Hi Ceez, you did very good. Welcome to the world of SELF RESPECT. It feels good to be back in control of your life, doesn't it?

The letter is absolutely imperative at this point. I would write it today and drive over and stick in her brother's mailbox. It will be her PATH BACK to you and she will probably read it over and over again.

Even more important than the letter is the resolve to STICK TO IT. Because if you waver, she will have won and knows she can carry on her affair without consequences forever.

Now, the next thing that will happen is that she will try everything to get you to back down from Plan B. She will tell you that she wants to come home and "try" to end contact with the OM. No, she must END, not "try" to end the affair. She must also be completely honest with you about what she has been doind.

You CANNOT back down from your conditions, Ceez, or you will be living in HELL for years. Trust me on this. In order for her to come home it is IMPERATIVE that she PROVE she has ended all contact and makes a demonstration that she is ready to commit to the marriage, such as counseling, etc.

Otherwise, you will have shot your credibility and will be living in hell for years. They often try EVERYTHING to get back in a position where they are having their cake, and eating it, too, AT YOUR EXPENSE. So please don't fall for it.

Did you read the thread I posted about Plan B with some sample letters? I would start working on that now and post the letter so we can help you with it.

You did great and I hope you are feeling ok. This is a POSITIVE step in the right direction, Ceez.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ceez71:
<strong> I also told her that I wanted no contact with her except for discussing the kids, home & finances. She then asked if we could still have our friendship & I said "no" not until the OP was completely out of the picture. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would try and wrap up as much as you can in this letter so that you have NO CONTACT with her AT ALL, Ceez. This is really dangerous to leave holes like this. A way to avoid contact is to designate a go-between [her brother?] and have the older kids make arrangements for their own visitations. If you can, make your financial arrangements and visitations to the best of your ability in the letter.

In order for her to miss all the benefits of family, you need to cut off all contact and stop taking care of her. It will help bring her to her senses sooner if she is left to her own devices to take complete care of herself. If you are handling finances and/or taking care of business, she will never get it. So, cut her off as much as possible.

She needs to MISS the benefits of a doting husband and the safety of a family in order to wake up. Please give her that, Ceez!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ceez71:
<strong> She offered to come home today to go grocery shopping & cook dinner (something she hasn't done in months!!), so that was another good sign. But we'll see. I don't want to get my hopes up....any thoughts? Did I do the right thing? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ceez, that will not work if you are in Plan B. This is her attempt to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to keep you on the string.

That will hurt your recovery if she is allowed to come back and play mommy and get all the benefits of family BEFORE she has ended the affair. I would tell her thanks, but no thanks and get that letter to her ASAP.

Let her do some work to get back in and earn her family again. First step being to END contact with OM, send a no contact letter to him and demonstrate a committment to the marriage. Believe me, she is not at that point now, she is just trying to have her cake and eat it too.

Thanks Melody.

This is going to be tough bec she has already contacted me this morning. You see, we work for the same firm & are use to e-mailing each other several times during the day. She was running late & her co-worker contacted me to find out where she was. She finally arrived & e-mailed me to tell me she was here & ask how I was doing. I answered coldly & directly that I was fine....how do I handle this in the future? The problem with her coming home today is that she made it a date with our 9 yr old. She asked me to come along also, but I declined. I had planned on allowing her to grocery shop & cook with Joshua. In the meantime I would be off doing my own thing (working out etc). I planned to return as she was leaving....what do you think?

Thanks Melody.

This is going to be tough bec she has already contacted me this morning. You see, we work for the same firm & are use to e-mailing each other several times during the day. She was running late & her co-worker contacted me to find out where she was. She finally arrived & e-mailed me to tell me she was here & ask how I was doing. I answered coldly & directly that I was fine....how do I handle this in the future? The problem with her coming home today is that she made it a date with our 9 yr old. She asked me to come along also, but I declined. I had planned on allowing her to grocery shop & cook with Joshua. In the meantime I would be off doing my own thing (working out etc). I planned to return as she was leaving....what do you think? I don't want to hurt the 9 yr old, he's already looking forward to it.

Ceez,

Melody is giving you the straight skinny on this. Don't let your W wiggle her way back in. Any business email should be handled with a cold efficiency. She should only get the kids when it is agreed to do this. Don't let her start buying groceries now, after NOT doing it for months. Tell her that you have been doing it and since she is gone, there is no need for her to do it now.

The plan B letter is imperative right now. It is a love letter that tells her to go away until OM is gone and she can prove it. She will try everything to have contact with you for awhile, then she will get "mad" and yell and tell you she is NEVER coming back, and THEN...she will begin to address what she is trying to avoid her relationship with OM. Is it worth losing you and her family over? Is this guy really worth it at all. Then she will have to address the fact that what she has done is very wrong and very hurtful. She won't want to address these issues, but unless she does, you will never have a W. She may decide to avoid it all together and then you marriage will be over.

But Ceez, it is her call. Force her to face OM, and her decisions, by NOT letting her have her cake and eat it as well. She will try tears, she will try anger, she will try the cold shoulder, she will try guilt, she will try everything to avoid doing the hard work. You just stay put, strong, silent, waiting. She will eventually see. You best bet is to be a great father to your children while you wait.

So get the letter ready and send it. The it is Ceez the strong, silent, patient one for you my man. You have far more power than you realize. I know the A makes you feel like a loser, but that is what she wants. You have the power Ceez use it, she will see you in a new light.

God Bless,

JL

Melody, JL

Melody, JL

Okay that makes a lot of sense. How do I, in loving manner explain that she cannot come into our home? Is she allowed to come in?

Ceez, no. You tell her in the letter that all visitation needs to take place at her brothers house from now on. That there is to be no contact unless it is an emergency. Is there an intermediary you can use for contact?

Just remember, you are aiming for a chance to recover your marriage and that won't happen unless she ends it with the OM. THAT IS THE GOAL HERE, not half baked measures designed to throw you off track like going grocery shopping. Please don't settle for anything less. She might play nice for a few days to get you off her back, but then she will just be back to her old tricks next week. You don't want to waste time with that, do you?

Please send that letter now, Ceez. It is important for your credibility to follow up your statements yesterday with a Plan B letter. That will let her know you are serious and won't settle for anything less than a complete end to her destructive behavior. You have tolerated enough abuse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ceez71:
[QB] Thanks Melody.

This is going to be tough bec she has already contacted me this morning. I answered coldly & directly that I was fine....how do I handle this in the future?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell her in your Plan B letter that she is not to contact you unless it is an emergency. In other matters she can contact your go-between. If she defies your no contact and contacts you anyway, I would ask her if it is an emergency and if not, end the contact right then and politely refer her to your Plan B letter. She will test this, so you have to hold your ground.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The problem with her coming home today is that she made it a date with our 9 yr old. She asked me to come along also, but I declined. I had planned on allowing her to grocery shop & cook with Joshua. In the meantime I would be off doing my own thing (working out etc). I planned to return as she was leaving....what do you think?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would ask her to pick up the children and take them to her new house. It is really important that she be given a chance to miss her home and family. She won't have a motivation to change her behavior unless she is given that opportunity. She can't miss that if you are letting her come home and play mommy for a day.

Don't accommodate her, ceez. If she wants to be a mommy, then she can BE a mommy instead of popping in occasionally and being a pretend mommy to assuage her guilt. Don't help her assuage her guilt in this play acting! The message is that she cannot join the family until she changes her behavior.

<small>[ April 06, 2004, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Melody, here is a copy of my Plan B letter...please edit it for me...thanks

"It is with great sorrow and love that I write you this letter. I am writing to you not only to preserve my love for you, but also to preserve my dignity.

I am deeply, deeply saddened by the turn and state of our marriage. I know that I am not a perfect husband and that I have made many mistakes in our marriage. I know that I have not always met your most important needs. I know that over the years I have done and said many hurtful things. I know that I am partly responsible for creating an environment in our marriage that led to your affair. For those mistakes I am truly sorry, and am willing to change in order to reconcile and better our marriage. I have suffered greatly because of your relationship with "OP" and can no longer live this way. We are living like strangers. So unlike how our marriage has been for the past 10 years. I cannot have a marriage or a friendship with you until you end your relationship with "OP" for good and forever. It hurts too much and I love you too much.

Although I am not crazy about the idea, I have agreed to allow you to move out. I feel I have done my best to tell you and show you how much I love you and forgive you. I understand that you need your space and therefore I am giving it to you. I realize this will benefit both of us. But because of the immense pain your relationship with "OP" is causing me, I am asking not to see you or talk to you except when it is an emergency. For matters of the children & finances, please have Alex pass me your messages. I hope you understand and can respect my request. This is very difficult for me because you have been my best friend for 14 years.

My desire and prayer is that we will reconcile and that we will move on with our marriage, continuing to love each other and make each other happy until old age. I love you so much "wife." I have forgiven you and with time I will forget. As soon as you are willing to separate completely from "OP", my arms and doors are wide open to discuss our future.

I will continue praying for you, me and our family. God bless you.


Your husband
Cesar"

Is that okay?

Ceez, I cut back on some of the "I love you's" because I think too much can work against you when speaking to an emotionally detached spouse. I added a line about your possible future and edited for clarity. I think your letter was very good, I just whittled a bit. What do you think?

And I am sorry it took me so long to reply! I missed this thread this AM! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Melody

Dear Wife

It is with great sorrow and love that I write you this letter. I am deeply, deeply saddened by the turn and state of our marriage. I know that I have made many mistakes in our marriage.

I have not always met your most important needs and am partly responsible for creating an environment in our marriage that led to your affair. For those mistakes I am truly sorry.

I have suffered greatly because of your relationship with "OP" and feel my love for you dwindling. In order to protect my feelings for you, I must end all contact for now. I cannot associate with you until all contact with OP has been ended. When contact has ended, we can discuss the possibility of reconciliation.

I feel as you do, that I need my space and agree that you should move out. I realize now this will benefit both of us.

I am asking not to see you or talk to you except when it is an emergency. For matters of the children & finances, please have Alex pass me your messages. I hope you understand and can respect my request. I would appreciate it if you would respect my request and not contact me.


As soon as you are willing to separate completely from "OP", I am wide open to discuss our future. I believe that we can have an even better marriage than before, and that I can make you happy, however, there is no hope of that happening until your affair has ended.

I will continue praying for you, me and our family. God bless you.


Your loving husband,
Cesar"