Hi Dreamcatcher,

i have seen your posts before. i remember thinking i was the ONLY one who thought not telling was a good idea, but then you posted once that you are taking the route of not telling in a thread to SG. i wanted so bad back then to talk with you more then but you didn't post again.


FL...I have a question for you if you don't mind?....I was wondering now that you've told your H about the A, etc...are you glad you told him or do you wish you would have just put it behind you and moved on with your marriage?....Also, do you think H would have rather not known now that it's out?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was wondering now that you've told your H about the A, etc...are you glad you told him or do you wish you would have just put it behind you and moved on with your marriage?....Also, do you think H would have rather not known now that it's out?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes i am glad. i know that is a surprising answer but i am. now i can claim to be his wife again. the point is, i could not put it behind me because until i did i could not make that claim, that i was truely his wife. our marriage was not on a truely authentic level.

as for H, i am 100% sure he prefers knowing than not knowing. even though all this pain is now occuring, we are finally working on the same thing, we both know exactly what is going on in each other's heads. and that is key to a good relationship.

i will be happy to talk about this more. i would like to ask you a question first... what makes you come back to this site? what are you looking for dreamcatcher?

Thanks for responding to my ? FL...I asked because (as you said) I have chosen to take the 'don't ask, don't tell' route...I was reading your thread about your H asking you to lose weight to prove you love him (I did read that right didn't I?)and how the sex life has been going..I might have missed something, but it sounds like he isn't ready to pleasure you, but will 'allow' you to pleasure him? and I got to wondering how you felt about telling your H about the A now. I'm happy to hear that you are so at peace with the choice.

Anyway, I'll admit I still struggle with what I did to my marriage and my H and family and wonder how things would play out if I were to come out and tell him about it...I just don't see the point when I am over and done with my A and things are 'back to good' between my H and I, to bring up something that is over and done and won't happen again....not on my end anyway.

As for why I come back here...I guess it's part to remind me of the devastation affairs cause, how incredibly painful it is for the BS, and to get insight into what I can do to prevent it from happening again in my marriage.

Thanks again for answering my questions..take care

<small>[ April 07, 2004, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: dreamcatcher ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was reading your thread about your H asking you to lose weight to prove you love him (I did read that right didn't I?) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">his words were, "i want you to do something for me" and then he elaborated a bit more when i asked him to explain to me what my losing weight would mean to him (and i don't know the exact quote on these but it is very close) 1 - it is healthier, 2 - it would be meaningful that i am putting effort into something he wants. 3 - he likes idea of being married to someone who can accomplish a goal once set.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> and how the sex life has been going..I might have missed something, but it sounds like he isn't ready to pleasure you, but will 'allow' you to pleasure him? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it is true, he is not comfortable having sex now, nor is he wanting to use other methods to accomplish physical SF for me but he did ask me to please him, (he has only really asked once, since then, i have offered each night) at first just with hands, now with mouth too. how i feel about this has contained the following thoughts at various times. 1) i am thrilled to be able to help him relax/sleep 2) i am thrilled he felt comfortable asking me 3) i felt dirty/undesired in his eyes 4) i feel incredible close to him during the act 5) i get physically frustrated 6) i feel sad that he does not desire me.

so this morning, when we were done, 5 and 6 were going full force. but what i need to focus on is 1, 2 and 4: i feel incredibly close to him during the act, I am thrilled i can help him relax/sleep good and i am thrilled that he feels comfortable having me do that. i like those results and i want to keep it going. i'm sure 5 and 6 will creep in again, i just have to focus on the right stuff. i don't want him to do anything to me until he is ready and his heart is totally into it anyway.

he has only known about A for 2 weeks now, it will take time. but i do believe we are on our way to an extremely good relationship. I have mega fears that he will never be able to deal with this, but i just can't focus on that fear, i have to trust God and H that this will all work out in the end. And in the end, I believe we will be closer than we possible could be with this lie between us.

things were much better for us once I ended A and had just a small amount of time of NC. but like i said before, internally i didn't feel like i could rightfully claim to be his wife. maybe i could of eventually gotten past that, but i just didn't want to. i didn't want to leave him at risk of finding out on his own, i didn't want to leave me feeling like an outsider in a much better marriage.

the day i confessed, at church, the reading was about the prodigal son, very appropriate msg for me to hear that day. i would rather be with him, even if at a lower state (so to speak) than to remain apart from him. of course in the bible, the father immediately takes the son back in as his son. i do hope someday H can fully take me back in as his W. that is what i pray for.

others will say a WS has no choice to not tell, but in reality you certainly do have a choice. i choose to tell and i am still glad i did.

Dreamcatcher, one thing I noticed in your post was that you said the chance of this happening again on your part is nil. If you do decide to tell, then the chance of this happening again on your part is still nil and even more so because you'll be up close with the devastation. BUT if you tell the chance of him having an A is greatly reduced in my opinion because he'll also be up close with the devastation. And knowing that pain, I really believe I am much less likely to engage in an A, then I was before. Just one more thing to add to the equation. I can also add; I like knowing.

WOE