LL, I think that your state of mind will get you ready for a real Plan B. hang in there until DS's graduation. I wish some day I can reach to your state.

I found that reading the Bible is so helpful. I am reading from the beginning.

LL, I even didn't know what I was saying in last post. DD drives me crazy. I don't know whether I put my anger of Wh to her or she put it to me.

I asked her nicely if she need my help with her Chinese homework. She said I don't want to do it. I was mad, I told her that all she need to say is yes or no. Or she can answer my question by yes or no, then say i don't want to do it. Why did she interpretate things differently. I feel my head is spinning.

LL,
Sorry to hear that you had a tough day today. I understand completely as I have had several lately. Maybe that's why I got a little long winded and "preachy" last night.

Enjoy the smile we were given about "wishing sometimes God didn't trust us so much!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I loved that and it surely helped with my day!

We are both headed for some tough times. Just keep pushing and we will make it through. Know that whatever happens YOU will be a better lady on the other side.

Hoping your tomorrow is brighter and wishing you peace.

Dave

<small>[ May 19, 2004, 10:13 PM: Message edited by: burtonzoo ]</small>

Hey there!

What's the latest?

Think of you often.

LL, thinking of you. Hope your day is good.

LNH,

Regarding your DD, I believe it's a teenager's mission to disagree with everything their parent says (especially if they're girls) just because they're a teenager and it's what they're supposed to do. When they have emotional issues or you have family issues (as you and I are experiencing) it's just that much harder.

My DD just walked in the door. It's 10pm. She wasn't supposed to go out at all, but left before I got home. Then she called at 7pm and I told her to be home by 8pm. Well...here she is, finally. Ugh!

I guess we just have to take things one day at a time with them and try our best to be good mothers, and not blame ourselves too much for the way they choose to act. They're not toddlers anymore.

LL

As for how I'm doing, I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get ready for DS's graduation reception on Saturday. The house still needs SO much work because I've spent the last few evenings in search of new furniture (that I can't afford but bought on a credit card--SHAME on me!!)

I asked WH if he'd deliver it for me, because he offered to take the old sofa.

So we hauled furniture tonight (and I totally spaced off that it was my monthly Bunco night with the neighbors, so missed my monthly social evening--bummer!).

WH was very polite, albeit a little on the cool side. We did the furniture. He watched some TV. We went to the grocery story for milk for me and for chew tobacco (blech!) and a book for him (payment for hauling).

He showed me his gold-tipped hair that OW bleached for him. We talked a little about her. I asked if he was planning on moving in with her once he got money built up. He said no. I asked if he was planning on marrying her. He said no. I asked what was going on in his brain. He said "trying to survive". He's continuing to lose weight because he's purposely not eating.

When he left, I felt this urge to give him a hug. He didn't pull away, but hugged me back.

It felt really good---I miss hugs. But it made me really sad, too. This sadness thing is starting to bother me. I'm not sure what it means. I was doing better a week ago than I am now. I'm getting sad more often, and thinking about the good little things I miss, and forgetting all the yelling and cursing and belittling and drinking (oh yeah, and the fact that he's sleeping with another woman on a regular basis and has chosen her over me for the past 7 months).

I almost considered tonight saying, "WH, please give her up and quit drinking and come back home to your family." But then the smarts kicked in and I realize what I want is a fantasy.

It's so weird--I go from at one moment being ready to file for D and move on with my life to hoping the fantasy comes true and he becomes the Christian husband I've been praying for for years and comes running back to me.

I'm starting to fear I'll just live in limbo forever because he's never going to file for D--he's already said that a number of times, and if I do it, then I'm the 'bad guy' who gave up on the M.

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> I asked what was going on in his brain. He said "trying to survive". </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I get that exact same thing.

What the heck is that all about anyway?!?!?!

dewt

If I understand the methods here...it sounds like their life is beginning to suck! It sounds like realization creeping in. The trick...if I understand correctly..is that we are not supposed to help them feel better until it sucks bad enough for them to commit to something(preferably the M)

And yes..I know..this is all easy for me to say because I am not there yet.

LL,

Can you start now looking forward to a relaxing Sunday and finally getting that rest that it sounds like you already need? Plan it all..church in the morning, put the steaks in the marinade when you get home, take a nap on the new couch, spend the early evening grilling and listening to music. Plan on stepping around the party aftermath until Monday night...it will wait for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !

Be good to yourself!

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 10:49 PM: Message edited by: burtonzoo ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Can you start now looking forward to a relaxing Sunday and finally getting that rest that it sounds like you already need? Plan it all..church in the morning, put the steaks in the marinade when you get home, take a nap on the new couch, spend the early evening grilling and listening to music. Plan on stepping around the party aftermath until Monday night...it will wait for you </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That sounds WONDERFUL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (And the new couch, while probably not a wise use of a credit card, is very comfy.)

Hopefully the party aftermath won't be too bad. I ordered cake, cocktail buns, and a meat and cheese tray from my local grocer. They will all be disposable when done. I'm buying all plastic dishes/silverware - again just pitch in the trash. So hopefully the majority of it will be easily taken care of with a few garbage bags.

I'm just going to be busier than a bee today and tomorrow morning! Need LOTS of caffiene!!
----------------------------------------------

As for the WH deal, I think he's been miserable since about January. My thought is that between having feelings for OW (I would see them as close to the "soulmate" A) and being too proud to admit he screwed up, this is what keeps him where he is.

I just go back and forth between saying to myself "God will direct me--I need to just wait as long as it takes", and getting nervous because I'm 38 and the longer I wait on something that may not be worth waiting on, the harder it may be for me to ever find someone who does value God and their beliefs and vows. But then that gets back to "God will direct me", doesn't it? And my fear is that God may intend for me to be single.

My little vicious circle, it is. Thankfully I don't dwell on it quite like I used to. It's getting easier to live as a single. Just lonely.

LL

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL, I am glad that you are getting busier. It is good to be busy so we can keep our mind off these stupid things.

I know what you mean by wasting your time. I am even older than you are, so don't waorry. GOD will give us the best. He is just give us the training needed. I feel the same as you today, when you read my thread, you know what I mean. Since my Wh wants a D, maybe it is better to just D now. I think that I am going throought too much. D, S, WH, everything is pouring on me. I feel tha i am dying inside. I hope GOD will give me more energy.

LL,

I know that you are havung a party today. Hope you have a good time and have time to relax tomorrow.

Well I am older than both of you. I married WH at 46, and if this marriage does not work out, I know there is someone else out there. There are always plenty of men around.

Half the marriages now end in divorce, and with all the infidelity going on, there will be lots of men to choose from. So do the work now to save the marriage, and don't worry about being single for the rest of your life.

LL,

I second believer's post. You have an awful lot going for you now on the inside. When you finally get through all of this either married or single, YOU will be a stronger, better person. Hang in there, try not to sweat the future too much, and know that if you watch for it, God will help you get the happiness back in your life. Like you, I am also trying to learn patience.

I hope your big day today is super and that your tomorrow brings the relaxation and rest that you have been looking forward to.

Whew!! I survived the graduation reception. Had a pretty big crowd. It went very well, despite my not getting quite everything done that I wanted done. Everyone is gone now. I'm GLAD it's over!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !!

Will type more about how things went later.

LL

LL, glad your party went well. Now relax and enjoy yourself. Put everything behind you and have a good night sleep.

A little more detail about today while I wait for the kids to come home (though I'm really tired and expect I'll be a bad mom and end up falling asleep before either of them appear)....

What started as a little party ended up costing me about $250 in food and decorations (not counting the new furniture) but I worked my fanny off and things did look really good by the time people started showing up. The only thing that really didn't get done was touching up paint scuffs on the walls, and I don't think anyone noticed.

Along with DS's friends and my family, WH's mom and step-dad AND dad and step-mom showed up -- and they showed up at the same time. I think this is the first time they've spent significant time in the same location together since our wedding, and before that, since their divorce.

They did fine, though didn't say a word to each other. One set stayed out in the formal living room except when they got their food, and the others hung in our family room. I visited with both alternately, though his mom and step-dad are a little 'chilly' and I don't enjoy them as much.

Reception started at 2pm. WH finally showed up at about 3:15pm or so. He came in, visited for a little while (maybe an hour?), complained of his stomach hurting, and went to my bedroom and fell asleep for the remainder of the afternoon.

His dad and step-mom were NOT impressed. She told me his dad is deeply disappointed in his behavior. She also mentioned that he brought OW down on the Harley last weekend (I already suspected). She said after he left, his 20-yr-old half-brother commented, "So where'd he find the hooker??". Step-MIL said OW didn't talk much down there and when she did, it showed her lack of intelligence. They have no idea what he sees in her or why he's doing what he's doing, but AGAIN told me I am always a part of the family, and they both hugged me again when they left and told me to come down and visit sometime.

Step-MIL also asked me if I put the reception together on my own. I admitted I did, with the exception of getting the lawn mower running and delivering the furniture which WH did. In fairness to WH, I admitted I didn't ask him for help (or money). Her rather disgusted comment, "He should have helped anyway!"

MIL and step-FIL just sort of shrugged their shoulders when WH walked in late. They don't say much.

So, we all had a very nice visit. Along with the 20 family members that showed, DS probably also had another 20 school buddies show up. His girlfriend made some AWESOME chocolate dipped strawberries this morning to go along with all my goodies. I was impressed.

All in all it went very well. DS had fun, got lots of cards and money, and I got lots of positive comments on the decorations, the food, and my snazzy new leather furniture. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WH, on the other hand, I guess had a nice nap in my bed, watched a little TV, and after everyone else had left (including DS who had other grad receptions to attend), came out of the bedroom, crawled on the Harley, and left before the storms rolled in.

All I can do is give one of those "whatever?!" shrugs. I just don't understand him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

LL

<small>[ May 22, 2004, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL- Good for you. Sounds like everything went well. You make me proud. You are showing everyone that you can do this. Now it is time for you to rest up and enjoy the feeling of accomplishment.

LL, I am so proud of you. You did a great job. It is proven you can do manythings without your H. You are strong, really Lorads Lady.

Admittedly, I did not read this entire thread, just the last page. WOW! You have come so far! I actually experienced JOY while reading your party description. Your WH is so much the LOSER right now. The LL train is moving on, and he's gonna have to jump on or get left in the dust.

When my H saw me doing the type of stuff you are doing, to include the shoulder-shrugging and head-shaking, THAT is when he began to turn around. And he was full of pride and humiliation and all of that. And I simply left him in those juices to simmer for a while, and he came back!

I am so happy for you. You know when you lose weight slowly and in a healthy way (unlike how we did it - are you still pinning your pants up?), sometimes it is hard to tell that you have lost anything; but then someone who hasn't seen you in a while will exclaim about how good you look? Well, that is what I am doing, except not about weight, but about YOU working on YOU.

You go, girlfriend!

SS