bible not saying drinking is grounds for divorce... your H has been actively involved in an A. The A can't be fully addressed until the drinking is taken care of. Being sober and getting involved in AA is just like no contact, access to cellphone records, access to email. The Bible doesn't talk about cellphones and email either, but since they are a part of your H's A, they need to GO. Likewise the alcohol. It has to GO before the A can be properly addressed.

Quit worrying about "What if he doesn't come back". You may or may not remarry. Regardless of that, look how much better your D is doing - can you not see it? Your posts practically scream with the improvement in her! Look how much more peaceful your home is. Look how much stronger you are. You may not feel all this but pull up some posts from six months ago and read them. It's obvious your home is a zillion times better without your problematic H in it. You'd be doing yourself, your children, and your H a HUGE disservice if you let him back in right now.


Now, if he makes some BIG LONG-LASTING changes, maybe there's a place for him in your home. Not now. You're doing so great.

I can't believe he felt like you were blowing him off about the BBQ. BBQ are a dime a dozen. How is it that he isn't dying to be there for his son's big night? His self-centeredness knows no bounds right now, does it? Keep hanging strong.

He was here for maybe an hour. In that time his cell must have rung 3-4 times and then beeped with at least that many more text messages.

Without as much as $14 in his pocket .... how does he afford a cell phone?


We didn't fight, but we did discuss his drinking. I made it clear that I wanted him to quit before he comes back home. That ticked him off.

Personally, I'd make NC from alcohol a higher priority than NC from OW!!!

And it's not enough to "stop drinking" or to "cut way back"...

Alcoholics who don't drink are still alcoholic in their thinking errors.... mostly revolving around ---> "Poor me, I can never get a break. Bad stuff always happends to me."

Alcoholics who get treatment begin to function like responsible adults. Their thinking errors diminish ... and over time ... with treatment .... they become some really awesome insightful and spiritual people!

If he does NC with OW, returns home to you ... and does not drink (but does not get treatment for his disease) .... he will likely return to one or both abusive patterns.


My theory: His heart is telling him that he wants to be on his own--no OW, and no me.

He is an alcoholic. Alcoholics are not known for following their hearts. They follow their fears and their weaknesses.

But his wallet is telling him he can't do it. He has mentioned several things like "I'm 39, I've worked 20 years of my life for what? To have to move in with a friend?". (apparently mutual person and H offered him temporary housing.)

"Poor me."

He was also ticked about my suggesting a different date for the cycle ride/BBQ in KC.

"Poor me."

I apologized but told him that it is very important for me to see DS and girlfriend and take pics before prom, but that if he still wanted to go this weekend, I could reschedule the dogs' vet appointments and we could leave earlier in the morning and be back in time.

That was nice of you.

He was unable to spend much of his time in our house. He had to be out in the garage or in his truck. He said the house was driving him crazy--that there was an extremely uncomfortable aura inside it. I asked him if he wanted to try and make our marriage work. He shook his head yes. He even started to cry at one point.

Let him hit bottom.... that motivates better than sympathy.

I don't think he's all that happy with OW.

He's not happy because he drinks and doesn't like himself.

But I think the only place he's comfortable is at work or at mutual friend's house. She and H have even offered to let him move in down there for a while.

Quite generous.

I don't think this will be good at all. I also am VERY worried that if WH feels so uncomfortable in our house now, that he'll never be able to come back. Is this common for the WS to feel?

He is an alcoholic WS .... and they are uncomfortable in their own skin. Location is not the issue.

Did I do the right thing by requiring no drinking to move back?

No, I think a better boundary is having him attend AA or other treatment. A sober drunk is one of the most anxious people you'll ever meet! They can't get their drug of choice, and they feel highly irritable. That's why treatment makes sense.

It doesn't say in the Bible that you can divorce someone because of drinking.

I don't think you should divorce. You love him so much. I think you should enforce boundaries that he get the help HE needs ... not just return to you so you can feel better!

Adultry is the only clause. Granted, a big reason I want him to quit is because if he keeps drinking, I don't think he can ever do N/C.

I don't think he can stay sober without treatment and professional help.




I don't know what to think, or what to feel. I feel empty and incomplete if I don't get to hear his voice daily.

He and his issues are your addiction. You can avoid your own issues if you concentrate all your efforts on his problems.

I know I know

Been there.
Done that.

And I do NOT want to be alone for ever. I hate being single right now, and I'm not even really single! But I am becoming more and more frightened of going back with him.

Two fear-based individuals make a great couple .... as long as they don't need a brave decision to be made between them.



He also made one cold reference to what I did 8 years ago. I don't know how to respond except to keep saying I'm sorry.

You could try this:

" Yes, That was certainly a very immature choice I made 8 years ago, I am so grateful to be past making that choice again."

Always happy to nag you LL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pep,

Without as much as $14 in his pocket .... how does he afford a cell phone?

Well, this would be part of the reason he has no money. They have two phones on a family plan. OW ran up her part of the bill by $280 because she doesn't work so must have spent the month sitting on her fanny blowing through all the day minutes. Too bad!

Turtlehead,

Quit worrying about "What if he doesn't come back". You may or may not remarry. Regardless of that, look how much better your D is doing - can you not see it?

Yes, I actually can see improvement in DD. And the relative calm we've gained in our house over the past month or so is something I am afraid might go away if WH comes back.

However, I would be being totally dishonest if I didn't say that the "never marrying again" thing scares me to death. I do not want to imagine being single for the next, oh..maybe 50 years (given my grandmothers' longevity) and never being held, kissed, or made love to again. Having had them since I was 15, those things are VERY high on my EN list!

I can't believe he felt like you were blowing him off about the BBQ. BBQ are a dime a dozen. How is it that he isn't dying to be there for his son's big night? His self-centeredness knows no bounds right now, does it? Keep hanging strong.

Thanks for straightening me out. I was starting to think maybe my sentimental nature was going coo-coo and I was putting too much emphasis on taking pictures of DS in his tux.

SHMI,

Sounds like a very productive talk and you laid out boundaries and a path for him to come home...excellent.

It was really tough. The whole time I was thinking, "Am I making a huge mistake? Should I just welcome him back?"

He may still tell me tomorrow that he's done N/C with her and that he's giving up drinking and expect to waltz right in the door. I'm not sure how to handle it. Those ARE the criteria I set down for him to come back. I am very afraid of tomorrow. Well, maybe not tomorrow because he'll probably spend the weekend at mutual person's place. But starting Sunday night, I'm worried.

The fact he's not comfortable in the house and the way he is bringing up the incident 8 years ago are sort of commingled...it's his guilt talking.

I truly hope that is the reason. If it's guilt, if the situation changes and guilt is reduced, hopefully comfort can return. I am worried that he's just grow so far apart from me and has been away so long, that his brain is simply screaming "don't come back...it's not your home anymore!".

It's amazing how anxious the OP becomes when the spouse is visiting us. How many rings and text messages? Goes to show she is more scared of you than you are of her...

I shouldn't be happy that she calls or texts, but I did get a small amount of satisfaction out of it. I'm not sure she knew he was at my place, but regardless, she obviously does NOT like not knowing where he is.

Not give up drinking, can't say I'm surprised. He drinks because he feels so guilty and bad.

This I know is 100% true, because he had managed to stay dry for 2 years before this stupid A started. He was actually doing quite well--was around his drinking coworkers every night after work and maintained on Dr. Pepper with no problem. The drinking started about 2 weeks after I found about the E/A and of course once the drinking happened, the P/A started soon after that.


So far the only text from him today (in response to mine that just said "are you still out there?") said he was having a panic attack and needed to spend some time in the wind on the bike. I responded back with "don't blow away--it's really windy". His response to me, "That'd be the best thing that could happen."

So...still hanging. Trying to be strong, but worried that I'll have another mood swing and do something really stupid like let him come home when he's not ready, and regret it.

LL

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 01:16 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Yeah, I suppose you COULD invite him back...but you won't. What, and go through this pain all over again? (And it will be harder the next time, false recovery is like stabbing in an open wound).

And yes, he could say that he is moving to N/C and stopped drinking, but you need to see his ACTIONS not his words. Ask him to keep it up (and prove to you) for how long week? Month? What are you worth? It's really not THAT hard if he truly wanted to make the change, to do these things and wait for you.

But he will try to manipulate you...the veiled suicide threats, the "poor me" attitude. He's appealing to your nurturing, caretaking nature. And that's the LAST thing he needs, a nurturer to soften the fall. The harder the fall, the less likely he will want to repeat it.

You soften his fall and let him move back because he just CAN'T beg for a bed from his family or friends, or ask for money, or ask for his phone back, you are preventing him from standing on his own. You are preventing him from growing stronger.

You WILL be OK without him. You deserve better than what you've gotten all these years. You're willing to settle again? No, No, No, LL love yourself.

IF it doesn't work out, you will have MANY guys lined up (there are probably some waiting in the wings right now with baited breath). And if your situation seemed any more hopeless, then there would be men ringing your doorbell.

Any guy would be LUCKY to have you...too bad your H has let you go for now. He knows what he's lost.

Be prepared if he stays with mutual friends, there may be a falling out there. He may decide to save his M he may need to cut ties there too.
Be supportive, but don't let him lean.

He stopped briefly by the house tonight with some more of his stuff. He only stayed maybe 15 minutes.

I feel lousy today--left work early. Whatevre is making the lymph node so sore in my neck is apparently causing the headaches I can't shake, and mild nausea and just a general icky feeling.

I wasn't too exciting company. I did ask if he'd made any choices yet. He mumbled something about being out of choices. It sounds like he's now thinking he's going to move to the camper down at mutual person's house, at least for now. I explained nicely that I wasn't trying to be unreasonable about the booze, but that we couldn't work through the A issues, even if he does do N/C, with alcohol involved because it would convolute everything.

No fights. No harsh words. He just seems resigned to being unhappy. It hurts me to see him this way.

I asked if OW was still at his apartment. He says she's packing his stuff for him, cleaning the mess her child made, and leaving tonight. I guess she has to leave finally, doesn't she?? He's turning in his keys tomorrow. I didn't ask any more than that. I really don't think he's ready for N/C yet.

So it's back to denial for me again. Kids are both gone. If my head didn't hurt so bad, I'd try and sleep, but when I lie down I get nauseaus. Ugh!

SHMI, I got a kick out of your "men lining up at my door" comment. I wish I could believe it would be true if something happens and WH and I do end up D, but when all I do is go to church (only one very remote possibility there and I've already mentioned it), work (no possibilities), and Al-Anon (they're all women), I don't see much of a chance of that happening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm trying to stay strong. Really, I am.

BTW, off topic--any of you remember the night my DD spent in the psych hospital a while back? Uh, got the bill today. My insurance refused to pay because she was not threatening suicide but was only USING A RAZORBLADE TO CUT HER ARMS UP?!?

The tab is just over $1,700 for the 24-hour period. (It's good I feel so lousy. I don't even have the energy to get angry.) I doubt I can fight the HMO, but I'll appeal until I can appeal no more. It's ridiculous!

LL

I have no room to talk about not having money...

I am supposed to be on a much tighter budget now that we're separated. And I got that $1,700 hospital bill that who knows how I'll pay once all the appeal time runs out.

But the Advil took away my headache and made the swollen lymph node, well...tolerable enough to go shopping.

I went out to buy DS's grad/bday gift, which I put on my credit card and will have to pay off as soon as I can. Dropped $475 on a Sony flat-screen computer monitor (but I think I'll win big brownie points. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

From there I decided to redeem my coupon for free perfume at Victoria's Secret. No worry about buying anything--you have to have boobs to wear most of their stuff. That leaves me out.

But in addition to the perfume I dropped another $175. Oh there was this cute shirt here, and another cute shirt there. There were a couple pair of jeans for the kids (they needed them) and a cute pair of Levi stretch flares for me (I didn't need them--but they look good). And then there was that swim suit. Why do I need a swim suit? When do I swim? I still have 2-year's ago's model. It's in perfect shape. I can take it to Florida. But this one was cute...and it has padded boobs...and it was on sale.

Oh, it was fun at the time. I'll regret it on Saturday when I do my bills! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

The question I keep asking myself is "Who the heck am I trying to look good for?" WH is too busy with OW to notice. There isn't anyone else. I'm wasting my money living in la-la land.

LL

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 10:42 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL, miss you. Will your Wh be back?

LNH,

So good to hear from you. Did you take cruise pictures?

I'm sure you are very busy packing for MBW and haven't had time to read all you've missed over the last week on everyones' threads.

I'll write a little on yours and try and update you on my situation.

LL

Today was the day WH turned in his keys. I stood my ground--no readmittance unless he gives up OW and gives up booze. (But can I really do the latter--I keep going back to my Al-Anon stuff where we are taught we can't control the actions of others???!!?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> )

I am sad, and I am scared because I feel like he's going to continue down his spiral of destuction and be lost. I love him.

So, here's our texts of today. Other than when he called at noon, these are our only communication. (I believe he called to ask me to lunch, but I had some impromptu training sprung on me and couldn't go.) The texts have all transpired since later this afternoon.

----------------------------------------------
Him: You don't want me back. You want a lapdog. Animal Rescue League could fix you up with that. (He sees my insistance on his giving up booze as trying to change him into my personal pet.)

Me: I do want you back, but you were sober before the A and you've even admitted drinking screws you up.

Me: It will take time to rebuild trust & I don't think it's possible to give 100% while you're drinking.

Him: Have a good life.

Me: Do you feel giving her up and quitting drinking, which you've admitted you need to do, are unreasonable requests?

Me: Based on past history I don't feel I can build trust with booze in the picture.

Him: Don't talk to me right now because I am about as pissed as I can get.

Me: Ok. I will stay silent until you say differently.

Him: You're not in it 100% so just drop it.

Me: Am too.

Him: I didn't expect anything different. I will put DS's card in mailbox. I don't think I am welcome there, or anywhere else for that matter.

Me: Why wouldn't you be welcome at your DS's 18th bday party?

Him: Because I have failed.

Me: I love you and want you back but want you to be strong and whole like I know you can be.

Me: Make a choice to change that. Past is over. Change directions going forward.

-----------------------------------------------
Please let me know if this is normal WH behavior and if there is still any hope, or if I should just hang it up. I feel like he'll never be able to give up her or the booze and come back. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm feeling rather low tonight... And it's a weekend again. And it's supposed to be cold and dreary.

LL

A few more texts that came since I posted...

Him: That guy has left the building. Goodbye LL nubbins. (His pet name for me from years ago--and he was referring to his old self being gone. He succeeded in bringing tears to my eyes..)

Me: I refuse to believe that, unless you truly feel no love for me.

Him: I have love but am a failure (he's boo-hooing now.)

Me: Bullpucky and you know it deep down.

Me: Where are you? I'm leaving work. If you are still in town, want to meet me for fast food?

As of yet, he hasn't responded to this one. I know he's feeling sorry for himself right now and is doing the "Woe is me--please say and do lots of wonderful stuff to make me feel better and show me you're still there." And then as soon as he feels better, or goes and sees OW, I'll be out of the picture again.

LL

All things considered, I'm afraid to offer advice...

But still, I'm reading and praying for you and him too...

I soooo hope he wakes up.

I'm unclear... has he actually decided to park over at er... 'mutual aquaintance's house? Or is he going to come home?

I'm afraid to ask... what is bullpucky? Oh, nevermind... I'm probably better of not knowing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

dewt

LL- Please hang in there. He is still very much in the fog.

LL,

Hang in there, he has a ways to go before he hits bottom. He is attempting to have you cushion his fall and if he does that he will not have learned life's important lessons and will continue to make you the butt of his attitude.

You have said you love him and when he whines, let him know that you want to speak to your real H. Don't say too much, just that you love him (but not too much) and that when he is ready to talk, to let you know.

Pity doesn't fix things, it just wastes lots of tissue.

Hang tuff!

L.

Dewt,

I'm really not sure where he's parking, but my guess is...yes...at mutual person's house. (I'm getting tired of typing those two words. I think I'll just shorten it to MP from here on).

As for bullpucky...it's my nice way of saying bulls**t. Do you have that in Canada?


Believer & Orchid,

I am trying to hang in there. Actually, even though I'm not doing Plan B, I think with him not living here and us rarely even seeing each other, it's almost like Plan B except for the calls. And now that he has text messaging, he's using it more and calling less, which takes out the emotion.

I have to admit (though am almost afraid to for fear of jinxing myself) that I am starting to feel half-human sometimes again. It's like a calm (or maybe just a numbness) is setting in.

The "nubbins" thing got to me today. He hasn't called me that in years. Surprised he still remembered. He was trying to push all the right buttons, I guess. But I just read a post over in D/D (where I lurk on occasion out of fear of what might be) from someone with an alcoholic wife.

Someone responded to them with two very fitting comments to my situation. The person who responded said they had a WS and who was drinking and within 2 weeks of when the WS came home, because of the alcohol, they were back to the OP. Second, they stated that you can never really recover a marriage as long as an alcholic was still drinking.

Of course they also acknowledged that you can't change the alcoholic--that they have to make the change themselves.

But it told me that this is probably the best shot I have right now of getting my WH to wise up. In having to beg a place to sleep off people, he will hopefully have enough time to decide if this lifestyle is really worth it or if he values his M at all.

It will break my heart if he chooses alcohol and/or the OW over us. But I have to keep telling myself that if that is the case, I am better off with him not in my life anyway.

I am doing my best to not think about him, or about our good times. If I have to think of him right now, I try to remember all the ugly alcoholic behaviors and the verbal abuse that came with it.

I had to go to the Dr. today about my swollen lymph node. It's apparently a bacterial infection--from where, he doesn't know--but put me on big horse-pill antibiotics. I've taken 3 and the pain is already much better.

But the point here: They took my blood pressure as always, and it was the lowest it's been in years! I generally run borderline-high. It was beautifully normal! So I must be getting stronger emotionally. That made me feel better.

Anyway, I think May could be a rough month. WH isn't going to make it easy, and I can't do a formal Plan B yet because there are too many things going on where he's involved between DS's bday, graduation, and a business trip I have to take a week from Monday to Florida, where WH will have to come to my house to watch the kids.

Be prepared to help me stay afloat!!

LL

You are so strong in plan A. I could not have lasted that long in plan A. Do take care of yourself. Get out of plan A when you are ready.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />