I'm wondering how to get through to my H. How do I show him that the things I'm asking for are IMPORTANT? #1 HONESTY! #2 figuring out what caused him to get to the point of leaving me for someone else.

After the previous affair we drifted apart emotionally, that was ENTIRELY due to his unwillingness to tell me the truth. After living day to day barely even talking to each other he did it again only this time he left.

He has said numerous times that he wants to make it up to me. He say's he wants to show me that he really does love me. He tells me he loves me all the time, we never end a conversation without saying it. But he doesn't understand that just being here doesn't make up for all the pain he has caused me. If he wants to make it up to me, I should have some say in how that can be done!

We have a monkey on our backs! The A is only mentioned in the MC office and even then he gives VERY little information. I have asked him things I already knew the answer to (through my own investigation) and he has point blank lied to me every time. There are still some very important things he is trying to keep from me.

We can't develop the emotional intimacy I want us to have while his life is such a secret from me and I can't possibly trust "I'll never do it again" when so much of what he says are lies.

So how did you convince your WH/WW that honesty is the most important thing to you?

tml, but doesn't he know this is important to you? I would suggest that it is just not important to HIM and that is the problem. I don't see how you could make it important to him.

So waht do I do, just give up trying? I know that we will drift back into the same way things were before if I give up.

Well, I don't know if you should give up, but I am only pointing out that he already knows that you want honesty so you don't have to convince him of that.

I think, rather, that your issue is that he doesn't want to meet that need, isn't it?

Do you believe you can change him? That is the question I would be asking myself. I don't think I can change my H, but I can accept him how he is. I can't make him adopt my standards or change to suit me so I have to accept him how he is.

TML

It's good you are in MC but would he consider IC? Maybe he has issues that are preventing him from being totally honest. Would he go to IC? If he says he really wants the M to work you need to stress what you need for this to happen.

Good luck, take care.