A for my H was just over 3 weeks ago and he commited from the day I discovered it to work on our marraige. Not to mention I am 5 months pregnant with our first. For three weeks I thought we were making some progress but get the feeling I am doing all of the work. Our marriage just went in the ditch 6 months ago after a miscarriage. He states that he has a priority to his family. We are both in counseling. After a talk I feel like I am back at day one as he states it is hard because he hasn't wanted to be with me for a long time. (6 months). I think he is very much in the fog. We have done a NC agreement but he still has to see her at work for 4 more weeks when she will go to another department. My counselor states that we should stay together only as long as he meets my needs. Obviously that is not happening when I don't feel he wants to be with me just out of obligation to his soon to be family. I want to separate so he can see what it is like to be without me. I would have already done it had I not been pregnant. I worry about the health of my baby during the separation. Please help me with this one!

durham, apparently I can GIVE the advice, but not take it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

your situation is exactly like ours. Only we have 3 children. My H ended his affair about 2 weeks ago. I thought the same thing, things were going well. He has been so detached from me too. Says he just doesn't have the feelings towards me, etc, etc...We tried to be intimate Friday night and it failed. he could not keep it up. What an ego booster, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

My H wrote a NC letter, but still sees his OW at work once a week. If you have kept up with my story, you know why. Last night we had a long talk. I LB"D him bad this weekend. I try to touch him and be close to him, but I feel I am the one doing all the work as well. I am emotianlly drained. I gave up this weekend.

He continued to tell me he has no desire to touch me, that I am just his friend. How can he touch his friend.

As OT's tell me, hang in htere. Sounds as though your H will come around, but NC has to be established FIRST> Expect to go back to DAY 1 of recovery once she moves on to another dept. Your H will not giv eyour M a fighting chance if she is still there. Read up on our story. It is very similar to yours!

durham, I would only seperate as a last resort. Separation is a dangerous move that greatly increases your chances of divorce. I think you have great hope here and shouldn't take that risk unless you HAVE TO. And I don't think you have to, there is so much more that can be done before you ever reach that phase.

First off, as long as there is contact, the affair is still in operation. Until contact ends, he will not withdraw and your marriage will not recover. It is like an addiction and an addict cannot withdraw if there is any contact with the OW.

Will he still see the OW at work even tho she works in another department? As I see it, this is a crucial issue that must be addressed before you can even go forward.

She will be leaving the department and moving to another building. He will not see her after that. April 30 she leaves. He has stated it is hard to see her everyday. He has stated he is marking off the days until she leaves.

Hi durham76,

Welcome to MB.

First off,even though this OW will be leaving the department your WH is in,there are still other ways to be in contact and for him it could include the water bubbler or even the cafeteria or some other place within the walls of the office building.So,my point is don't be lulled into a false sense of security with that situation.

Ok.Do you know how long the A has been going on? You said that your WH hasn't "wanted" to be with you for 6 months.Perhaps he was knee deep in his A all this time? If you only just found out about the A 3 weeks ago,read up on Plan A and the other concepts here at the top.

Three weeks is really a drop in the bucket,if at all,to think that any progress can be made in that short a time period.Counseling too(MC) is a waste of time and money if he is still in contact with the OW so think about that.You could see counselors separately but a joint session will not help at this time.Also there isn't any real NC if WH still sees this person at work.

Please get as much support as you can at this time.Separation is not an issue yet.It is too soon.You now have to think about blowing the A wide open and that means telling everyone in both families,at WH's job and if the OW is married telling her H.Like a vampire,exposure to the light of day on all fronts is going to cause some extreme reaction but it is necessary.It will help put pressure on the A partners to end this fantasy they are in.

If you have not already,get the books: 'Surviving an Affair'(SAA) and 'His Needs,Her Needs'(HNHN) by Dr.Harley.Do lots more reading here and keep posting.MB is designed to help you get through this A ordeal and we will help support you too and give you feedback.Also,get yourself a profile.

Hang in there.

O

Let me clarify a little. He has commited to NC with other woman. I believe for now that he is not seeing her. He states they only talk for business and he set those guidelines with her. He states that it is hard to see her everyday meaning at work. The A was 6 weeks long and they had just had sex the week before when I discovered the A. I ask him if he thinks the feelings will go away and he says yes. He also states that he never had anything with her that he didn't once have with me. The problem is the feelings he has for her. It is so hard to try to move forward at all even a little. I hate being with someone that doesn't want to be with me. It is like living a lie. I don't want to put a time frame on this but I can't help but want this somewhat in the right direction by the time this baby comes. August However unrealistic that is.

durham, it will get better once contact does truly end, but calling contact "business" is still contact and prevents him from withdrawing from her. A recovering alcoholic can call his drinks "social drinks" but they are still drinks and still prevent him from recovering.

Every time he sees her, he is put back to Day 1 in his withdrawal. Recovery is impossible until contact ends. It makes no difference if they call it "business" contact or whatever. Usually there is always much more these contacts than they admit, not that it matters.

Is he willing to send her a no contact letter?

<small>[ April 05, 2004, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

We have already done the NC letter. The NC stated no talk unless it was related to work. She is also married and has a son. He stated she needed to also figure out her life. So what you are saying is that even with only business contact until she leaves it will be day 1????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong> We have already done the NC letter. The NC stated no talk unless it was related to work. She is also married and has a son. He stated she needed to also figure out her life. So what you are saying is that even with only business contact until she leaves it will be day 1???? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly. Has her husband been notified of the affair? That is also an essential step in making sure this affair has ended.

Great questions. I have not notified husband as they all work in the same place and I don't want my H to loose his job. I am considering telling him after she leaves the department. I worry that her H will kick her out and that will send the OW running even more to my H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong> Great questions. I have not notified husband as they all work in the same place and I don't want my H to loose his job. I am considering telling him after she leaves the department. I worry that her H will kick her out and that will send the OW running even more to my H. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Durham, it usually has the opposite effect. The affair has a much greater chance of dying out if both spouses know about it. He really does need to know, though, so he can protect himself.

Durham,
Yikes you are in a pickle. But I would echo Melody seperation should only be a last resort.

Both of you need help in getting over the loss of your baby. His A may have been a reaction to that...who knows. He doesn't. He thinks he does but he really doesn't. Grief counseling is what I would recomend.
My W also wanted to make sure that I wasn't staying out of obligation. You state he is in a "fog" and when anyone is there they really don't know what they feel. He remembers he loved you, and in fact he still does, but he doesn't know where the feeling went. The feelings he has are so strong for the OW he cannot really put 2 and 2 together. He first has to acknowlege how much he cares/cared foe her and then he can grieve her loss. I feel he will not be able to move forward until that happens even when he makes the big commitment to rebuild the M. He will not be able to sustain it because OW is still apart of his life. Too bad she is so close I know recovery would have been so very difficult for me if I saw OW, even from a distance,or knew I couls just by walking accross the street to her building. He is addicted to the feeling not to her.
H

Thank you for all of the insight. I think exposing the A at this time is going to just cause more problems for me when I am barely holding on. My MC told me that I can't worry about her side of it. I don't have any control over that. I don't know if I can wait 4 weeks for her to leave and then we can start working on our M. That seems like forever. I guess I am really struggling with the shock that he doesn't love me and want to be with me. Our M was really good, he agreed, until this miscarriage 6 months ago. It seems like this happened so fast. He states that he hasn't wanted to be with me for a long time (6 months). To him that is a long time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong> He states that he hasn't wanted to be with me for a long time (6 months). To him that is a long time. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">durham, they ALL say things like this in order to rationalize their affair. They rewrite history. They also say "I love you but I am not in love with you." blah, blah, blah. This is a CLASSIC trait in all wayward spouse, so don't pay it any mind. When they get out from under the fog, the story changes. You would have known a long time ago if he didn't want to be with you.

I would implore you to reconsider telling the OW's spouse. It would not only help your situation, but it would be the moral thing to do. This man is being destroyed behind his back and he has every right to know it.

I just think that if I tell the OW H that will hurt my chance of recovery with my H. She may get kicked out and then she will be separated and can see my husband even more than now. What benefit will my situation have by telling??? Believe me I want her to suffer just like me.

durham,

Try to look at it in another way.Once you expose the A to the OW husband,HE can be your allie and put pressure on her to stop the A and maybe require that they work on THEIR marriage or any number of scenarios that may benefit you.Maybe she doesn't really want to leave HER marriage either.Exposing the A is in the best interest of all involved even the A partners.They cannot go on indefinitely inf fantasy land.

Sometimes if the A partners actually move in with each other,this can be the fastest way for them to see that it is not so wonderful when reality hits and they have to pay bills,make time to see one another,get to see each other and all their bad habits and character flaws etc.CLOSE UP.So don't worry about that.

What WILL hurt your chance of recovery is if they never get the heat turned up on them.If everyone just let's them be.Your WH may even say something that a lot of us have heard like: "If you tell OW husband we are through!" They huff and bluff their way through so ignore that threat too if it happens.Believe us,it is the right thing to do on so many levels.I know it may be difficult but it is necessary.

O