If you read my "House of Gloom" post H saw his psychiatrist today. He called me after the appt. sobbing on the phone. I told him to come home. I held him and he cried. He told me Psyc. is the 1st person who has shown him compassion about what he is going through. Doctor told him H didn't plan for this to happen and he is in deep grief. Upped his dose of Wellbutrin. Told him he needed IC. When H described his current counselor doctor told him C is way to judgemental and he recommended someone else more openminded. Up until this point I was crying too. Then I said , "I just hope whoever you go to is for our marriage. I don't want our MC and your IC working against each other." He was worried I'd say that. I then said, "If your plan is trying to figure out if you should be with me or OW forget it. I'm committed to recovering our M. If you're trying to get IC to help you decide tell me now and put me out of my misery." I told him I am trying to preserve our family and he can't even say that.

I don't think I can take any more of this. I left him and went upstairs to take a shower. Ok, I know he is in withdrawal, but I am a person. A person with feelings! I'm doing the "F"ing work and he can't even commit to our M. I don't care if he doesn't feel the friggin feelings. How selfish can you be? Right now I just want to let him go.

Except for you Mbers and a few friends I've kept this to myself. I have not told my family because I didn't want their judgements on us, and especially on him. He would have trouble dealing with their hurt and might just get out of our M to avoid them. But I have given up so much for him. Now he wants a therapist that isn't judgemental. Sure, someone who will help him find himself, feel good about himself, so he can pursue his new life. Maybe this person will be good, but that is my fear.

OK, am I overreacting? It's not like he is seeing ot talking to her right now. At least not that I know of. I'm just tired. I hate what this will do to my boys. And of course I'm not looking forward to being alone and knowing he's with her. But I feel like I'm in prison. Maybe he should be with her. CV

CV55, he NEEDS someone who can understand him. But he also needs someone who will not help him self destruct and will lead him out of this sick mess he is in. I would call up the Harleys and make an appointment. Steve HArley is PRO marriage and has long experience in dealing with infidelity. You can trust that he will work in both your interests and the best interest of your marriage.

Please quit messing around and just go to the pro. You will both be happy you did.

P.S. I wouldn't go to Plan B. The purpose of Plan B is to end the affair and his affair has already ended. I also wouldn't tell anyone else, there would be no gain from doing so.

CV, I agree with ML. Call SH. He is very experienced. Your H maybe in withdraw now. You ought to be the one who is strong. Put your feeling somewhere now, cry, scream and yell somewhere but in front of him. Be sympathatic to your H. I am sure he will feel your true love.

ML, I am just so sad and tired of all of this. I have suggested H talk to Harley several times. Truthfully I'm not sure he wants someone who is pro marriage. I think he wants someone who will make him feel good about himself.

He told me today, and several other times, that his IC and our MC doesn't make him feel good. He feels worse when he leaves therapy. I told him it's not necessarily suppose to make him feel good. The psychiatrist made him feel good today. He made him feel like not such a bad person. That's fine! But sometimes you have to face the crappy things you've done. I really think he wants an excuse to follow his bliss.

I am slo wondering something. Ow supposedly has not contacted him since she left working for him. I have asked him what they talked about on the phone. were they talking about being together? He says no. My question, you would think if she hasn't contacted him he'd get the message she is moving on. My gut tells me she's waiting for him, and has let hin know that.

Anyway, I just don't know how much more I can take. Call me a wimp! I can't spend my days talking to all of you because I am so upset by this. I'm not living my life. CV

CV, PLEASE call Steve HArley. He can help you deal with this appropriately and is a genius at getting stubborn WS's on the phone.

ML, I know I am in fight or flight mode right now. I have been strong throughout this ordeal. And given the length of time I think I haven't LBed all that much. But this waffling is really having an effect on me.

I have been so loving to my H. But his feelings for OW are so strong I am just wanting to throw in the towel. How do we know whether it is love or an addiction? I'm getting confused now.

All I know is that it is getting rough for me to be around him on a daily basis. How could I have gone through the hell I went through all of last year, and he can't even withstand 9 days of NC? Now I'm wondering if has kept to NC.

I think I will talk to SH. Maybe he can give me some clarity befor I do something I will be sorry for. Thanks!

CV call SH...he helped my H and I tremendously. He is not judgemental at all..he doesn't try to make the WS feel bad or good...he tries to get them to do the right things.

He considers himself more of a coach then a therapist.

I guarantee that if you get your H to just get on the phone with him...he'll want to stay on...SH has a way to get people to open up.

He gives the BS and WS a plan...something positive to do..to concentrate on...something with that if you do it...gives you a light at the end of the tunnel.

We actually ended up loving our homework and looked forward to our calls with him.

Plan B is to end the A or to when your LB is drained.

As painful as this may be at least your H is trying.

I posted on Mom's thread about getting out of town just the two of you...are you able to do that?

I realize everyone's different but we did it the day after dday and a couple of other times in early recovery...it helped alot.

I do believe going away the day after dday cut down on his withdrawal's. We spent time at a place we'd been in happier times and spent lots of time remincising about happier times. It worked to get him focused back on me and us. He missed her badly first day and then he started getting annoyed with her...within a couple of weeks he was totally out of fog. He too though OW was his soul mate...didn't take him long after he was out of the fantasy to realize she wasn't that I had been all along.

I really believe reconnect time is critical to recovery. That's one reason MB makes such a big deal about spending time together...one of big reasons marriages become ripe for an A is because of marital neglect.

Call the man or we will kick your [censored]! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Don't make us open up a can of whoop-[censored], CV. It won't be PRETTY!!

signed,

The Texas Tornado <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ft, with the new staff at his business he can't get a way for long. We are actually signed up to do a Retrouville weekend in 2 weeks, but I wonder if we should do it now.

The difference between my H and your H's A is I think my H was much more involved. He was so dependent on OW in how she ran his office. Than met a major need, and he felt very taken care of. Then he became atracted to her maybe a year before the A started. Then we had all the crisis occurring in our lives. After his dad died I was so preoccupied with my dad's terrible health, finishing my internship, taking care of my children. It doesn't take a brain sureon to see how susceptible H was to an A. OW was having problems in her M and she jumped right to my H. I'm not letting him off the hook, but the shrinks keep telling him his dad's death set him off.

The thing is if he doesn't want to see any of this, what can I do? If he won't say, "feelings or no feelings, I am going to work with you to rebuild our M", what do I do? He got in so deep with her maybe he can't get out. His time was a fraction of what he spent with her.

We actually are spending a lot of time together. Unfortunately he is so depressed it's not fun. He is in constant turmoil. He posted yesterday, but I don't think anyone's responded. Maybe you all can help him if he will open his mind. I think I will call SH. I need guidance. Thank You!

OK ML, you made me laugh which is a real feat for today. I just got back from IC and that also made me feel better. I told my therapist how H's fog has been seeping into my body and I'm wondering how everyone knows OW isn't the love of his life. I'm questioning that myself. She told me she is as sure as she can be that if H and OW get together he would be very miserable in time. There's something very comforting in that thought for me. Knowing H and oW will be miserable if he dumps me. She said she has had people in therapy that had great M's and their S's die and don't experience half the grief my H is going through. She strongly believes what our MC thinks, that OW met some needs that were arrested in his childhood. The bottom line is everyone can see this, but if he doesn't get it, he doesn't. She also said if he gives me up, who is so stable, he will have regrets. Also stated H and OW have the feel of a very needy relationship. Ow never gave H the space to figure himself out during the A. She sure is now. As I've said before, she's doing a perfect Plan B. Hope she doesn't know about this site. I know H didn't tell her.

I also realize I HAVE TO GET A LIFE! This A and H
have been consuming me. Shrink told me I have to take a break from it. She said one of my deficits is my strength. I had the major burden of my dad, and now I'm trying to carry H. I think that's why I wanted to dump him today. I need freedom!

I called him at work and he was much better. The compassion from the psychiatrist triggered all that crying which was good for him. He feels so bad about himself. I wonder how he'll feel if he leaves me and the boys? He thinks the extra dose of Wellbutrin might be kicking in. Also said he has felt like everyone is telling him how to feel and what he should do. I said where has he gotten that. He mentioned this site, but then said maybe it's more his perception of what some of you are saying, not the reality. Hopefully more drugs will clear the fog more.

My shrink said bottom line, H has to make his own choices, good or bad. I just need to figure out how to cope while he's doing that. I hope one day he realizes how lucky he is to have me, before it's too late.

Thanks for the [censored] kicking! Maybe I'll call SH tomorrow. CV

i didn't even read your post. But DO NOT go to Plan B...Are you nuts! Call Steve Harley! He is awesome! You know we are working with him.

Just wanted you all to know I actually followed your advice. I CALLED STEVE HARLEY! I feel like i've been saved.

Actually H came home from lunch. He thinks there is something wrong with him. I said there is something wrong with you. You are going through withdrawal. I told him when the A was revealed if effected me physically, and now he is being effected. I got him to try and make an appt. with SH, but he couldn't talk to him until Friday. We have MC tomorrow, H has IC Thursday, and he felt like it would be too much therapy. It might be. So I called and took the Fri. appt.

I need coaching! Being around H is a pain in the A%%. It's good he's coming home for support, but it just depresses me. I hope he starts talking to you all again. But I nticed his last post wasn't answered, so I don't know what gives. I am just glad I'm going to talk to SH. Thanks for the push! CV

Yeah..now we don't have to beat you up!!!

I don't think it's necessarily too much therapy. My H and I did MC, IC and counseled with SH at the same time. We were both very motivated to get past the agony stage and on to recovery that we bit the bullet and did it all at once...during that time we also read SAA, Torn Asunder, Infidelity and the book Emotional Intelligence that was recommended by our IC...she felt that my H hadn't developed his full capacity for Emotional Intelligence at that time. That book was very insightful...helped us in more ways then in the A...really impacted our insight into parenting.