He came over tonight, and I had a great meal prepared for him - bacon wrapped filets, lobster tails, and stuffed mushrooms. During dinner, he says, "you don't have to cook these fancy dinners for me". I told him that I knew that. He told me that although they were good, they made him feel guilty. So why would he feel guilty if he had intentions of coming home? I told him that I didn't do it to make him feel guilty. He said that he knew why I did it, but it still makes him feel guilty.

So then after he got the kids in bed, he asked me what was up for Easter. I told him that we had the same plans this year as every other - going to his mom's house. He was quiet and mentioned that he had a dilemma. When I asked him what it was, he told me that I didn't want to know - I told him to "try me". He said that OW had asked him to have dinner with her and her parents. As he's telling me this, I'm thinking - what's the dilemma??? Dinner with your dirty skank or with your kids??? ...But I didn't say this. I simply asked, "you're meeting her parents? Out of curiosity, what do you guys tell people?" He told me that her parents knew about their situation, and although they weren't pleased, they were understanding - unlike his family.

After some discussion about his family (some of them aren't speaking to him), I tried to hug him as a show of support. He partially put one arm around me - and all I could think was how hard he was trying NOT to care. How could you NOT hug someone who was hugging you - especially if that someone was your WIFE??!!

As he was leaving, he mentioned how he hated holidays. I told him that it was only going to get harder. After a moment, he thanked me for dinner and let me know when he'd be by the rest of the week. I did not feel good about this visit, especially on the heels of the two other good visits.

He did make one mention (finally!) of coming home - he hasn't done that since he left in January. And that mention was only in conjunction with his grandparents. He said that even IF he did come back, he still wouldn't talk to them because of the way they've treated him.

Help. How do I handle this? I am still in plan A, and have no intentions of going to B anytime in the near future........

Thanks

How long have been in Plan A and how long do you plan on being in Plan A before you move to Plan B? Is he still seeing the OW?

Well! Let the Silent Dr. Do the Remedy. TIME! TIME! You have a lot in your favor you are the MRS. and you will be as long a you have patience.

I didn't do so good when I was in your shoes. I'm a little ahead and still their day that I don't get hugged back. I ignore it.

You are Christian! Keep praying. He Listens!! He hasn't let me down.

Don't do the fancy meals again! If you have given boiled eggs. What perfum did you use to use when you started if you didn't make sure you start wearing plenty of PERFUME!!!!

Perfume is an aphrodisiac!!! USE IT!!!

I got to hand it to you, you are doing great! I have great fall outs!

Remember you have to be sure of yourself to be attractive and keep a nice posture in his presence. When my H was gone from home I did all the nice dinner wore awesome clothe, and now he asks did you buy that new now. I say yes. He was in such a fog I could've gone out naked he wouldn't have notice. But the Perfume did he notice that. He started saying You always smell so good. and little by little he started noticing things here and there. My husban came back because my Grandpa who lived w/me passed away and he thought it was the proper thing to do. Hasn't left.

Good Luck

I have been in Plan A since I found MB in December. I have many reservations about moving to Plan B - which have been discussed many times on this forum <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I don't know how long I can continue Plan A, but as long as I can - I will. I am in counselling with SH, and he is in agreement with me.

He is living with OW, and has been since he moved out in January.

I feel as though I'm chipping away at him for several reasons:
1. He looks awfully wistful when he watches me and the kids
2. He isn't sleeping
3. He isn't nearly as defensive as he was a month or two ago (perhaps he's just tired, I don't know)
4. He is more talkative with me now than he's been in weeks

I know that theoretically, I should be in Plan B - but it's not going to happen. My love for him is still there in spades, and I am able to control my LB (for the most part). And I feel that my Plan A is the reason for his recent 'waffling'.

Thanks for your reply, MelodyLane - you always have such insightful advice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks!

You know, going to OW's family on Easter might be to your advantage. Just imagine how WEIRD - and guilt inducing - to be in such a sordid situation on EASTER? How strange it will be to sit there and try to pretend to be normal on his first holiday away from his kids. Ouch!

<small>[ April 04, 2004, 10:44 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How strange it will be to sit there and try to pretend to be normal on his first holiday away from his kids. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sure he has no intention of not being with the kids on Easter. I think he just plans on bailing at the first available opportunity (I can work with his mom on stalling dinner <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You know, going to OW's family on Easter might be to your advantage. Just imagine how WEIRD - and guilt inducing - to be in such a sordid situation on EASTER? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">On some level, I think that maybe he was looking for a way to get out of his plans with OW. He hates, and I mean HATES large get togethers - especially ones where he might be the center of attention. And it's GOT to be awkward for him. This is just SOOOOOO not him. Her, on the other hand - right up her alley. She's getting D'ed from her 3rd husband as we speak...

So sorry about the bad visit. If it helps you are not alone.

Wed nignt after the WH spent time with the kids I got 2 hugs both initiated by him. Sat I got a one armed hug and today when he brought my S home nothing. Dealing with my own and WH's emotions is a draining task.

Is it uncomfortable at all at your WH's mom's house? I just skipped a birthday get together at my WH"s dad's house. His sisters are supportive of me and his dad is married to his OW. I have no problem seeing talking to any of them, but I was not going to sit around and pretend everything is ok. Their strategy is to ignore things and maybe they will go away. Maybe I should have gone.
Jenn

Jenn -

I have a great relationship with my IL's - they are very supportive of me right now, even more so than my own family. I do realize, however, that blood is thicker than water, and if things come to a head where their loyalties will lie. Tough to swallow, but I do understand it.

In doing my Plan A, I've HAD to ignore the 800 lb. gorilla sitting in the middle of the room. Along with that comes the emmy award winning acting that everything is okay. We joke and laugh - and really never mention the R or OW. It is only on rare occasions. And afterword, I always feel like I did last night - lousy. It's not like we had a knock down drag out fight or anything, it was just a somber evening.

Maybe he went home last night and she LB'd big time about his Easter plans. Boy, that would piss him off. I know in his heart he really doesn't want to go to this family thing - he just doesn't like them.

I guess I'll just keep my fingers crossed that her winning personality is shining through... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> After all, it's that same personality that has helped her seal the deal on three failed marriages............

Time is on your side. Just be sure that you don't LB and have a warm home for him to come to. Everything else will take care of itself. Stay out of the way.

You always have such wise words, Believer. Deep in my heart, I know what you say is true. It is something I try to keep at the forefront of my mind each and every encounter I have with him. Thanks for the gentle reminder.

He is very sick today. Just about as sick as he was back in November when all this happened. He has the worst case of strep throat I've ever seen. How he fails to see the correlation between his weakened immune system and his current lifestyle is beyond me. He called me early this morning under the guise of needing the doctor's phone number (hello! It is on your insurance card!!!), and he sounds absolutely pitiful. Let's see how long the skank can hang around him when he's this sick and miserable. I've told him that if he needs anything at all, I'm only just around the corner.....

I thought I'd dissect the events that have taken place in my WH's life since he met the OW:

1. Convinced himself that he's been miserable for years because of our marriage
2. Broke our marriage vows
3. Put his children way down on the priority list in the beginning of the A
4. Got fired for A (he was her boss)
5. Left family
6. Lived in hotel for 2 weeks
7. Racked up quite a bit of credit card debt, I'm sure
8. Damaged professional reputation so badly because of A, had to take a job 50 miles away
9. Grandparents (whom he dearly loves and respects) will not speak to him
10. Has lost countless hours of sleep because of his situation, weakening his immune system and making him not on his "A game" at work
11. Has nagging case of nasty strep throat the keeps recurring - presumably because of his condition
12. Continually hurts the one person in this life who loves him more than life itself

Of course, he can't see any of this.

WHB, this is so familiar, it makes me sick! You KNOW my H always said the exact things as yours is. My H is home now and he STILL wont touch me. He TRIES...He tries really hard, but it is usually just a little pat here and there.

OK, your situation sounds so close to mine right before my H came home. Not sleeping cuz he is entertaining OW. Remember OW does not have the benefit of MB like we do. You are doing awesome with Plan A...I dont think you shoul dmove on to Plan B yet. He is still coming to the house isn't he? That is a good sign IMO. Put it in the hands of God, he does wonders!

Hi Mom -

I've been keeping up with your posts, and am happy that you (and the rest of us!) have this forum to come to when we're feeling so low. You have gotten some great advice that I'm sure has helped you through the hard times. Every time you want to LB, just think of what MelodyLane, Believer, or ARK would say - and you're golden. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is still coming to the house isn't he? That is a good sign IMO. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, he is still coming to the house, but only to see the kids. He can really only see them at night (usually just for dinner and bath/bed), except on Sundays - when he's usually here all day. I can't imagine that OW is pleased that he spends ALL DAY with us - even though it's supposedly spent with the kids. I would think it's got to rub her the wrong way on some level. Since she works a M-F job, and WH is a finance mgr at a car dealership, their working hours do not mesh. (that was always a fringe benefit to being a SAHM - his day off was my day off!) He has to work every Saturday, and now, most Sundays. After years and years of this, I'm used to it - she, however, can't be.

I should just listen to Believer and sit back and watch the show. It's so hard, though. As I'm sure you know. I wish I could take some good feelings away with me that since my WH is acting in ways that your FWH did right before he came home, maybe he's on the right track. But he's got to at least get through their cruise in May. TALK ABOUT GAGGING ME WITH A SPOON! I'll just hope and pray that all he does on that cruise is have fond memories of he and I...that disrupt his mini-vacation with her.

Kids are in bed, and I'm having some wine - so I'll be around a while for anyone wishing to respond with their $.02..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I should just listen to Believer and sit back and watch the show. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know about you WHB but I'm really starting to not like drama's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . You know what a drink sounds good time for some Scotch and water.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Not sleeping cuz he is entertaining OW. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTW, I think his lack of sleep is because he's having trouble with his conscience. I don't think he'd mention it to me otherwise. With everything between us, his work pressures, and trying to see the kids, it's just catching up to him. I even gave him some Unisom. He said he still had trouble getting to sleep, and then when he did - he'd wake up.

Sounds like a guilty conscience to me...... JMHO.

Tinman! Join the party!!!

We should have some interesting posts in a couple of hours...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OK, WHB, I am going to let you in on a little secret here that I found out only after my H ended his A with OW. He was practically living with OW too. he would also come by the house for dinner, baths and bedtime...all day on weekends at the beginning of the A. After the A was exposed he spent the first weeeknd at home then stopped coming by. We had a few rocky weeks there. Each time he was at the house, I would hold him to no end. I would just sit on the couch and hold him. I would make everything as comfortable as possible.

He said he didnt' tell OW he was home, but I am sure she knew, cuz he was always so tense after leaving here. hmmm, wonder why? One day I called him on the phone...it was spring break and I dont dare go to the grocery store alone with three ADHD kids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> We were supposed to spend the week together as a family, but that changed. Anyway, I called him and he was in HER car. I just went about our conversaiton...I asked him if he could stop by and pick me up a printer cartridge and some milk..he asked if I needed anything else. he was very pleasant as he was writing all this stuff down. I said I love you and he said nothing. I said you cant even say it, huh? He said "me too"...

I later found out that she was absolutely LIVID at that conversation cuz here WH was being H. She did not like that one bit. He was doing things for ME like being a H instead of being her Man. She hated that. Also, he said anytime I called him she would turn the other way and act like I wasn't even on the phone.

My point is...keep calling him. Call him at night, call him in the morning to say "good morning honey...hope you ahve great day"...call him before bedtime to say "good night"

Eventually OW will get fed up...he will start seeing the true light. The more you are nice, the more she LB's. It works, believe me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Each time he was at the house, I would hold him to no end. I would just sit on the couch and hold him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh geez. If I was allowed to do that, I might be a happier person. He told me that he's uncomfortable when I touch him - let alone HOLD him, evidenced by the hugging incident last night. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One day I called him on the phone...it was spring break and I dont dare go to the grocery store alone with three ADHD kids We were supposed to spend the week together as a family, but that changed. Anyway, I called him and he was in HER car. I just went about our conversaiton...I asked him if he could stop by and pick me up a printer cartridge and some milk..he asked if I needed anything else. he was very pleasant as he was writing all this stuff down. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have only been on the phone with him one time in her presence. I had to talk to him about our son, and I could hear that he eventually went outside to complete the conversation. As a matter of fact, I think he just lets his cell ring, then goes somewhere and calls me back. Ick. For some reason, I just can't stomach it. And his voice is different, colder.

He hasn't told me that he loves me since the first day he came back in December. I have told him, but I get no response. THAT's a hard pill to swallow. I haven't gotten the "I don't know if I ever loved you" speech that I hear about so many times on this board, but I did get the "I don't think I ever loved you like I love her" speech. Yuck, yuck, and more yuck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I haven't gotten the "I don't know if I ever loved you" speech that I hear about so many times on this board, but I did get the "I don't think I ever loved you like I love her" speech. Yuck, yuck, and more yuck. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah on drink number 2 and this is still my favorite speech. The old "I love you but I'm not in love with you." This never really made much sense to me I mean the selfishness to say something like this to rationalize the A and all the other stupid sayings it's such a big list. Then the WS just calls you to try and make you angry so they can rationalize it even more. I know what I'm going to do from now on and this will be my saying when my W tries to get me. "Sorry you feel that way W but I have plans and have to go now hope you have a nice day."

Oh, Tinman - you are in a bad place, today, aren't you? Of course, maybe it helps that I'm on drink #4 (you've got some catching up to do!).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Then the WS just calls you to try and make you angry so they can rationalize it even more. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, in the throes of his withdrawal when he was home in December, he "confessed" to me that he'd had a couple of ONS in grad school (when we were geographically separated). I truly think that was his way of trying to get me to hate him. And you would all be so proud - I didn't LB at all, just asked him some details. Details he couldn't really provide, mind you.

You, and only you, know your relationship. But I am here to tell you that you have to remain strong!