LL,

LL,
I posted to you awhile back saying that I share your problems and recommended a book to you called Struggle For Intimacy. I don't know if you ever got a chance to read it, but I still highly recommend it. It is very short, an easy read, and comparatively cheap. I will even send you a copy if you would like. I feel it is that significant to our situations. I say "our" because my wife is an alcoholic and my 17 yr old DD has been/is still a hand full!

I also worry about you and your daughter. I know the pain of struggling with all of these issues at once. I have come to feel that they are all related and the book helped me to understand the hows and whys. I also have my daughter in IC once a week with a therapist that specializes in teens. It is slow progress but it seems to be headed in good directions most days.

I think I remember a few weeks back that you took your kids on a weekend trip to the zoo. You also arranged to let your daughter meet up with a chat pal. When you got back you were talking about the relationship between you feeling good that day. I bet if she were asked and answered truthfully she would say the same only with even more enthusiasm.

One of several things that I have been doing different lately is trying to make sure that we spend more good times together. I have also quit criticizing her behaviour as much. I only jump on that now if I feel she is doing something major that has long term consequences. When we are together, I try to engage her in conversations about how she is feeling. Basically working very hard to "be there for her emotionally". As I realized in reading the book, a family with an alcohol problem leaves the kids without the emotional base that they need. The drunk parent is busy hiding in the bottle, and the sober parent is busy trying to deal with it. This sort of leaves the kids hanging at a time when they need a safe and secure "home base" with which to explore the world from. If they are busy trying to escape from "home base", it leaves them in a very bad predicament to face a very scary world emotionally alone.

In the situation that you and I are in, we are dealing both with a drunk and a WS. I believe that from an emotional availability stand point, a WS situation has exactly the same impact as a drunk. The WS is busy trying to escape, and the BS is busy trying to keep their marriage together. Again, the emotional availability and support for the kids is not there. In our case, we are struggling with both at the same time. This makes it SUPER difficult for us to be there emotionally for a kid that desperately needs us to help them enter the world safely. The "ideal" and I guess "normal" is for both parents to be there as that support base. In our case we have to struggle desperately just to provide a little bit of support.

I feel like I am both rambling and a running a little bit off topic from your thread here. If you would like to hit this topic some more, I am willing(but may be a bit slow on responses as I am struggling with a lot these days as you are). If you would like, in order to keep from hijacking this thread, we might start a new one or you can contact me by e-mail if you would rather. Let me know.

Wishing you luck,
Dave

Dewt,

Yes, your past and that of my DD's sounds similar. Her father, even during the periods of sobriety, has not participated actively in parenting. He loves the kids but has admitted to me he never really wanted kids. They make him very tense and nervous, so he avoids dealing with them, or yells at them when they irritate him. He was never one to get involved with activities, schooling, etc. And during the periods he drank, he would come home late, curse at us or yell at us if we upset him, and then take over the TV remote and camp in the recliner until he fell asleep.

I think it has left her vulnerable to getting involved in bad things, especially since she has ADHD and doesn't fit in well with the normal crowd. She's been accepted by the other kids with issues and they as a group are very worrisome.

She did come home this morning, and I guess did leave a message on DS's phone last night that he didn't pull til today saying she was spending the night with a girlfriend. Apparently no one (i.e., her boyfriend) was in the shape to drive her home. I respect the fact she didn't ride with him, but am guessing she was also drinking. I know she's already tried a couple different drugs, too. REALLY scary! She's a rebel with no fear like her father.

Dave,

No, I haven't had a chance to read the book yet. Between work and getting ready for DS's graduation, and just getting back from a Florida business trip, I'm sort of swimming.

Your comment makes a lot of sense:

As I realized in reading the book, a family with an alcohol problem leaves the kids without the emotional base that they need. The drunk parent is busy hiding in the bottle, and the sober parent is busy trying to deal with it. This sort of leaves the kids hanging at a time when they need a safe and secure "home base" with which to explore the world from.

I look back and could take a shoe off and thunk myself in the head very hard with it, for being a not-very-good parent in the past. This is exactly what happened. I was so busy trying to keep everything functioning, that the kids had their basic needs taken care of but that was about it. There wasn't a lot of talk time, or storybook time, or game time. And our house has often been filled with yelling, cursing, etc., between WH and myself, especially during his drinking periods and of course, during the A before he moved out. NOT a good environment for an already emotionally unstable teenage girl with ADHD. And instead of being able to cling to the security of her parents and her home, she's found security and acceptance with friends who are not good upstanding examples in society.

Now what do I do? I'm not sure how to even begin to repair 14 years of damage.

I guess I do try to do the one thing you mentioned--concentrate only on changing/controlling the things that could be hazardous or have long-term consequences. Otherwise, there are things like purple hair, showing too much stomach, using language I don't approve of, or breaking curfew, that I haven't been as harsh about as long as I know who she's with and have a number I can reach her at. It seems to keep the peace and she's a bit more open that way, rather than demanding she follows all the rules, in which case she follows NONE!

I do have a tough one--I found out (suspected for quite a while) that she's stealing. This goes totally contrary to all my beliefs! I've tried to talk with her about it but it's her opinion that if I can't give her the money for something, and if she can get away with lifting it, then she's going to do it. I told her that with her history of truancy and other things, if she gets caught she'll be at serious risk of being taken away from home--more so than a first-time offender. Other than that I don't know what to do.

It's little things she takes, like make-up, beads from a craft store, etc. But it's theft just the same. I HATE IT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My sis says maybe it's just a phase--she sort of went through it, too, when she was a teen. I won't protect her if she gets caught. She'll suffer the consequences. But I'm afraid to leave anything of value around for fear my own DD will take it, and I don't trust her at other peoples' houses. It makes me ill. Any ideas on that one??

LL

LL,

Sorry, but I don't have an answer on the stealing problem. My DD tried it in a store when she was about 5th grade and I busted her and made her put it back. I explained(to a 5th grader) that she could be put in jail for taking something from a store. I think it scared her bad enough that I don't really think she does that. What she did for a couple of years was take my cigarrettes. I consider that stealing with my belief system as well and it was a tougher subject since I was trying to convince her that smoking was something she needed to quit as well. Since my WW and I both smoke, we were not in a good position to convince her that it was a mistake, and at the time she had no real income and was way to young to buy them so she took them from us.

Current situation; I don't harrass her about smoking anymore, and she has a job so she pays for her own. I gave up on the quit smoking fight because it is something that she has to decide on her own. That is one that I realized I could not win. It was also a big improvement in our relationship when I was no longer bugging her about it.

My biggest issue right now is lying. She has the habit of telling me what she thinks that I want to hear to stay out of trouble. WS has that as well in a BIG way. As an unfortunate twist, it is my a number 1 biggest love buster. I also realize now that my conduct and communication skills(or lack of) contributed to both of their problems. I am struggling now with how to get through that one.

As for curfews, I am still a big stickler on that one. What I did was sit down with her and draw up a "mutually agreed upon" contract. She actually did the writing of it and we negotiated times and consequences of not following it. We discussed the fact that at her age she needed to be demonstrating that she was capable of handling the responsibilities and freedoms that she felt that she deserved. In our state, she is legally our responsibility until she is 18. This whole plan and exercise has not been perfectly executed by her as she spazzes out for a week or so every now and then, but it gives us a base from which to discuss problems.

The A number one biggest gain that I have gotten came from 1) making time for us to be together and 2) doing a better job of engaging her in conversations and listening to her needs and thoughts. Does this sound familiar at all?

This should be a bit easier for you since you are in a modified plan B. It will also give you something to focus on other than your dumb@$$ WS. I won't be there for a couple more weeks so I am still feeling guilty about not spending enough time with both DDs.

Please don't beat yourself up too hard or too long about not doing the best job of parenting. A certain amount of self flgellation is necessary to help you remember that you have to change your self but don't over do it. Keep in mind that you cannot change the past no matter how bad you want to. It is the same as your marriage issue. WE have made mistakes in our marriage. It is our job to recognize our mistakes and change ourselves into better persons. We can only affect the future. I approach it as trying to first stop the damage, second trying to insure that things are done differently/better from now on, and then finally to carefully learn what the extent of the past damage was and repair whatever I can. If you have ever had lifesaving training, it is basically the same concept.

BTW...you are sounding much better these days. I am glad. Keep finding the times for those steaks, veggies, wine, and classial music nights!

I wish you peace.

Dave

LL, thinking of you. I am sorry that so much happening to you, DD's problem, WH's problem. But you are so strong and taking care of all these. I totally understand how worry you are for DD. I would be devastated if my DD does not come home. I prayed for you.

Hey there,

Good to hear from you. Sounds like WS got a taste of home life and is missing it (and looking for excuses to spend time there). I think he misses his recliner...

He's trying to throw you a bone telling you he's 'cut down'. Yeah right, he's cut down only because it hurts his stomach, his comfort. How did you feel when he said that? That he wouldn't stop because YOU asked him to, but only because HE wanted to make himself feel better...and he's only 'cut down', whatever that means...hoping to talk you into letting him come back while he's still drinking.

He's not going to stop the A until he's worried he's losing you. And you are getting closer to Plan B. What's stopping you now? IMHO it's time to move to Plan B NOW!!!

DD is hurting right now...your indiscretion from 8 years ago is probably not the only thing your WS told the kids. Time to talk with DD, or rather, ask her to talk with you... I wouldn't bring up anything she doesn't want to talk about, but invite her to answer any questions.

When you blew her off about your A you seemed very hipocritical. You would expect WS to answer the kids questions about his A...why are you off the hook? Time to sit down with her and invite her to ask any questions, and then answer them. Yes, you can stick your head in the sand and not answer her direct quesiton, but what does that teach her about life...you're allowed to ask her anything, but she doesn't have the same courtesy. Imagine how betrayed she feels by both parents right now.

As far as her stealing...she will probably continue to do it until she gets caught. Call the police or probation office and ask what they can do. Where we live a parent can request to put a child on probation for being out of control. Our probation officers will sometimes require IC, good grades (C or better), drug tests, stick to a curfew, and weekly, biweekly, or monthly meetings with them to check in. They generally scare a kid into behaving...it's when a parent needs an extra set of muscles. If the kid gets out of line they can put them in juvenile detention.... which around here is not so bad a place, it's also used as the foster placement shelter too, but scary.

You can talk with her about the stealing, and like dewt, write up a contract about what will be the consequences of actions. Each behavior or action will have a consequence...

And spend more time with her. I'll bet you have been wanting to spend less time with her because you are afraid she will ask the 'question' again...so, answer it and get it our of your way...

Plan B time!!! You are nearly there but still allowing him his LL fix. Take that away from him.

LL, i haven't read this thread but read what you say on lostnhurts thread so i know a little about your story. i did reply to you on her thread and wish you strength and prayers for what you are having to go through.

LL, just want to say hi to you. GOt to run.

Weird happening today--I didn't like it. I was driving back to work after dropping a coworker at home after her surgery, and all of a sudden I was flooded with a sad, empty, lonely feeling and all I could think of were the little good things that WH has done every now and then over the years. I started crying and couldn't stop for probably 10 minutes. VERY unlike me lately.

I thought I was past all the intense emotional reactions. I'm not even sure what triggered it but may have been a text I received from him wanting to discuss some comment I apparently made to someone about my retirement and bonus $s. I guess maybe I saw his interest in those things as a leadup to him wanting a divorce, and although I'm not sure I want him back, the thought of everything being so final and so "over" makes me sad, too, because I realize that what was may never be again. (However, I also know a lot of my memories of what "was" are cloudy, and that there have been more bad times than good over the years. Fortunately, we tend to forget the bad and remember the good.)

I cancelled my appointment with Jennifer tomorrow night. Don't know if that was wise, but since things haven't changed much (except for my becoming stronger emotionally) since we last spoke nearly a month ago, I saw a session right now as more of a waste of time and money. If things change rapidly, I can always schedule. If they don't, I think I'll call back and schedule something in later June, after my Florida vacation.

Speaking of...I have run into a dilemma with my pets. I thought I had a neighbor lined up to watch them, but her husband informed her that they have a hockey trip for part of the time I'm gone.

I am thinking of asking WH if he'd like to stay in the house for a week, have some quality "doggy" time, and be able to enjoy not having to drive so far to work each morning. Of course, I'd ask him not to bring OW there (would I believe he wouldn't??? Probably not.)

Is this stupid? I don't know who else to ask and time is getting closer. I can't afford (nor do I want) to kennel the dogs. And I also have 2 cats and 2 turtles that require care at least every couple days.

Ideas? What would you do?

SHMI,

I know I need to move to Plan B because he's still getting his LL fix, but conversly, I guess I'm getting my fix from him, too. I'm not nearly as afraid that I can't do it as I was back in February, though am still going to wait until after graduation before I do anything. But I'm not in terrible pain doing what I'm doing right now. I don't feel like my feelings will be protected much more in Plan B than they are right now. I rarely ever see him and have had no communication with him since Friday other than a couple text messages.

As for the drinking thing, I think you're exactly right--he wants me to tell him it's great that he's cut down (which it is) and for me to consider dropping my "you must QUIT" requirement. Not going to do it.

And as for DD and my past indescretion, her statement that morning caught me by surprise and she was just getting out of the car to go to school. I didn't know how to respond, so in fact did blow her off. She hasn't brought it up again, nor have I. I guess there's some truth in your statement about my being hypocritical. I am hiding it in a sense. I just don't want to relive the pain all over again. And in a way, I don't want her image of me tarnished. It was such an icky thing to do--and with a pastor. This, explained to a girl who wants nothing to do with the Lord, may only further her doubts about Christianity.

However, if either she or DS ever bring it up again, I WILL probably tell them what happened, though not in great detail. I am not letting it deter my spending time with either of the kids. We seem to be on better terms again.

Stealing--ugh! Tough subject. I don't really want the cops too involved because I'm afraid with DD's past history of truancy and finally expulsion from school, that the state could get involved and remove her from my home. I don't want that. However, I have considered pointing out to the security guards at our local mall to just keep an eye on her and her group because I suspect there may be some shoplifting going on with them. I'd rather she get caught now, before she turns 18, and learn her lesson, than get caught as an adult!

Dave,

Maybe I will, when things settle down a bit, sit down with DD and work on curfews and consequences (and maybe rewards) again. It could be worse--at least she does come home and for the most part, she checks in. But it could be a LOT better, too!

LL

Hey there LL,

Don't mean to give you a hard time about the Plan B...I think your time schedule is right on, and best for you.

Have you thought aobut sitting down with DD and talking with her about alcohol use. With her experience, she is more likely to become an alcoholic. She has two strikes against her...one, her Dad is an alcoholic, and the earlier a child starts drinking, the more likely they will be an alcoholic. This may be something she's not aware, and has the "I can handle it" attitude.

Another thing to think about, it's likely ADHD is genetic and either you or your H have it too. Have either of you looked into Adult ADD medication? When my H started taking Wellbutrin there was a COMPLETE turnaround in our M, and I can tell the days he doesn't take his pill...

SHMI,

In answer to your question...yes, and yes.

Alcohol use: She and I have discussed it a number of times (or at least I've tried). I am a firm believer that there is a genetic weakness towards an addictive personality in our family. WH's grandfather and father both had drinking problems, though not sure either was a true "alcoholic". His sister also has been a heavy user of both alcohol and drugs. WH along with having drinking problems, has dabbled in drug use, though more recreationally and not habitually.

So I see DD with her dare-devil personality and her family drinking history to be a prime candidate for a problem. And with her early experimentation in alcohol and her ADHD, it really frightens me.

I also drank a LOT as a teenager--started at about 15 and did it consistently until I was 20 and PG with DS. But I quit at that point and really could care less about drinking. Other than a glass of wine now and then and a couple drinks at my monthly neigborhood Bunco, I rarely touch alcohol. So, she could be like me and not have an alcohol addiction, but I see her as her father's daughter through and through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

And as for the ADHD or ADD running in the family, I sort of agree on that, too, but I don't believe it's my WH. I think it's ME! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

As I've researched it, I see a LOT of tendancies for ADD in myself. I did very well in school and was a teacher's pet because I'm very competitive, but my concentration level is nil most of the time. (I think DD may have more problems in school because I've always suspected she may have a learning disability, too, but as of yet it's not been formally diagnosed.) I bounce from thought to thought all the time. I hate reading books because I lose interest way too quickly. I don't watch movies for the same reason. I only stay interested in things if they're quick or if I'm actively involved in doing something.

The following items I purchase ONLY with automatic shutoff: Curling irons and clothes irons. My next coffee maker will have that as well because I get so tired of cleaning out the burnt coffee from the bottom of the pot. I set a timer to remind me to shut off my gas grill, as I melted the gas valves of one once by leaving it on "clean" all night. I practice the sticky-note reminder system here at work--theyre taped everywhere. I blow off more appointments than you could imagine, even when I have them on a calendar. It is a regular occurrance for me to put a pot on the stove, go upstairs to put away laundry, and then totally forget I'm cooking!! I remember when I smell the burning smell or the fire alarm goes off. (This is how we figured out that green beans are great fried in butter until they're slightly browned..

My IC even talked to me recently about ADD meds, but I cope fairly well overall (except for a problem remaining focused), so I don't feel like starting them now. Most people who know me have learned to accept my air-headed nature. It probably is the cause of extra hours worked at the office, because I lose precious time losing concentration during the day, but I just don't see the need to start meds at 38 if I don't really need them.

LL

{{{{{{{LL}}}}}}}

I too, all the sudden had a very sad feeling. I have to run now. Talk to you later.

Called WH tonight to discuss something with DS's graduation. He did finally answer his cell, but he's VERY COLD anymore.

While talking to him, asked if he'd be interested in watching the dogs while we're in Florida next month. He seemed to be okay with it. Very matter-of-factly told him that OW was not to be in the house and if he was planning on spending time with her, it'd need to be somewhere else. He said he understood.

It's odd to discuss the woman that the man I'm married to is sleeping with in such a nonchalant fashion. I sort of imagine it in my brain as just another of his friends and leave the sex part (and the part about her ruining my M)out. As long as I think of it that way (I believe the appropriate term is "denial"), it does't hurt so bad.

I also asked him what the issue is that he wanted to discuss about my bonus and my retirement money. He said he was busy and didn't have time to talk. So I asked if it was a comment made by someone else (i.e., the MP), and he sidestepped the question and changed the subject. I'm assuming something I probably said some months ago to her about not wanting to give him 1/2 of my retirement if we D because of what he's doing and about me keeping my bonus in a savings account (and it is rightfully mine since I got it AFTER he moved out), has been twisted around by her and is now going to come back to haunt me, too.

She (MP) is still planning on coming to DS's grad reception. WH invited her. I guess she must have talked to DS on line yesterday and asked what time she needed to be there. Apparently he told her he wouldn't be around for part of the time (he BETTER be!) and to not bother coming. WH wanted to know why he got short with her. (Hmmm..could it be because she has a tendency to turn around statements I make and use them to create tension and chaos for our family?? Or maybe it's because DS knows she condones WH bringing OW down there for sexcapades??)

I know, I have to be mature whether she's there or not. I did ask WH if I should be concerned about her making any comments to me or trying to create problems since I've refused to talk to her anymore. I assume she's angry at me. She doesn't like not being able to control a situation, and in this case, I've taken away part of her control by breaking contact with her. Without talking to me, she has no idea what's going on on my end or what I'm thinking or doing. I think she was sort of using her friendship(?) with me to be able to report to John what I was up to. Not anymore. And I can't say I've missed talking to her. And really, it's easier now because I don't have the tempation to ask what he's been up to either.

Well, his A has been going on almost 9 months now. Seems we're further apart than we ever were. If nothing else, maybe God is teaching me patience. All I know to do right now is sit and wait...

LL

LL,

There is an expression that I have learned to appreciate recently. I don't know if it is used where you come from, but here in the rural south, particularly at funerals, hospitalizations, and other major crisis type events you will often hear older people use a comfort phrase..."God will not give you anything that you cannot handle".

The most recent time that I heard the phrase was about 4 years ago at the funeral of my cousin's 13 yr old daughter in Georgia. A tornado had struck her home killing her daughter and her husband and injuring one of her sons who was at home at the time. It totally devastated her home and she lost everything. They had filed for bankruptcy protection about 6 months earlier, so she truly lost all of her material world and was left with 2 sons, one 17 and the injured one 10.

Growing up in North Carolina and coming from a very large rural family, I had heard it alot. I never understood how that phrase was supposed to be comforting. When I heard so many people tell it to my cousin, I still wondered why. I decided it was just something said by people to those who were in great emotional pain when no one knew what else to say. I still didn't understand.

Within the last year or so, I have thought more about that phrase and I think that I am beginning to see the wisdom in those words. I am starting to believe that God lets us go through these painful times in our lives so that we can learn more about all the parts of life , to recognize the horrible parts, and better appreciate the beautiful. The disasters make us grow by forcing us to face things that are normally avoided if possible. He lets us develop coping skills and become stronger, better people. He lets us learn more about ourselves and the people around us.

I have seen several instances here on MB that have re-enforced that for me. One member was frustrated because she now sees warning signs in three friends marriages but can't get them interested in learning the valuable lessons taught here. How many times have you seen someone say "I wish I had known about LBs and ENs long before I wound up on this board?" I bet that is one of the most common phrases to come out of an MB BS's mouth!! It is probably at least as common as ILYBNILWY. My second personal most common is "there are some things that I wish that I never had to learn". Point being, we probably wouldn't be learning this stuff if we weren't forced to do it by some catastrophic event in our lives.

What I am starting to realize is that by being forced to learn about all of this painful stuff, I have also learned and faced way too much stuff about my self that has been hurtful to other people(my WS and DDs to name the most dear to me)for way too many years. My behavior and attitude did not do a very good job of considering THEIR feelings....I never knew! I was so busy chasing my goals and my desires that I never even realized the emotional havoc that I was creating around me. I would fuss at the girls constantly for not doing the things that I wanted them to do. I wasn't listening to what they felt. I was busy persuading my WW to do the things that I wanted her to do. I accepted her silence as agreement with whatever I was doing. What I didn't realize was that she has never been able to speak up for herself. As a child in an alcoholic home, she learned that in order to survive emotionally, she had to keep her opinions, feelings, and wants bottled up inside in order to keep from being constantly disappointed. This was a "learned" survival skill for her. I didn't understand when she tried to explain it to me because I had no point of reference from the comparatively easy and simple life that I had had growing up. I wasn't able to grasp the concept until I read it in "The Struggle for Intimacy" book that I keep mentioning to you. There is a HUGE pile of painful lessons and concepts in that book. It is full of things that I truly wish NO ONE ever had to go through or learn about. You can learn about both children and adults in this book who live in a world contaminated by an addiction whether alcohol, drugs, or an affair. The end result to the child is the same regardless of the substance.

Back from the ramble and on to the point...God gives us these challenges so that hopefully, in the end, we can be better people, parents, spouses, and human beings. We can learn to be more accepting, to be more loving, and we can learn to do a better job of appreciating the beauty in life when it comes along. As you said the other night, you enjoyed the food, music, and glass of wine that you probably would not have been able enjoy in the days before your ordeal started. Granted you still wanted someone to share it with, but that will come. It may be with your WH or it may be with someone else. But it will come. You are moving through this and becoming an even better woman than you were when you married your H. If it is what you truly desire and what God has in store for you, then your H will probably come through this a better person as well. Meanwhile, know in your heart(tell yourself as many times a day as necessary),

God will not give you anything that you cannot handle!

Continue growing yourself and growing your children. Keep appreciating the good things in life. Learn again to watch for the beauty in the world.

Wishing you peace.

Dave

Dave, what an inspired post. It has been my reflection lately, but I always come in short of words. I can benefit so much from reading everyone's posts. Thank you.

LL, I share his thought with you. I think that we all grow from the pain and hurt. I am trying so hard to be a better wife, mom, daughter and sister. But still far from it, but I am working. DD said yesterday, she did not like me to be around. She was so defensive, whatever I said to her, she took it as critize. It is very hard to deal with her. How is your DD doing?

Hey there,

Why not take the ADD meds?

The reason I ask is because I have suspected my H has ADD. Many of the things you describe about yourself he has been doing over the years. He told me last night he used to get in trouble for not paying attention.

He saw a Dr. last year that prescribed a medicine for him that has made ALL the difference in our M. I honestly would not have been able to cope in our M if he was not taking the meds.

Life before medication? He was not able to pay attention in a conversation for longer than 30 seconds unless there was some trauma going on. He was so easily frustrated, about once every two months there would be something else broken due to his temper (keyboard, wall, door...sound familiar?) Impulsive behavior, I could not trust him with the checkbook...whatever he wanted, he'd buy.

It sounds like you have built yourself some pretty powerful coping skills, but why not take the meds? Especially now, when you are trying to show your H a different side of you.

I can say from experience, M with a person with ADD is VERY trying.

My H takes the meds now and it doesn't effect him at all...so he says...but everyone around him notices a difference. That's the best kind of drug, one with no side effects...

thanks lost for pointing me to dave's post and thanks dave (buttonzoo) for taking the time to write it. all of it's true and well said and feel i did many of the things you have done and my H was your W (just got to a point he didn't say anything).

i really needed to read this today so thank you again. the only kind of smile i want to share is, have you ever heard the saying "God doesn't give us any more than we can handle but i wish he didn't trust me so much." God bless and continued prayers to all.

I do appreciate the inspirational post by burtonzoo, too. I've actually started a Word document of things I've learned through pain and things I'm thankful for, and intend to post it to prove this painful experience isn't completely for naught.

In the mean time, I had a little mini-breakdown again today. I bought a new sofa (no, that was the good thing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and did call WH and ask if I could either borrow the truck or kindly get his help to deliver it to the house. I'm too cheap to pay $40 to have it delivered from a store that is maybe two miles from my house at best.

He agreed. I asked if he knew anyone who might want the old ratty sofa (sleeps GREAT if one needs an extra bed--just looks cruddy). He very calmly and coldly said he'd probably store it down in a coworkers building for now. I think this means he's preparing for moving to a place of his own, most likely with OW. (Upon realizing how much she really still means to him and how he's willing to walk away from us, I started the crying thing in the office. Good thing it's after quitting time and I'm one of the only ones here.)

He's acted very "different" and very aloof and cold lately. His texts and calls aren't nearly as frequent as they were. And I can sort of tell from his bank account that he went to visit his dad and step mom on Sunday from where he bought his gas, and then can see that on the same day he purchased gas near the place his OW is living. I think this means he took OW to see daddy and step-mommy, probably on the Harley.

So, I'm really confused by my own emotions. On one hand I have actually enjoyed the peace and quiet of not worrying where he is and not having him yelling at us or putting us down or rubbing an A in our faces. The kids and I are getting along better.

On the other hand, I think the denial is starting to come to an end and I'm realizing that this M is most likely over (as in I shouldn't even be posting here anymore--should probably be over in D/D now, but have so many friends here and so much support, I'm not ready to go there.) I don't want him to ruin his life. I can't control that, but if he ends up with her, this is what I see happening, and it breaks my heart. (Okay, gotta stop writing about it...getting teary again. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> )

Maybe I should be trying harder in a Plan A. Maybe I should truly be in a Plan B (irrelevant until after DS's graduation). Maybe I shouldn't have cancelled the session with Jennifer. Maybe I should read my Bible more--I've been busy and have slacked off the last few days.

Maybe I'm just really confused anymore?!? I still feel tons better than I did a couple months ago, so I think I'm on the right track, but I have zero concentration. I can't hold a thought for 10 seconds. Too much on my mind.

I have to figure out how to let go and let God!

LL

LL - I think you want to stay with us until you've done a good Plan B before you give up on your marriage. You are doing better and better. Soon you will be like me. I know I went through horrible pain, but can hardly remember it now.

I keep my Bible right next to my bed. I find a few passages at night before sleep and a few in the morning really help. It's also easier to make it a habit if you have set times for reading.

That comment about OW on the bike really steamed me. I get similar 'visuals' about special times my wife and I cruised the countryside in our van and they are far far worse than anything sexual.

Hang tough. This isn't over yet. I think after the grad a good solid Plan B will scare the heck out of him and though it might be rough at first, it'll bring about a resolution.

dewt