Well... not RIGHT back... but back nonetheless.<P>The days have been terrible. The nights not much better. My H called me at work today to apologize for his actions lately because I basically scared him to death by telling him that when he pushes me away I don't have many choices about where to go. Major love buster, I know. I am just sooooo tired. I ended up with stomach problems, hot and cold flashes, a headache - you name it. In the meantime, as usual, OM is here and there throughout the day. I guess what makes me maddest is that any of this happened at all. Both my H and my friend at work tell me that I need to be myself no matter where I am. When I'm myself at work, OM pays attention to me. Makes me want to put on a sack and scream obscenities at him so he won't want me. Then again, when my H isn't there for me it begins to feel pretty nice. BIG MISTAKE, BIG PROBLEM. On the one hand, I want out, away, to gain my weight back so nobody notices me, and on the other, I want to have FUN, to feel LOVE, to dance, and play and laugh my life away. <P>I am soooooo tired. I'm tired of fighting, of feeling unloved, of feeling guilty, of having to see my H turn into this crazymaker who, god, I know is hurting and doesn't know WHAT to do with the pain... how did we get here? <P>I went from having a H, to having a H and a lover, to having nobody. That's what I feel like. My H may or may not get through this, but forgiveness is not in the cards for him. He WILL NOT accept that his actions are pushing me away, that his actions are significant, that his actions have consequences. What it means for me is this: I wouldn't want the OM anyway, so I'll be out there searching for someone. I see it now. I see me, and I'm alone. <P>I am so very sorry to be a downer here. I want so much to be happy. Maybe it's a dream, a fantasy. I don't know. <P>I love my H, but honestly, it's dwindling, spiriling... I want him to love me, but he just can't right now. He hates me. He wants to punish me emotionally. He's succeeding. I am not asking for pity. But please, please pray for me. I am not suicidal, I don't feel depressed. I've been there before. I just feel very sad because my actions caused this. Such a waste.

OH NB, that is such a difficult situation! I understand how you feel about wanting to be loved etc.! That's what put you in this position in the first place, isn't it? I mean, all "betrayers" need of course to accept responsibility for their actions, but behind it all there is something that has been missing that caused the door to open, so to speak. He needs to acknowledge this or the problem will NOT go away! Plead with him...tell him you don't want to end the marriage...forget about the love busting, just be honest! Better to love bust than to live a lie and pretend everything is perfect, then leave and have him thinking "What happened?"<P>Yes, he has every right to be upset and hurt, but NOT to punish you emotionally. If that's all he wants he needs to leave. But if he truly loves you and wants to work on the marriage, and I suspect he does, then he'll take steps toward a reconciliation and STOP hurting you just for spite!<P>As far as the OM goes, can't you find a diff. job? I mean, I know that's extreme, but perhaps in this case it's justified...<P>Best wishes<P>Tracy<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

New_Beginning: I hear ya girl! Had one of those mornings, myself. Sometimes things just get overwhelming, and we all want to just scream, run away, and forget our responsibilities. <BR>You say that you love your husband? From my experience, the more you tell him that, the easier it will be for him to believe you. Being on the "other side of the fence" I often thought that my H would tell me how much he loved me, out of guilt, or a feeling of obligation, or if you will, a thank you for not leaving him.<P>The mind works in mysterious ways. In your profile, you stated that your husband was a "betrayer" way back when. Can you relate through your experiences, how he is feeling now? I know it is difficult, but every day will get better. Wait and see. (Hey, we all are entitled to have a bad day once in awhile!) Chin up!<P>Success Story (why me)<BR>

I always hate to describe my job situation too much because it's so specialized and idnetifying that someone who knows me would know who I was... but I'll try...<P>I live in an area that is just beginning to thrive in one of the deserts of the western US. I work with students with disabilities at a community college. My job was temp for eight years until it became permanent. I made $7.20 an hour for all those years, no benefits, and things were so bad that we filed bankruptcy and lost everything. When my job became permanent I suddenly made three times the money and benefits, including retirement. I looked for all those years for a "real" job, but couldn't find one. I'd been in banking before but it had been years. My new experience was with students with disabilities only. At this point, I can't even transfer across campus because I am a specialist in my area. I am not qualified for anything comparible. <P>And so here I am. Stuck. Again, I hate that I had to say all this, because I've mentioned this site to many and they would know me if they read this. But I think it's important to understand my frustration. I'm boxed in here.<P>My H does not want me to quit. And frankly, at this point I am not sure if my H and I will make it. I don't want to try to live off of $5.00 hr and lose the best job I've ever had - not to mention the stress of a possible divorce. I just can't handle it.<P>Do you understand??

Sheryl,<P>Hey, I can totally relate to wanting happiness. That's what I want too. I'm pretty sick of being not happy. My wife and I have been making progress on our relationship, but there are still slides down and steps back. Last night we had a fight. We've sorta made up, but I'm feeling depressed today.<P>I started my new job and things didn't get off to an auspicious start. Besides the fight last night (which of course led to a night of little sleep), I also caught a cold which started yesterday. When I got in to my new work place today, my PC, which had been on order for a week and a half, still wasn't in, so I had to work at someone else's desk. Not to mention, the office I was supposed to use was still being used as storage space... Yeesh! OK, so maybe these are little things to complain about, but when you add them up, it's enough...<P>So anyway, I can't really offer any advice, but I can sure offer empathy, cuz I know where you're coming from!<P>--andy

hey andy! I was gonna ask about your job. Good grief... I'm sorry to hear about how icky it's going so far!<P>Just wanted to check in with you, and thanks for your continued good thoughts!<P>

NB - There is nothing wrong with you feeling the way you do. I know that I and probably a lot of other people here feel like you do(Airheart - I am really tired of not being happy, too. Is that so much to ask?). I want to be happy again, have someone to share my life with, be close to, be intimate with, etc. I think that given where you are at right now what you are feeling is perfectly natural and you have every right to look for whatever can give you these things.<P>As far as your H is concerned, I guess I fail to understand why he concerns himself with your employment status if he doesn't want to continue the marriage. You are right on that his focus right now is to punish you. Being in his situation I know that feeling very well, but luckily, I haven't succumbed to the temptation to follow thru on that urge. Hopefully he can work thru that and look at what he really wants long-term.<P>Don't feel bad about telling him how he makes you feel when he pushes you away. I agree with the concept of not "love-busting" as a general principle, but there are times when it may be necessary. My W and I had some of our most productive conversations after I LB'ed on the right issue.<P>Hang on. Life for you is DEFINITELY going to get better. It might take some time, but it will happen. Start doing things once in a while that get your mind off the problems with H and make you feel good. I won't assume that I know what those activities are but you can find them. Take care of yourself first and you will better be able to deal with the home front.