I've been mostly a lurker for the last 9 months - I've found this place a great help in dealing with what my life has become. Now I need your experienced help in where to go from here.

While I thought my husband and I were both working hard on repairing our marriage after I discovered his A - I recently found out I was the only one truly working on it.

His A was with a fellow co-worker, someone he supervised. She was only able to continue working for him for a couple of months after I discovered the A and she transferred out of town (although only 2 hours away.) Before she left they had "goodbye sex" and then over the next 6 months she came to town twice and they met at a hotel. Then a couple of weeks ago this all came out and he said he was leaving me for her - because he loved us both and he didn't think I really loved him - I was only staying for our 2 boys. When I cracked and broke down and begged him not to stay - declaring how much I really did love him - he said he didn't know which one of us he wanted. I told him BULL**** - after all this time he had to know and he had to choose - he picked up the phone and told her it was over.

Ok- that really hurt, but I'm thinking "he really sees it now!" WRONG! They continued to talk to each other on an almost daily basis, after all, they could still be "friends!" Again BULL! The next week he was supposed to go to a meeting where she would be as well - I of course said no way! But because it was such a big deal - i gave in. Well guess what - on his way up to the meeting he stopped by her apartment and again had a little bit of "booty-call." I didn't know about this last part until yesterday, but I do know that later that week he came home all down and depressed. When I asked him what was the matter - she had given him an ultimatum - either he leave me or it's over!! Guess what- calmly I discussed the options with him and pointed out how he was looking at what he would have with her unrealistically. Again - he called her the next day and told her he wasn't leaving me, but at least this time he told her there could be no contact! (and I truly thought he meant it!)

The next week she calls him - and does he hang up - NO! She had fainted at work and had been in the hospital over the weekend and was scared - so call your mom (that's my thought.) Well - again they began talking (I of course am very firm about the fact that there should be no contact.)

He was out of town Monday night this week and when I got home on Tues - I checked his cell phone. He had called her and I confronted him about it. He said he had talked to her for over 2 hours Mon night and had even asked her to drive the 3 hours to where he was so they could be together. (She finally had some brains and said no.) And then on his way home - they had talked the entire time. They were planning what their lives would be like together. (UGH!!) He tells me all this and I'm just stunned - neither one of them gets the irony that to be together and to have children - he will have to leave the ones he already has behinD! He tells me - I'll always be a part of their life - as a child of divorce, I know how untrue that is. And if he choses to leave me - he will lose his job in this city - his company does not have another account here and since I am employed by his client (and very well liked by my employer and pretty high up) once my company finds out what has happened - they will ask that he be removed. And his company has a morals clause - both of them could actually lose their jobs.

So anyway - I called her up on the phone last night and asked her why she was willing to be the third party. She and I both discussed how we were both unwilling to continue on like this and we told him he had to make a final choice. He said "I have a hundred times - but I can't stay away from her." So he wanted us to work it out for him - REALLY! She told me she was through- he wouldn't even talk to her. I said I believe in my marriage and I'm not giving up.

He promised (again) that he would not call her and he did not want her to contact him, but he said I don't know if I can hang up if it is her - I want to talk to her so badly. Well she called me this morning on my way to work and said she was pissed at what he had done to us and wanted to give him an earfull - wanted to know if I knew where he was. I said he was on his way to work. Well he didn't hang up on her - she told him I'd given her permission - and all she told him was how he needed to give them a chance - he was just scared of losing all the material things and he really loved her - he just needed to let me go.

I told him- she is going to call you back (he said she's been trying, but he's been too busy) and I again told him he was going to have to hang up on her. It will always be something - you have got to be strong and hang up. (Very supportively too!)

So anyway - now that you've read my long story- I need to hear from you - what do I do now???

I found out this little part yesterday

I guess I should tell you we've been married for 13 years and have two boys 6 and 8. The OW is 10 years younger (and not nearly as attractive, I might add.)

at least (i'm sure it's hard to think that way) your H is having a hard time deciding, so many of us BS's have WS that don't won't to work on the M. of course, there are pros and cons to that way of thinking but i'm relatively still new at this. i don't feel like i have much to offer other than that i see a lot of potential for you and your H and if you haven't counseled w/SH to do so immediately! prayers to you.

Twoboys Welcome to MB. Have you read the books suggested by this sight? Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, and Fall in love stay in love. If not you and your H need to read these. Your H needs to write a No Contact letter to the OW and has to show it to you and get your approval before he sends it. If your H is still home you need to do Plan A you can read up on it here at this site. More people will come along with more advice, and if no one answers just keep posting someone will. Lots of luck to you and sorry you have to go through this.

TB,
Sorry for all of your pain and Anguish..I totally understand how you are feeling. I really do. My FWS is still in contact with the OM. I put my foot down the other day and told her enough I want out ans I do not deserve to live this way and I won't! There is only so much a person can take. I too confronted the OM..told him to stay away from my family. You see, I not only am aware that this guy my wife is still talking is saying all the right things to her but really has no intention on going away. They do not care about anyone but themselves. FOg and Fantasy as they say. I do not know if your like me but eventually you will have enough despite how much you l0ve your spouse, It took me years to reach the I don't care anymore stage. I still love my wife very very much, but eventually came to realize that I deserve to be treated with honesty and respect, because if I cannot feel I deserve it from my spouse, how can I respect myself. I suggest reading as much from this site as you can absorb. Taking the many experiences and situations and formulating yourself a good plan. Does your spouse agree to counseling? One of the most vital things I learned here was that I became co-dependant on my wife for affection and reassurance constantly. Eventually I lost who I was in the process, the man she fell in love with, the funny witty, charming man that I was before. Tough as it was I started to find my old self again and in the process became more attractive all around to her. It is not a competition. I am still very much a emotionally wounded individual,and consider myself a work in progress. Know that you are far from alone in your feelings now. I will keep reading on your situation.
Humble One

I've feel like I've been Plan Aing my butt off since D-Day 1 7/27/03 (at 11:07am) - and I've really kicked into action in the last few weeks. I also picked up Dr H's book - Surviving an Affair today.

The OW just called me and said she was done (she's said that before) - she says he's just scared of losing everything and that's the only reason he's staying. But I know she'll call him again - he'll just need to be strong and not talk to her. We're going away for the weekend - hopefully that will help!!

Sounds like you need Plan B. I saw something on here that states if the WS is trying to decide between BS and OW, it's time for Plan B. We had the same situation, but no one could take it anymore. It wasn't until FWS was out looking for apartments (Plan B) that he finally ended the A.

That's kind of what I was wondering - is this the last chance I give him? One more contact and am I on to Plan B? How do you know when to plan b?

I guess the book will help me on this one!

I just have the same answer, contact MB for counseling ASAP! good luck and prayers to you.

We tried MC when I first found out - did two sessions and he was not into it! So after another d-day in March, I made us an appointment with a new one (thinking that would help) - he refused to go - said the only ones who can make our marriage work is us. He doesn't believe counselors are really any help.

He just stopped by my office - totally torn. Really wants to be with both of us. I told him the OW had said he only wants to stay so he doesn't lose everything. He said "well that's kind of true." I said I thought you were staying because you loved me - he said well I do, but I love her too.

Man this is so hard!!

He thinks I'm threatening his job (which means the world to him) if he leaves me. I told him, I'm not threatening it - you just need to be realistic. I've protected you and your secret - if you leave me for he, there is no reason to protect you anylonger.

twoboys...

time for you to make some decisions...
time for you to set some boundaries for youself that strengthen you and clearly define what is tolerable in your life regardless of their insane waffling, game playing, and stupid comments...

First of all his words of love to you or her are useless...he is so far removed from the words I love you to you or her right now...that I would put no weight on them....

you need to learn to babble back to his babble...

answer his insanity with things like...

oh I see....
hmmmmmmm
interesting
ahhh haaaa....

say things back to him as confusing and as insane as he does to you.....that are not disrepectful or judgemental...search for Orchids post of babbling back to fog speech..if I have time i will drag it up for you....


Your husbands continued contact is grossly disrepectful...you need to look and see how strong your plan A is...and if you are going to plan A...then you want to do it the best you can...

if I were I would have NO MORE conversations with the OW>....I would totally remove myself from their sick little game...and set the boundary that I will not be part of their triangle...
no more calls to/from her...she should be NOTHING to you.....
they will thrive off of your actions and reactions...remove yourself from their sick focus...so they have to focus on eacthother...

Also you need to seriously consider exposing the affair to family members and co-workers...my goodness if they are soooo in love... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> surely we should not hide such good news...

exposure as part of plan A...is a good thing....
no matter how much the WS doesn't like it....

You need to get yourself back in to marriage counselling...you can not get through this with out it...seriously consider couselling here with the Harleys via phone....

I would plan life as if he is there or not..but show him great glimpses of family life that he is putting at risk...

in other words make the world for your children as fun and real as you can.....show him in actions the reality of missing your children when they wake up sleepy and warm in morning not by lecturing him...but by seeing it...
with warm stories and reminders that are true but do not come out as lectures....

play music and dance in the kitchen with them..and invite him to join in....

NO OW can give him those things....

ark

Do not do Plan B yet..It is very risky and as MelodyLane would say, I dont think you are anywhere near ready for Plan B. Your WH is confused right now. he is so far in Fogland he cant even see straight.

I also agree with Ark, stop contact with OW. You have caller ID right? Dont pick up the phone. You need to go right into Plan A...Plan A your butt off...That means avoiding angry outbursts, Disprespect and demands at ALL costs. here is one excerpt from SAA...

The WS cant seem to make up his or her mind...one moment committing to the marriage and the next moment committing to the lover

This is exactly what your WH is doing...he is confused. You need to make yourself look as good as possible to your WH...that is not saying physically...I mean emotionally, show him you can and WILL survive with or without him. Do not lecture him...I am still working on this one myself...Show him all your made of....Do not bash him, or bring up OW..she is nothing to you (ok, this one took me awhile to realize)...Your WH is living in Fantasyland!

Once your WH decides to stay in the M, he needs to write a NC letter. And adhere to it.

My H and I are councelling with Steve Harley and I must say, we would not be where we are today without his help. Yes, he is expensive...but so is divorce and so is the A.

If you have a chance, try to find some of my old threads...there is a load of useful information in there from Ark, Melody, Orchid, and many others. And start reading SAA tonight!

Also, and this is what brought my H home. Tell you H that if in fact he wants to go ahead and be with OW that eventually you WILL move on, you WILL find other love and that love will be sleeping in YOUR bed, putting YOUR kids to bed at night and waking up with them. Filling YOUR kids' dreams, going on Family vacations with YOUR kids, making love to YOUR wife...this new man will be walking in the shoes that YOU are supposed to filling...But if that is the way he wants it, so be it...Tell him to think about that.

Thanks mom. I've been following your posts and your husband's. I even recommended my husband read your husband's "fog" reports. Isn't it wonderful to be able to go to a place where everyone is trying to help you stay married, rather than saying "get out! - you deserve better!"

I know I deserve better and I had better once upon a time - I want it back, not with someone new (although if that is eventually what happens . . .) - I want it with my husband!!

Yesterday afternoon my husband came by my office to get onto me for not letting him have both of us (his idea of a good laugh!) I asked him if it was true what she said - he was only staying because he feared I would take everything (including his job). He said -well that is true isn't it? To which I replied "so, you're not staying because you love me?" "Well, I love you too" he said.

After he left and I had a good cry on the way home (so sick of the tears) I decided I needed to really swing into plan A - heavy duty, super plan A - and I did. I also read the book and it renewed my resolve. I know we can make it - if he can just get through the withdrawal process.

We are going away for the weekend -things are always better when we are together.

Thanks for being there for me!

twoboys! That is wonderful you are going away. I really see high hopes for you and your WH. He is so confused right now. he is DEEP in FOGLAND...oh so familiar! One poster asked me one time...ask your WH if he has recieved his WS diploma yet?

I just had to laugh at his comment of "why cant I have both of you"...so typical. You can always do what I did and really shove reality in his face! go to my Hello!!! thread and read my letter to my then WH...That certtaintly opened up his eyes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I was just reading your post from last night and then read the letter link - excellent letter! It reminded me of a conversation my H and I had a few weeks ago. I think he really believed he could just replace me in his life with her. I very calmly described for him what getting rid of me would really mean. Then the next day his mom called and basically told him if he got rid of me for the OW, he was losing his parents as well.

While I've tried to shield the boys from knowing anything is wrong - they must sense it because they have been very clingy to their dad lately. When he had to go out of town last week - it was tears and I'll miss you dad - wish you didn't have to go. They never used to care - it was like PARTY TIME -DAD is gone!!! I think realizing he would be losing them too has helped bring him a little closer to reality.

By the way - I know exactly what you mean when you talk (in your thread) about this taking over your life. Right now nothing matters except my marriage and my family!! (so can you come clean my house too?)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Right now nothing matters except my marriage and my family!! (so can you come clean my house too?)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL...You know what is so funny...when my WH was living out of the house for that month, I never kept the house cleaner as I did then. I guess because all I did was sit and wait for him. I never did anything else. Never made a mess. I made the bed everyday, the kitchen was spotless (no cooking so no cleaning) I kept up with the laundry, and kept the house [censored] and span...now that he is back home, but house is a MESS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I haven't made the bed in weeks. Boy, life was certaintly a lot esier without him here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I told my boys about my H...maybe not the right thing to do, but they needed to know why he wasn't home. They knew he had a "girlfriend" and DS5 would always say to him "daddy, just stop seeing your girlfriend, you are supposed to LOVE mommy, you married mommy"...He also once said "why cant you love both of them" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Typical male mind at work there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I really do see hope for you. Hang in there and do the BEST plan A you can. Once you start to get the hang of it, you will be a pro. I was. Just recently I started LBing but for the most part I just sit there and do what Ark suggested...

uh huh...sure honey
hmmm?
Ok, whatever you say...

it works. It confuses the sh*t out of them.

What a weekend - we went away and I got dumped. My H decided he was too consumed with thoughts about the OW he just needed to get out. So I was preparing myself for plan B yesterday (Happy Easter).

I left the kids with my mom - went out with a single friend and got drunk (felt good - first time in a long time.) I knew he was with the OW "trying to make sure he was doing the right thing" and I was finally ok with it. I faced that I would be ok without him and life would go on and the thought of him with the OW wouldn't kill me.

Then this mornin his mom calls me because she had just talked to him and he'd told her we were done. I just started crying because even though I'd been all tough and ready to move on without him - a part of me still hoped he'd realize how wrong he was. Well she and I cried together and when I hung up the phone I was pissed. I called him and said how dare you not even have the courtesy to let me know before I have to hear about it from your mom! I was going off - and he's going wait, wait, let me talk - I want to talk to you. Then he proceeds to tell me he wants to do whatever it takes to work on our marriage - counseling, church, whatever needs to be done. I was speechless - how in the matter of 30 minutes did he manage to do a complete 180 turn? Afterall he had spent the previous night laying in the arms of his OW and planning their future - the wedding - all of it! Now he wants to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work?!!

He says he loves me and he owes it to me and the kids to do everything he can to make it work.

AAGGHH!! This man is driving me crazy.

Then he calls me and tells me that he wants to go with me to pick the boys up from my mom and he wants my sister there to so he can let them know he is truly sorry and does intend to make things right.

I have been through this so many times in the last few weeks - i'm just numb - I don't trust it. We had never gotten as far as actually outlining our terms of the seperation/divorce, but so many times he was confronted with making a choice and he chose me only to go back to the OW again.

Any advice out there?

Well, I wouldn't put much stock in it unless he is willing to end things with the OW and send her a no contact letter NOW. Otherwise he is just yanking your chain again.

I would lay down some boundaries here and in addition to the no contact letter, ask him what he is going to do to rebuild your destroyed trust and repair the damage he did. Such as giving you all passwords, etc to his cell phone, voicemail, email, etc.

the fact that your MIL is there to support you and is being the way she is just makes my heart happy for you. Please do counseling even if it's just you it will be so helpful. read and post here until your blue in the face. prayers to you and yours.