I have a confession to make. I broke Plan B Friday night. I had so much on my mind. Things that were eating me up inside about my husband. Things that my brother and my Dad are doing in reference to my husband and our situation.

I talked to my Dad and brother on Thursday when I was driving home from work. My Dad told me my brother was having a major s*** fit because his captain at work put him, the OW and my husband all on the same shift at work for the next shift rotation (they are all police officers). The captain said he wanted to sit back and see "the show" that would happen with all of them on the same shift. My brother has made written requests to be moved from my husband's shift and I do not know if he knows what the outcome is at this point. My brother and my husband do not speak and the OW stays away from my brother for obvious reasons.

My Dad has said some things about my husband hurting me, not to my husband, but to the guys he works with when they are out at my Dad's place of employment - a place the officers need to go every few months for their training. These guys have told my Dad how much they cannot stand my husband because he still walks around work like he is still the golden boy who can't do any wrong, even since his affair with the OW (she also works there and so does her fiance) came to light and him kicking me out of our home. My Dad claims not to have participated in the "bad mouthing" of my husband but keeps his ears open for any little bit of information that they saw. Some is true, some isn't, but he said his first priority is to protect me and my interests. Whatever. I don't need anyone except my husband to watch out for my interests at this point. I told my Dad to please, please, please stay out of the gossip mill about my husband because the guys he "listens" to go right back to my husband and tell him what my Dad says. Yes, the coworkers are playing both sides of the fence, but these guys are worse than little, old, gossiping women.
I also told my Dad that every time something happens with my husband that he can attribute to him, it makes it harder and harder for me to get my husband back. I said my husband keeps pulling away from me with every ounce of energy he has. He married into our family - who would want to be part of a family that is crucifying him like this?? He said he understood and would remember my request if/when he sees my husband, but he also said he has every right to say something to him if my husband talks about it to him first. He also told me my husband avoids him out at the training facility and he never used to. I wonder why??

So, after I hang up with my Dad I call my brother, whom I haven't spoken to since October 28, 2003 when I told him stop making me choose between him and my husband because I will always choose my husband. My brother (33 years old) has never been in a long term relationship and doesn't yet understand that connection that spouses have. I asked my brother if what my Dad told me was true. He said it was and he didn't care what I thought about him trying to screw my husband over at work. He said he was having his attorneys trying to get my husband in trouble with the City they work at for having a sexual relationship with a subordinate, especially since the OW is pregnant and he isn't convinced that it isn't my husband's baby despite the OWs fiance dragging her scummy [censored] to a specialist in large city near us for paternity determination, my husband "threatening" him (never happened) and other little s***. Ever since the affair was exposed, now my brother wants to play "brother of the year" with me. I forgot to mention he didn't talk to me for 4 months before DDay (he told me initially) because my husband couldn't change his days off and he called me and motherf***ed me up and down about my husband not having any balls to worry that he was showing him favoritism and to change his days off. My brother, the baby of the family, always wants things his way and he doesn't care who or what he has to do to get it done. He is so selfish and only out for himself.
Anyway, at the end of the conversation I asked my brother to please, please, please stop doing this s*** to my husband because it hurts me more than it could ever hurt my husband. I told him I love my husband more than anything in the world and to please not hinder me from getting my marriage back on track. He said he had to protect himself first. Nice. We hang up the phone.

So, I then call my husband to fill him in on what I hear is going on at his work and how people are trying to severely hurt him personally and his career (I had asked him before about what was going on and he told me it was none of my business). I get his cell voicemail and leave him a message. I didn't hear from him so I try him again in a little while - I know he is at work because one of my best girlfriends works with him too and she said he was there that night and they were pretty busy.

He finally calls me back and I tell him everything I know. He asked me questions about what I've told him and he is acting very cold to me. I told him I will stand by him through everything and anything, including if this baby is his. I told him that I will help him in any way I can to make his life easier with everything that is going on around us. I begged him to please take me back and let me come home. I asked him why he has never asked me to forgive him? He said he knows I could never forgive him. I told him I can and I do, but I need to be with him so he has see how far I've come. We talked about other things that I cannot remember right now. I also told him that I really need sex. He said that it will not be coming from him. I asked him why and he said because we are separated and he wants a divorce from me. I asked him if he intended on filing from divorce from me on the first day he can (18 months of livng apart first in our state). He told me he didn't have any grand plan on how things would go, just that he wishes we could do it ourselves and make it easy. Puh-leeze. I told him I will never agree to a divorce from him because we made a promise. I also told him I love him with all my heart and soul and I will be here for him and will always take him back. I also told him the only person he needs to worry about forgiving him is me and God. I asked him if he would like to meet for lunch Saturday and he said no. I asked him why not and he said he doesn't want to listen to the same s*** we've been talking about tonight. I told him I was just planning on some light, fun conversation and he still said no.
I then asked him if he went to the doctor to be tested for HIV/STDs yet and he asked me why should he? I was flabbergasted. I told him because you had unprotected sex!!!! No reply.
I asked him to please take me to the hospital next week when I have my biopsy on the masses in my breast. He said he thought I made arrangements with my girlfriend for her to take me and I told him I did, but she cannot make any "decisions" for me if need be. He then told me to have by brother or my Dad take me. I said I need you, my husband to be with me through this. I then told him if he isn't willing to go with me, I will go alone and not have the anesthesia so I can drive myself home. I meant to tell him I won't be able to take the Valium and some other relaxation medication that they will give me. They are using a lot of local for my breast. He then told me to stop playing the martyr. I then told him I think he doesn't want to see me because the sight of me makes him feel bad and guilty. He then asked me how do I know what he feels or thinks? I said to him what he is going through is totally normal and part of being a WS. No reply.

Anyway, I called him again this afternoon asking him if he wanted to go to CHili's for dinner and maybe catch a movie and I will wait for him to call me back on my cell phone before I eat anything for dinner. I called at 3:30 and still haven't heard from him. I honestly did not expect to hear from him and I haven't.

So, there's my confession. I feel horrible for LBing him and not hearing anything that made me feel better.

I wish I could go back in time and take those phone calls away. Oh well. I guess from now on I know better and know why Plan B can be effective. I feel like s*** right now.

Thanks for letting me confess and vent at the same time.

Have a good night.

Well there are lots of us falling of the Plan B wagon, so join the club. It is usually a setback, but normal.

It sounds like you have lots of support from your family, which is nice. I see how it bothers you, but I think they are trying to be protective of you.

Hang in there, your WH is completely in the fog. That is why he is so cold right now. That will change too. It just takes some time.

Hi, Believer -

The thing that bothers me the most about my family is something my husband has said in the past. He said that my family only comes together when there is something bad going on and that is when we all get together to screw someone over together (paraphrased). I think that is true. But, they are trying to hurt my husband when I have asked them to stay out of it because I am trying to save my marriage with every fiber of my being. They claim to love me, but then they hurt me and not care about what I am going through.

I am not some weak little girl who needs protection from her family. Actually, quite the opposite.

I can't believe my husband is still in the fog since DDay was in October. WTF? I think there is more to what is going on. My gut tells me that. I've asked him to tell me what the hell else is going on and he said I know it all. He asks me why I keep asking him that and I tell him my gut tells me the other shoe is going to drop. He claims he hasn't spoken to the OW since DDay unless it was for strictly professional reasons at work. I think he gave her his password to his AOL account and she has signed on under that and has emailed him. I also think he is going to be a total d*** to me to drive me away from him. Guilt? Him worrying that the OWs baby is his? Could be.

Anyway, I have to get ready for work. I am seriously considering calling in sick today. I don't want to get out of bed.

Have a good day!

My D-day was in July and WH is still in the fog. So don't give up.

Work on changing you. It really does happen. It took me until this month to change. And my WH has been having a PA since last March. So hang in there and don't give up.

Your family is going to do what they are going to do.

Well, I ended up working close to home today because the roads were a bit icy when I left this morning, so I turned around and came to an office 2 miles from my "real" home.

I just stopped there after work because while I was on the phone with my husband (yes, I called him and asked him if he wanted to meet for dinner) one of our friends stopped by with his really cute little kids that I really like. My husband told me he would call me back. So, it is time for me to leave from work and I go to my home to see my husband and see what he has decided on for dinner. Our friend's car is still in the driveway. I rang the doorbell to my own home instead of just walking in when the front door was open (just the storm door closed) and he came to the door and came out on the front porch and wouldn't let me in - not even to say hi to our friend and his kids. He said when you come in you never leave until the next morning. I told him that's not true and he still wouldn't let me in. I said this is my house too and he said no it is not. Ugh! Anyway, he said he would meet me somewhere for dinner but he wasn't letting me in my house.

I was so embarrassed and hurt. Why does he hurt me so much? I cried all the way back to my apartment. I need this pain to end because I just cannot take it anymore. I am sick of being made a fool of and having him rub his hatred for me in my face. I don't deserve one minute of this cruel torture and I want my life back with my normal, loving husband. We are meeting for dinner at our local diner at 5pm. I don't think I will be able to keep from crying. I hope I can hold off mentioning anything about "us" and just try to have a cheerful conversation about anything but "us". I know he is hidng something from me. I want to ask him why can't he be a real man and just tell me what the f*** is going on once and for all. There are people who would die to have a spouse who would fight as hard as I am to save their marriage. I am just a big fool to think he will ever take ME back and I wasn't even the one who had an affair!

I swear he looks at me with hatred in his eyes. You would think it would be the other way around! Why can't I just throw away my love and my promises like he has? Why can't I just take up with someone else and just piss on our vows like he did? I am not trying to be the "bigger" or "better" person, but I am having such a hard time dealing with this right now.

I never thought the one person who had never hurt me or lied to me or broken a promise to me would start 12 years into a relationship and not even 3 years into our marriage. I deserve better treatment than this!