i didn't want to highjack other topic, so i started this one instead

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sadly, it was the physical aspect of the A that provided the biggest hurdle.

That being said, we managed to re-establish much better "parenting partners" relationship in the year the followed the A. We no longer carried so much resentment towards one another. We had fun as a family. But, that intimate connection that uniquely defines a "marriage" from a "friendship" was gone. She "loved me like a brother" and so on.

Now, we are building a post-marriage relationship. I moved out and sublet a basement suite, but I spend most of my free time with the family. She & the girls are in the house, and I continue to do handyman functions around the place. We go out on family outings. We are both active in the girls' activities. We get along well, especially since we are out of the shadow of our intimacy issues.

So, the marriage is over, but a new relationship is forming in its place.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">was the hurdle yours or hers? i might be jumping to wrong conclusion that it was you that could not get over the A and move forward as a H.

Are you divorced?

FL:

No, in many ways I could not get past that aspect of the A. Especially since our intimacy had become so pathetic in the years before the A.

Our story is in many ways so common. With the arrival of "motherhood", "wifehood" went right out the window. Her libido went south. It caused a lot of friction, and a lot of acrimonious conversations. I heard a lot of very common statements: "It's just an animal urge.", "Yeah, well things have changed. Live with it." and "Take care of yourself." Our frequency of intimacy was down to about 3 times a year. Duty for her; merely a release for me.

Along came OM. Her libido came back with him, but not with me. Again, a common story - he released the woman within, opened up a whole new world of her sexuality. She experienced a level with him that she had never had with me.

Since the A, I have wavered between revulsion and desperate desire for her. But, the bottom line is that I "don't do for her like he does", so to speak, and that's all there is to that.

Throughout our M we both made a lot of mistakes. We didn't know about the principles of MB existed. I honestly thought that I was literally the only person in the world to endure such a frigid marriage. I had no idea how common our problems were, nor there were boards such as this and others to help.

Even this dilemna is rather common, too - a lot wives routinely lose their attraction to their H. Sometimes it is a great lament, something they gave up for the sake of the family or for the other qualities their H's possess. "Loves like a brother" should be a cliche.

The bottom line is that if I don't do it for her, than I don't, plain and simple. Maybe one day I would, but maybe never. Maybe there's too much water under the bridge, or maybe it's something more primal like pheremones, I don't know.

W did "offer" herself to me, if it would change my mind about leaving. I have to admit that I was very touched by that, but I declined. Strangely, I love her too much to exploit her body in such a way. I have told my W that I hold no ill will towards her, since this is something largely beyond her control. The fact remains, for her OM was a better lover. In fact, when I think of how much of the past decade consisted of her "doing duty", I feel tremendous guilt. Of course, at the time I didn't know, or maybe I did but I let my own selfish needs overwhelm me.

Sometimes I think that I really need her to forgive me for that.

So, while our "marriage" is dead, we still have a relationship. We share the most precious things in either of our world's; our kids. We will forever be their parents and bonded together as such. I have always maintained that, and now W is seeing it, too.

Sorry I bounced all over the place. As usual, my thoughts are very convoluted on this. One day I hope to have it all sorted out in some succinct fashion, just not yet.

Uphill, thank you for sharing. it is so sad though, are you officially divorced? if not, seems to me like there should still be a chance (and in some cases even after divorce). i never can understand how SF can be a relationship killer. to me it seems like it has to be more of a side effect to the real problems.

Although for me, it is kinda true that OM woke me back up. That happened not because i no longer desired my H, but because H no longer desired me. As he started working on the marriage, because he believed the only issue was that i wanted a divorce, his desire for me returned and i was thrilled. our sex life became very fullfilling when before it was just motions.

now all that is messed up again due to H now knowing about A. i fear it is 100% just physical for him and that makes me so sad. i asked him today, after posting here. at first he said he didn't know but then he said, he still has feelings for me so it can't really be just physical for him. so that is better than nothing for right now.

mostly i just need time to pass.

again, thanks for sharing, i am sorry your story is not ending with a happy ending, i still tend to think if you have any sort of good relationship forming, maybe it can all come back for you guys??

Uphill:

I don't know your story, but:

"The fact remains, for her OM was a better lover. "

the 2uestion arises; IS he STILL a better lover? Or is the A over? If so, for how long?

I think that the Harleys would even suggest that it could be possible 2 make that physical intimacy YOURS, assuming you still wanted 2 try. Your xW would have 2 be willing 2 be more honest with you about how she truly feels, what he really did that "brought out the woman within". It would be painful 2 hear, and maybe it's 2 late, but...

I have the opposite problem, one that is perhaps more sinister. My W's A was primarily an EA, and since she's said that she doesn't ever want the PA again, she doesn't even agree with the definition of an EA, so doesn't understand that being emotionally intimate, having a "private relationship" with someone that I don't know (and would never wnat 2), remains a seemingly-impenetrable wall between us.

I hope we can break it down someday. I hope you can 2.

-ol' 2long

FL:

No, we are not divorced. Separated is the term, although we have not yet put the paperwork through for anything formal.

Sad ending? Well, look at it this way: we have an opportunity to build a new relationship, based on what we have rather than what we don't. Let's face it, we had an intimate relationship for perhaps 4 of the 14 or so years together. The overwhelming majority of our R has been in an intimacy vacuum.

Also, I now see that the loss of libido for women following childbirth is much, much more prevalent than I ever thought. Perhaps it is natural for women to feel that; it's prevalence tells me that it is not "abnormal" or "wrong". It simply is. Many women find the loss to be small or temporary, some find it greater or more lasting. It's a matter of degree.

Had I accepted W's offer, I think that would have led ultimately to breakdown of our R. Duty sex is the worst kind. It would have been unfulfilling for me and a source of resentment for her. This way, it is off the table and not blocking the other aspects.

well uphill, the way i see it, your W can enjoy sex, that was a proven fact. if she can enjoy it with OM, she can enjoy it with you. it's just a matter of you too talking it out and figuring each other out, know what i mean.

i'm not saying your current situation is a bad thing, it might be the way it needs to be for the moment, but i just have this thought that it can grow into more and if i were you, i would look for ways to move it in that direction.

do you guys ever do anything just with each other, like a date??

i don't mean to be pushy, it just seems to me like there must still be something there and if that is the case, then there is still hope.

FL:

Thanks for your interest. I reread my post and realized that I have omitted a very, very big point: Right now, I do not want to have an intimate relationship with W.

I am sorry if I made it sound like it was all the W's issue. This is at least 1/2 mine. It is not strictly her desire. For me, the spark died, too. The intense and often conflicting emotions I experienced after D-day gradually died out, and now what I feel is a realization of the way things are, and an acceptance of it. For me, that sort of attraction is very mutual, and if it isn't both ways then it doesn't exist.

No, we haven't gone on dates or anything. Right now, what would be the point? After all these years?

That's where I want to put my energies: occasionally I still find myself holding resentment towards W for not having made this clear years ago and saved us both a pile of heartache. And time. I look back and realize it's been a decade since I had anything even remotely close to a satisfying sex life. I almost forget what it was like! I'm 40 now and I definitely feel that I'm on the down slope of my own abilities. The next 10 years will see an even bigger decline. I very much feel like that ship has sailed without me.

If I were like a toy or figurine or something, I would be able to go on the shelf and sit there for any length of time, come off and be as good as the day I first went up there. But, in life, time goes by and we age. This time has passed me by. The last 10 years can never be reclaimed and the next 10 will not be as good. So, yeah, I sometimes get resentful about that.

But, I do not like to dwell on that. I am as much responsible for that wasted time as she, very likely more so. I can't foist this upon her. What's done is done and at least in theory I can look forward to some sort of capacity for intimacy in the future. Things could be much, much worse. They are not and for that I am grateful.

I think the thing I really want to do is completely let go of that resentment for time lost. Once I can do that, I can say I will truly be over all this, and be a stronger person.

Finally, I just want to say that you and your H must do what you each find is necessary. I sincerely hope that your paths are compatible and that you do get back on track. But, sometimes it's important to face reality.

uphill, please don't take this the wrong way...

you are really not helping my spirits tonight!!

it is sad you and your W could not work things out. and it scares me to think H and I might not either, after all we have been through, that would really s$ck.

even with that said, i thank you for sharing your story.