I have been in Plan B for one week. So far WH has not tried to contact me at all – not a peep. This is very upsetting to me. I know that sounds a bit hypocritical seeing as I sent him the PBL which asked him not to call, email or visit me. I guess I expected him to at least try to contact me (and have me nicely say “I cannot talk to you while you are still with OW”). I can’t help wondering if my Plan B is having any affect on him at all. Does he even miss me? Maybe it is too soon for me to see any affect, but Plan B is tough and I was hoping to see a sign of hope. I really don’t know how long I can continue Plan B. Each day that goes by, my love bank drains even more. I heard from a friend that he is saying that “we” decided not talking with each other or seeing each other is the best approach for now. I think he may be glad we are in Plan B – less guilt for him. I guess I need some support with Plan B. I have these moments of doubt, but overall I feel much better. Now I don’t have to hear his fog talk and I don’t wonder as much about what he is doing or where he is.

I guess the worst “symptom” of Plan B I am suffering is that I am feeling very alone. I have friends and family but it is not the same as having someone to share your life with. Sometimes I wonder (like we all do) why I want to recover my marriage. We have no children, no mortgage, I am financially independent (in fact I make more money than WH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ), have a great career, am young, and have my whole life ahead of me. So many on this board post things like “I am being strong for my kids” or “I cannot support myself financially” etc. If you did not have the traditional ties that bind, would you hang on or would you walk away free and clear? Plan B is tough...

How long were you in Plan A?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shockednhurt:
<strong> If you did not have the traditional ties that bind, would you hang on or would you walk away free and clear? Plan B is tough... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">snh,

A few points. It seems that your experience is similar to mine. My WW is on her 3rd PA in 2.5 years of marriage. I too am capable of supporting myself financially, I am young(ish) at 27, intelligent, and a really nice guy. (and look where it got me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) I am currently in Plan A, but preparing for Plan B.

Keep in mind that you do have a traditional tie that binds, as do I. They're called marriage vows. Each case is different, but I say follow the plans. I'm no expert, but I believe Plan B is designed to protect your love in the event that your WS returns to the M. If they don't, it allows your LB to diminish as you live your life without your WH. If a D is what happens, you will be in a better place to handle it. As I look at facing Plan B, I am actually looking forward to not having to think about where my WW is and what she's doing. Plan B sets your boundaries in stone, and tells your WS what it will take to return to your M. If they won't respect your boundaries, do you want them back anyway? They say Plan B gets easier as you go. Hang in there, and post when you feel lonely. Somebody will come along to help you out.

Good Luck,
Ethan

Hi,

Thanks for the replys.

Melody: I found marriage builders the day after d-day, so I was fortunate. I did a very good Plan A for 8 weeks. Started love busting at the end of the 8th week but recovered well and went into Plan B on a very good note. I am counseling with Jennifer from MB and it was her recommendation that I move to Plan B at this time. WH had moved in with OW and was very "in my face" about the A. He is still on the fence trying to decide between us. Was always saying things like "I love you and cannot live with out you". "I am opptomistic about us working this out". "I want you". blah blah... but his actions (him living with her and his not being able to give OW up) were saying something different. To protect myself, Jennifer recommended moving to Plan B.

Ethan: Thanks for your response. It does seem we have similar experiences. It is very unfortunte that we have experienced this trauma so young in both our marriages. It really makes me question everything - my judgement, my outlook on life, my thoughts on love and marriage. Thanks for the gentle reminder about the ultimate tie that binds - my marriage vows. Even if they don't mean much to my WH, I promised before God, my family and friends to love him for better or worse. Unfortunately this is the worse. But again, Plan B does make me feel a bit better. If you move to Plan B, I hope it will give you a bit of peace as well. I hope you are right about it getting easier as you go.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shockednhurt:
<strong> It really makes me question everything - my judgement, my outlook on life, my thoughts on love and marriage.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I haven't gone through this, yet. I don't know if I will, but that could just be my naturally optimistic personality. If you feel that you gave your WH everything you could, then that's all you can do. If you truly love(d) your WH and offer(ed) the opportunity to recover the M until a D is final. You'll be able to look at this down the road and know you gave it your all. If your spouse in incapable or unwilling to make your M work, they WILL have to face that. It's not a reflection of you or your choices, it's thiers. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next year, but they WILL have to face it. Would you rather be in that boat?

The key for me has been to find out what I contributed to the demise. I don't know if it was 1%, 50%, or %80. And I am working to uncover and eliminate those things. Give it your all, stay strong in Plan B, and when its all said and done, you'll know you've given it all. That's ALL you can do.

Good Luck,
Ethan

Hi shocked,

You are doing the right thing and I can tell you that Plan B does get easier.You need to give it time though.Of course you will feel sad and rejected intially,that is to be expected.But while you are in this plan,you can rediscover things in your life that you aways wanted to do but never did or continue doing things in more depth that make you happy.

For example,gardening was a big one for me that I had put off.I have 7 beautiful acres to attend too and when I was hurting really badly,it helped me so much just to be out in nature,walking around and listening to the creek that we also have on our property.

This time that your WH and the OW have together is a test.To see if they can really make a go of it or they cannot.Either way,that "control" is out of your hands but Plan B helps you to get stronger,take a cold hard look at what has happened and why and what you want in this life.For me,everything that I knew I wanted in life and I treasured became even more clear.I love being married and I treasure the vows I took.I love spending my life with one person and growing old together.I love having a family life and one that my duaghters can thrive in and one day also have with an honest,caring,loving man who will treat them right.Etc,etc.

You are in for a long haul but you can come out a better person despite this major challenge,with or without your WH.It all comes back to YOU and knowing that you are a child of God and He is always there for you.You are special and don't ever forget that.We are not soley our marriages in this life but what we bring to it.We all are on a constant learning curve so take this in stride,I know it is hard and it hurts.Just keep remembering that you are a worthy being and you are loved.

Lastly,as you continue to go through this painful process,remember to look at the ACTIONS of your WH not what he is saying.WS's can really talk a good talk sometimes but can they walk the walk? THAT is the true test.Are they willing to "DO whatever it takes to try and work on the marriage"? Keep that in the back of your mind.

Hang in there.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shockednhurt:
<strong> Hi,

Thanks for the replys.

Melody: I found marriage builders the day after d-day, so I was fortunate. I did a very good Plan A for 8 weeks. Started love busting at the end of the 8th week but recovered well and went into Plan B on a very good note. I am counseling with Jennifer from MB and it was her recommendation that I move to Plan B at this time. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Shocked, I am so glad you are counseling with the Harleys, they are such good counselers! But I wouldn't worry a bit about not hearing from your H! Initially they are often angry and pull away to see if you will give in. When he calls, which he no doubt will, just be ready to sound like a broken record as Jennifer no doubt told you. Did she help you write a Plan B letter?

Shocked,

I posted the very same exact questions when I started Plan B, feel free to email me Tracestar@aol.com. I am now in like 7 or 8 of Plan B. The first three weeks are a killer. I also wondered, wondered, and wondered. I cried and cried and cried when he didn't call. I have come so far since then and you will too. Whatever you do, don't give in. I will tell you why, because you are going through withdrawals just like he will in recovery. Everyone that has given in to Plan B n/c has regretted it including me. I have written letters and we have talked to each other on the phone, plus I saw him the other day. I am strictly going back to plan B now though. Sometimes you can't help to break it, when circumstances arise.

I wondered why WH didn't call me also. He is deep in the fog still. So I am working on me. Just work on you while you are doing this. I go to IC one a week, and I have lost weight, exercising, keeping house clean. Getting ready to paint some rooms. You know you have to move forward. Plan B is to protect you, it will get better I promise it will. I am at the numb stage now. I hope you feel better.

NY

Thanks for the support.

Ethan: Thanks for the encouragement. I will give it my all. That way, however things work out, I will have confidence that I did all I could and handled the whole situation with grace. I am glad your optimistic personality has shielded you from the questions that plague me. Not only do I have to deal with the A but I also have to deal with my whole world-life view falling down around me as well...I lead a very sheltered life and now I realize that I was so naive about so many things. I mourn that loss of innocence...

O: What a lovely post. Your posts are always so eloquent and I feel better reading them. I am trying to do things for me like losing weight, exercising, cleaning the apartment, treating myself to movies, redecorating, etc. I feel I am moving forward. But it is the uncertainty of the future that I struggle with. I am a planner by nature - things that are not in my plan really throw me for a loop. Want to know what I am doing tomorrow? I can give you and hour by hour breakdown. Next week? Next month? Next year? I have always had my life plan and everything always went according to plan (up to this point). You can see how I am struggling against my very nature to hang in there.

Melody: Jennifer is a great resource. I always feel I am on the right track after speaking with her. I have another appointment tomorrow evening. She gave me suggestions on the PBL but left the specifics up to me. I used some of the samples from this site to help me.

Hopeful: I have followed your story for quite a while and found that after reading your Plan B thread, we are experiencing alot of the same questions and feelings. Thanks for your perspective.

I have to send WH an email regarding some bills and financial stuff. I crafted an email which is completely business-like but I hesitate in sending it. I need the financial issues addressed but I feel like we are in a staring contest. I sent him the PBL and not a word from him and not a word from me (a stellar Plan B). I don't want to be the first one to "blink".