I'm going through stages from one day to the next. Love, happy to be back together, pain, anger, hopelessness. I go back and forth and have different thoughts about where we are going and where I want to go. It changes often. I find myself wondering what I'm doing here and what it is I want to save <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I LOVE my husband. I love him TOO MUCH! They say never put all your eggs in one basket, well I have. I have wrapped everything up in being his wife. Last year I found out that he has never felt the same for me. Is there ANY pain that can compare to that? I doubt it!

I'm trying not to LB but the last 24 hours have been really hard. Nothing happened to cause it, nothing but thoughts and realizing how things really are.

He hurt me deeply! But I have to suck it all up and ball it up in the pit of my stomach so that I don't LB and send him running to the next fat immoral bar hag or back to the last one.

How I FEEL about him has remained the same, I love him and always will. How I THINK of him has changed dramatically!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by toomanylies:
<strong>


He hurt me deeply! But I have to suck it all up and ball it up in the pit of my stomach so that I don't LB and send him running to the next fat immoral bar hag or back to the last one.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">huh? Where does it say you have to "suck it up?" That is not a Marriage Builders principle. It is not a love buster to sit down and tell him your feelings. It IS a lovebuster to go and say: "hey scumbag........."

Its all in the presentation. You still confront them with your feelings, you just don't do it in destructive ways that push him away. Also, if lovebusting will send him onto the next immoral bar hag, he was already headed that way anyway.

toomanylies! I know you ahve been following my story...I am feeling the same way as you are...I think a few of us here are in the same boat right now...One day you LOVE him more than anything, the next you hate him and want him to leave. I was there yesterday. I gave up yesterday. Today I have come back to my senses. If you go to my thread you will see a post by Awed. Awesome post. Read it..it is great.

My husband is still so withdrawn from me, I have a LOT of work to do ahead of me...But I will do my best and if it doesnt work out, so be it. I tried. Just remember come here to LB, not to him...

I think we are all in the same boat here. I wish the stages would slow down a bit, though. I'm having a hard time keeping up with what I'm feeling.

dewt

Here is something that starfish wrote about Plan A that I thought was very valuable:

Plan A as Harley meant it to be...

Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)
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Plan A is not about being a nice guy. Plan A is about ending the affair.... being a nice guy is part of that, but only part. That's why confronting and exposing are crucial elements of Plan A... and if you're not doing those things then you can't really say that you're doing Plan A.

<small>[ April 05, 2004, 07:35 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

ML <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> your post made me chuckle "hey scumbag" LOL. I don't do that, but I do have a hard time being totally rational once the talks start. My problem is that I feel like he isn't listening, he isn't getting what I'm trying to say. He isn't HONEST! I can talk til I'm blue in the face and he's never going to get it!

Last night I had to get up out of bed because my mind was reeling with it all. What he did has taken so much from me. For the first time in my life I feel undesirable. There were times I felt like he'd rather be with someone else but I always knew he WANTED me! Now I don't know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> then this morning he woke me up for *it*.

momto3, I'll read awed's post to you, hopefully it will help. I don't ever really look at him and think "I hate him" I look at him and think "WHO IS HE?"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by toomanylies:
<strong> I don't ever really look at him and think "I hate him" I look at him and think "WHO IS HE?" </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, hate is pretty harsh....Yes, I look at my H and think who is this man...certaintly not the man I married. But Ihope he will be back!!!

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Lor(Lor), 18 month Plan A, followed by serving divorce papers, followed months later by recovery, with A ended, though no contact did not happen as 4 years later they still work on the same installation, however they are not friendly. We don't LB, not sure about the 15 hours, but we do intentionally take time for each other.

I guess I don't meet all your preogatives of success, but I'm in a loving, committed marriage and consider it a success.

This somehow reminds me of SNL long ago, at 18 months of recovery saying H & I hadn't met the test of time. Now we don't meet the test of this particular definition.

Oh well, as a very old-timer it isn't likely I'll take it to heart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by momto3boys:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by toomanylies:
<strong> I don't ever really look at him and think "I hate him" I look at him and think "WHO IS HE?" </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, hate is pretty harsh....Yes, I look at my H and think who is this man...certaintly not the man I married. But Ihope he will be back!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I knew you didn't mean it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I know what you are saying though. I hate what he did. I hate his OW. I sometimes want to punch him in the face! But I could never hate him.